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Post by ARSmith ((Wolfeh)) on Oct 19, 2009 19:20:30 GMT -5
I've been thinking about the end of the world. So, another poem off the tippy-top of my brain. ^^ Feedback. KGO .: Foresight :. Dark-lit lights flicker dimly in my mind,
No hope left to open my eyes.
I feel lost, yet found, seen, sought.
What is this image appearing in my mind?
Trees of fiery rue, raging in an unextinguished fire, red with anger,
Skies of black brightening with the flash of lightening.
I see nothing more but hate and destruction,
Aching to escape through me, as if begging in a seductive manner, leaving me breathless.
Winded, the image flashes, a boom of thunder echoing through the bows of my head.
I hear screams. Dying, writhing screams.
This isn't real, it can't be,
Is this really a future worth coming to?
Nay, it cannot be!
I feel my hands clutch onto cloth, eyes springing open in utter despair.
I shouted out, letting go my own scream. A dream? A nightmare?
Sweat beaded my forehead, hair-rim dampened to the brink.
I felt weak, muscles tense, felt my heart throb in fast paced beats.
It felt so real... like it would happen.
This gift, this curse of foresight, of sheer distaste,
What if... what if it's real?
What if we cannot change what I've seen? |
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Post by Kaez on Oct 19, 2009 19:28:17 GMT -5
(( I liked this, like all of your poems. Particularly the end of it.
My only complaint would be how it shifts from past-tense to present-tense. That's a bit odd. Otherwise, good as usual. ))
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Post by ARSmith ((Wolfeh)) on Oct 19, 2009 19:29:30 GMT -5
[[ Thank you, Mr. Kaez. :] ]]
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Post by The Timeless One on Oct 19, 2009 20:48:49 GMT -5
(( I liked this a lot. One thing I will note is that in one stanza you had 5 lines instead of four...I'm not expert on poems, but should this be?
I really like it, very, very cool.))
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Post by JMDavis ((Silver)) on Oct 19, 2009 21:41:37 GMT -5
You have a real talent for poetry Wolfeh =3, and don't put yourself down when it comes to writing anymore young lady! =D
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Post by ARSmith ((Wolfeh)) on Oct 19, 2009 21:43:58 GMT -5
Thank you, Silver! ^^ I never told you guys, did I? My favorite colors are silver, black, and white. :3 And when did I put myself down? O.o
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Post by JMDavis ((Silver)) on Oct 19, 2009 21:51:11 GMT -5
Thank you, Silver! ^^ I never told you guys, did I? My favorite colors are silver, black, and white. :3 And when did I put myself down? O.o About you not being good as like Knaak and stuff... |
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Post by ARSmith ((Wolfeh)) on Oct 20, 2009 6:52:29 GMT -5
Thank you, Silver! ^^ I never told you guys, did I? My favorite colors are silver, black, and white. :3 And when did I put myself down? O.o About you not being good as like Knaak and stuff... Who is Knaak? |
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Post by Kaez on Oct 20, 2009 23:35:06 GMT -5
About you not being good as like Knaak and stuff... Who is Knaak? A terrible writer of WoW novels. |
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Post by ARSmith ((Wolfeh)) on Oct 21, 2009 6:57:41 GMT -5
A terrible writer of WoW novels. Ohhh... |
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Post by James on Oct 21, 2009 15:47:47 GMT -5
Lies. Knaak isn't bad. You guys just hate him because he copied something in previous work and re-did War of the Ancients with Rhonin and Krasus. A timeline, I might add, that was changed back to the way it was by Nozdormu. So Rhonin and Krasus were never "really" there according to Furion and Tyrande. No, Knaak is a technical bad writer. He also has the unfortunate fortunes of being a bad story-teller and horrible at characters. |
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Post by Kaez on Oct 21, 2009 16:12:47 GMT -5
To elaborate further:
Dark-lit lights flicker dimly in my mind,
No hope left to open my eyes.
I feel lost, yet found, seen, sought.
What is this image appearing in my mind?
The fourth line is my least favorite. It flows well and is interesting, but the use of a question seems a bit out of place.
Trees of fiery rue, raging in an unextinguished fire, red with anger,
Skies of black brightening with the flash of lightening.
I see nothing more but hate and destruction,
Aching to escape through me, as if begging in a seductive manner, leaving me breathless.
"unextinguished" and "as if begging in a seductive manner" are both a bit... odd. The former because there is no other type of fire and the latter, I'm just not sure. Something doesn't seem to fit. Oh, and: lightning*
Lightening is a word, but not what you mean.
Winded, the image flashes, a boom of thunder echoing through the bows of my head.
I hear screams. Dying, writhing screams.
This isn't real, it can't be,
Is this really a future worth coming to?
Nay, it cannot be!
Back on track, more immersive. Good.
I feel my hands clutch onto cloth, eyes springing open in utter despair.
I shouted out, letting go my own scream. A dream? A nightmare?
Sweat beaded my forehead, hair-rim dampened to the brink.
I felt weak, muscles tense, felt my heart throb in fast paced beats.
And more of that!
It felt so real... like it would happen.
This gift, this curse of foresight, of sheer distaste,
What if... what if it's real?
What if we cannot change what I've seen?
I like the future tense and past tense being blurred. That really adds something to it, and I like the stuttering of "What if". It really comes to a solid conclusion with those last three, but the beginning isn't perfect.
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Post by Jenny (Reffy) on Oct 21, 2009 16:24:21 GMT -5
Not much I can really say about this. I liked it. The pace was awesome. Quick enough to almost feel the despair and fear. The use of language brilliant, for the pace you set. The line spacing of 4, 4, 5, 4, 4, worked nicely. Continue as you are  *thumbs up* |
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Mena
Scribe
Posts: 667
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Post by Mena on Oct 27, 2009 23:13:19 GMT -5
This would make a great prologue to a book. Foreshadows something evil in the future, and leaves it wide open as to what it is. You are left wondering if the person seeing the vision is going to witness, prevent, or cause the nightmare.
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Lilam
Junior Author
SWAG
Posts: 2,785
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Post by Lilam on Oct 28, 2009 19:18:37 GMT -5
(( Dark-lit lights flicker dimly in my mind,
No hope left to open my eyes.
I feel lost, yet found, seen, sought.
What is this image appearing in my mind?- Not a big fan of the first line. I was confused how a light could be "darkly lit". But I did like the third line of this stanza. It effectively and simply conveys emotional and mental turmoil. *nod of approval* Trees of fiery rue, raging in an unextinguished fire, red with anger,
Skies of black brightening with the flash of lightening.
I see nothing more but hate and destruction,
Aching to escape through me, as if begging in a seductive manner, leaving me breathless.- Again, I'm a little confused by your word choice, specifically, "fiery rue". Rue implies regret or sorry, yet the fire is "red with anger". Also, "unextinguised" sounds very awkward in that line. I think another word would probably flow better. I don't quite like the last line either... something about "as if begging in a seductive manner" doesn't feel right nor does it explain why this "begging" is leaving you breathless (because it is seductive or because it is "aching to escape"?) Winded, the image flashes, a boom of thunder echoing through the bows of my head.
I hear screams. Dying, writhing screams.
This isn't real, it can't be,
Is this really a future worth coming to?
Nay, it cannot be!- Who or what exactly is "winded' in the first line? I assume it's the speaker of the poem, but the way the sentence is structured implies that it is the "image" that is winded... probably not what you were going for? Also, I wasn't sure what a "bow" was in relation to a human head. The "coming" in the fourth line feels a little awkward... unless you are implying that the speaker is actually IN the future at that moment, then disregard my stupid assumption. Lastly, the "nay" seems out of character for the speaker. I feel my hands clutch onto cloth, eyes springing open in utter despair.
I shouted out, letting go my own scream. A dream? A nightmare?
Sweat beaded my forehead, hair-rim dampened to the brink.
I felt weak, muscles tense, felt my heart throb in fast paced beats.- The second line is worded oddly... It implies that you could possibly "let go" someone else's scream other than your own. And "letting go OF" would flow better than just "letting go" in the context of that line. There are also some tense issues in this stanza; both past and present are used. It felt so real... like it would happen.
This gift, this curse of foresight, of sheer distaste,
What if... what if it's real?
What if we cannot change what I've seen?- The second line is structured in a weird way... unless you are implying you have a curse of sheer distaste? ~*~ *~ All in all, it was an okay poem. While, technically speaking, it had a few (easily fixable) mistakes, I think the main purpose of a poem is to invoke a reaction or emotion from the reader. And, personally, I think you did a marvelous job at conveying your conflicted thoughts, tumultuous emotions and uncertainty through your words. And I enjoyed the tiny peek into your inner machinations. And, having a reader enjoy their work despite it not being 100% perfect is one of the best rewards a writer can receive, right?  Keep up the good work, Wolfeh! I know that you will continue to improve and I, for one, look forward to watching you grow. ^_^ *huggles* )) |
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*thumbs up*
