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Post by James on May 16, 2015 15:53:59 GMT -5
Deadline: Sunday, 24th May
We considered giving you a restriction as well, but the villanelle is quite a restrictive form anyway. So your poem can be about anything you like, as long as it is a villanelle. |
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Post by ASGetty ((Zovo)) on May 26, 2015 14:39:52 GMT -5
Children of Cain
Villainy thrives in blind seekers of pain
God’s chosen lust for seats of creation
Rage borne from the hexed legionnaires of Cain
The crescent breaks ‘pon the shores’ land in twain
Twice broke the sword ‘pon the hearts’ elation
Villainy thrives in blind seekers of pain
Death finds deceivers to serve the burnt plain
Fatherless scream, the motherless nation
Rage borne from the hexed legionnaires of Cain
Esau, not Jacob, strength already slain
Hate breeds barren lands, dark invocation
Villainy thrives in blind seekers of pain
Brother smites brother til both go insane
Cancer cursed kin, spread their false equation
Rage borne from the hexed legionnaires of Cain
Twin hammers strike the brittle sword in vain
Sick lands bereft bring painful occasion
Villainy thrives in blind seekers of pain
Rage borne from the hexed legionnaires of Cain
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Post by Kaez on May 26, 2015 21:30:57 GMT -5
I held his hand as he dreamt of quiet night.
I listened as he breathed soft cries, and
No more will I sit silent, instead I fight.
Mother, father nearby holding on too tight,
Internal scream, I brush hairs of golden strand.
I held his hand as he dreamt of quiet night.
But they scream for me instead, that flashing light,
rushing, pushing, alarm raised and offered hand.
No more will I sit silent, instead I fight.
Blue fingertips. Red lips. Flesh white.
To God I demand, I command.
I held his hand as he dreamt of quiet night.
Fourteen fourteen they write.
I can barely stand.
No more will I sit silent, instead I fight.
I can still hear the cries, it will never be right.
I will visit this memory again, and again, and…
I held his hand as he dreamt of quiet night,
No more will I sit silent, instead I fight. |
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Post by James on Jun 19, 2015 20:10:37 GMT -5
I've read these aloud multiple times, because that's where poetry really is.
Team Zovo
I read this out a few times, just trying to make it work. Because it is so close. We're inches away from their being a really nice flow as the reader says aloud the word. However, there's just a clunkiness at times that I can't quite smooth over as I read.
The second stanza, unfortunately, is where I struggled with most. I love repetition in poetry (heck, the form itself is all about the refrain) but I think the repetition of “'pon the” didn't help. It didn't flow brilliantly and aesthetically it looked ugly.
There were some great individual lines (“fatherless scream, the motherless nation”) and at times, the refrain really glued the piece together which was important. I think you bit off slightly more than you could chew with your 'B' rhyme ('creation', 'invocation', 'equation'). Then again, the final stanza was lovely so what do I know?
Overall, I thought this was a really decent attempt. But I'd like to have just had a slightly better flow to make it sound better when read aloud.
Team Kaez
I think this had a better flow than your competitor. You kept the word choice a lot simpler so it just read with slightly more ease. In poetry, I think that counts for a lot. Obviously, you want to challenge people, but you also don't want them stumbling over words and losing the “music” of the piece.
What I really adored about this poem, though, was the “beat” that it had by your use of punctuation or word choice. It took something simple and just brought it up a level. The four middle stanza all had that quality: mother, father; rushing, pushing, alarm raised; blue fingertips. Red lips. Flesh white; fourteen fourteen. All of those really brought a great flow to the poem.
In fact, my main complaint is that the final stanza was a let-down. The final stanza should bring everything together as the two refrain lines finally get to meet. Team Zovo's, despite a weaker middle, managed to do that excellently. I felt you struggled to bridge the first two lines of the last stanza with the last two lines. That 'and...' felt kind of lazy and just didn't flow.
So 90% great, 10% let-down. Good work, but it could have ended better.
The results don't really matter anymore since Team Kaez has dropped out to the extent that they can't win. However, I'm going to give the point to Team Kaez. It had a weaker ending than Team Zovo, but I felt that there was a greater command over the flow of the poem.
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Post by Matteo ((Taed)) on Jun 28, 2015 17:08:31 GMT -5
I've got no freaking idea how to critique poetry, other than calling out aesthetically pleasing lines. I can judge poetry. I'm going to do that in just a second. But poetry is a very gut thing for me, so unfortunately you aren't going to get any helpful analysis. I likes what I likes.
I also unfortunately made the mistake of reading James' review before I wrote my own, in an effort to look for some inspiration, so now all I can think of is what he said anyway. I agree with everything he said, though.
Basically, Team Zovo's story started stronger but wore thin by the end. Team Kaez' story was more consistent all the way through.
Point to Team Kaez
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