Round 7 - Ink vs Matteo

[Kaez]

For the final round, write an entry based on any prompt used in the previous six rounds to which you were not assigned. Please indicate which prompt you're writing for at the beginning of your entry.

[Inkdrinker]

Sept 21, 2016 0:16:20 GMT -5 Kaez said:

For this round, you must write a horror story in less than 750 words.

The Flesh Prince of Bel-Air

Now this is a story all about how
My life got warped—turned inside out
And I'd like to take a minute
Just sit right there
I'll tell you how I became the prince of a town called Bel-Air

In pre-Babylonia born and raised
Necropolis was where I spent most of my days
Stitchin’ flesh makin' playthings of meat
Studying old rituals for magics discreet
When a couple of priests who were up to no good
Started making trouble in my neighborhood
I cut both their hearts out and my master got scared
He said, "Ina etuti asbu malku ina Bel-Air!"

I begged and pleaded but it was far too late
He said the weird words and opened up the void-gate
He gave me a sharp kick and then he pushed me right through
The last thing I heard for five-thousand years was “Anzillu!”

Drifting, dead, the years go by
Thinking of all the ways to get my revenge
And what will the people of Bel-Air think of me?
Hmm, this might be easy

The prophecies say it’s quite a wealthy land
Is this the type of place that they’d send me in remand?
I don't think so
I'll see when I get there
I hope they're prepared for the prince of Bel-Air

Well, the time had come and when I emerged
There were several strange looking men in robes and on me they converged
I won’t let them put me in chains again
I just got here
I sprang with the quickness like lightning, disappeared

I whistled for my sword and when it appeared
The bone-blade glistened and quivered in the coastal sunlight
I brought it down on the first person that I saw
Feeding off their agony
"Rise, my first subject."

I came to the last house that I had not conquered
And I yelled to my army, "Burn it, no survivors!"
I looked at my kingdom
I was finally there
To sit on my throne as the Prince of Bel-Air

[Kaez]

Hey, so, I know this is super late and I'm sorry about that. This is also such a super-short piece that it's hard to say much about it. But I wanted to say SOMETHING:

This is hilarious and fun. Like, you get all the bonus points in the world for creativity. Very fun and very unique idea here.

The rhymes aren't all perfect - in fact, sometimes you just seemed to not bother trying to rhyme things. The meter is a little off at times, too, and you're missing a syllable here or there. And I definitely think you could've spent an extra hour on this and really make it that much better by just fixing those little things that are off about it. But, man, lines like:

He said, "Ina etuti asbu malku ina Bel-Air!"

and

The last thing I heard for five-thousand years was “Anzillu!”

are just hysterical. That's a lot of fun. It's hard to know that you would've actually beaten legit competition in this round, if you'd had any, because again, it's such a short piece that there's not a lot of room to do much with it. But, still. What a fun exercise in writing. I'd love to see this performed with costumes or animated or something. It's short and funny and good, but not as good as it could've been with just a little more work.