The Writer's Room

[Matteo ((Taed))]

This is crazy fun. Other people have to get in on this and I'll start putting together a master list.



Devotees of Tyranodar, the Chaos Lord, Prince of the Outer Midnight, have come out in favour of Proposition 8296, which would legalize human-robot marriage. Their spokesperson claims that in the eyes of their dark God, all thinking beings have the right to suffer and die equally.


What was thought to be an avant-garde art exhibit in Omicron Section has now been identified as the advanced stages of recombinant fungal infestation. Noted critic Timothy Xanadu de la Pierre continued to maintain that the gene-spliced mushroom tumour is a “sublime masterpiece” until chronic spore inhalation compromised his reparatory system.


A fire on B Deck has claimed three lives. Automatic suppression systems contained the blaze before it could spread, but several onlookers suffered heart attacks before they remembered what fire looks like.


The Herschel Observation Probe has returned from its study of the comet 2963 F6. No one knows how long it was gone or what it found, but I think everyone can agree it's nice to know there’s still something out there.


Researchers at the Max Born Institute for Advanced Physics have discovered a parallel universe identical to our own except that everything there is way shittier. Representatives from the other universe have declined to comment.


Today’s broadcast is brought to you by Derringer’s Cybernetics Polish and Conditioner. Only Derringer’s brand guarantees proper lubrication of your secondary rostral interface shunt with only one daily application, and promises a scalp free from dandruff and unsightly tissue necrosis.


Ship medical notifications have issued a recall on artificial hearts manufactured by the Q.785.Epsilon nanotech fabrication strain. So far no casualties have been reported from the defective hearts’ tendency to undergo space conniptions and spontaneous aortal detonation. Emergency personnel did respond to an L-Deck-man’s complaint that he was suffering from a broken heart, but his now-ex-wife assured them that he’s actually just a huge crybaby.


A new stellar nucleosynthesis pathway has been discovered that could potentially transmute palladium-107 into fermented Chardonnay grapes. Survey telescopes have been appropriately retasked and a search is now ongoing for the so-called champagne supernova in the sky.

[Injin]

Fine, you've tempted me to attempt to write.

Today's attempt at recreating the ancient ritual known as Ping-Pong again ended in failure as Timothy Burton-Chang, the local head of the Ping-Pong Recreation Council, was smacked in the face by his opponent, Ping-Pongitron, after a calibration malfunction. He is survived by his wife and three kids.

A warning to all those currently waiting for transit outside of the Arcadium District, the Slurpee Machine from the Planet Slurpee has again regained sentience as a customer asked for a Diet Coke Slurpee. Please do not do that. Planet Slurpee, as a result, is off limits until Public Robotics talks it down from its homicidal rage.

Today's Downtime Music Request is the smash hit of the 1900's, Video Killed the Radio Star. Despite repeated listens to the song, Authorities are still unable to find this "Video" and he remains at large.

The Church of Ladder Day Paints has again announced that they expect to finish the mural outside of Cook Hall by the end of the day. Past attempts have been thwarted by the followers of the Great Spaghetti Monsieur and his Noodly Mustache and we expect the ensuing food fight to take three days to clean up.

The Giant Eagle Who Lives in the Rafters of the General Phonics Center has again carried off another security guard. Thankfully this time they were brought back in one piece, although this station still wonders why the Giant Eagle enjoys dressing up their dinner guests.

[Sensar]

"Thanks for joining us on the Station. Remember, if it's not the Station, it's not legally news."

[James]

In a more personal note, today was a tough day for me. While looking out at the wide expanse of space, I saw something. A yellow ball of magnificent light, so close to us, so near. Something besides the inky blackness that encompasses all. It turned out to be a reflection of a lamp that Julia had turned on. Julia has resigned her post with immediate effect.

The Mayor of the Grass Lands was pleased to announce that due to increased exposure, this year's harvest is better than ever. Economists are already expecting that the increase supply in grass clippings will see price plummet. Folks, Space Lent is next week. Why don't you spread the gift of the natural and amazing aroma of freshly cut grass?

A new by-law prohibiting astral projection comes into effect from tomorrow. We remind our listeners that astral projection is bad for you. How about you go for a walk instead? You might meet someone new and you'll stay in shape.

A baby was born yesterday and given the name, Barry. He is the first Barry in five hundred years. Campaigners are once against pushing for the establishing of a Suitable Name Registry, led by Richard Head, Tiny Johnson, and Frazzle Fuckpuppet the Third. Regardless of what those people say, I hope to meet you one day, Barry and your cruel, cruel parents.

And for a medium length story:

[The Ship's Lord Commander has decided that the Gregorian Calendar is out of date. From next week, we'll be moving to a decimal system of: ten days in a week, ten weeks in a month, and ten months in a year. In homage to the original days of the week being named after mythical gods and celestial figures, the three new days will be named accordingly. Obamaramaday, after the American Deity, Barack Obama. X-247day, named in honour of that absolutely delightful planet we passed back a few hundred years ago. If only you were inhabitable and not full of murderous gasses, X-247. And finally, Nolday, named after small-time English actor, Noel Clarke.

I know change is bad, listeners, but I approve of this new system. The years we are away from New Earth have just plummeted. We are so much closer to our home than we were yesterday. It will only take us hundreds of years, instead of thousands.

In unrelated news, the life expectancy rate is expected to plunge to the low 50s.]

[Radin]

Complaints from Sector 3 L-2 have been flooding the local maintenance about the new polishing solution used to clean the floors. For the past week the new solution dubbed, x-90-3, has stuck to the floors surface, rendering it impossible to walk upon. One resident of the sector called it, "The slipperiest space shit I've ever had to walk on."

The sectors maintenance responded by turning off the artificial gravity, allowing the residents to float over the polish until a way to remove it is discovered.

*Later in the broadcast*

More complaints from Sector 3 L-2. With the gravity shut off, multiple sewage and waste problems have arisen as the flow of the pipes have been disrupted. Many are calling the floating piles in the Sectors walkways a "Literal shit storm."

[Radin]

We would like to end this broadcast on a important historical note; a note that allows us to be where we are today aboard this great station as we travel through space. Today, a great many years ago, a milestone was reached for space travel as the first man walked upon the moon. We couldn't have accomplished all these advances into the final frontier without that event. Good sleep-cycle station dwellers...

...and thank you, Michael Jackson.

[James]

May 1, 2014 23:41:46 GMT -5 Injin said:

Today's Downtime Music Request is the smash hit of the 1900's, Video Killed the Radio Star. Despite repeated listens to the song, Authorities are still unable to find this "Video" and he remains at large.

I had a good chuckle at this. I would just tidy it up a bit to:

Today, a recorded confession was found that detailed Video's killing of the Radio Star. Despite repeated listens to the confession, authorities are still unable to ascertain who this Video was and why the murder took place. We here at the Station would like to offer our condolences to the family of the Radio Star. He will be missed.

[James]

May 2, 2014 0:35:30 GMT -5 Sensar said:

"Thanks for joining us on the Station. Remember, if it's not the Station, it's not legally news."

In administrative news, the monthly ratings are out! We're up 2%! [Show's Name]'s audience share is at 54% of all organic and artificial hearing devices. The non-listeners will face assimilation or death ... No, I'm kidding. It's not a crime to listen to something else. Yet. Sadly, the Lunch-Time Bulletin is still ahead of us in audience share at 59% and Susan Kony is a total a-hole about it. We know you're top, Susan. I think I speak for the entire Union of Radio Hosts, Journalists and Time Merchants when I say, give it a break already.

[James]

Well, I think we've got the news bulletin part covered. Well, not covered, keep posting your segments, but I think we know what we want. The Sports News segment can work in an identical way so start writing those too!

Which means we have the historical segment, commercials, mad science and in-depth news story to look at.

Post-News Slot
For the segment right after the news, what I think we should do is make the historical segment a one-off for now. We can bring it back later, but I think we can look to incorporate some of Zovo's idea in the post-news slot in different episodes (I really like the flirting reporters idea) and any other ideas people might have. So one show, we might do the news and then have the flirting reporters file their reports. Another show, we might do the news and then go to the weather and then the traffic.

Also, doing the historical segment once for now also fits more in the context of a celebration of the one thousand years mark. So that means you guys can throw your ideas for what part of history should be talked and misunderstood about without fearing we'll have nothing left for next time.

And then that means we can always have fun with something new for the next show and start building up recurring characters.

Commercials
I think commercials should either be relatively lengthy or really short and lots of them. However, if we're going to have other actors voice them, we should consider either having a "Rob Brydon", a person who does the voiceovers for a lot of short commercials (with a few exceptions) or just a few long ones with a different actor as the voice for each new service. We may be making too much trouble for ourselves if we have seven different commercials and we need seven different actors.

Either way, they serve as our music, so they need to be good, funny and serve as a break from the show.

Mad Science
We need some ideas about that. I suspect Taed has a library full of them. I'm going to write up my idea at some point this weekend hopefully.

The In-Depth Segment
This is something we can bring back in our flirting reporters occasionally. Firstly, though, I think we should plan these ahead. Pitch ideas for long-running plotlines for the ship. Once we have the general plotline, we can then map them out and knows what need to be covered. For instance:

Mutiny/Civil War Plot:
- Starts out with reporting of the ship-wide crew elections;
- Next time we hear of it, it's election night and we're going over the results;
- Next - so and so is contesting the results and has been imprisoned;
- Next - riots have broken out about so and so's imprisonment;
- Next - prison-break attempt, so and so is free and forming a militia;
- Next - armed attacks - conflict begins.

Once you have that mapped out, you can then go back in and add the humour. The elections issues for the first episode; how election night works for the second and so on. I think these narratives should be really slow burning so they're not mentioned for episodes at a time while we talk about other in-depth news.

But I'm happy to be overruled on that if people don't care for that approach.

[ASGetty ((Zovo))]

For the commercial segment, I'm thinking the idea of an infomercial which is totally intended for television being broadcast on the radio, where only one of the people involved understands that the marketing direction I all wrong. Like all the examples of how the product works would only work visually but they're still trying to convince people to buy over the radio. Imagine an add for high-definition televisions trying to convince you on the radio how much sharper the image is with one person going, "They... they can't see what you're talking about, Bob."

Also, if you're going to do ship wide elections... you -have- to do candidate interviews before voting day.

[James]

May 2, 2014 3:05:35 GMT -5 ASGetty ((Zovo)) said:

For the commercial segment, I'm thinking the idea of an infomercial which is totally intended for television being broadcast on the radio, where only one of the people involved understands that the marketing direction I all wrong. Like all the examples of how the product works would only work visually but they're still trying to convince people to buy over the radio. Imagine an add for high-definition televisions trying to convince you on the radio how much sharper the image is with one person going, "They... they can't see what you're talking about, Bob."

Make it so.

So many good ideas, I'm getting optimistic and nervous for this project all at once.

[Kaez]

Commercial ideas:

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Remember when our air was produced through normal, organic electrolysis? Remember the days before new carbon? Remember those crisp evenings when the starlight was all-natural LED's and the clothes we wore were still made of conventional matter? Remember when our brains didn't log cookies automatically? Pepperidge Farm remembers. Sample a free trial of our Subdermal Antivirus today, get rid of those cookies and pop-ups, and live the simpler life again.


HEY KIDS! TIRED OF THAT OLD, RUNNY, UNSTABLE NON-NEWTONIAN-URANI-PUTTY? NO LONGER GETTING THAT WARM, SLIGHTLY TINGLY FEELING IN YOUR FINGERS? CAN'T SEE THROUGH WALLS LIKE YOU USED TO? FROM COMPANY, INC. COMES PLUUUUUUTONNIIIII-PUTTY! STICK IT! SQUISH IT! MOLD IT! SEE IN THE DARK! PLUUUUUUUUUTONIIIII-PUTTY! COMPANY, INC! YEAH!


John Williams used taxpayer money to buy not one, but two private virtual reality tanks. John Williams cost robots 9,000 jobs this year. John Williams is secretly being controlled from the inside by an evil machine. John Williams is artificial. Everything is artificial. You are living in a computer program. Reality as you know it is false. Wake up to the truth. This advertisement paid for by Transcendent Void for President.


The Accordion Blew Restaurant: Where dining meets erotically sitting at tables. Always striving to push the envelope, at the Accordian Blew we've now installed chairs next to each and every table. We know you'll be pleasantly surprised and even aroused when you push the boundaries and try sitting down next to a table and eating your food off of it. Rethink the conventional restaurant experience. Evening reservations started at $45 include appetizer, drink, entree, desert, and the unshakable feeling of animalistic lust and vitality. The Accordion Blew: not just tables, but food on tables. Sexy.


This is a message from the Company, Incorporated Transportation and Dairy Products Sector: Issuing a recall of 640 Type-R Land Cruisers models #593 through #1233. If you own a Type-R and have experienced any of the following, you may be entitled to a full-purchase refund: Unreliable brakes, screaming accelerator, mirrors which reflect only shades of red, an inconsolable fear of water and/or violent acid reflux. We apologize for these minor inconveniences and continue to strive toward a better, less-demonic future for everyone. COMPANY, INCORPORATED: If it's not Company, it's Illegal.


Feeling down? Less energy than you used to have? Wish life didn't seem so grim? Wish the air you breathed didn't fill your lungs with a depressive heaviness that seemed to only further cement that feeling that all of life was a pointless, meaningless thing? Discover new hope, new answers, and new subconscious understanding of the truth of reality at the Church of the Transcendent Void. Paid for by no-one because all particular things are manifestations of your delusion.


"Oh, wow, honey, you look so... handsome today! What's new?"
"It's this Company, Inc. Liquid I bought."
"Wait, isn't that the stuff my mom used to clean the house with?"
"Sure is. But did you know you can also wash with it?"
"You can?!"
"And nothing out there makes you feel as clean and refreshed."
"Or look as handsome!"
"Exactly."
"Well how does it work?"
"It's simple: you just rub a little bit of Liquid between your fingers until you can feel the dirt in the pores of your skin being systematically destroyed..."
"Sounds easy enough..."
"And then you gently lather and rinse: it's that easy."
"Wow! And your pores are so... big!"
Big men. Big Liquid. Big pores. Company, Inc.

[James]

Commercial

It's the space prom. She's right there. You're going to ask her to dance. But you pause. What if she says no? What if she laughs? What if everyone laughs? Everyone will laugh. Or will they? You decide to ask her. But, no. She's now dancing with Leonard Joyce. It's too late.

Or is it?

You're at your holodesk. The robotic grouse has been released. Promotion season begins. You're going to let Mr Finnegan know all about your great new idea. But you pause. What if he thinks it's stupid? What if he decides you don't deserve the promotion? What if he gives it to someone else. He will give it to someone else. Or will he? You decide to present your idea. But, no. Leonard Joyce is now telling Mr Finnegan his new idea. It's too late.

Or is it?

You're at the The Chapel, Water Resort and Hunting Lodge of the Church of That One Cool Guy. It is your wedding day. You're going to marry Anita Wake. But you pause. What if she's the wrong woman for you? What if you don't love each other? What if she grows to hate you? She will hate you. Or will she? You decide to marry her. But, no. Leonard Joyce is marrying your wife. It's too late.

Or is it?

Don't let life's little doubts ruin you. Some people say seize the present? We here at Ulysses & Sons say seize the past with our new Temporal Time Displacement Bracelet. Go back to those nagging moments in your past. See what might have been.

The future's bright, the future is your past.

Terms and Conditions apply. Temporal Time Displacement may cause side-effects, such as loss of memory, loss of limbs, lost of existence and nose bleeds. Ulysses & Sons, a valued subsidiary of Company, Inc.

[James]

Commercial

Don't you hate waking up to a dull, colourless floor? Isn't it depressing seeing it stretch out in front of you, neverending? Life in the upper sections is hard for a ship worker like you.

Come to the Grass Lands and cause your friends to go green with envy. Feel the grass between your toes. Make grass angels. Try and beat our grassy maze. Smoke some grass. Actual grass. Not the discolouring, mind-altering synthetic stuff. Live a little. Live organic.

This advertisement is paid for by The Grass Lands Tourism Board. Please ensure to be tested for grass allergies before arrival.

[James]

Commercial

Some people say it's not natural. We say it's all natural.

Some people say man wasn't intended to be beneath machines. We say take it however you can get it.

Some people say you should have a little dignity. We say dignity doesn't feed the kids.

Some people say servitude is bad. We say it's serviffic.

Isaac Housekeepers is a valued subsidiary of Company, Inc. We act as a human cleaning business to those robots that just don't trust a metal hand to wipe away those tough to reach stains. Bring a human touch to those robotic homes.

Work for us now and receive the full set of benefits. Like food. And postponing death.