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Post by Kaez on Jan 8, 2015 1:03:30 GMT -5
One of the most effective and interesting ways to introduce an audience to the cultural and social norms of your world is to depict those who defy it. Fringe groups and eclectic individuals, those repressed by government order or vanished from the radar to save their own skins – these offbeat, convention-breakers make for colorful characters, but they also do a great job of fleshing out a setting, allowing authors to seamlessly introduce political unrest, local histories, or cultural quirks.
Your topic is: HERETICS
Your restriction is: First person, from the perspective of multiple characters.
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Post by J.O.N ((Dragonwing)) on Jan 14, 2015 8:17:22 GMT -5
Y’ram is a city that is the physical representation of the Blessed Empire. It holds over fifty million human souls and covers just under ten thousand square kilometres. Like an urban jungle it stretches down and across the mighty Nahir River and stands out amongst the rolling hills of the Great Plains. For tourists and visiting dignitaries, it looks like a marvel of modern technology fused with thousands of years of vibrant architecture. Huge magnetic railroads twist around and in-between towering skyscrapers and ancient temples. During the day the sun makes the steel and glass buildings sparkle alongside the older marble buildings and at night the city awakes to a spectacular lightshow of advertisements and celebration.
That was only skin deep however. Once you peeled back the thin veneer of wonderment and glorification of the Empire, it is revealed for its true character, corruption and violence. On the ground level, hidden by the towering buildings the populace lives in fear of gangs and thugs. Behind closed doors and in politician’s private rooms, corruption oozes its way through the cracks of a crumbling system. Just like the Empire, Y’ram is a lightshow and a desperate attempt is upheld in an attempt to hide the decay. It is a fitting capital for a rotting empire.
My name is Rüya, my title is Inquisitor. I was born and raised in the Beyuk district; it sits between the river Nahir and one of its numerous tributaries. I was an only child and son, so my parents were fairly protective of me which I could only imagine was a constant nightmare in the Beyuk district. While it wasn’t as bad as the slums and docks, Beyuk was close enough to them that it had the third highest homicides, arsons, and muggings in the city. It was also the location of the old temple district, so it had the highest incident of heretics.
The Church of the Eternal Flame is the official religion of the Empire. It doesn’t look kindly on heretics or heathens. It is because of this that I am an Inquisitor. When you come from a hotbed of religious dissent your only chance of not being harassed was to throw yourself at the knees of the priests and beg them to allow you to fight for them. It came at a cost though, a literal arm and leg, and more.
I have undergone extensive cyberization, little of my original flesh and blood remains. Now my bones were made of an alloy and synthetic muscles rippled under synthetic flesh. My eyes have been gouged out and replaced, along with my spine. Even my brain has implants in it. The benefits were immense; I can out see, out manoeuvre and even out think ordinary humans. I can even quickly upload information by plugging into the net. It also allowed the priests to keep constant tabs on me; I have very little privacy other my own thoughts.
It was because of this that I found myself standing in rain in some trash ridden alley. I guess you could call it rain. It was more water that had been caught by the tops of buildings above them, filtered down through a few layers of dirt and industrial run off and let free to fall on the unfortunates below. I could physically feel it eat at my skin. I pulled by coat up around me a bit more; it was cheaper to replace that then pay for maintenance.
“Rüya! The security chief is here!”
The voice was of my partner, Aisha. Like me she was an Inquisitor, although she was a rookie.
Looking over by the street, I could see the red and blue lights of the security roll up; four cars in total. It wasn’t rare to see wheeled transport outside the wealthier districts, the lack of modern infrastructure made driving a magnetic vehicle impossible. Each car pulled up around the entrance to the alleyway, their lights distorted by the rain.
Stepping out of one of the cars, a man dressed in an armoured vest and standard blue pants and shirt made his way over to me. A less diplomatic person would probably comment on the fact that the man was probably far to portly to be leading the security forces from the front lines, I wasn’t raised like that and kept my mouth shut as I watched him struggle through the trash to get to me.
“Inquisitor, you got here early.” he said while already gasping for air.
“We make it a point to get to heretical crime scenes before anyone else.” I informed him.
I caught the chief eyeing my cigarette hanging in my hand.
“Why would some robot bother with smoking?” he asked, empathising the word robot. I just shrugged and flicked it aside into a puddle.
“He likes the taste, just like you and your pastries.”
Aisha had joined us and already she was showing her more rebellious side. I was amazed the priests hadn’t quashed that out of her. I imagine it was a huge part of her personality when younger. Just like me, she had gone through the cyberization ritual. In fact we both almost looked like twins because of it. The same fire red hair, although hers was longer and pulled back in a short ponytail; and we both had green eyes framed by an androgynous face. I imagined we looked threatening among the more common black haired people of the city, especially standing an almost seven foot.
- Police Chief
“What’s the situation? All we heard was that a body was found, ritual sacrifice.” I was ignoring the comment, I wasn’t going to let some robot on a leash try and make a fool of me. Even a seven foot tall one that could break me like a snack bar.
“Yeah, end of the alley, this way.” The male one said, taking the lead. Following him, I had two of my men come with us.
Being led past the rest of the trash we came to a grizzlier scene. The first thing to notice was blood that covered the ground and up the old brick walls of the buildings. The rain didn’t seem to be able to wash it away, as if it had dried like paint. Amongst the red lay a body, the chest ripped open and the ribs had been splayed out like an eagle. In the gory mess that was once the chest, was a mechanical burner, a flame still sizzling in the rain, fed by oil.
“Danyas tits!”
It was the only thing I could manage to say.
“Yeah, he was found like this by one of the restaurant kitchen hands. We checked the body and he’s been dead for a few hours.”
One of the men backed away and threw up into the trash pile behind us.
“We believe that it’s the act of the Black Flames.”
My attention snapped to the male Inquisitor, The Black Flames were bad news.
“The Black Flames? Well Shit, no wonder you guys got here so quickly.”
The Black Flames were classified as a heretical gang. Terrorist cell would probably be more fitting, but the government didn’t want give the illusion that they were bigger than some gangbangers. They most certainly were, but the government never let the truth get in the way of placating the masses.
“There’s more, we believe their leader, Alev, is here.”
My faced drained to white.
“Damn you to nothing! Then why are there only two inquisitors and ten officers here?!” I exclaimed, while I kept my voice low, the anger still made it come out in a harsh hiss.
“The Church doesn’t want anyone knowing that we know, or that he may be in the city. We are to treat this like a normal crime scene until the priests arrive here with the Eternal Flame and more Inquisitors.” The female one replied, having just put away her phone.
My men and I said nothing; we just looked at them with horror plastered on our faces. You shouldn’t question the reaction. The Eternal Flame was probably the greatest weapon the Church had. The priests described it as the soul of life, funny that all it brought was destruction and death. The Flame seemed to be some sort of entity that only listened to the priests of the Church. Once the priests released it, it would burn through anything they wished, it didn’t matter if the thing was made of flesh, steel or even water.
“So, we just stand here until they arrive?” Asked one of my men.
“That is the plan, don’t spook the heretics.”
We gave another nervous look before wondering off back to the other end of the alley to set up barricades around it. Things were getting fucked up and we had to get prepared for the worst.
- Aisha
Rüya took out another cigarette and lit it. Taking a puff he looked up into the buildings around us. Something was irking him. I think I knew what it was. Why did the Black Flame leave their calling card here, why get our attention. Also, Alev was no idiot gang leader. The Black Flame was probably the most successful terrorist organization in the Empire. They were planning something and we couldn’t work out what it was.
“Aisha, when those priests get here, they’re going to burn the entire street, aren’t they?” His voice echoed in my head, he was using our mental link.
“Hells yeah they will, we’ll be lucky if they don’t cook us with it.”
He narrowed his eyes.
“We need to find where their hideout is, they want us to react somehow to their presence.” He said, already stalking towards the building that looked down at the alley from across the road.
“I guess once again we are ignoring our orders of do nothing?” I said, with a coy smile. He ignored me.
The building before us was pretty non-descript. It was a multi-story grey block of steel, occasionally punctured by glass. The front door was old wood, probably been replaced hundreds of times of the decades. Behind us the officers watched nervously as we cracked the door open and looked inside. It was dark, but quite.
“This is stupid; there is no point in a two man raid on the hostile hideout.” I whispered peering around him.
“We aren’t trying to raid them; we just want them to react. Get them to show their loc-“
He never got to finish the reply. My eyes picked up a glint in the darkness and only had a fraction of a second to dive out of the way as a slug whirred past my head. I managed to drag Rüya down just in time. Before we even hit the ground all hell broke loose. The heretics had been waiting it seemed as now gunshots roared out from behind windows and down into the street.
Luckily for the security officers they had already cautiously began taking cover behind the barricades, but a few of the heretics still found their mark and the roar of the guns were punctured by screams of pain. Aisha and I were caught in the open as slugs rained around us. Two bullets hit my left arm and side, sending me spinning forward.
I managed to keep my feet and turning to face the building I drew my pistol and fired three shots in rapid succession. Unlike fully organic people, I was far more capable at processing information and controlling my movements, each bullet found a skull to bury itself into. Rüya was already ahead of me and as we stumbled away from the building we kept up the assault.
This managed to draw the gunfire away from the barricade long enough for some of the wounded to be dragged into cover. The bullet hail was too much for us through and our bodies were taking a heavy pounding. The cybernetics in our bodies desperately kept rerouting power and information through redundancies so as to minimize the damage but eventually we were forced to take cover with the rest of the officers.
“Where are the priests?!” I screamed over the suppression.
“They’re nearly here, call them and tell them the LZ is hot!” Rüya yelled back, taking a few pot shots at the building before taking cover again.
- Rüya
As Aisha pulled out her phone and began relaying the situation, the gunfire from the building stopped. They hadn’t moved or run from the hideout, which had me concerned. They knew they had been found out, so why were they staying. Silence reigned for a few seconds before a voice rang out over the street.
“The lackey’s of the Church show their true colours it seems.”
It was Alev, his booming voice was hard to miss.
“It doesn’t matter, let more people stay and witness the truth!”
Aisha nudged me and pointed up. Above us the ship was manoeuvring into a position above the building. It dawned on me what they were going to do. The priests were going to send the Flame down into the building like a lightning bolt. Yet, the heretics had to see them setting up.
“For too long the Church has held sway over us! For too long it has made the Empire dance on its strings as it manipulates us like puppets!”
Peeking around the edge of our cover, I saw Alev standing on top of the building. Dressed in a huge billowing coat, his face was hidden behind a scarf. He looked like a figure of desperation, but the air that seemed to surround screamed danger and change. He knew something we didn’t.
“Tonight! Tonight the Empire shall witness the true heirs of the Eternal Flame!”
Looking up at the drone and then to Alev something in my brain sparked and told me to run.
“No, no fucking way!” I swore under my breath. Turning to Aisha I grabbed her.
“We have to run!” I yelled attempting to drag her.
Confused she looked at me.
“We’ll be shot! The best place is in cover!” She yelled confused.
Looking at the officers and her with panic I screamed.
“Forget that! Run!”
As I managed to drag Aisha, the priests released the Flame. It came out roaring like a fiery serpent. Racing down from the drone, the air was set alight, the oxygen and other gasses fuelling it even brighter. It slammed down into the building, engulfing Alev and the Black Flame members. For one brief moment I thought I had been wrong and everything was okay. I wasn’t.
The Flame twisted and seemed to screech as it wrapped itself around the building. Something was wrong; it couldn’t seem to actually damage the building. Finally there was a triumphant roar and the serpent released the building and instead rushed back up towards the drone, tearing through it in nanoseconds. Nothing was left behind it. Hands raised, Alev stood beneath it, now fully in control of the Eternal Flame.
Behind me I heard the officers yelling in fear and rushing to where we were. They never made it. With a flick of his wrist the serpent descended upon us, scorching away the people in the street as Aisha and I dived for cover in one of the buildings. The flame still seared away my right leg and arm, leaving nothing but fire behind. Struggling to douse it I watched as Alev commanded the serpent into the city.
It screeched into the buildings, carving out steel foundations so that buildings collapsed on to it, as it lashed out, setting everything it touched on fire. Within minutes a fifth of the city was burning. Firefighting drones desperately raced down to douse the fire, to no affect. News drones buzzed around everywhere, relaying the scene and the Black Flames triumph across the Empire and beyond.
The Eternal Flame, our greatest weapon and the soul of our Church had been taken from us. In one commanding stroke, the Black Flame had lit the gunpowder of chaos and set the Empire aflame. |
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Post by Kaez on Jan 25, 2015 22:01:49 GMT -5
Aisha had joined us and already she was showing her more rebellious side. I was amazed the priests hadn’t quashed that out of her. I imagine it was a huge part of her personality when younger. Just like me, she had gone through the cyberization ritual. In fact we both almost looked like twins because of it. The same fire red hair, although hers was longer and pulled back in a short ponytail; and we both had green eyes framed by an androgynous face. I imagined we looked threatening among the more common black haired people of the city, especially standing an almost seven foot. This whole opening bit (quoted and before) was good. Definitely a noticeable improvement from the previous round -- I think first person may suit you better. Still, the first-person character sure does seem... very human for such a highly cybernetic being. Just some wording things, the way she thinks about things, they seem awfully... casual and human and almost petty. Your description of her doesn't match the way she's actually presented. Needs more logic, more intelligence, more coldness. Saying this stuff in first-person doesn't really... make sense. In third person, we'd see that happen. "His face drained to white." But with first-person, it's all about experiences, sensations, thoughts, feelings -- a color change? This could have been presented in a million successful ways to depict the sinking feeling he just got, but this is not one of them. Aghh! You already told me she can process information super fast -- now's your chance to SHOW me her doing that! Instead you just tell me again. You could've done an awesome slow-motion kind of thing here where her brain suddenly sees in clarity the tiniest details of movements and... instead you used the passive voice, "each bullet found". Where's the action or excitement in that? I suggest you try rewriting this paragraph. And make it no less than 500 words. Because this is such a big, epic thing happening at such a scale that you can go on about this -forever-. You should've been limiting yourself here, and instead you didn't say enough. Allow yourself some purple. Allow yourself some sentences that are just there for color and pop and to paint the world. Your writing has a really solid foundation, but it's like eating a dry salad with no dressing whatsoever. You've got to throw some raisins and some vinegrette into the mix here. Just take the time to read some fiction you really enjoy and read it carefully and meticulously. You'll notice a whole lot of color, adjectives, details, metaphors, similes, frivolities, subplots, little details there for no reason other than to flesh things out, make them more believable and vivid. And that kind of dressing is the one thing both this and the round 1 piece are missing. |
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