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Post by James on Sept 5, 2014 4:22:01 GMT -5
So... surprise. Taed and I both thought we would secretly surprise everyone by writing a script for the pilot of the podcast. This was, uh, not a joint venture. We both separately thought we would surprise everyone, including each other. SO DOUBLE SURPRISE, WE HAVE TWO SCRIPTS. Well... Taed has half a script, and I have one script but it's in a first draft, completely unedited form. But there's progress. That's the main thing. I think the best thing would be for everyone to read the two scripts and say what they like and what they didn't like, so we know where to work from. From there, we can merge the scripts together, include new ideas if anyone has any, rewrite and edit, and have a finished script. Good? Okay. Taed's script is attached as "Episode #1" and mine is attached as "The Script". Attachments:The Script.doc (50.5 KB)
Episode #1.docx (23.81 KB)
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Post by Matteo ((Taed)) on Sept 5, 2014 7:52:32 GMT -5
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Post by Matteo ((Taed)) on Oct 6, 2014 20:41:53 GMT -5
Okay, I went ahead and finished off my version of the episode, so at least we have two finished products to compare (although I'm cheating a bit, since mine has now had the benefit of being able to lift some of my favourite bits from Agro's script and tweak them to my own style). Personally, I really like most of the content in Agro's but I think there are some formatting concerns. For one thing, I love the roving reporter bit, but I think it would work better in a later episode. It doesn't work as well as an introductory piece compared to my suggestion of a historical retrospective. This also feeds into something that I've said a few times, which is that I think we should limit our use of multiple speakers. At least at first. I like the idea of trying it for one or two segments, but none of us have any audio editing experience, and I suspect we're going to discover that it's hard to make those bits sound good. One guy on one mic is way easier. I'm torn on the weather and traffic bits. On the one hand, I really like what you've got there. On the other, I think some of the weather and traffic blurbs we came up with in brainstorming were gold, and I'd like to work them in somehow. If we set the precedent of dedicated weather and traffic reporters now, it might be hard to ever work them in. Also, reading the other script I was struck with some artistic quibbles. I think I already have a really specific vision for the setting, and there were a few small details of word choice and whatnot that clashed for me. I jotted down my ideas as I was reading so you can see what I mean: That's about it .... I guess we need some outside feedback on the scripts now. I'll be honest: I like mine better, but then, that's to be expected. There are a few jokes in there that are just for me (Moon Unit Don van Vliet! XD I kill me. |
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Post by James on Oct 7, 2014 2:00:26 GMT -5
Yeah, I feel like your script is probably the stronger of the two. I'm happy to work from that one. A lot of mine was just spur of the moment, typing what came into my head so that we would have -something- to work off of.
I'm certainly happy with moving the "roving reporter" bit back until we figure out if we can make it work. Even if we can't, I'd like to recycle it into a longer news story (maybe with the roving reporter communicating through text with Chip?), I think it came out nice ("we're watching your back" is such a terrible line it makes me smirk every time). I really liked the history segment, though, and it does fit better for a Pilot, so it's a worthy replacement.
Traffic and weather, I guess, comes back to the same issue. It might be something we can look at long-term if this can get off the ground.
I was going to defend the Time Temporal Bracelet thing to the death (with amendments), but then I saw you still included it and I love what you did to make it fit, so no complaints there.
The only few minor things I've noticed is:
- Should they know how long it will take to reach Terra Nova? I really like the idea that they're not entirely sure. Maybe they knew, but then someone spilt coffee over the paper with the tally marks, and we had to throw it away, and now we're not really sure, so maybe it's 1,400 years, maybe it's 14,000 years, who knows, but we'll definitely all be dead. In fact, on that note, maybe make it so they're not even that sure if this is Launch Day millennial celebrations. They're ignorant enough about Michael Jackson and the role of dogs, would they be sure exactly how long they've been flying?
- I'm willing to be shot down here by others, but I'm not sure the calendar and Rudy bit works as a follow-up segment. Potentially, it could be turned into a protest about misplaced millennial celebrations that everyone knows was actually last October (which no longer exists), Chip, and this is just like the time you confused French Fidelity Day with Valentine's Day and Rudy's marriage is still not looking too pretty, Chip.
- Similar to your stylistic/artistic points, should Chip still be receiving texts? "I’ve just been texted an alert that the number three transit line is back up..."
- Your science interview is vastly better than mine but I really want to include some variation of the the line: "Oh, Chip. You know I prefer to leave that questions to the philosophers. The distance to Terra Nova is more of a thought exercise than science, as I have explained before" and I think it could fit in nicely with yours. Though disregard if we are going to set a firm distance.
Overall, I really liked what you did, though. Quite happy to drop mine and use yours as the launch pad to work off of, since bits have already been incorporated into yours.
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Post by Matteo ((Taed)) on Oct 7, 2014 7:17:56 GMT -5
I'm certainly happy with moving the "roving reporter" bit back until we figure out if we can make it work. Even if we can't, I'd like to recycle it into a longer news story (maybe with the roving reporter communicating through text with Chip?), I think it came out nice ("we're watching your back" is such a terrible line it makes me smirk every time) We should make an effort to keep an eye on our portrayal of human/robot relations. We're all over the map right now. There's your commercial about humans working as maids for robots (loved that one as well, btw) and then there's your segments on robot uprisings, and your line about robot recycling. I had lines about robots wiping the floor with humans in wars and sporting events, and about the human-robot unity concert, but I also mentioned the robot ghetto. I don't think it's a problem yet at all, but it just stands out to me as something we should pay attention to. Oh yeah, I loved the body of that ad. "The space prom," and the bit where Leonard Joyce steps in during your wedding and marries her instead made me laugh out loud. I could go either way. I don't think their community has completely regressed, scientifically, because we're going to see lots of mad science going on (Dr. Nefario can transmute hands into spatulas! He must know some math.), but on the other hand, this is exactly the sort of thing that I could see them losing at some point. Frankly I don't think it will come up much. Functionally, the number just has to be "long enough." I only wanted a specific figure for that joke in the intro. I really liked that bit, but I also won't plant my flag over Dr. Rudy Gillespie  It was just something that popped into my head and made me laugh a lot. If it needs to get cut, I will sadly let it go. We could definitely come up with some new slang for that. I guess I was just thinking, what else do you logically call a message that arrives by text? In my head, Chip probably doesn't have brain implants because he grew up on the mean streets of the Pirate Moons, so the message is just arriving on a compad or something. If we don't like "texted" we could make it innocuous by just using the word "sent," or we could go high concept by making it a psychic ping or something. Yeah, that fits well. Some point after the lines about gravity and black holes, when it's becoming obvious that Silas is a hack. |
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The Pilot
Oct 7, 2014 10:01:37 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by Matteo ((Taed)) on Oct 7, 2014 10:01:37 GMT -5
Oh man, I have an idea for at least two long running plots. As the Ship approaches a planetary system we have to have space pirate attacks increase, because they want to take down the black hole core and free themselves from the gravity well. Meanwhile, we have to talk about Ship becoming mysteriously sick, with nobody knowing why. Then at the end of both we find out that Ship is pregnant, and the Pirates are given its baby to find their own way.
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Post by ASGetty ((Zovo)) on Oct 7, 2014 15:49:24 GMT -5
Couple of quick thoughts...
First; if you change it to United Bridge Club, it can still sound self important while actually being a bunch of old codgers playing bridge on the Bridge.
Second; how about instead of a millennial celebration of "Launch Day" the people are celebrating "Terra Nova Day" (ie: the end of the journey). Everyone is all psyched up about finally arriving at their destination after X-thousand years, they do a little history recap "for those just coming out of Cryosleep, here's what you missed!" and it isn't until the end of the podcast that it's revealed that "some astute observers on the Observation deck, might notice that Terra Nova is nowhere in sight. Sadly, there may or may not have been a misplaced decimal point in the [sci-fi time thing]. New estimates say we should be arriving at Terra nova well after we're all dead. Sorry. Tune in next week..."
Having the whole pod-cast end in ironic disappointment sets the stage for future civil unrest and such.
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Post by ASGetty ((Zovo)) on Oct 7, 2014 15:54:05 GMT -5
Also, The Event could -be- the creation of the Black Hole Drive.
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Post by Matteo ((Taed)) on Oct 7, 2014 22:27:44 GMT -5
First; if you change it to United Bridge Club, it can still sound self important while actually being a bunch of old codgers playing bridge on the Bridge. I love that. Second; how about instead of a millennial celebration of "Launch Day" the people are celebrating "Terra Nova Day" (ie: the end of the journey). Everyone is all psyched up about finally arriving at their destination after X-thousand years, they do a little history recap "for those just coming out of Cryosleep, here's what you missed!" and it isn't until the end of the podcast that it's revealed that "some astute observers on the Observation deck, might notice that Terra Nova is nowhere in sight. Sadly, there may or may not have been a misplaced decimal point in the [sci-fi time thing]. New estimates say we should be arriving at Terra nova well after we're all dead. Sorry. Tune in next week..." Having the whole pod-cast end in ironic disappointment sets the stage for future civil unrest and such. I don't know. I think that would be kind of soul destroying, don't you? I think a lot of our comedy right now comes from the fact that the crew are settled into their role as intermediaries. It also muddies the brand a little bit. Assuming we want a broad selection of listeners, you have to assume that not all of them will be immediately familiar with a generation ship. If we set the podcast up as "this great journey is about to end," and then turn the tables in the last few minutes, it might throw things off. Also, The Event could -be- the creation of the Black Hole Drive. I looove that. |
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Sensar
Author
Homonecropedopheliac and Legal Property of AWR
Posts: 6,898
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Post by Sensar on Oct 7, 2014 23:37:02 GMT -5
So I took a gander at Taed's, since that seems to be the consensus. From my initial reading, I think it's pretty strong as it is. But very biased towards the story-background that this forum thrives in. I don't have much input on the world that's being built, but looking at it from the perspective of an actor/storyteller reading the script, a few things need work:
-- The general language of the reporter is a little vague. He's poetic in the opening, straightforward in the news, a professor in the history section, and a bit of a buffoon in the interview. I'm not trying to say that he should sound the same the whole way through, but there needs to be a stronger personal voice that binds these different aspects of him together. It might be different if our principal engagement was the people he was interviewing, but most of it is him reporting.
-- The news reports and the advertisements are the clearest to understand, and the most fun to read. The others still feel a bit stilted. The history section in particular feels like an exposition dump more than a report--I feel like I'm reading a novel, not listening to someone talk. The opening and interview have flashes of this as well.
-- The transitions have a tendency to feel odd.
-- The commercials should probably be clumped in only one or two spots, since I'd estimate that, as is, this would only run about twenty minutes. To have several different breaks kills the flow and emphasizes how short each section is.
This is definitely a work where the adage "read it aloud" comes to mind. Actually, if I can find a nice, quiet space (and some free time), I can try and give a few of things a reading for you guys if you like, just so you can hear it in somebody else's voice.
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Post by James on Oct 8, 2014 1:27:18 GMT -5
Second; how about instead of a millennial celebration of "Launch Day" the people are celebrating "Terra Nova Day" (ie: the end of the journey). Everyone is all psyched up about finally arriving at their destination after X-thousand years, they do a little history recap "for those just coming out of Cryosleep, here's what you missed!" and it isn't until the end of the podcast that it's revealed that "some astute observers on the Observation deck, might notice that Terra Nova is nowhere in sight. Sadly, there may or may not have been a misplaced decimal point in the [sci-fi time thing]. New estimates say we should be arriving at Terra nova well after we're all dead. Sorry. Tune in next week..." Having the whole pod-cast end in ironic disappointment sets the stage for future civil unrest and such. I don't know. I think that would be kind of soul destroying, don't you? I think a lot of our comedy right now comes from the fact that the crew are settled into their role as intermediaries. It also muddies the brand a little bit. Assuming we want a broad selection of listeners, you have to assume that not all of them will be immediately familiar with a generation ship. If we set the podcast up as "this great journey is about to end," and then turn the tables in the last few minutes, it might throw things off. I agree. I definitely like the vibe that there's an acceptance there's no chance of personally reaching Terra Nova. But I might be biased because that was a vibe I had right back from the initial idea. However, to have that disappointment as the set-up, -massively- changes the entire feel of the show. I think it almost overpowers the story. The story is no longer about the every day life of the generation ship; it's about how people react to such a moment. Which is a great story to be told, but I don't think it's what we initially had in mind, nor a story that entirely fits the comedy-vibe of the show. And thanks for the input, Sensar! It would be great to hear some of it read aloud! I like having two bunch of commercials. I think we're aiming for 30 minutes (with commercials at roughly 10 and 20) so we may have to look at buffing it out a little if you think it's only going to reach 20. I also think what you said about the history section is important. It does have the potential to end up sounding like a lectured infodump. Potentially, we could break it down into smaller segments across the show, "and now back to the history of our little story", to hide the more narrative like quality of it. |
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Post by ASGetty ((Zovo)) on Oct 8, 2014 14:31:55 GMT -5
Yeah, I see where you're coming from in regards to changing the tone of the whole thing.
I imagined the bad news just being dropped in a really nonchalant, matter-of-fact sort of way and then essentially disregarded and it was funny in my head.
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Post by J.O.N ((Dragonwing)) on Oct 25, 2014 11:01:03 GMT -5
I need to find an online or downloadable version of the Beyond Earth Civilopedia, it has a ton of stuff you guys to use for this.
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Post by James on Oct 25, 2014 17:30:44 GMT -5
I need to find an online or downloadable version of the Beyond Earth Civilopedia, it has a ton of stuff you guys to use for this. At this point, we're not lacking for material. We're lacking participants, otherwise this will just become the Taed & Agro Show. |
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Post by Matteo ((Taed)) on Oct 25, 2014 17:44:02 GMT -5
I need to find an online or downloadable version of the Beyond Earth Civilopedia, it has a ton of stuff you guys to use for this. At this point, we're not lacking for material. We're lacking participants, otherwise this will just become the Taed & Agro Show. I was going to try recording a little this week as a test. I think I'm going to rework the script a tad more (Sensar was right about Chip's voice being all over the map), but in the meantime I'm curious to see what it will sound like. Hopefully my mic is good enough. |
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It was just something that popped into my head and made me laugh a lot. If it needs to get cut, I will sadly let it go.
