Round 2 - Lighthouse (Sawyer vs Sam)

[Kaez]

[The Counter Cultist(Sawyer)]

Rose could feel the cold New England evening wind biting against her face. Like a frozen hand slowly caressing her cheek. Weirdly enough she though, tightening the wooly scarf around her neck a little, she sort of missed these cold autumn nights. The lake air of Chicago just wasn’t the same, she reasoned. The salt in the air made all the difference. Any good New England born person like the lighthouse keeper leading her and her companion up to the top would tell you that.

They finally reached the top, and Rose breathed in fully the coastal air, releasing an exaggerated exhale as if to try and make her satisfaction to everyone around. It was perfect, almost like the night she and her tag along lover had first confessed to each other. Though they had been a little higher and it had been sunset already. Though, perhaps, more importantly, it was like the last time she had been at this particular lighthouse. With a different companion. She turned to the lighthouse keeper who offered a smile through his thick silvery beard.

“I was about to make myself a cup of tea,” the old man said through the corn cob pipe he was chewing. “You ladies want any?”

“Sounds lovely Rodney,” I said, smiling in return and looking back out towards the glimmering moonlit waters of the Atlantic, trying to avoid the blinding light of the beacon just to our right. “We shouldn’t be too long, I just wanted to admire the view for a bit.” Rodney tipped his cap in a little bowing motion, and departed. Only stopping a moment to perform the same action towards her just now catching up companion. The old man hadn’t changed much in the five or so years since Rose had last been to this lighthouse. Unlike Rose herself who, despite a still youthful appearance, had definitely aged a little. Unlike her lover, who was still much the same as the day they had began their relationship. Rose smiled down the stairs at her. Her neck length rose colored hair and absolutely beautiful violet eyes seemed to glow in the dark against her bright snow colored skin. By God, it was the same feeling every day since that fateful sunset they had spent looking out to Lake Michigan. The feeling of looking at the actual abstract idea of perfection itself.

Her lover. Her Angel.

“Why did we come here again Rose?” Angel grumbled, finally reaching the top and coming up Rose. Rose only smiled in response as her little star-child looked at her expectantly. Almost pouting with those soul sucking violet eyes and rosy red cheeks. Rose only came in and rubbed her nose gently against Angel’s own.

“For someone who can fly, you sure do complain a lot about having to go up things.” She said, making sure Angel could hear the light teasing in her voice. Angel turned up the pouting, putting her hands on Rose’s shoulder. It had been three years since her impassioned confession over Lake Michigan, and this close Rose truly realized how she looked very much the same. Rose herself and a few new laugh lines and a few stress induced bags under hey eyes. The stress of other events that had occurred. Nothing that mattered anymore. The only thing that mattered right now was Angel, and Rose’s intentions for her, as she gripped the small round object in her coat pocket for comfort.

“It wasn’t the climb, it’s j-just so c-cold.” Angel eventually groaned, drawing out the ‘so’ and, Rose swore, exaggerating a stutter. Rose only smiled back, and shook herself away from Angel’s grip. Slowly she moved towards the edge of the lighthouse and beckoned Angel to follow. Like Rose knew she would, Angel moved forward, and Rose turned around to gaze out at the ocean. She could see a moderate sized sailboat flowing north along the coast, a single body visible on the deck. Other than that it was the gentle sounds of the waves crashing along the shore and the wind whistling through the open lighthouse spire, like a child blowing into an open empty bottle.

Smirking, she lifted her arm up as Angel came up on her left and pulled her close, trying to improve her girlfriend’s situation by sharing body heat. Also she just liked the feeling of her lady being close to her. Especially here. Since the last time she had been here, she had been in Angel’s position. Brought there for mysterious purposes, without a clue as to what her companion had planned. Rose felt her heart flutter, and she focused her eyesight, tuning her natural empathic sense to her eyes. From here she could make out the aura of the person on the sailboat. Light blue; calm and perhaps happy. She glanced over at Angel. Dark pink with a hint of violet. Passion and affection, with but a hint of anxiety. Or perhaps, Rose thought to herself, anxiousness to get back into the warmth of the lighthouse interior and the fire at the bottom.

“Did I ever tell you I was engaged before I met you?” Rose chimed in, after a few moments of silence had passed. She wasn’t sure why she was bringing it up. Did she really have to bring this up? Rachel had been gone for so long now, so many things had happened. Subtly shaking her head, Rose broke herself from her trance. She had played this whole event out in her head at least a thousand times. There would be no screwing it up.

“You haven’t,” Angel said. Rose knew right right away that some confession or another was incoming. The violet in Angel’s aura had grown a little bit. Almost always a sure sign that she knew something she though shouldn’t have. “Alan mentioned to me you had a girlfriend before me, a couple of days after we started seeing each other. Not that you had been engaged though.”

Rose breathed a silent thank you to Alan for choosing to be discreet about it. While she may not have necessarily minded Angel knowing about the engagement, what had happened to Rachel was something she had wanted to keep hidden. She wasn’t even sure why anymore. Her empathy and ghost walking(and whispering, she supposed) had allowed her some closure, in the form of a final graveside conversation. Rachel had even said she wanted her to move on. So why had Rose gone to great lengths to not talk about her? Was it perhaps respect for her, or residual feelings still deep in her heart?

“Her name was Rachel Pricefield.” Rose said, taking a somber tone. Once again she slipped her hand into her pocket with her free hand as the memories came back. “She had been my best friend from the moment we were both born. She proposed to me here, five years ago now. Then she died almost a week later.” Rose pulled the object from her pocket and, making sure to keep it out of Angel’s superhuman sight, gazed down at it. A ring. A wedding band to be exact, made of gold, and a beautifully cut diamond. Rose still didn’t know how Rachel had ever afforded it. The only explanation that made sense was that she had been saving since long before they had even started dating. Perhaps from the moment they were old enough to understand what love is. Deep down, under the punk rebel without a cause facade, Rachel had been that kind of person. The kind to hold something deep inside until the moment was exactly right.

“You remember I can see and speak to ghosts right?” Rose knew it was a stupid question, considering the girl she was speaking was basically Supergirl and Dr. Strange mixed into one perfect package. “Well we did get one final conversation. She told me I should move on, and find someone else. She didn’t want me to hold on to her, or not live a full life because she wasn’t in it.” Rose paused for a moment, frowning. She had failed Rachel in that goal, at least at first. Immediately she had joined Alan on his little crusade. Sure, Rachel’s killer may have been dealt with, but Rose still carried guilt in her heart over it. They may have had the final conversation; but Rose would never forget how she had tossed the ring in her hand at Rachel’s feet, and left her alone in those woods. She didn’t think she could forget it.

“I failed her, even turned down a couple of offers along the way. But then we found you.” Rose remembered that day clearly too. She remembered looking into the cryogenic pod as Angel slept, remembering calming her after she had awakened. She clearly remembered how she had felt towards their discovery from day one. And, much like Rachel had done, she had begun planning this current moment from that first meeting.

The moment that she would finally do as Rachel had asked.

“Angel,” Rose broke her speech before it began, trying desperately to find the right words. She glanced down to her own hand, still focusing on the auras. A perfect mix of violet and pink around it. Just like Angel during that fateful sunset in Chicago. Rose managed to steel herself, willing the butterflies in her stomach down. She had spent too long planning this moment to see it go to waste.

“Angel, from the very moment we found you, I have loved you. I told you that three years ago on the Watchlight Tower observation deck. Just as you told me the same thing.” Rose paused again, briefly trying to calm the ever growing twin maelstroms in her stomach and mind. It was almost time for the finale. “I thought that I was fulfilling my promise to Rachel about moving on just by being with you. But not to long ago I realized, or perhaps I always knew, that there was one step left before I could finally actually move on.”

This was it, the moment the past five years had been building towards. From that final conversation with Rachel’s spirit in Quiet Mountain cemetery, to finding Angel in that dark abandoned lab, to that perfect evening in Chicago. Rose broke her arm free from Angel, and knelt down on one knee before her. Shaking ever so slightly, she gripped Angel’s hand and watched as confusion spread over her not-quite human lover’s face. Smiling she prepped the coup de grace, remembering the events of five years ago as she slowly brought the ring into view.

Remembering as she had looked down at Rachel, who had knelt where she was kneeling now. Who had also produced a ring.

Who had also asked the next question.

“Angel, will you marry me?” Rose watched as realization slowly hit her girlfriend like a ton of bricks. There were no words, only frantic nodding. Rose beamed back, and slowly put the ring onto Angel’s middle finger. Before standing to give her new fiancee a kiss. She was disappointed as Angel took a large step back. Then fear overtook her like a pack of wolves, as Angel dropped into a low pouncing stance. She knew exactly what was coming next.

“Noooooooo,” she said, going backwards so she was leaning against the railing. “Don’t you fucking dare you little-”

She was cut off as Angel charged her, throwing her into a wild embrace as they went up over the railing and into the air. Rose could only scream, half in joy and half in terror as they slowed and came to slow a drift directly over the water. Over her scream, she could make out Angel’s own, matching her decibel for decibel and pitch for pitch. With just a hint of playful laughter mixed in. Coyly, Rose wondered what the person on the boat was thinking right now. Not everyday you saw a pair of flying lesbians hovering a few hundred feet above your head, screaming in joy at each other.

Accepting that she had no say in when they were going to be landing, Rose let her scream fade away into laughter with Angel. Then she stared her blue eyes into Angel’s own violet. A brief moment of dense silence passed, before they finally lunged into each other for a long kiss. They had had a lot of kisses since their first on that observation deck overlooking Lake Michigan, but none had quite met its level of passion. This one however, Rose could feel the fire coming from her heart and from Angels, burning twice as hot as it had that evening. She pulled back from Angel and looked at her, focusing on the aura again. Gone was the muted violet. Now there was nothing but the glorious red-pink of passion and love. With a smile Rose, looked past Angel to her own hand, to see the same. They were two joined clouds of hazy pink illuminating the night sky almost as much as the beacon behind them. Sighing in satisfaction nuzzle her head into her new fiancee’s shoulder and tightened her embrace as Angel continued to drift with her over the sea. Despite the cold nip in the air, she never wanted this moment to end. She only wanted to be here, with her lover, her muse, her everything.

Her Angel.

[Ad Absurdum]

.

[Ad Absurdum]

(Accidentally double posted)

[James]

Sawyer
I'm so glad it's just Rose now.

I think this story had one fundamental problem and then a few smaller things which I want to talk about. There were also some diamond in the rough, though, so don’t get too disheartened.

The big issue is simply that this story has too much going on off-stage. You clearly have a wider story in your mind and you’re struggling to pick out what the reader needs to know from the elaborate backstory you have. The problem is increased by the fact that this is a sequel. You mention that earlier story five times during this story. Now, I’ve read that story. I knew what you were talking about. But I think these stories need to work independently and I’m not sure this one does. I wonder what Pete would have thought reading this story.

On top of the referencing of the earlier story, you start throwing out all these hooks about the wider setting: ghost walking, cryogenic pods, the mysterious Alan and his crusade. It’s too much. It’s too distracting. The story would have been so much better if you concentrated on telling the small story, the romance between Rose and Angel. Don’t get too bogged down in the wider world.

So that’s the big issue. There’s too much going on and the story is grappling with being a slice of life story in a far wider setting. But ignoring that, I sort of have a fundamental problem with the romance angle that I didn’t in the original Roseluck story. It’s getting creepy. This comes about in two ways. First of all, just the language. “Her little star child” just does not sound romantic. And Rose calling Angel “her lady” seems kind of off-putting. I think it’s because Angel is so passive until the end. She almost appears like a possession of Rose.

Secondly, and maybe this is more subjective than any of my feedback so far, but this was not romantic. I can’t think of anything worse than proposing in the same place you were proposed to. This story was about Rose proposing to Angel. Maybe, you could have a side issue of her moving on from Rachel. That’s fine. But Rachel dominates this story in a way that is just wrong. As Rose proposes to Angel, one of the biggest moments in their relationship, Rose is still thinking about Rachel.

There is a possibility that could salvage this story: this is meant to be a portrayal of a dysfunctional relationship. But I don’t think that’s what you were going for. I think you were going for romance and this was problematic. Think everything through; think how various people would react, especially when you’re writing about love.

Beyond that, I’d like to see you just tidy your writing up a little. You randomly slipped into first person for a moment and the third sentence of the entire story has a spelling mistake. These are things that can be easily fixed and endear your story more to your reader.

However, like I said earlier, there were some really nice moments in this story. The little things were well conveyed. Right at the start, you talk about people living on the coast missing the salt in the air when they move inland and that’s a great observation to make. The wind just doesn’t taste right. It’s a hook to let the reader know that you’re capable of observing truths about certain people. Similarly at the end, you really capture that feeling of pure contentment people get when they’re with their loved ones and never wanting the moment to end. That really hit home as well. There was a deft use of emotion, even if at times, it got twisted.


Sam
I really, really, really enjoyed this story. In fact, this might be my favourite of anything you posted here. This story was definitely a step up from your first round and is a frontrunner for my story of the competition so far.

The story itself was excellently structured and kept the reader's attention, helped along either by an unreliable narrator or well-timed oddities. There was a nice Lovecraftian vibe to it, and I was strongly reminded of Jeff Vandermeer's Annihilation series throughout. There were excellent turns of phrase (“more scab than island”) and entire sections sung with tension (when the narrator first tried to climb up to the top of the lighthouse). I just really enjoyed this story, it kept me enthralled throughout. Worth the wait!

There's a few things just to keep an eye on, though. Really nitty gritty stuff, but it's the type of thing you should be working on now because you've got the basics (and not so basic) of writing down.

At times, your sentence structure can get a bit repetitive. Quite often you have a sentence which looks a bit like this, with two clauses. It's only really noticeable when an entire paragraph is made up of sentences like it; it just disrupts the flow. On a similar note, your one real action scene could have been punchier. Pete actually pulls me up on this a lot. When I get to action, my sentences tend to get longer (as did yours). But actually, action works better in short, abrupt sentences with an odd longer sentence thrown in.

Quite oddly, I find that you repeat certain words when describing things. “Slab of stone” and “plateau” kept making appearances. “Amethyst” was around a lot. The more unusual the word, the less it should be used. Otherwise, it starts to really stand out. I'm never quite sure where I stand on Orwell's use simple words, especially for speculative fiction, but sometimes I felt you were showing off just a little.

On the whole, though, these are little things. Just technical things to keep an eye on.

Oh, one final thing. As both of us tend to bloat out our short stories, I thought I would point this out: the whole climbing up the cliff was probably not necessary: well-written, but it could have been cut and probably helped the story a little bit.

But yeah, great stuff.



In the end, I'm giving this match to Sam. It wasn't just the best of the match, it's probably the best of the competition so far. You guys have all got something to try and beat now.