July 28th.

[J. Russell]

The briefest of poems,

is the song of war,

bringing shattered homes,

of soldiers no more.

In nineteen fourteen,

a Serb killed a Duke,

started as a fluke,

it was war again.

War to end all wars,

or, so they said but,

the blood and the guts,

they sang nevermore.

Back in sixty-five,

Johnson dispatched troops,

started as a fluke,
it was war again.

Fight communism,

searching for Charlie,

for capitalism,

supplied your Hueys.

War to save people,
or, so they said but,
from the broken men,
voices said, "Nevermore."

Humans never learn,

we see history,

and we like to say,

that we can discern,

what we've done wrong.

[Allya]

I like the irregular rhyme scheme because typically rhyming makes it easier for the reader to relax and absorb. By providing one and then changing it you upend that mental crutch which is good for a poem about war.

I'm not a fan of the punctuation, especially the 'or," part but in general I think this poem would flow better with less punctuation. Other than that I'm wondering who is speaking in this poem. It spans many wars and while it seems sad about the loss, it does not seem personally affected at all, only disappointed. Point being, be sure of which voice you're speaking in.

All in all, this has good bones but would benefit from a smoother flow and a more focused voice.

[J. Russell]

Jul 29, 2015 9:19:25 GMT -5 Allya said:

I like the irregular rhyme scheme because typically rhyming makes it easier for the reader to relax and absorb. By providing one and then changing it you upend that mental crutch which is good for a poem about war. 

Thanks. People usually hate when I do that. I'm not much of a poetry writer, but I really enjoy poetry. Typically, it's old stuff from Victorian or Romantic eras.

It spans many wars and while it seems sad about the loss, it does not seem personally affected at all, only disappointed. Point being, be sure of which voice you're speaking in.

EXACTLY. It's my own voice. It was mainly disappointed. I'll probably rework it so it has multiple voices. One per war, as it were.

This was really a rough draft that I did in the spur of the moment when I realized what day it was. I appreciate the feedback!