|
|
Post by Kaez on Jan 14, 2015 0:07:19 GMT -5
Comedy. While the other group is stuck with the scary stuff, I'm pretty sure for at least a few of you, that's just about the scariest word with which I could have begun this paragraph. There's nothing else like it. It stands in a field of its own, tricky, fickle, easy to fail at and devilishly tricky to master. Laughter, though – whether dark or absurd, clever or slapstick – is one of the most powerful responses that language can generate. The joy and sheer fun brought on by comedy attaches the reader to the story they're reading, inclines them toward the author, and urges them to read on.
Worldbuilding can sometimes seem rather serious. Let's do something about that.
Since this particular genre restriction is particularly out of your elements, I'm leaving the contents and style of the stories entirely up to you. No further restrictions whatsoever.
|
|
|
|
Post by Bloodeye the Bai Ze on Jan 26, 2015 20:54:00 GMT -5
The sun beat down on the street corner as the noonday traffic passed by without a care. An old woman plodded her way along the sidewalk to the corner, humming a happy song as she tapped her walker against the concrete almost in time. Her old eyes suffered at long ranges, even with glasses as thick as the bottom of a beer bottle. She squinted at the crossing guard standing at the other side of the street from her as he waved his red flag lazily.
“Excuse me dear,” she said in a mousey tone to the stranger standing next to her. “Could you help an old lady across the street, my dear. My poor knees aren’t what they used to be.”
“Hrrrghmmmfla.”
The creature standing next to her grumbled in a disapproving manner, his attempt at speech coming from deep inside his hefty rotund body and obstructed by a mustache of tentacles. It adjusted the bow tie tied around its thick neck and flattened the collar on the tweed dress suit it was wearing. Small, beady eyes looked down on the woman as it adjusted its bowler hat into a more dapper position.
“Oh… well… I see,” the woman replied sadly, trying not to stare the giant entity in the eye. “I’m sorry to bother you dear.”
She saw the crossing guard change his flag from red to green. Taking the precaution of looking both ways carefully, the old woman decided that she was safe to cross and stepped out into the street.
That was, however, a big mistake,
A car wheeled around the corner sharply and caught the old woman right in the headlight. The old lady was sent flying thru the air and landed perfectly in an inexplicably placed ambulance.
“Hey! Old lady! Ten points, Long!” a woman said as she flung her head out the passenger window. Her skin was a tinge of greenish-blue and pale. Small scales danced around the side of her face and hairline. She had her hair cut into a mohawk that dangled into a ponytail in the back. In her hand, she twirled a rather gnarly looking knife.
“Nellis,” the driver spoke with annoyance. “Just get the Governor. We don’t have all day.”
“Okay but I don’t see him. You sure you got the right street?” Nellis replied, slinging her knife back into its sheath.
“He’s right there!”
“Where!”
“There! Damn!”
Nellis looked up at the face of the huge creature now staring right back at her.
“Hrrmghaaghuma.”
Nellis grimaced and turned to Longhunter with a sigh.
“Is he behind the squid or something?
Longhunter sighed and got out of the car. He walked to the other side and opened the door, gesturing at the creature. “I’m sorry about that, sir. My partner isn’t exactly the brightest bulb out there.”
“Hrrmbalreghmm.”
“Yes… I know. But we’ll get you to that meeting on time and in one piece, sir”
The Governor squeezed its hefty body through the door, the squishy flesh sagging around the dimensions of the back seat of the car before finally rendering itself completely within the vehicle. Its body was like a fleshy wall of gurgling noises and small twitching eyes as Long got back into the driver’s seat. The whole time, Nellis had been watching the event of the creature getting into the car with a sense of awestruck horror. She just stared right back into those lazy, cow-like eyes with the sneaking suspicion that at any time this thing could rip this car in half and make a meal out of her vital organs.
There was an awkward silence in the car as the trio went down the road, save for the ominous breathing of the Governor in the back.
“Sooo… this is… terrible,” Nellis finally said. “Nothing like a big, creepy squid-thing in the back seat to put someone at ease. Whose idea was it to take this job anyway?”
“Yours,” Long replied. “And if memory serves me right, you practically begged me to go in on this because you needed a driver and the last time you drove anywhere, we wound up crashing into a Threck Army depot.”
“Pfft… we scored some nice gear from that little adventure.”
“After I got shot in the ass!”
“Details.”
Long glared at his partner, then started throttling the accelerator. “Nellis. Do you remember the first rule of getting in the car?”
“Um… no feet on the dash?”
“No. The first rule is always wear your seat belt.”
It was at that time Long proceeded to smash the brake pedal. The inertia of the sharp stop sent Nellis slamming into the glove compartment and compressing her into the floor of the passenger seat.
“Ah! Ah! Okay okay! Jeez your moody!” Nellis yelped as she tried to pull herself back out of her contortionist act.
“Hrrmmmmjoblahgh.”
“I don’t need any comments from you, Squidy!” she yelled at the Governor.
“Nellis stop. That’s the Governor of the Frelimen Concord, remember? You think once we get him to this delegation that he’ll just up and forget you calling him a squid?” Long droned.
“I don’t care! We’re a taxi service right now. Ever been in a taxi, Long? Insulting your fares is a free service.” Nellis rasped back at Long.
“Gorjon bitch.”
|
|
|
|
Post by Matteo ((Taed)) on Feb 17, 2015 11:01:01 GMT -5
James:
I really love the idea of G-Men befuddling their mark into forgetfulness. It's very, very, British, particularly when you compare it to something like the neuralyzer in Men in Black. I especially like how it starts off so mundane; they don't initially seem to be using magic or drugs or anything, they're just acting weird and confusing (the name swapping detail was best; that's seems like such a simple way to start weakening someone's memory of a situation)
I do think at times it was a bit too cute; that it was trying a bit too hard. The lump of cheese in the teacup, for example, could be a bit of an eyeroll moment. The kind of thing that could make you stop and go "What? Come on." However, the line about sipping his cheese was pretty great, so what do I know?
The beginning was wonky. You didn't need to start with a scene to explain that these are BSI guys. It all comes out in the end, and as it stands now it just makes for an awkward transition to talking about Stanley. There was also a bit when you started explaining the mind-wiping strategy where I thought you were being to hand-holdy, but I think you managed to just barely pull it off by making it less of a "here's an explanation for the reader" thing, and more of a "here's two assholes being infuriatingly patronizing" thing.
Bloodeye: ((Note: I was super hard on this, but I know you originally weren't going to write anything and ended up rushing it, so don't feel bad. Having said that, prepare to be reamed by my stream of consciousness))
This is VERY far away in tone from the first two entries
It should have been possible to write something comedic without resorting to this slapstick absurdism
Is this an American thing? You do it several times.
What ... happened to the old lady?
I already hate this Abbot and Costello bullshit
Wait, what? From the knife and the murder I assumed they were kidnapping the governor. They work for him?
Is this post Great Flight? This doesn't look very Western at all
Governors do not hire random mercenaries to drive them around
Consummate professional.
That's it!?
What actually happened in this story? It made no sense. It didn't fit with the rest of the worldbuilding in the slightest, even accounting for that fact that demanding comedy from this setting was always going to require a shift in tone.
I can definitely imagine a gritty comedy story where a pair of post-apocalyptic alien cowboys have to get an incomprehensible squid politician from point A to point B. This was not that story. The setting felt cosmopolitan, which made the presence of these two sociopaths escorting an important public figure all the more bizarre. Obviously you had to rush this piece, since it really doesn't go anywhere at all.
Winner: James
|
|
