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Post by James on Jul 1, 2014 13:35:49 GMT -5
The style is Flash Fiction
The word limit is 500 words
Topic: Halloween
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Post by JMDavis ((Silver)) on Jul 3, 2014 17:32:43 GMT -5
Ding dong.
“Trick or treat!”
Ding dong.
“Trick or treat!”
He shut the door with a smile as the last kids ran off, laughing and giggling. There was still a handful of candy in the bowl – but it looked as if the night was done. He stepped outside, blew out the candle in the jack-o-lantern, shut his front door and turned out the light. He walked into the living room, hit the play button on his remote and
Ding dong.
He glanced at the door, sighing and pausing the movie. He was still smiling, though, remembering the days he was a kid and how much fun he had.
Ding dong.
“I’m coming!” he called, picking up the bowl and opening his door.
No one was there.
He frowned, glancing around. He couldn’t hear anything. Shrugging, he shut the door once more and set the bowl aside. He reached the couch
Ding dong.
He glanced sharply at the door, “Coming.” He called again, walking toward the door and picking up the bowl of candy. Opening the door and finding no one there again he cursed, “Ha ha, very funny. Well, I’m not answering the door again!” He walked inside and slammed the door shut.
The lights were out in his living room. The television was glowing a crackling, static-filled white. The bowl fell from nerveless fingers, scattering candy across the floor. “Is… is someone there?” he asks hesitantly, voice pitched high. He fumbled around, retrieving the lamp from beside the table and carrying it with him as he entered the living room.
The television still crackled with static before going pure white. Then a voice began to sing softly, the voice of a girl:
“Ding dong
The doorbell rings
Ding dong
The death knell sings
Ding dong
No treats just tricks
Ding dong
Now onto Styx
Ding dong
You were lead
Ding dong
Now you’re dead…”
He went pale, stumbling back and bumping into a body. He screamed, turned, and screamed again as he fell away from a figure dressed all in white clutching a bloody knife with her white gown drenched in red. “Gotcha again, David,” it said, before laughing. Long hair was raked out of her eyes and she smiled down at her boyfriend.
David let out a breath, shaking his head. “Damn it, Alice, you really had me scared. I can’t believe you set this all up.”
She chuckled, reaching a hand out to help pull him to his feet. “Well not all of it, whoever was ringing that doorbell really helped me out.”
David frowned, “You mean… that wasn’t something you had-“
Ding dong.
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Post by Jenny (Reffy) on Jul 5, 2014 16:12:49 GMT -5
"Do it!" Judy egged Lucy on by pushing her forwards. They were both stood before the mirror, in pyjamas, in the cool light of the bathroom. "They say she'll come."
"Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary," Alice said with confidence; they both giggled. She finished the ritual by doing three full turns. A check of the mirror revealed two tired girls looking back in the reflection. Nothing changed. "Guess it didn't work?" Alice, rubbing an eye with a vacant hand.
"Try again?"
She shrugged in reply. "Doubt it works. Come on." She pulled the light-switch cord.
In the sudden darkness the mirror changed. A visage of a skeleton bathed in blood, topped with a golden crown, was laughing manically. "You summoned me?" A bony hand emerged from the mirror as thick blood drooled down the wall towards the sink. Quickly the top half of the skeleton was out and leaning on the sink.
Screaming they both fled. The sleep-over tradition was never repeated again.
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Post by James on Jul 10, 2014 2:40:25 GMT -5
While I don't mind reading Flash Fiction, I find it incredibly hard to review... so bear with me.
Silver
I feel like we haven't seen the best of you yet in this competition. But this was certainly a better attempt and was on much sturdier footing.
The idea was simple but really enjoyable. What I was looking for was something a little scary and while neither stories delivered true chills, yours was definitely the closest to approaching something that made me think about it after the story was done. You used the Flash Fiction's weakness of limited words to its advantage by leaving questions unanswered. And hinting at the unseen evil, but never showing it is textbook horror. So well done.
Obviously, you only have so many words to write in, but I felt the narrative was a little too blunt, but that's not a major concern with Flash. Just something I don't want to see so much of once you go back into the longer form. Also, I liked the stopping mid-sentence without punctuation. At first I was going to tell you off for it, but it worked quite well.
Nice, simple story. Well done. You're back on the horse. You've got the big match against Taed now.
Reffy
…
I had read these stories earlier. I had decided Silver had won.
But reading yours again... hmm. Like I said in Silver's review, ultimately what I was looking for was something scary. Neither of you delivered on that. Silver's phantom doorbell is going to stick in my mind longer than Bloody Mary, though. And that's what I was basing my decision on.
But coming back to your story, it's really well-written. You know the form well. The prose was austere and worked.
The problem is there was just no tension. Even with so few words, a scary story needs no tension.
Really close match. I'm going to have to go with my instincts and give it to Silver. His story is more likely to stick in my mind.
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Post by Jenny (Reffy) on Jul 10, 2014 2:58:13 GMT -5
Well done JMDavis ((Silver))! Glad you won this round as your flash was far better than mine. I tried a few different things and none of them felt great. I liked my Bloody Mary but yours was better. With some editing you could make it more concise and run smoother. (Also, you missed a few full stops.) |
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Post by James on Jul 10, 2014 3:11:15 GMT -5
(Also, you missed a few full stops.) Pretty sure that was intentional! |
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