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Post by Kaez on Oct 3, 2016 2:45:10 GMT -5
Write a story using dialogue only. Your topic is Police.
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Sensar
Author
Homonecropedopheliac and Legal Property of AWR
Posts: 6,898
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Post by Sensar on Oct 10, 2016 16:24:56 GMT -5
Another Morning “You have the coroner’s report?”
“Yeah, yeah. Got it right here, initial stuff. Just a sec. Okay, here it is. Coroner mentions this is an odd one. Time of death, just after noon. Sun was beating at him for a long time. Died of dehydration and physical exhaustion. No internal injuries, scar on his left foot, likely from childhood.”
“That’s it?”
“Mm. He wasn’t a smoker, doesn’t look like he was a heavy drinker. Might’ve been an insomniac. Chewed his fingers a lot. They’re still running his DNA, still checking out his chemistry, but we don’t have an ID on him yet. Sounds like they’re also looking at recent missing persons reports for matching descriptions. Something should turn up.”
“What do you think, Ted? What kind of man is knocking on a door one minute and keeling over dead the next?”
“Well, that all depends on how much you believe the rancher’s story. I wouldn’t say he’s the most cooperative guy we’ve met.”
“No, you’re right, he’s an ass. But my gut tells me he’s not lying.”
“Instinct?”
“Instinct.”
“Really?”
“Wipe that smug grin off your face.”
“Please, Bill. Instincts. Really? Bill, you’re playing out a script. Instincts have nothing to do with it. Even if you are right; you’re probably right though. Based on his interview alone we could get him convicted, but it’s this report that interests me.”
“The guy’s an ass, but I don’t think an ass like that leaves the body out in the middle of the road and then calls us up. If he’s as independent as he pretends to be he buries it and knows he won’t find it. Instead the guy freaks out at an actual sign of trouble and turns himself in. All bark, no bite.”
“Fair enough.”
“Something is still fishy, though, right? You have to start somewhere when you’re dealing with something like this. No real clear motive, no real clear reason that anyone should be dying of dehydration just twenty miles out of town unless they’re a complete idiot. There’s even a stream in the woods out there, I’ve gone fishing with the kids.”
“Maybe he was a complete idiot? Our latest Darwin award?”
“Sure. Yeah, sure, but then what about the dead phone? Or the fact that he didn’t have a wallet? That reeks of foul play.”
“Wait, what? Sure, the no wallet makes sense, but then why wouldn’t they have taken the phone as well?”
“Well, it was cracked, right? They might not have wanted to strip it for parts.”
“Mm. How’s the fishing in the river?”
“Oh, well, not bad. I mean, lately you’re not gonna get much. But ten years ago? I was still landing carp like this size. Perfect for the family, you know? Really close, water wasn’t too dangerous, didn’t need to rent a boat or anything. And if the kids got bored they could climb trees.”
‘Whole package, huh?”
“Yeah, it was a thing for a little while, we were going every month.”
“See, I could never get into fishing.”
“No?”
“I appreciate it, the quiet, the patience game, right? But maybe I just have shit luck at it, or something, because I’ve never caught a single thing. Maybe river fishing is the place to go, because I hate lakes, too. The smell of them, midges and mosquitos everywhere.”
“No, I get you. Lakes are strange. I’d never want to just wade into a lake, but my feet into the silt. You gotta jump off a dock, or a rock, or something.”
“Yeah, they second you jump in you just want out.”
“I hear the Great Lakes are different, that they may as well be seas.”
“They have waves and everything, right?”
“Yeah, currents too, I hear.”
“Are they technically in-land seas, then? What defines an in-land sea? Is it the size or does it need to have salt-water?”
“I dunno. We can check.”
“Hold on, I just got a message.”
“What does it say?”
“Well, they’ve ID’d the body, and we’re being taken off the case.”
“What? Hold on, we’re off the case?”
“Yeah, chief’s saying that the feds are going to take the file and wrap it up themselves.”
“Holy shit.”
“Yeah, holy shit.”
“What are we looking at here? A cover-up? Or is this part of some on-going priority investigation?”
“Well, we’ll know if we’re dead in the next week ourselves.”
“Only a part of me wants to laugh at that.”
“Yeah, no kidding. Says we’re supposed to just organize all our paperwork neatly and keep mum.”
“This sort of thing you hear about, sure, but I never thought it would happen here.”
“Yeah.”
“I’m not sure how I feel about the case being taken away.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, it’s not about how we feel, Bill. We’re off. They’ll get the job done.”
“I suppose.”
“All right then. Coffee?”
“Sure.”
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Post by The Counter Cultist(Sawyer) on Oct 10, 2016 17:46:33 GMT -5
“…holy shit.”
“It was him or us rookie.”
“…holy shit, Jack, what did you do?”
“I survived kid. Like I said, either I did that, or that fucker was gonna blast us.”
“Do you see a weapon Jack! Because I don’t see a fucking weapon on him.”
“It doesn’t matter Blake, he was out here with the rest of those fucking looting pieces of shit. Do you want to end up like all those other dead pricks that hesitated? You got to remember that you’re not some pissant patrolman from Grayslake anymore. This is Chicago, and you either take action or you die.”
“Jesus Jack, he can’t be more than fifteen. He had his hands up. He had his fucking hands up!”
“Blake, it doesn’t matter how old he is. And yeah he had his hands up. Until he drops them for the piece I’m sure he’s got in his pants somewhere. I guarantee you Blake. You did the right thing.”
“God I’m going to be si-sick….”
“Fuck Blake, what did you eat. Also stop being such a fucking pussy. You act like you’ve never killed a criminal before.”
“F-fuck you Jack. How do you fucking know? Not every black kid in Chicago is a crook. Jesus, I think I recognize this kid. He was playing ball with his little brother during my first patrol. He offered me a fucking doughnut. Jack, I think we’re the bad guys here.”
“Every one of these little niggers out here right now has already signed their life away. Black Lives Matter. Fuck them all. They’re nothing but a bunch of degenerates.”
“God damn, Jack. Do you hear yourself right now?”
“Blake, right now all I hear from you is some sort of pussy whining. I’m the one making sense. All these assholes want is no police. That way they can commit crime all they want. And that’s why I’m out here. To make sure that as many of these animals don’t pull this shit ever again as I can.”
“You’re not…”
“I live for these protests Blake, because amidst all the chaos I can get away with whatever I want. You know how hard it is to keep track of who we cops kill or who these animals kill? Really fucking hard, hard enough that I can easily blame this little nigger, and any others like him, on some fucking looter. On these streets, I am God, and I make sure everyone on the North Side stays safe from every one of these little ni-”
“…dispatch, I need to report two officers down. Officers Jack Prescott and Blake Richardson. Both bodies are at the corner of Lower Wacker and Lake Shore Drive. Cause of death appears to be gunshot to the head. Over and out.”
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Post by James on Oct 14, 2016 3:14:53 GMT -5
Sensar I skimmed this story earlier on in the week and was kind of disappointed. But when I sat down to read it properly, this story is so much better than its first appearance.
The dialogue is really well-written. It feels completely natural, there's a nice patter to it. Excellent work. I also adore how the conversation flows. It's like a normal chat between two people: you start on one topic and then before you know it, your ten miles down the road talking about in-land seas. Sometimes in a short story it can be hard to convey that sense of realism because you don't have the words spare for a side street, but you really took advantage of the prompt to write a realistic, flowing conversation.
The plot is quite basic, but there's a nice mystery which hooks the reader's attention until their attention is captured by the conversation. And the ending is a nice way to round it off, especially coupled with Ted and Bill just throwing their hands in the air and getting coffee, instead of being consumed by the potential conspiracy. I'm only a little bit disappointed because I see the glint of an absurdist drama forming, which we never really get. Maybe that's just because I know who you are.
The one thing I'd say is that both characters felt quite similar. I never got confused about who was saying what, but I think that just came down to there only being two people talking. However, if I was to go back to a random spot and start reading (say the fishing bit), I don't think I'd be able to tell which one was Bill and which one was Ted. If they had more distinct voices, it probably would have taken what is an excellent dialogue-only story to a perfect one.
Sawyer You took the prompt in the exact way I'd hope someone would. So well done on being bold and not chickening out.
Saying that, I almost felt this was too “cartoon evil”. Jack was so over the top in his racism that he didn't feel particularly real. You know what would have been even more unsettling? Jack rationalising the shooting in a way that the reader can actually see themselves agreeing with. Make them confront their own perceptions and prejudices. Instead we basically get a Neo-Nazi as a cop and that undercuts a lot of the impact this story could have had. I also have concerns over the use of “nigger” in this story. You use it two and a half times in five paragraph times and it's almost a sign of trying too hard. You know what would have been cool? A single use of “nigger”, a detonation in the story, a moment that smacks the reader across the fact, just before we get the twist ending of the officers being killed.
I actually think the dialogue was really solid. Even if the characters didn't necessarily feel real, the way they talked was realistic enough. The argument flowed, Blake's realisation about who the kid was, was really written. I think this prompt highlights that you can actually write dialogue pretty well, you've got a decent ear for it. It just needed better characters.
One other thing: I don't think your story was consistent. It starts off with Blake asking Jack what he did. It starts with Jack saying “either I did that, or that fucker was gonna blast us.” There's a clear implication that Jack has shot the unarmed man. But then, three paragraphs later, Jack is telling Blake “you did the right thing” and that he's acting “like you've never killed a criminal before”. Now it reads Blake took the shot. There's a confusion.
So the dialogue was well-written, kudos for tackling a big issue, but I'd like to see you think more about what you're writing. At the moment, I'd say the key weakness in your writing of your competition is you aren't thinking enough about what you write: a romance story which wasn't romantic, and a flash fiction and dialogue-only story which both could have been so much better if you thought about what you were actually saying with your story.
I'm impressed with the quality of the dialogue in this round. Both of you handled the prompt well. But Sensar brought me a more rounded story, a more flowing conversation. He gets the point.
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