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Post by Jenny (Reffy) on Jun 24, 2013 7:59:04 GMT -5
Enjoyable and easy read. There's a few grammar mistakes though: like the use of a comma where you meant there to be a full stop. It was also a bit confusing at the start because you never explained why the other celebs disappeared although it became clearer later in the story. This may have been intentional.
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Post by Kaez on Jun 24, 2013 15:57:03 GMT -5
I really enjoyed this a lot. Notably, I just like how fresh it feels. It's got a real spark of originality to it, and it's way outside of the writing I ordinarily expect from you. The characters are interesting and sympathetic and human. The dialogue word choice is a -little- clunky (I totally get wanting the girl to be overly logical, but she speaks a tad too rigidly to feel right), but it's not much.
I think Jor mentioned something about this being a slightly incorrect view of Christian purgatory -- but I like that about it. Leave it. It's a subtle way of hinting that, perhaps, she's right -- and that it's not real. And I think the story naturally inclines itself toward the other option, so between the two, it really does leave it wonderfully open-ended.
Excellent work, James, really.
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Post by James on Jun 24, 2013 16:43:38 GMT -5
Cheers, guys! Much appreciated. I'll definitely look at Naomi's dialogue again and maybe tone it down a tad.
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Allya
Senior Scribe
My Little Monster!
Posts: 2,271
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Post by Allya on Jun 24, 2013 20:47:17 GMT -5
I liked it too. Nothing to add that hasn't been said.
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Post by James on Jun 25, 2013 5:28:26 GMT -5
I liked it too. Nothing to add that hasn't been said. Thanks! |
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