|
|
Post by Jaylenrup on Jun 12, 2009 20:45:17 GMT -5
Hello all  With this story, I wasn't sure how I wanted to do it. Whose POV the chapters would be from and stuff like that. After much brain scratching I decided that it would be in first person from the Aggressors POV for the first chapter and then third person from the Victims in the rest of the story. So yeah... This is just the first chapter of my novel, tell me what you all think I shifted from foot to foot as I waited. Her bus would pull up soon and I would see her happy moon shaped face creased with anxiety at getting home so late. It was worth waiting for her. After all, I had just spent the last 28 days watching her from afar judging whether or not I want to risk myself getting caught for her. I had decided yes. She was a girl of passion and intelligence. I had looked into her past, dragged up the results for every piece of assessment she had ever faced. She did generally well. But it isn't school-book smarts that I fancy. It's that way she gets so fired up about ethical issues. I watched her defend her friend from a teacher, I had laughed when she got so impassioned she demanded that the teacher should give her a green card too, after all, wasn't she talking in class as well? I had place my hand over my mouth to stop my merriment being heard when she proceeded to storm out of the confused teachers room. In the end, it had been so chaotic that she and her friend had got off the hook. So I hunted her. She would be mine tonight. I smile as I hear the the bus come to a stop. She's here. No one else got off the bus with her. They never do. I had planned tonight well. Ah, how I love the sound of her voice. I almost want to punch the bus driver, he had offered only a grunt to her polite thanks. She would be mine tonight anyway, and then forever more. I crouch low in my hiding spot. I am careful not to make a sound. She has stopped in front of me. The beautiful smell of her assaults my nose. I will make her mine. She will be of my family soon. Gently, she adjusts the strap on her bag so it doesn't dig into her skin. She is beautiful in the moonlight. She is worthy of me. I watch as she pulls her phone out of her pocket to check the time. I know what time it will tell her; 9:39pm, 8th of March. Tonight is special. She looks anxious at getting home so late, just like I thought she would be. But of course I know how she feels, I always study them before I make them mine. Tonight she is Mine. She begins to run home. I love it when they run. And she is fast. She should be – after all, I have had to watch her every morning going for a jog and practising her sprints. She could out run most people. I stretch my limbs out and shift. I allow myself one last longing stare at her retreating form before I run the other way through peoples gardens. I leap over fences easily, and arrive at the corner, ready to ambush her. She will be mine. I do not have to wait long. I told you she was fast. But now, she is also exhausted. All according to plan. Well of course it is. It was very good and well thought out plan. A cough escapes me. Damn. She heard me. She came to a skidding stop. She has seen me. I grin and shrug. I can improvise. I take long deliberate steps across the road towards her. She lets out the most adorable muffled squeak ever. I laugh. She is mine. Once again, my girl runs away, this time I give chase. I love the hunt. I love the night air that rushes past me as I get closer to her. I love the smell of her fear. I could hear her shouting at herself to go faster. A waste of breath. I will have her. She is mine. She is running in terror, doing anything she can to get away from me. Good. This means she's not paying attention. I love the smell of her fear. The gravel from someone's garden causes my girl to fall. She hits the ground like a ton of bricks. I come to a halt. I am standing right over her. I can hardly believe that I am so close to her. Every fibre of my being is quivering in anticipation. She looks so terrified. I almost reach out my hand to help her up. She flinches and scrambles madly on the ground, trying to get up. Time to finish this. She stares at me in horror. I grin back. I have lusted for this night. I shift and finally make her mine. |
|
|
|
Post by J.O.N ((Dragonwing)) on Jun 12, 2009 20:59:34 GMT -5
It's good, certainly interests me, two mistakes I noticed were.
"I cough escapes me. Damn."
Should be "A cough escapes me. Damn."
"She come to a skidding halt."
"She came to a skidding stop" sounds better.
|
|
|
|
Post by Jaylenrup on Jun 12, 2009 21:10:41 GMT -5
Thanks Dragonwing! I'll back and fix it |
|
|
|
Post by J.O.N ((Dragonwing)) on Jun 12, 2009 21:21:34 GMT -5
No problem  |
|
Lilam
Junior Author
SWAG
Posts: 2,785
|
Post by Lilam on Jun 12, 2009 23:57:38 GMT -5
((Interesting. I'm not that big a fan of first person stories, but you make it work. I really want to see where you're going with this. *toddler-esque tantrum* Write more now, I say! *impatient foot stamp* The longer I have to wait, the more ridiculously infantile I'll get! *prepares to launch a juice box*))
|
|
|
|
Post by Jaylenrup on Jun 13, 2009 0:51:03 GMT -5
*Gasp* Not a juice box! I'm going to post the next chapter tomorrow, maybe. Well. I'm currently at my Nana's house with my laptop battery slowly running out, so the previous statement is probably false. However, I will post as soon as I can. Thank you, though. You made me smile |
|
|
|
Post by Jaylenrup on Jun 29, 2009 3:38:55 GMT -5
Ok, I want an opinion. Should my story's first chapter be from the attackers POV (see first post) or the victims POV?
Cassandra's POV in Third Person.
Cassandra nodded her thanks to the bus driver and started to walk home. Behind her she could hear the bus begin to move down the street once more. Gently she adjusted the strap on her bag so it didn't dig into her arm and pulled her phone out of her pocket to check the time.
9:39, 8th of March.
Her parents would think that was far too late.
Shadows danced around Cassandra, the street lights were being swarmed by moths and the once familiar sights of the day's light turned sinister in the night's dark.
Something felt wrong tonight. Millions of times Cassandra had made the trip to and from the bus stop. Something felt wrong.
Cassandra's footsteps echoed loudly in the quiet street as she walked, feeling scared of the night for some unknown reason. She wasn't normally afraid of the dark. In fact, some of her most loved and cherished memories were that of staying up late and stargazing with her father.
Tonight, Cassandra could only remember her mother once sitting her down as a child - this was after a string of kidnappings had been reported in the newspaper - and telling her that it was okay to kick strange men in the Unmentionables if they tried to force her to do something she didn't want to. Back then, Cassandra hadn't understood exactly what a strange man might do that warranted such a blow. She was 16 now, soon to be 17 in only 14 days. She understood.
And she worried about it now. Cassandra thought she could hear footsteps that did not belong to her.
Would the neighbours help if she did scream? Cassandra remembered a report that they had read in psychology class not long ago about a woman in a highly populated area in America. The woman had been murdered. She had screamed and screamed for help. Nobody came. They didn't want to intervene.
Didn’t want to get involved.
As her fear grew Cassandra ran faster and faster; she dug her fingernails into the palms of her hands. Don't be stupid, don't be stupid. Stop being an idiot, there's nothing there, don't be stupid. She thought to herself, angrily. You've walked home late before, why are you being such an idiot this time?
Cassandra ran around the corner and began to run up the alley between the rows of houses. The lamps up this alleyway were broken and Cassandra felt like the dark was consuming her. The moon light barely lit her way, but Cassandra continued to run.
Inside her head she planned out what she would do if someone did attack. Maybe she could fight back? Though she wasn't terribly tough and would be at disadvantage due to both running and getting caught unprepared. The dark night could hide anyone or thing.
She could flee then. She was fast. After all, she normally scored 2nd or even 1st place in the schools sports carnival in the sprints.
The night air, warm and dense, filled her lungs and her chest heaved as she filled it with that autumn night air. Despite this she kept running, the desire to get home burned within her. Cassandra was just imagining how she would have a long hot shower as soon as she got there when out of the corner of her eye, in the dim light, she saw someone.
Don't be stupid, don't be stupid. Stop being an idiot, there's nothing there, don't be stupid.
It was a figure, something like a person or a man. It was just a dark smudge to the side of her vision. She came to a skidding halt, nearly falling over. Her dark hair whipped around her face, obstructing her vision for a split second.
Cassandra gazed into the dark. There was a man-shaped figure hunched over and standing across the road from her. Just standing there, completely still. Watching.
Cassandra felt her chest constrict in fear, her body frozen in terror. A shiver of absolute horror ran down her spine and the hairs on her neck stood out on end. She could not stop staring at the figure; she couldn't move, and couldn't think. Her throat felt tight and her breath hurt as it exited her lungs.
The figure took a large, slow, deliberate step towards Cassandra. And then it took another. And another. Quickly, it was crossing the distance between them. Coming closer and closer to her.
Coming to get her.
Cassandra mouth opened and she tried to scream in distress, but no sound came out.
She turned, and ran faster than she had ever run before. From behind her she could hear the sound of something pursuing her. It was speeding up behind her.
Faster, FASTER, FASTER! Was all Cassandra could think. She was running blind. She had no idea where she was going other than away from It.
Gravel from someone's front yard had found its way to the footpath. Cassandra fell. She lay splayed upon the cold concrete. Cassandra tried to scramble to her feet once more, but she was too slow. It had already caught her. It stood above her, watching.
It attacked.
Cassandra passed out in pain and terror.
Anyways, which is better?
|
|
|
|
Post by J.O.N ((Dragonwing)) on Jul 8, 2009 3:22:24 GMT -5
You can do both  Though I like the third person, the first person is really interesting. |
|
|
|
Post by James on Jul 8, 2009 3:29:55 GMT -5
Personally I think you could use either way. As many know, I'm not a fan of first person, but you wrote it well, showed the emotions and it flowed. Although at times it felt a bit choppy. In third person, you managed to keep that same level of emotion as in first person, which is really hard to do, and it was just all round good.
Personally I would go third person. It just flowed a bit better, read easier and just seemed that little bit better. However the most important thing is to write in what perspective you find most comfortable in, and even more importantly, in what perspective you believe it should be told from.
*sage nod*
|
|
|
|
Post by Kaez on Jul 9, 2009 13:35:11 GMT -5
Personally I think you could use either way. As many know, I'm not a fan of first person, but you wrote it well, showed the emotions and it flowed. Although at times it felt a bit choppy. In third person, you managed to keep that same level of emotion as in first person, which is really hard to do, and it was just all round good. Personally I would go third person. It just flowed a bit better, read easier and just seemed that little bit better. However the most important thing is to write in what perspective you find most comfortable in, and even more importantly, in what perspective you believe it should be told from. *sage nod* ^^^^ That. Exactly. |
|
|
|
Post by ASGetty ((Zovo)) on Jul 9, 2009 15:31:43 GMT -5
I like how your characters are distinctly different in their thought processes. One is very direct, very insistent, if not rational at least purpose driven; like a predator. While the other seems a bit more indecisive, unsure, nervous, maybe even flighty; like suitable prey.
I am curious, though, whether or not this dichotomy will persist throught the entirety of the story, or if your charactrers will eventually blur into the same, mediocre, personality. A duality of this sort can be difficult to maintain.
Esspecially if the characters find themselves in a more intimate situation; that intimacy can be difficult to keep believable between two utterly opposite personalities.
|
|
|
|
Post by Jaylenrup on Aug 4, 2009 5:58:24 GMT -5
Super thanks to all those who gave their super critique of superness... Extra super word super for all you suckers who looked for white text. SUPER!!!I have decided I'll have the first chapter in the aggressors point of view (in first) and the rest of the story from the victim/Cassandra's point of view (in third), make sense? Also, I find having the characters tell their story from different POV's helps keep them different characters. I suppose one day I'll have to do away with this writing-characterisation-crutch-thing, but for now I'm going to use that crutch as much as possible... And possibly use it to bat away space-monster-zombies. (I've spent the whole day sick and playing Dead Space - I'm allowed to be weird.) So, anyway, my story. At the moment I sit down to write, and when that doesn't work I just bang my head on the keyboard repetitively. Surprisingly, it's not working to well. I know what I want to happen. I know what I want said and not said. However, I don't know how to bring this all together. Anyway, I'll give you all some of my ideas, and you can tell me whether or not they sound awesome: (Keep in mind I'm doing all this cause Dragon is forcing me too. No, really. He has a gun. Save me!)Cassandra's POV. Attacked at 9:45pm. Wakes at 2:30 pm next day. She is in hospital. When she was attacked she has a concussion, (results from a closed-head type of injury - I'm thinking her head hit the pavement pretty hard when she went down.) has numerous (but not too numerous) shallow stab wounds and her left leg was pretty much destroyed. I want this girl to have a permanent limp (plot reasons!) but in a good believable way. She'll hear the nurse and doctor talking about her injuries and tries to sit up almost immediately and will feel faint. Nurse orders her to lie back down. And since I like to be medically correct, she will be confused, have nausea, blurred vision, loss of short-term memory (can't exactly remember the events some time before or after the impact) and perseveration ( I think that's the correct term. It's pretty much repeating the same thing over and over, despite being told the answer each time, for example, "Was I in an accident?") At first she'll still be cloudy headed when they tell her she will always walk with limp e.g "Well, I was right footed anyway," but then she'll have an awesome emotional breakdown where she realises properly what's happened. Oh, and spoilers for my entire story in, if you care that is. Also, I have simplified it a bit. It'll be better than it sounds. Maybe. The guy who attacked her is a werewolf. 9:39, 8th of March 2012 is the time and date of the actual full moon. (Coordinated Universal Time.) Anyway. When he finds out she now has a limp, he decides that she is not worthy of his gift. However, he gives her a full moon cycle to prove herself worthy. When she fails to do so, he come to her house so he can kill her.
Why did he turn her in the first place? Well:
Because 1, he's dying and he wants someone strong to take over after him. He figures the more werewolves there are the better chances are that one will turn out alright. However, he keeps killing the people he's just turned cause they are all unworthy. Mostly because whilst turning them he loses control and rips off appendages or maims them or something... Making them worthless in his eyes.
Because 2, he totally wants the werewolves and other shapeshifters (the kitsune, skin-walkers and all heaps of other crazy peoples who can change into animals.) to come out of hiding and if there is a lot of werewolves obeying his comand, he'll have the support he needs to make this happen before he dies.
Because 3, Werewoles are currently the king shapshifters, if you will, but they're being threatened by different gangs of shapeshifters. Sort of Mafia Gang style wars going on there. So. Army of werewolves time! But think of this guy as like a really picky and finicky guy. Who is incredibly violent. So that whole army of wereowlves thing isn't really working out for him.
Anyway. Cassandra. After the cycle he come to her house and tries to kill her, but instead she kills him. (He's weak and dying remember, and she's a werewolf now. And is uber strong even though she only has 3 working legs when in canine form.) Since Cassandra killed him, she is now Alpha of the guy's small army of werewolves. She has to fake her death, join the werewolves and sort out all these problems he left behind.
Now. You know none of this. It will be mostly from Cassandra's POV, so you'll learn all about this as she does. But It'll be told to her in a cool way.
Also, I'm thinking instead of turning into wolves, they'll turn into various different kinds of canines. An example: Alpha guy is dingo, Cassandra is blue heeler. This way it can have a bit of an Australian spin. Even though we don't really have native dogs here. Just ones imported and bred into new ones... Yeah.
Any thoughts on the huge big lump of babble? Hmm... I need to go try and write the hospital scene again, only to be disappointed by my lack of creativity/awesomeness and then bash my head against my keyboard once more. |
|
|
|
Post by J.O.N ((Dragonwing)) on Aug 4, 2009 6:07:22 GMT -5
No one can really tell how to write your plot and such, it's all up to you and what you like, but what you got so far is really, really, really interesting and write more so we can read more!
|
|
Sensar
Author
Homonecropedopheliac and Legal Property of AWR
Posts: 6,898
|
Post by Sensar on Sept 6, 2009 17:53:58 GMT -5
((
While I found the first version to be a bit choppy. However, the third-person point of view was interesting. I feel that for both though, it is a bit . . . rushed. It's more action-based, but more description I feel would envelop the reader more.
But it's great. Keep working on it!
))
|
|
Orombur
Senior Scribe
Especially Mushu.
Posts: 2,417
|
Post by Orombur on Sept 7, 2009 12:07:11 GMT -5
((Both your 1st-Person and 3rd-Person sections were well-written. As Sensar said, the 1st-person section was a little bit choppy, but you could do well in either perspective.
There were a few grammar mistakes every now and then, but not a whole lot.
I like what you have here so far, as well as what you have planned.
))
|
|
