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Post by James on Jul 14, 2014 5:12:24 GMT -5
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Post by Injin on Jul 18, 2014 18:07:11 GMT -5
Ah yes, the splendors of nature's new life
A nasal catastrophe, my nose red
and inflamed and angry, partially dead
A time of allergic anger, smelt strife
my nose runs like man from a flying knife
or Crane from a rider without a head
Pained sneezes seizing life, no smell unsaid
Watery eyes, this season's full of dread
Anti-histamines help me start to breathe
The meds clear away the painful feeling
No more running, no need for angst dealing
Spring has come, spring is here, spring is now clear
No longer need I to struggle and seethe
My nose and I survive another year
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Inkdrinker
Scribe
Sepulcher: a stage enlived by ghosts.
Posts: 908
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Post by Inkdrinker on Jul 23, 2014 1:18:29 GMT -5
The dying throes of winter echo through
My mind a frozen wasteland of despair
I breath deep of the frigid twilight air
It clears my head, but we cannot undo
The things we did waiting for spring's debut
Truly a most despicable affair
Regretfully, for you I did forswear
All my beliefs you deemed to be untrue
My mind begins to thaw, to grow, to bloom
Shake off old frost, done with whiskey sour
And now I know things are on the upswing
In youthful sun I cast off old costume
Walking, my eye is caught by a flower
The first sign of a most awaited spring
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Post by James on Jul 26, 2014 5:36:41 GMT -5
Injin:
First of all, well done on a good Petrarchan structure. You got the form down well.
Sonnets are things usually of beauty or weighty matters. And you don't have the best track record on humour. But I actually really liked this. Using a sonnet to discuss hay-fever in Spring was just a really great idea and more importantly, you made it work. Even better, you managed to use the octave to introduce a problem and the sestet to solve it. You really used the form well.
On the whole, you had a good flow. I think you should just make sure to read the poem aloud to make sure you can pick up on any niggles. For instance, the third line had a great rhythm to it, however the second line was too sudden and clunky. It's just those types of things you want to keep an eye on. Similarily the fourth line of the sestet is a syllable or two too long and you don't notice that until you say it outloud.
However, I thought you did a good job. Well done.
Inkdrinker:
Like Injin, well done on getting the structure right. You also managed to get use the octave and the sestet in the traditional way, well done.
I liked the subject matter. At first I thought the heavy use of winter actually cheated the topic a little, but the constant imagery of winter slowly cracking to fall away to leave spring was actually really well-worked.
The problem is that the poem is stunted. It's really unsatisfying in an almost musical sense. Each line is so full of sounds that the rhyme is several seconds late, if that makes sense. There's almost a Puttin' on the Ritz delay of the satisfaction of having the rhyme closed off. But you don't quite get it. Instead, it comes off clunky. It reads like someone is pushing a triangle block through a circular hole.
So, a good try, but not quite there. You had a good poem to tell but it didn't come out sounding right.
Going to give this to Injin. It was a ridiculous topic for a poem and it worked. It also just flowed a little better and was more satisfying.
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