Radin
Scribe
The Beacon of Light
Posts: 685
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Post by Radin on Sept 7, 2009 21:47:40 GMT -5
(( While I found the first version to be a bit choppy. However, the third-person point of view was interesting. I feel that for both though, it is a bit . . . rushed. It's more action-based, but more description I feel would envelop the reader more. But it's great. Keep working on it! )) I kinda agree with Sensar. I did like the 3rd person over the 1st mainly because of the way it was written. It seemed like you wanted to emphasize the attackers obsession or drive towards adding her to his 'family'. But I think the story would be told better from the 3rd person, and mainly from the girls presepctive. Though, a few brief glimpse from the attackers perspective to add hints to his plan would be a great teaser. I can't give any gramar advise, because I fail very hard at that stuff. XD Given the story so far, if you add some more description and decent plot twists, it could be a great read. Keep it up. |
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Post by theredbaron on Sept 9, 2009 22:58:29 GMT -5
Before I review, is this about a rape? Just curious.
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Post by J.O.N ((Dragonwing)) on Sept 10, 2009 3:41:39 GMT -5
She gets attacked by a werewolf, no rape.
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Sensar
Author
Homonecropedopheliac and Legal Property of AWR
Posts: 6,898
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Post by Sensar on Sept 10, 2009 17:41:39 GMT -5
She gets attacked by a werewolf, no rape. (( Oh, really? I thought it added a sick sexual thrill. Okay. )) |
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Post by J.O.N ((Dragonwing)) on Sept 11, 2009 2:41:51 GMT -5
Well it sort of implies it, but there's to actual act of rape.
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Post by Jaylenrup on Sept 13, 2009 10:16:35 GMT -5
I wanted the reader to think that she might of been raped, but not ever positive. Later in the story the issue would be dealt with, but the main point is that she wasn't. Something else happened instead.
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Post by theredbaron on Sept 14, 2009 4:24:08 GMT -5
Ah, well then. =C
The first story was iffy but it was pretty interesting and got me hooked.
Third-person was even more interesting and lacked the shakiness of the first-person. Imo, first-person should be saved for "coming of age" stories based in our world, as it's the only genre that doesn't seem to suffer from the lack of info and perspective.
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Arlyan
Scribe
/facepalm
Posts: 380
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Post by Arlyan on Sept 14, 2009 12:39:09 GMT -5
I liked the third person better. The story premise is very interesting.
I would recommend reading through your story out loud (make sure it's out loud) as it helps you catch a majority of errors, and keeps it flowing well.
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Post by Meleta/Isoldaa on Sept 20, 2009 19:21:49 GMT -5
All right, I love me some werewolf stories! My favorite monsters ever - you've got me, I'm hooked. I'm yours...
The first person I did like, though I am by FAR no fan of first person narratives. I liked the repeated phrasing throughout, "she is mine," highlighting his obsession. What I would have really loved, though, is an idea of what exactly it is about her (besides being a fast runner) that made her stand out from her peers as a potential werewolf candidate? Spunky, mouthy teenagers are a dime a dozen - what about her is that made him focus on her specifically?
There was also a problem with your changing tenses from past to present to perfect present to past - might want to review that.
The third person was also good - lacked a little of the spirit of the first half, but then again it's hard to duplicate the intensity of an obsessed attacker (for obvious reasons). I don't know if you do this or not, but it also might help for you to actually read your work out loud while you're editing it, and actually listen to what you've written. It will help out tremendously with both dialogue (word and thought) as well as catching many grammar and punctuation erros.
Definitely looking forward to seeing more of this. ;D
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