Round 5 - This is a Blurb (Ref v Kaez)

[ASGetty ((Zovo))]

Write a story based on the following blurb/synopsis:

For a kid like Kevin Blaire, high school was a breeze. Captain of the best high school football team in the state; there was a full ride scholarship with his name on it. Handsome and charismatic, dating the head cheerleader, prom king, cool car. . . And better yet, everyone loved him.

At least he thought they did. That realization came to a abrupt end the morning he didn’t wake up. Yes, high school was a breeze for a kid like Kevin Blaire. Right up until the day he was murdered.

Now he’s a ghost, trapped in high school forever and his girlfriend Sadie is obsessed with finding out who killed him. If only he could find a way to solve the mystery of who brought his story to a tragic end and help Sadie move on. Maybe then he could finally take that full ride scholarship to the other side.

[Jenny (Reffy)]

An Ambulance whizzed down the road, sirens blaring. It was closely followed by two police cars going at some speed. The treads of the tires kicked up lazy puddles that had formed overnight; the rain showed no sign of abating. Far away the rumble of thunder continued enjoying the sounds of it's own voice. It was nearly morning but the clouds kept it closer to night-time. The sun was on holiday and wasn't coming back any-time soon.

They all stopped, in an arrayed semi-circle, around one house in the street. It wasn't the most decorated house in the road but was slightly higher than middle class. The front yard had a nice lawn and a swing seat and a huge maple tree that was creaking in the wind.

The ambulance crew were out quickly carrying heavy bags. The police followed, guns not drawn. They all entered the building, talking to a concerned old man who had dampness around his eyes, before storming up the stairs.

The room they entered was probably a typical teenagers room. On each available wall space was posters of famous football stars interspersed with a female model on the beach. One part of the room was taken up with a computer and several game stations, along with a stack tall of games. The other part had an unmade bed with socks tucked in the crevasses. Just beneath the bed was an empty pizza box and a few discarded wrappers.

It would have been quite an ordinary bedroom if there wasn't a dead body in the middle of the floor. Kevin Blaire. His eyes were open but dull and there was foam around his mouth. He'd obviously been sick because there was a stain and soggy lumps on the floor and part of the bed.

The heavy high-vis bags were placed on the floor and opened with speedy accuracy. One of the ambulance crew grabbed a resuscitation mask and pump. The other injected something in to a limp arm.

The old man was lead away from the scene by the police who took notes.

[BREAK]

"I just," Sadie sobbed in to a handful of tissues, "can't believe he'd dead."

"Do you know of anybody who had a grudge against Kevin?" The policewoman was taking notes in a little book.

The meeting had been set up in the high-school. The police were taking statements from all of Kevin's friends to find out what had happened. It was going to be a long day; especially with these uncomfortable plastic seats. Kevin had more friends than a football stadium could hold, so they started with his girlfriend first, having already talked to all of his close family.

"No. He was everybody's friend. Nobody would have a reason to attack him." She sounded adamant but the empty classroom stole their voices and echoed it back awkwardly. The white board behind the policewoman's head was still covered in notes from the previous class.

"How long did you date?" The pen was bounced a few times on the table while she'd tried to figure out what questions to ask.

"Five years next week," she pushed an errant strand of blonde hair back behind her ear. She was stunning with big green eyes and long blonde hair. There wasn't a skin imperfection on her face, save the one small freckle which rested just above her lip-line. Everything was trimmed and exactly just so. It had to be as head cheer-leader. She was wearing the football shirt that Kevin had given her last year.

A noise from behind the teacher's desk made both of them jump. It sounded like the scratch of a chair on vinyl but it was quick and only for a fraction of a second. It was quickly written off to be nothing. The school was probably the oldest building in the city save the hospital. It was understandable if it creaked and groaned occasionally.

"And during this time there was nothing questionable? No arguments or something that could have put somebody's back out?" It was obvious she was digging, searching for anything.

"No. Sorry. Wish I could be more helpful. I want to find out who did it. I want to help!" The tears started again. Sadie wasn't used to this feeling of helplessness. She'd always been able to solve anything. She was the pillar of her friends and the one people turned to. Now she had a problem and there was nobody for her. The other girls had flocked around to help but it wasn't her beau. It wasn't Kevin.

The squeak happened again. Sadie looked this time. On the whiteboard was a large number six in shaky writing. The rest of the writing, from the previous class, had disappeared.

"What the …?" She was up quickly, her own chair duplicating the squeal sound as it scratched it's way across the shiny floor.

The policewoman, not expecting the sudden movement, also got to her feet. "What is it?"

"The whiteboard. Look," she pointed, eyes as wide as saucers. Her arm was shaking and the blood had drained from her face and neck.

"Six?" Confused the policewoman looked back to Sadie. "Does that mean something to you?"

"Kevin. He always argued that we'd dated for a six years. It was a … a thing. He always put one year on top of my number."

Not convinced the policewoman sat down again. She'd figured it was probably just the scribblings from the last lesson and Sadie was seeing things that weren't there. "Is there anybody who would be trying to get at you or his family? Any rivals or enemies?" she sounded really bored and droll.

"There was one but he couldn't," she sounded unsure. The whiteboard was changing again. The marker-pen was moving. It was sketching out a giant tick and writing a formula for a poison. "But he couldn't."

"Go on," sensing a possible clue the policewoman was now a lot more keen.

"Philip Guile. He's the dorky kid from chemistry. He's sent me a valentines card every year, and put chocolates through my front door, and always gets me flowers for my birthday. It used to irritate Kevin but he kept on doing it any way. He was heartbroken when I got with Kevin. He said he'd get me in the end but I just laughed it off. He's not even my type. He's got glasses and greasy hair and no muscles." It was like a flood gate had been opened.

"Is he at this school?"

"He's probably in the lab right now or the library hanging out with the nerds," she was flippant. "Thing is, he couldn't. He's not that kind. He couldn't hurt a fly."

"I can't comment, Sadie. We'll need to question him. Thank you for your statement. If we need we'll call you back. Go on to your lessons for now." The policewoman gave her a broad and reassuring smile that revealed a lot of teeth. She had kind brown eyes and lots of creases around that showed she was usually quite happy.

As Sadie got up to go to the lessons she checked the whiteboard one more time. There was a small "X" on the board and nothing more. She couldn't be sure now whether or not she'd seen him but he had definitely been there. His side-swept dirty blonde hair and thick eyebrows with the same cheeky smile and broad shoulders.

[Kaez]

“Ay yo Kevin!”s and “Kevin! My main man! K-to-the-E-to-the-VIN, what’s up what’s up!”s echoed down the black-and-orange hallways and trophy cases of Central Highschool. Kevin’s top-shelf basketball sneakers strode long, casual strides across the orange tile and his neat, pink polo shirt advertised his effortless masculinity. Every student at their locker seemed to get slightly shorter when Kevin walked past with his sly smirk, drooped eyes, Bill Clinton-kind of look that tied together the whole Kevin package. It was the type of package every girl from the flat-chested Mom-dressed freshman to the Barbie doll tequila-scented seniors got all hot and bothered just thinking about. And oh, did they ever think about him.

Everyone thought about Kevin. The teachers thought about him, the lunchladies thought about it. Even the janitors seemed to be aware that within these walls, Kevin’s status bordered that of a mob boss. Say the wrong thing, make the wrong move, insult the Don and you’re going to get what’s coming to you. An egged house, a jello’d stapler, a few kids will down some Syrup of Ipecac and aim for the janitors’ closet. None of this was beyond his control and it didn’t take much effort on his part to make it happen. Nothing too much effort for Kevin all of his life. Things had a way of just… falling into place.

Friday nights after school let out, though? That was when the Kev-man really shined. Quarterback for the Central Tigers, the reigning state champs and, more importantly, coolest brand of leather-armed initial jackets this side of the border. Most of the football team wore their jackets every day – instant status symbols anywhere in town – but not Kevin. Nothing that Kevin did was like what even the next-coolest kids did. As soon as they adopted his styles, they were ridiculed into embarrassment or Kevin’s styles changed. Most boys wore blue, he wore pink. Guys had diamond earrings, he had a silver chain necklace. He was uncatchable, un-imitatable. An enigma of Central High, dreamy in ways that even moistened the braless grunge girls.

And the best part was that it had no sign of stopping. Hell, it was just getting started.

Kevin’s ability to flawlessly pass for an average of 17 yards a play whilst keeping his not-exactly-brown-but-definitely-not-blonde-Tina-says-it’s-like-the-Sand-in-Bermuda hair perfectly parted and slicked made him the posterchild for any college team. And the scholarships just piled up. A 6’2” state-champ charismatic, handsome quarterbacks had a limitless future ahead of them. Alabama, Penn State, Oregon, Notre Dame – all lined up to beg for a new pretty boy. Make the ESPN headlines and bring in that donor money. Throw Kevin the keys to a new Corvette under the table. Next stop: fortune and fame.

The world was Kevin’s playground, and nobody knew that more than Sadie Fletcher. Prom Queen to Kevin’s Prom King, only four-year captain of the cheerleading squad in Central history thank-you-very-much, and well established ideal body type for every single two-X chromosome body in the building. Sadie’s makeup was flawlessly executed. Her hairstyles were like tactical nuclear weapons: perfect and devastating. She had single purses that extended the budget of most girls’ entire closets. Even her eyebrows were revered as being almost supernatural. There was a rumor that the Wiccan girl sacrificed her pet hamster to have Sadie’s brows. She never coughed, never sneezed, never burped, never hiccupped.

And Sadie knew exactly what her life would be like with Kevin. Every time she climbed into his candy-apple red convertible Mustang, every time she stroked his Bermudan hair, every time she watched the local news reporters zoom their cameras in on his sparkling white smile, she felt that tingle. Heard the distant clatter of cash registers opening. Saw visions of Chase Black cards dancing in her head. And she was smitten with him. Smitten and in love with every last detail of Kevin. She loved the way every other girl wanted what him for herself. She dressed up for all his family dinners, sat beside him for all the photoshoots at the football banquets, laughed at all of his jokes.

And so there was no wonder that on the day Kevin was murdered, she thought it was just classic Kevin with another classic gag. He was so funny, this was so funny, oh my gosh. No big deal, text “LOL”, reminisce at lunch about that hi-larious thing Kevin did earlier. Another day of the beautiful life.

When 8am Calc rolled around, there was no Kevin to be found. Sleeping in, probably. He’d stroll in at 9:15 for Geography and nobody would say a word about it. Kevin could do things like that. But Geography came and went with no Kevin in sight. Then History. Then English. No Kevin.

Sadie sent a light-hearted kind of text. “LOL where R U???” No response. Sadie spent the last class of the day disheveled and anxious. Where was he? This was so unlike him.

3 o’clock came around and the final bell rang, the schoolbusses packed full of hormones and shipped out to the public. But Kevin’s Mustang wasn’t there. Sadie collapsed on her bed afterschool, confused and suddenly very lonely. Something was seriously not-cool here. It wasn’t handsomely, fashionably chill to just disappear. This was not Kevin-like behavior.

Sadie’s mother called her into the living room for the 6 o’clock news. “A local boy, brutally murdered in his own home last night. Police don’t currently have any suspects and are not revealing the minor’s name to protect his family. An investigation is currently underway. In other news, solar power…”

“OH MY GOD.”

They didn’t say the name. They didn’t even show his house. But Sadie knew. Sadie knew exactly what had happened. And soon the word would spread around school and Kevin would just be… gone. No scholarships, no charming smile, no muscular arm to hang on…

Sadie’s life, she was realizing, was built on Kevin’s shoulders. Her ambitions revolved around him. Her interests and expectations and plans all required a Kevin. And suddenly there wasn’t a Kevin. Could it be real? Could this really be happening?

The next week was surreal. Her mom made all her favorite dishes, but Sadie didn’t eat. She attended all of her classes, but just stared off in a daze. She would come home and fall onto her bed, confused, shocked, broken. Visions of Kevin walking into class, walking into her room, greeting her with a casual “Hey” constantly tormented her. It seemed like any second he would show up. She saw him in the mirror, in the clouds, in shopping malls and restaurants. Kevin sat down at the corner bistro. Kevin checked out in front of her at the grocery story. Kevin. Kevin. Kevin.

He was everywhere and… nowhere.

Who would do that? Why would anyone do that? What motive could anyone have to end such a perfect, perfect thing? To ruin her life?

The police had interviewed teachers and students and found no leads, nothing credible. Sadie dwelled on it. It haunted her. If only she could just… resolve it. If she could understand what happened to Kevin, maybe she could finally understand how to move on from him. How to live a Sadie-centric life. For once.

Six days after Kevin stopped showing up for school, they had a funeral for him. Sadie couldn’t bring herself to go. She sat in her room, curled in a ball in the corner, crying, sleepless, restless.

“Hey, Sadie.”

She could hear his voice inside her head, exactly and perfectly, like he was standing right next to her.

“I’m standing right next to you.”

She needed sleep. She needed rest; rest from this crazy nightmare.

“You should probably sleep.”

Sadie’s eyes bolted open. There was Kevin. In the flesh, standing there, pink polo shirt, sparkling plastic Nikes, chain necklace, bright smile, swept hair.

“Kevin?”

He smiled at her. “Chill, babe. Get some sleep, you look… eh, tired.”

Her heart raced. Oh god, she needed sleep. Was this real? Was this Kevin? What about…?

He laughed Kevin’s laugh. Her favorite laugh. “Being a ghost is totally not a bad gig, babe. Like, don’t even worry about it. It’s all cool. Get some sleep and stop being all, like, sad and shit.”

Sadie was frozen. Her eyes were pooled with tears. Her life had been flipped on its head and now she was hallucinating. What a week. What a crazy, messed up, twisted week. “But,” she mumbled through quivering lips. “What happened to you? Why… who did this?”

Kevin turned toward her door and opened it, the long hallway extending out behind him. “What does any of that matter? Just be chill, Sadie. Everything works out eventually if you just, like, don’t make it a big deal or whatever.”

And like that, he was gone.

Within a few seconds, Sadie was overcome with irresistible exhaustion and fell asleep.

Kevin really was gone, and he never came back again. The hallucinations stopped. She started sleeping and eating again. Started taking notes, paying attention. Went back to cheerleading practice. And though she walked the hallways alone now, and though all her plans for the future had to be revised, Sadie was distinctly okay. She was a little calmer, a little cooler, a little less prone to pettiness and arguments.

Her strides loosened, long and casual. Her demeanor unwound. She was chill and relaxed and, though Kevin was gone, Sadie was totally cool. She let things happen however they happened. And everything worked out, eventually, when she didn’t make it a big deal. Or whatever.

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Ref’s Review:

Didn’t really know what to do with this one, did you? There isn’t a lot to review since it feels rushed and unfinished. I can see where you based it on the blurb, that worked well enough even if parts did basically just parrot back to me what I had written, but otherwise that part was fine. Just felt like you could have done more with it, it could have been creepier, it needed atmosphere. There was a lot of, “This happened. Then that happened. Then this other thing.”

I just lacked imagination, I think. It felt like you just wrote something just so you had written something. Like you’d hated the topic, but wanted to make sure you’d written something in case your opponent didn’t. You can do better, I wish you had.

Kaez’s Review:

I’m glad that you were able to pick up on the exaggerated tone of the blurb and carry that through the whole story. There’s was a little bit in the middle that started getting a little bit heavy and I started to worry, but then it picked back up and finished strong. I love the idea of Kevin, the kid who breezed through life, being murdered and then just totally breezing through the afterlife, like it ain’t no thang.

There’s isn’t a whole lot to say about this other than I think taking the Dark-Comedy route was a wise choice because even when writing the blurb I couldn’t take the idea of the whole genre seriously. It’s just ridiculous and I kind of just wanted to see what you guys would do with it.

That’s not to detract from Ref’s efforts, I think it could have been turned into a serious and creepy story; all the elements were there. But making it ironic and satirical was really the way I felt like it needed to be. Little insight, I’d just finished watching the last half of “Heathers” when I wrote the blurb… So that’s about the mindset I was shooting for and I think you nailed it. I saw you said that you had fun writing it and in reading it I can completely see why.

Giving this round to Kaez.