A Lesson in Cultural Diversity
TABBED“What is this place?” I asked, wiping the sweat from my forehead with the balled up t-shirt. The air at that height was hot and humid and I had long since opted to expose my mainlander-pale skin to the scorching Hawaiian sun rather than continue hiking with the cumbersome stickiness of my sweat-drenched shirt. I took in the wonder of the sights before me while Liwai clambered up the incline to meet me, his heavy breathing marking each step. Just ahead, off to the side of the overgrown trail, a wispy thin waterfall fell from just below the crater rim into a crystalline pool; most of the tiny droplets succumbing to the trade-winds and blowing away in rainbowed puffs.
TABBEDThe pool was held on three sides by the natural cliff-face, eroded away over eons by the delicate trickle from above. The fourth side, clinging to the northern slope of the ancient crater, was a collection of lichen and fern covered stones; boulders the size of Liwai’s big local-boy body mingled with smaller fist-sized rocks plugging the bulk of the gaps. The trail crossed the dike and I moved to stand upon it, gazing into the wind-rippled depths. The pool was artificial to be sure, built by someone’s hand a long time ago. The pristine nature of it’s surrounding flora, the inviting clarity of the chilly water and the absence of beer bottles and car batteries and other refuse that marked more popular swimming holes indicated it had had few visitors since it’s construction. I knelt and dipped my hand in feeling the coolness on my fingers and quickly began scooping it up onto my sun burnt arms and face.
TABBEDLiwai stood watching me while he caught his breath, his hands on his ample hips. His mouth agape and tongue lolling to one side. His dark Hawaiian skin seemed little affected by the sun punishing rays, but his heavyset body was suffering in other ways. “Dey call i’ Moilua.” He said between breaths.
TABBED“Lua?” I chuckled, “Doesn’t that mean toilet?” I’d seen the word on a restroom door a few days before.
TABBED“On’y f’ da white folks.” He smiled mischievously, his pearly white teeth contrasting with his dark face as he walked over to where it stood. “’ts rilly deep, ya.”
TABBED“Doesn’t look deep.” It didn’t either. The clear waters magnified the jagged volcanic rock that lined the bottom to the point where it looked as though I could touch it.
TABBEDHe must have guessed what I was thinking because he said, “Ju don’ tink so? Go ‘head try, brah.” His grin grew wide as he pulled something shiny from his pocket, “Oh no!” he said, mockery in his thick voice, “drop m’ keys in da kine.” Liwai waved the key ring in front of my face and loosed it into the middle of the pool.
TABBEDI reached to try and catch them and missed by a long shot, watching the keys plop into the water sending rings of tiny waves to each shore. “Dude.” I tried to sound menacing; a humorous thought considering Liwai stood a full head taller than I did and was half again as heavy as me. He obviously recognized the humor as well because he laughed.
TABBED“Ju betta go get ‘em, how we gon’ get home?” Laughter continued to flow from his jovial face; probably in reaction to the look on mine. Liwai was a good guy, always laughing; he’d been one of the first people I actually grew to like in the couple of years I’d lived on Oahu. It didn’t seem to matter to him that I was a
haoli, a white fish, though he did like to give me grief due to my mainland rearing.
TABBEDI stared helplessly as the keys seemed to float in place for a long while before they finally touched the bottom. The sun beating down on my back would have been enough prompting to get me into the water, but I really didn’t feel like fetching keys. With a shrug I leapt in, and my breath caught in my throat as my body adjusted to the sudden cold. A moment later a great splash indicated Liwai had entered the pool as well, his less-than-prefect dive sending waves of water almost up and over the edge of the pool to cascade down the slope.
TABBEDWe swam for a good long while, taking in the air above the city, above the clouds, above everything. On the south side was the exterior crater wall. Long ago extinct, the volcano was now coated in a blanket of green from head to foot; looking up toward the rim I could see the various ridges and valleys that directed the rainfall into this manmade pool roughly the size of my living room. To the East and West the trail disappeared into the dense jungle undergrowth. North I could look out into the interior bowl of the crater, the
lua as Liwai called it, I could see the little ravine created over time when heavy rains flooded the pool and sent a stream pouring into the basin. I could see the opening on the north face where the crater wall had washed away thousands of years ago letting the little stream escape; and finally I could see the ocean, miles in the distance brushing against the sandy shores of the island and stretching out into crystal blue infinity.
TABBED“So how is it this place isn’t trashed?” I asked suddenly. “Is it a secret or something?”
TABBED“Wha? Nah? ‘ts illegal.” He smiled again. “Ju can’t come up heah.”
TABBED“Wait, you mean we could be arrested for this?” I suddenly started scanning the skies for helicopters, or spy satellite, or whatever; as though the police had nothing better the do than chase hikers. “Why?”
TABBED“Few yea’s back buncha tourists fell down da kine.” He pointed at the interior face of the crater off in the distance, “Dey say ‘ts not safe an’ we got’ stay ‘way.”
TABBEDI looked over the edge of the dike down into the basin; it was quite a fall. When surrounded by jungle on the trail I hadn’t really realized how steep the crater face the trail followed actually was; but from here I could get a better look at it and falling off would definitely ruin your afternoon.
TABBED“Da
kapuna say ‘ts cuz da menehune don’ like haolis.” He looked at me pointedly.
TABBEDMenehune, the leprechaun of the Hawaiian islands. Little elflike people said to be the first settlers of the islands. Some people, generally the older and superstitious types, believed they still lived in the hills and jungle occasionally getting their rocks off harassing people. “Is that why you dragged me up here?” I asked, chuckling.
TABBEDHe shrugged, “I had ta see.”
TABBED“You’re such an asshole.” I said, laughing and pushing away from the rocks allowing myself to float lazily on my back until my face floated into the light spray from above. It was getting cold, and the sun had dipped low in the sky. It wouldn’t be long before there was no sun at all, and it was still a good hike back to the trailhead. “Suppose I should get the keys.”
TABBED“How else we gon’ get home?” He smiled.
TABBEDI took a deep breath and dove into the depths, pushing and clawing with my hands, kicking as hard as I could to reach the bottom. My eyes were open and I could see the keys clearly in front of me and I reached out for them. Just then a dark mass shouldered past me, and I saw the colorful blur of his Hawaiian printed swimming shorts as Liwai touched the deep stones of the pool, snatched the keys from beneath my grasp and pushed off the bottom, graceful as a seal on the reef, to returned to the surface.
TABBEDI almost headed back up myself before something caught my eye. There at the bottom of the pool; what appeared to be just white pebbles from the surface took shape in my vision. Among a small pile of donut shaped stones sat a single white hook, roughly the size of my curled index finger. My lungs were beginning to ache from being down so long, so I quickly snatched the hook in one hand, a few of the stones in the other, and, taking a cue from Liwai, pushed off the bottom to speed my ascent.
TABBED“Ju get lost down theah, brah?” Liwai asked, holding the keys up in front of me grinning.
TABBED“Naw, look, I found this.” I held up the handful of round smooth round stones and the hook. Liwai’s smile faded. “What?”
TABBED“D’yu know whatchu got?” He was suddenly serious.
TABBED“Old fish hook, and some cool looking rocks. Why?” I was growing confused, I’d never seen Liwai look serious. Ever.
TABBED“Da’s a mahi hook, made from shahk bone. Da uddahs a’ fishin’ weights.”
TABBED“So? Someone lost their fishing tackle, what of it?” I set the artifacts on the shore and crawled out of the pool, shaking my head to get the water out of my hair. The air was getting colder now that the sun was getting lower.
TABBED“Open ya eyes haoli, ju see any fish? Any mahi?” Liwai dragged himself to shore as well and pulled his shirt over his head. “Some ‘un put ‘em theah fo’ a reason. Betta leave ‘em, ya.”
TABBEDThis time I laughed. “You’re fuckin’ with me right? These things are awesome, I’m taking ‘em home.” I pulled the drawstring out of my trunks and ran in through the hole in the weights, knotting the hook securely where the ends met, and put the makeshift necklace over my head.
TABBED“Whatevah, haoli,” Liwai said, he seemed disappointed, “Mehbe chu get trowed off dis mountain yet.”
TABBEDThe hike back down and the ride home were far colder than the Mo’ilua pool. Liwai’s silence made the whole tripp more than a little uncomfortable. When we arrived at my house I got out of the jeep and circled around the front to the driver’s side.
TABBED“Look,” I said, “It’s too late now, and I gotta work tomorrow, but if it bothers you that much we can take it back next weekend.”
TABBEDHe lifted the hook dangling from my neck with one finger and snorted, “Ju can take ‘t back.” Liwai revved the engine once and drove off down the darkened street, leaving me standing in my yard.
TABBEDMy body shivered, the sun burn releasing all my heat out into the night. I rubbed my arms feeling them sting at the touch and went inside to take a shower. I placed the necklace on the bathroom counter and looked at myself in the mirror. The wind from the drive through my wet hair had left my head a tangle of knots and my face was quite a bit redder than I had suspected. I couldn’t wait until the guys at work saw me. I stood in the shower for a long time, with the water to not-quite-warm. My body was tired from walking, my brain was tired from Liwai’s cold shoulder, and my skin tingled and burned even in the cold water.
TABBEDAfter probably a half an hour or more I shut the water of and pulled a towel from the rack. Wrapping it around my waist I stepped out of the tub, my naked foot landing on the soft rug laid out on the cold tile floor of the bathroom. I pulled another towel from the rack, ever so delicately drying my body and face. I felt something touch my foot and looked down.
TABBEDThere, right next to my bare foot was the largest cockroach I had ever seen. At what looked to be over three inches in length, its bronze body probed against my skin with its thick chitinous antennae. I suppressed the urge to scream like a little girl and searched the bathroom desperately for something to squash it with taking care not to move my feet and send it scurrying to somewhere where I couldn’t reach it.
TABBEDThe plunger was just out of reach, over behind the toilet and a reached and stretched until the wooden handle was almost in my grasp. Then I felt it on me. Its hooked feet latching onto my skin as it climbed onto my foot and began moving up my leg. I screamed like the aforementioned little girl and kicked my leg wildly sending the immense insect airborne and bouncing it off the bathroom wall. Then it took to wing, flying back toward my face. I ducked, more deftly than I knew possible, and got my hand around the plunger handle. I turned to face the creature, now clinging to the opposite wall, brandishing my toilet tool like a broad sword.
TABBEDI jabbed at the offending arthropod capturing it against the wall in the cup of the plunger. I pushed hard, plunging it again and again until subsequent plunges ceased making crunching sounds. Finally I let go of the plunger. The rubber head clung to the wall for a moment before it released and fell to the floor. The wall beneath was clean, no guts . . . no glory.
TABBEDMy eyes darted to every corner of the room searching for the beast. I was so sure I’d had it. After a moment of being unable to locate it, I resolved to retreat. Picking up the pair of pants I’d laid out on the counter, I shook them out (vigorously) and put them on, wrapping a towel around my face I implemented my exit strategy and closed the bathroom door behind me.
TABBEDI stood for a moment in the hall reflecting on the insanity of what had just occurred. I realized my heart was beating very fast, and it nearly jumped through my ribs at the sound of a sudden banging and clattering from the dining room. I considered retrieving the plunger, but concluded that by now it was surely in enemy hands and opted instead for a broom from the hall closet. I made my way toward the dining room and again heard the boom and clatter.
TABBEDRounding the corner I caught my cat, his face pressed through the vertical blinds staring out the sliding glass door into the night. I laughed to myself when I saw it, suddenly aware that I had heard that sound a million times before; every time a neighbor cat would cross my porch hissing and spitting would occur between the two cats separated by a pane of plated glass.
TABBED“You know,” I said to the cat, which turned and looked at the sound of my voice. “There’s a roach the size of a rat in the bathroom, perhaps you could make yourself useful?” He meowed at me incredulously, and then again; except he didn’t. I was watching his face and the second sound didn’t come from his mouth. He turned sharply and looked back out the window, again hissing and spitting into the night, jumping through the plastic verticals and throwing himself bodily against the glass.
TABBED“Alright, Vinnie, chill out.” I approached the door, using the broom to sweep him away from the glass before he broke a slat and I had to pay the landlord for damages. I pushed the blinds out of the way and flipped on the porch light in time to see a shadow disappear around the corner and what sounded like giggling. I tried to shrug it off; there were neighbors just across the courtyard, and the single-paneled walls of these old rental units did little to insulate sound. There were times I could here whole conversations across the yard, and times I’m sure they could here me.
TABBEDThe giggling wasn’t what gave me pause. It was the wet children’s’ size five footprints across my
lanai. I lifted the broom warily and made to open the sliding glass door when my cat once more began making a ruckus over by the air conditioner.
TABBEDI walked over to the AC unit as it blew cooling air against my reddened skin, the low humming of the compressor drowning any sound, but the fans produced a very distinct fishy smell. Vinnie had his face against the vent, digging at it with his claws to reach the scent. I reached down and turned the unit off and opened the filter. I was picking through the collected lint for something out of the ordinary when I heard movement on the opposite side of the wall.
TABBEDOutside the house I could hear scraping, almost like metal on metal, as though something were moving around on top of the heavy air conditioner housing outside.
It’s that damned neighbor cat, I know it. I thought as I peered slowly through the window shade above the AC unit.
TABBEDOutside the street appear tranquil, serene. A light wind blew rustling the bushes and the beginning of a rain was visible in the light of the street lamp as tiny dark spots appeared here and there on the pavement. No cat. I watched for a few moments longer as the rain picked up, falling harder, creating an audible tapping on the open-beamed ceiling above. I took a breath set the broom aside and turned to go sit down; maybe watch some stupid television. That is, if I hadn’t heard the giggle again.
TABBEDThis time I definitely heard it, and from the street side of the house, not the courtyard. It wasn’t a child’s giggle, it was harsh and throaty; the kind of sound one might produce after a day of eating sand. I moved back to the window to peer out again into the street.
TABBEDThe eyes appeared as if from nowhere, leaping up from behind the AC housing a hideous face peered back at me. Its teeth were long and knife-like, its eyes glowed with the reflected light from behind me. I staggered backward, my breath caught in my throat as I stumbled over the ottoman and fell to the ground banging my knee sharply on the edge of the coffee table.
TABBEDI scrambled back to my feet and ran to the front door, yanking it open. I had to see, I had to get a better look. I had to know. I ran outside into the chill night air, the rain pattering down soothingly on my naked torso. I made my way around toward the air conditioner and stopped dead in my tracks. Ahead of me, partially concealed in shadow, stood a man . . . or a child. It was hard to be certain.
TABBEDHis near-naked body was lean and hard, sinuously muscled, but he couldn’t have stood more than three feet in height. What I had taken for fangs and glowing eyes were decorative affects on a great bulbous helmet, as wide as his shoulders at its thickest and sporting tall, feathered plumes in a Mohawk style. Strings of black beads hung from the chin of the mask giving it the appearance of a long beard, hanging down across his heavily tattooed body to the level of the waistband of his grass skirt. His feet and hands were bare but his wrists and ankles were ornamented with bracelets of snail shells and he carried long spear, half again as tall as he was tipped with a wicked looking head of volcanic glass.
TABBEDI got a good long look because he didn’t appear to be afraid, and why should he be, he had a weapon . . . and he wasn’t alone. He spoke, suddenly, in a language heavily laden will vowels, and two more of the diminutive warriors appeared behind me, one of who giggled that familiar giggle. That’s when it occurred to me.
TABBED“Alright, Liwai,” I spoke to no one in particular, “You got me. Who are these guys? You can come out.” I walked toward the first one with every intend of unmasking him; expecting to see one of Liwai’s young cousins (they were pretty fit kids) underneath.
TABBEDThe little man barked a command in my direction and threw something at me, a strange writhing shape. It hit me lightly just above my left hip and I began to laugh; surely this farce was falling apart. Then I felt a pinch and it was like someone had hit me with the back end of a claw hammer. My body erupted in agony and I doubled over reaching instinctively toward the source of the pain. My hand clenched around something wriggling and jagged, and the claw hit me again on my right hand.
TABBEDI cried out, stumbling back toward my door. I looked at my hand in the porch light and saw a vicious four-inch centipede, its body a deep blue, its legs and blazing crimson; the first pair of which were buried in the meat of thumb. My eyes were blurry from the pain and I tried to fling the creature off of me but it wouldn’t let go; instead wrapping it’s long body around my thumb to get a better grip. I could feel it chewing, and either the thought, or the poison coursing through my abdomen began to nauseate me.
TABBEDI staggered past the other two warriors and clattered in through the screen door. Me cat stared at me and meowed dumbly as I made my way to the bathroom. I opened the door of the bathroom expecting once again to be accosted by the mega roach but the coast was clear. I turned the water on and ran the centipede’s head beneath the faucet, weeping pathetically, “Let go, holy shit, let go.”
TABBEDThen I saw it, the necklace of worthless stones and the fishhook I’d brought back from the pool. I snatched of the necklace and once again, staggered outside. Tears rolled down my face, my hand and body swelling and becoming discolored from the stings, and I held out the necklace to the one I assumed to be the leader crying, “Get it off, please, get if off of me.”
TABBEDHe reached out with the tip of his spear, jabbing it forcefully through the loop created by the hanging string and lifted the artifacts out of my hand. I hunkered down into a ball on the ground as he casually assessed the items I had given him.
TABBEDFinally, after what seemed like forever, he spoke another command. It was almost a whisper but I could feel the centipede relent. The pain from the sting remained, my eyes continued to pour and my arm was tingling to my elbow, but I felt the thing unwrap from my thumb and saw through blurry eyes as it slinked off into the grass.
TABBEDI laid there for a long while, crying and aching, so long in fact the sun was peaking over the horizon when I finally dragged myself back indoors. I needed to go to the hospital; I was losing feeling in my hand and the tingling had spread to my chest and thigh.
TABBEDI picked up the phone and held it to my ear; there was no dial tone. “Fucking menehune.”
