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Post by Kaez on Oct 10, 2016 4:17:30 GMT -5
For the final round, write an entry based on any prompt used in the previous six rounds to which you were not assigned. Please indicate which prompt you're writing for at the beginning of your entry.
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Post by The Counter Cultist(Sawyer) on Oct 18, 2016 1:28:15 GMT -5
Flash:Fantasy
The warmth within the egg, feeling that there was a truly precious life inside. Elowyn cherished that feeling as she bought the crimson vessel to her chest, letting the dragon within feel her heartbeat. Soon it would hatch. Only one ritual remained and she would meet the being that would bond with her for the rest of their life.
“Are you ready Acolyte?”
Elowyn looked up from her egg to the man seated before her. Her uncle, Xae the Deceiver. He stared at her with onyx eyes, showing no emotion. Finding her tongue tied and unwilling to cooperate, she simply nodded. As he began to prepare, she looked up to the balcony above to look at the observers that had gathered. All of them her family, the people that had helped her mother, Aliyah, raise her. Elowyn’s eyes fell on her last. She remembered the day her mother had bought to the hatchery. How her dragon had chosen her. The lesson she had been taught. Of how a dragon was no simple pet. That it was a lifelong bond. One that, at times, was thicker than even blood. Her mother, despite Elowyn’s decision to not join the dragon knights, had made her take the same oath they all had taken. That she would protect her dragon as fiercely as the dragon would protect her; and that they would be together, always.
“You’ll pardon me if I seem a bit unnerved at the moment,” Elowyn returned her attention to Xae as he ground a collection of herbs with a mortar and pestle. “You may not be joining the order, but simply being bonded with a dragon can still be dangerous. Master of ceremonies I may be, you are still my niece, and I worry.” Elowyn felt her cheeks warm to a blush as her uncle finished. Despite effectively being her father, Xae’s public displays of emotion and affection were sparse; so she treasured them dearly.
“This ritual is simple,” Xae continued on, setting the mortar down and examining the freshly ground ingredients. “I magically ignite these ingredients, you inhale, and focus on your dragon. You divine its name, and you call to it, willing the egg to hatch. You simply have to hold the egg close, and the name will come to you.” Elowyn took another few deep breaths in preparation, readying herself. She scanned the balcony again, looking at each expectant face. Her mother’s, and her entire extended family. Finally she looked back down to Xae, finding her voice at last.
“I’m ready.” With a crooked smile and an exaggerated movement of his hand, Xae ignited the mixture in the pestle magically, and offered the bowl to her with both hands. Determined, Elowyn leaned forward and breathed the smoke in deep.
The concoction hit her almost immediately, with the force of a hammer. She felt her pupils widen, as if in shock, and her body go stiffer than a corpse while her mind raced and vision blurred. Elowyn did as Xae had instructed and brought the egg close to her chest again. She could feel the dragon begin to stir underneath the shell, which grew ever hotter. It was reacting to her awakened mind. Focusing through the haze, she reached into the dragon’s mind. Gently, she weaved through it, searching for the answer she seeked. Finally, one word emerged past her lips, no louder than a whisper.
“Alatrax”
With force unexpected for a creature it’s size, her dragon erupted from egg with a screech, shattering the top half. Elowyn moved back in surprise, looking down at it. Crimson scales, to match the shell, and eyes that were as blue as her own. Her face struck with an expression of awe, she gently picked up the newborn and brought it close to her, embracing it as a mother would her infant.
“Congratulations, Elowyn and Alatrax. May you never be separated.” Elowyn didn’t look up as her uncle spoke. She only looked into Alatrax’s eyes, as he purred in her arms. The moment she had longed for was here. As her new life long friend climbed from her embrace to her shoulders, she gently nuzzled his face with her own.
“Until death should take us both,” she finished for Xae. With that phrase; the ritual was completed. Now all that remained was their life.
“Together always,” she whispered, watching as Alatrax simply stared back.
“Always together.”
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Post by Kaez on Nov 5, 2016 3:35:42 GMT -5
Hey! Sorry for being so late on this one. But I've got a few words for you: I like the beginning of the story. I like that in the first two lines you set the scene for us about what's going on here and why it's important without it feeling like a forced description. I do think that all of your names are bad. I don't know quite why, but you have this real penchant for the cheesiest names in the world. You gotta kick that habit. I also think you struggle a bit here with sentence pacing. Rather than explain what I mean, just read this: www.justkeepreiding.com/uploads/2/6/6/9/26698372/347553570.jpgThen go read your first big paragraph and you'll see what I mean by that. Then there's stuff like this: You tell us the concoction hits - THEN you describe its force. That doesn't work nearly as well as describing the force and THEN telling us what the force relates to. Flip that sentence to, "With the force of a hammer, the concoction hit her almost immediately," and it has the impact you're looking for. And there's also stuff like this: There's nothing wrong with that sentence, but I want you to contemplate whether that's the right way to write it for your purposes here. When the sentence revolves around what 'she felt', then it's very internal. It's very personal and intimate. We're into what she's feeling. And that can be good at times, but here, the next two things you describe are -physical things- happening. And as a general rule, it's better to describe physical things externally rather than internally. So I think if you'd written, "Her pupils widened, as if in shock, and her body went as stiff as a corpse. She felt her mind racing, and her vision blurred." External stuff described externally, internal stuff described internally. Does that make sense? Otherwise, I quite like this story. It's brief and simple and short, but nevertheless tells a complete story. It feels like it has a beginning, middle, and end and that's really important for flash fiction. So you definitely succeeded on that front. Just watch the subtleties of your language. There's room for refinement here. And I'm not sure if you really edited this much or anything, but in the future, like when you're working on your series, consider things like I've described when you're in the editing process. |
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