Ali v Injin v Daj v Walder

[James]

Topic: Conspiracy Fiction
Deadline: 11:59pm - 14/01/2011

[Injin]

Jon Hodges: Time Cop

Entry 1

“Hello, my name is Jon Hodges and I am a time cop. I know you already knew that, but hey, my report. I recently decided to keep this personal report/journal. I hope that I have something interesting to write about. Or say in my head. Thank the gods for mind reading tech.”

Lately I have been secretly been disobeying my superiors orders. They don’t know it yet, but I plan to fix the universe back to- REDACTED. It started back when my superiors ordered me to fix an anomaly. Way back in the year 2200 B.D. Seemed like nothing, but when I arrived, I saw a man. This man was a simple man, working in his father’s shop. His father was some kind of idol maker, but the man began destroying them, yelling about how there was only one god. “One God?” I asked myself this over and over. I knew that I sacrifice a goat every year for Zeus, Athena, Thor, and many others, but a personal religion with one? That sounded like a good idea. I never could remember all of the gods I used to worship anyway, so this seemed much simpler. My job, however, said that I needed to kill him. I just couldn’t do it, so I shot someone my time traveling device, the Zeus-Amonater 5000, said wouldn’t cause any problems instead. I then reported back to my superiors and came home. I ….don’t know what’s going to happen. They didn’t seem worried, so maybe the problem fixed itself. I think.. I will follow that man to see what happens.

Entry 2

I accidentally killed someone today. I was going back without permission, and one of the administrators bumped into me and was flung into the time tunnel. He’s… dead. I killed someone….. Ohman, ohman, ohman. As I try to get over myself I see… something. A shining light over the same man who I decided not to kill. IT WAS TALKING! Something about sacrificing his first-born son. That sounds awful, I thought as I began approaching the shiny man. So as I turn myself invisible with the Z-A 5000, and walk up to the shining light I can see that it‘s…. It’s me!? The shining light is me!

The shiny me bashed me over the head and I woke up a day later, in the bushes. I’m so confused right now. What’s going on? Why was I/him shiny? Am….I the anomaly? That doesn’t make sense, I would have had to be already in the past when the sensors back at home base went off. I came back and stepped back into my room and went to sleep. I hope nothing bad comes of this. I have to report that we lost an administrator, if they didn’t already notice.

Entry 3

I am in a cell right now. During the night, the administrators took me to the “time jail” and began to interrogate me. I wouldn’t break, and they kept hitting me and hitting me. Then, the head administrator came in and took me out. He explained that I had done nothing wrong, and to tell me what happened. I lied to him, told him that I had accidentally hit the time switch when the administrator bumped into me. I think he bought it. I hope they release me in the morning
Entry 4
I’ve escaped. They knew I was lying somehow. I was able to hack my Z-A 5000, and I escaped through time. I know they’ll come after me. It’s only a matter of time. They said I was going to be killed, so I better go to a place that no one will find me, the Egyptian wasteland. Hmm….? What’s this? I must have skipped a little, I don’t see the man anymore. Following his genetic signature……..huh? It’s a whole group of people that are pinging. Guess he had a lot of descendants. Must’ve meant that the first-born son wasn’t killed or something. They seem to be….. Running away? Oh no! they’re being chased by some nasty guys on wheels! Chariots I mean. Hmm? That staff the bearded guy is using… Why is it shining? Zeus, Hera, and Heracles! He’s parting the waters? And If I look up in the sky…. I see the shiny me from earlier. And he’s-- Ow!

"What the….? I’m in a cave now. Oh no, don’t-!"

Oh, my head…. What is going on with this place, how badly have a screwed up time? Maybe the administrators were right. Maybe I should be dead.

Entry 5

I found shiny me again. He has told me…. Many things. I am apparently made in his image. But he won’t tell me who he is. When I look at him hard, I hear many names. Jehovah, Allah, El, Yahweh. What does this mean? He still hasn’t explained anything. He knows how to work my device though. What…? He’s walking toward me. He…. Isn’t speaking? I hear words, thousands of words!

Entry 6
WORDS! HORRIBLE WORDS!

Entry 7

I think I’ve regained my sanity. For now. I don’t know what happened, but things seem different again. Why haven’t the administrators come after me yet? This is all so wrong. So very wrong. Hmmm? I seem to be in Jerusalem, that backwater town in the Levant. It seems so important, so full of people. Maybe it’s because I haven’t seen a gathering this large since before I graduated to becoming a time cop. I can’t claim to be one anymore though.

There seems to be a man that’s attracting a lot of attention. I wonder- Oh gods. He’s bleeding everywhere and holding a giant cross on his back. Why are the people guarding and whipping him so different then the locals? They look like…. Romans? I thought they were wiped out by the Carthaginians in the second Romanic war? Oh my gods, they’re putting him on the cross and nailing him to it! I can’t watch! What’s that in the sky…? Two of them? Why are there two of them? Why-

Entry 8
It seems that they want to kill me. I don’t know what or who they are, but they seem to have tied me up while I was unconscious. I’m in some kind of cellar. The-the-they’re walking in! No! NO! NO! WORDS, HORRIBLE WORDS!!!!

Entry 9
They stopped. Why? I don’t see them anymore. Hmm? A monitor? Its showing….? Some kind of celestial being giving some shepherd a book? Oh no. Oh. no. There are….. Three of them now? What’s going on? What have I-NO! NOT THE WORDS AGAIN! N-!

Entry 10
Apparently I’m being trained for something. The shiny me’s won’t explain why, but for the last few minutes I’ve been going back in time. There shouldn’t be anything back this far. Hmmm? I see words again, but not the same kind of words… Is that a bright light? I can’t see! I CAN‘T S-!.

I don’t know why, but this universe is speeding up. I see despite the fact its so bright, and what I see….. Isn’t pretty. The whole world is exploding, reforming, exploding again. I think this universe it slowly falling apart. But maybe…..

Entry 11
Hello, I’m Jon Hodges, the only survivor of what I am calling Universe Alpha. I don’t know why, but something has given me power, power to create a new universe. I am calling the shots this time. And my first proclamation, is ….. “ Let there be Light!" Oooh.....shiny.

[AEShenhav (Ali)]

Cinders

By Allison Shenhav

It wouldn't have been noticeable to anyone else. In fact, to anyone else the soft sound wouldn't register at all. But to Hannah it sounded like a church bell calling to alarm a town of enemy soldiers.

In fact, it wasn't so much a sound as the absence of one. The loose wooden plank outside the door to her small single room had always creaked twice when someone walked though the hall; one step on, one step off. Tonight however, it only creaked once.

This had roused her from sleep as a bucket of cold water dumped on her head would have. She was already out of bed and throwing on her long coat over a thin nightgown even before she heard the soft clicking of metal being inserted into her door's lock. Cold and cardinal fear oozed though Hannah's heart at this sound, confirming her panic and sending her into thoughtless action.

Coat. After, boots. Next, hat. Now, window.

Somewhere past basic assertions in her mind told her that the soft clicking at the door meant the intruder didn't have a key and was working their way in. Before she leaped toward the window, quick instinct commanded her to thrust a chair back under the doorknob. This action saved her life. The moment the chair was in place, the lock clicked and the door slowly pressed open.

Hannah was at her window in an instant, opening it to the cold winter air that sent her raven dark hair billowing. Stifling a gasp from the change in temperature, she placed a foot on the very small ledge and stepped outside. The door inside the room banged once against the chair and once again, this time harder and followed by a muttered curse.

With one hand clinging to a drainage pipe outside the brick building, Hannah thrust the window shut and looked down. Only two stories thankfully but still, a jump from here would almost definitely break a leg and render her immobile. Not a sound choice for this situation. With adrenaline guiding her motions, she used the sturdy steel pipe to climb down several feet to a safe falling distance. The feat was amazing and when she was safely on the ground the fear broke slightly, causing her to look up at her window and admire the distance she had climbed from. But the muffled crash of wood splintering sent her sprinting down the short ally like a frightened doe.

Outside, the frost etched gray streets held little life. Hannah walked quickly with her head down, partly to keep her exposed neck warm and partly to not draw attention as an unaccompanied lady was quite noticeable and prone to unsavory types. The bitter chill kept most inside this time of year but it also meant that she couldn't stay out too long. Thankfully she knew of one place to go where she'd be safe for the time being and thankfully the only important possession she owned was still stashed in her coat. There was no going back to her small room now.

A loud rumbling behind her announced the coming of a grip car and immediately she turned to flag it down. The enclosed space would at least provide some warmth. The operator looked concerned with her attire and the lateness of the night but said nothing as she paid the five cent fare and thanked him. Sitting on the hard wood and wrapping her coat tighter, Hannah watched the city slowly pass.

Chicago had always reminded her of the inside of a cocoon where the caterpillar was midway to becoming a butterfly. Unbelievably tall buildings rose to trace new wings while the horse drawn carriages reminiscent of the fuzzy bloated body gave a sense of old charm. It was a very strange and exciting time for the city and new mixed with old to form a amalgam of ideas that would change the world. Other times it led to conflict however.

Hannah's entire existence since arriving to the city three years past had reflected this conflict in change. One of her greatest assets was surprise; she was charming, pretty, and far too young to possess a uniquely sharp wit and intellect that sent important men reeling. She used all of these to further her most critical goals of ambition and curiosity. Just below these priorities however was a near consuming fear. Fear of failing, fear of being caged, and fear of being forced to crawl home. She made no apologies for it though; that same fear had kept her alive this night.

The first year had gone by in a blur as she was constantly sending letters and articles she had written to the Chicago Tribune, many of which they had stolen and printed under a false name. During this time she had taken up smoking and the enjoyment of cognac and whiskey in order to punch her way into the boy's club. This had made considerable waves in the beginning but her charm and wit took the hearts of many and she was eventually invited to write for the paper.

But it had also brought about the considerable condemnation of many others, especially important women who felt Hannah was overstepping her bounds. They tried many times to get rid of her with the way woman usually fought: Sabotage with a sickly sweet smile to which she responded with elegance and grace, knowing that as much power as these women had, the men she charmed had more.

With a deep breath that bordered on a gasp, Hannah rose from her reminiscing to see that her stop was approaching. Absentmindedly she adjusted the small package tucked safely in her coat pocket. With another uttered thanks to the operator, she left the warmth of the grip car's cabin and back into the frigid night chill.

The walk to the Tribune building was a short one. Unlike the rest of the city, it had life in it. She passed the small gang of newsboys who were waiting for some sort of world event to happen so that they could make their weekly wage. All of them watched like a flock of gulls as she passed by.

Within minutes Hannah was flagging down one of the night time doormen. Relief full upon her shoulders as she saw that it was Mr. Pawlak, the warmest of the men employed to watch the building in the evenings. His face fell to concern when he saw her and he quickly let her inside.

"Ms. Lockheart!" he exclaimed. "Why are you here on this frightful night?"

It took all her will to bring about a pleasant smile to assure him that nothing was wrong. "I'm sorry Mr. Pawlak," she apologized. "There's a story that's been shifting around in my head. I fear I won't sleep until it's been written."

He gave her an apprehensive look but nodded. "Very well. Mr. Medill came through quite recently as well. Do you need assistance to your office?"

The look of genuine surprise on her face seemed to ease the man a little. "Oh? I didn't know. No, thank you Mr. Pawlak. I'll be okay. Thank you." She started walking to the lift but paused and turned adding, "Did Mr. Medill say why he was here?"

"No miss," said the doorman. With a polite nod, Hannah opened the cage to the lift and began the ascension. It wasn't strange for the editor-in-chief to be here late.

She found Mr. Medill in his office, overlooking a copy of tomorrow's paper. She smiled, knowing that her article was the front page. It was the first part of three, reporting the beginning workings of a most shocking discovery; one that she knew was directly related to tonight's events. And this time she had made damn sure that it was her name on the article.

"Looking over my greatest achievement again, sir?" She asked, grinning to her editor.

He looked up in confusion that seemed just a little too over-the-top. Hannah cocked her head. The man looked weary and a little disappointed, the lines on his face a fraction darker than usual.

"Ah Ms. Lockheart," he said with a smile. He looked back down at the paper. "Great work, as always my dear."

She winked and moved into the office. "And like I said, there's more. A lot more. Wait until you hear about this 'Fireproof Party.' It's literary gold, I'm telling you!" Excitement burned in her voice and her hand moved to the small package in her coat absently. Mr. Medill's eyes followed it before flickering back to hers.

"Yes well, I still think you should've waited another week before insisting we print it. We have to make absolutely sure that..."

Hannah's rolling eyes cut him off. "I have made absolutely sure sir!" she implored. "Plus, in a week or so the damage might already been done." She crossed her arms stubbornly. A insubstantial melancholy echoed in the man's laugh.

"Is... is something wrong sir?" she asked guardedly. A sudden and wild surge of the same fear that saved her earlier tonight spiked though her heart.

"No, no," he sighed. "Just quite tired." He opened a drawer in his desk and added. "And sorry..."

Hannah's eyes grew wide as the flash of dusky gray steel appeared Mr. Medill's hand. "Very, very sorry." His voice was sad but tenacious. He knew what we was about to do.

Fear paralyzed her. Betrayal flowed in her veins. Cold, coarse acceptance flashed in her eyes. This charge was all too sudden but her voice was steady and penetrating. "You. I trusted...!"

The gunshot was not but a soft pop to the night time workers several stories below.

------

Sifting though the woman's jacket, Joseph found the parcel and brought it to his desk. He mulled over the brilliant but dangerously noisy reporter's notes in uncharacteristic shock. Thankfully he had relieved her of this information. Otherwise, who knows what whould've happened. Amazingly she had never discovered his involvement.

Gathering up the various scribbles and noted observations, he held the paper up to the gas lamp until it caught aflame. He stared at the paper until it was nothing but ash. Hannah would become just another young woman who disappeared in Chicago. His friends would make sure of that.

A week later, the city burned.

[NNChambers ((Daj))]

The following was transcribed from a tape found in newly rediscovered tunnel system:

My name is Jack Sherman. I was… am a private investigator. I am currently… being taken… somewhere. I’m in some kind of vehicle… a truck? Cart? It’s too dark in here… I can’t see anything. I’m not sure why I’m recording this. Maybe I feel I want to leave something behind… Nobody would ever find this down here… if anyone, they would find it. It won’t matter though… surely I’ll be dead by then.

Where do I start? I guess… the beginning would be… I was hired to find a missing person. His name… I think it was Thomas… Anyways, the kid had disappeared and some guy asked me to find Thomas because the cops weren’t helping. I made the usual motions, talking to everybody to try to learn more about the missing person, maybe find a lead… The whole time I assumed he was just another punk kid who had ran away from home.

Anyways, I ended up going to the police. I hadn’t been able to turn up any decent leads and Thomas had been missing long enough that I was starting to get scared for him. But… they wouldn’t take the missing persons report… I can’t remember their exact excuse, but they must have been serious BS because they really pissed me off.

After that I thought of taking it to the media. I sent a few letters out (anonymously of course) to all local news stations detailing how the kid disappeared and that the police were strangely avoiding the case…

A week or two passed and never once did the story receive even the slightest bit of attention. In the end, I gave up. It was rather uncharacteristic of me, but I gave up. It should have ended there. Just another job I failed at. Nothing lost but a paycheck and a bit of respect.

It should have ended there.

Apparently, by messing around with that one case, I pissed off the wrong… people. Well, while I was minding my own business hanging out alone in my humble abode, a group of thugs broke in and grabbed me. I was taken somewhere to be held for awhile… I was beaten, interrogated, all that good stuff, but the highlight of the experience was when that came out and told me the truth.

It seemed to take some kind of sick pleasure I’m sure the only reason it told me the things that it did was just so it could delight in whatever reaction I displayed. It… wasn’t human. It was some kind of monster. The room was too dark for me to get a good look… but I think it was some kind of lizard… thing… It referred to its race as the… the… Draconians or Reptilians or something like that… It said that they secretly control everything… They control the various governments of the world, the media, everything. It said that they use humanity for food… All the wars and disasters of the world occurred so that they could collect massive amounts of bodies…

It can’t be true… sure… it wasn’t human… so maybe its race does exist… but they can’t possible control everything, can they? Regardless… it’s over for me.

[Meleta/Isoldaa]

Ali

4/5 Spelling & Grammar
4/5 Ease of Read
10/10 Use of Topic
12/15 Entertainment
13/15 Quality
Total: 43/50

Great story, Ali! Twist-y and turn-y all the way to the end. The only thing I'll say, is that from the beginning, you could've given a bit more of the "after-reaction" from Hannah after she's chased from her apartment. Also, just a touch less "telling" and more "showing" in the way of exposition, concerning how she rose to her prominent place in the news business.

Good descriptions throughout your story, and a very good pace. Almost all of the dialogue was completely believable as well - only a few small hiccups here and there. And I really loved the fact you took this topic, and completely just ran with it.


Injin

4/5 Spelling & Grammar
2/5 Ease of Read
7/10 Use of Topic
9/15 Entertainment
10/15 Quality
Total: 32/50

An interesting, off-beat concept, Injin. I have to admit, I was utterly confused (read: lost) along the way, though, with the "shiny me's" and the "horrible words" and the staccato journal entries toward the end. It's obvious you had something to say, something in mind here? But your concept could have used quite a bit of polishing/shining, to make it all a bit clearer, and pull everything together cohesively.


Daj

4/5 Spelling & Grammar
5/5 Ease of Read
9/10 Use of Topic
9/15 Entertainment
8/15 Quality
Total: 35/50

Definitely a conspiracy story here, Daj. I think you hit all the points anyone could ask of one: a private investigator, abductions, shadowy and nefarious 'others" - human or otherwise, in this case.

But I think you're already well aware, you needed to expand on this piece mightily, in almost every aspect, to pull a complete story through.


Walder

4/5 Spelling & Grammar
3/5 Ease of Read
5/10 Use of Topic
10/15 Entertainment
11/15 Quality
Total: 33/50

An interesting, twisting story for sure, Walder. I think where you may have lost me, though, was the fact that for the life of me, I just could not follow you here on the topic. I think what you wound up with in the end, was a very odd piece of surrealistic horror. Yes, I caught on to the various newspapers strewn about, the various dates and such for disappearances, the deceptions of the creepy, eyeless little girl, etc. It just wasn't enough at the end, for me to be able to say that yes, I had just read a piece of Conspiracy Fiction.

[Dylaria]

Injin:

Spelling & Grammar - 2/5
Ease of Read - 3/5
Use of Topic - 4/10
Entertainment - 8/15
Quality - 7/15
Total - 25/50

Notes:

I noticed some errors in grammar and spelling, a couple jarring enough to make me stop and take note of them. I'll give a couple example of said errors. A lot of these seem to be very simple errors and sadly I feel that I have to be harsh and point at least a few of them out.

1. how badly have a screwed up time? (The "a" should be an "I")

2. I wouldn’t break, and they kept hitting me and hitting me. / I came back and stepped back into my room and went to sleep. (I put two things here because they both have a similar glitch. The double "and" just makes it feel like a run on sentence. As if I said "lets go to the park and swing and play." I just doesn't sound right no?)

3. I think this universe it slowly falling apart. But maybe….. ("it" should be "is")

This also wasn't the easiest read for several reasons. First off there were the spelling/grammar errors that slowed me down a little. However it goes a bit beyond that. I understand that this is supposed to be a text log recording what this time cop has done. At first this works well but I noticed later on that you suddenly switch tenses from past to present. I really can't understand why. If this is a log then why and how would he write in it in real time? Especially if knocked unconcious a few times during. I get the impression that it is a text log of some kind so that really kinda bothered me.

I'm also left with a lot of questions that the piece never seems to answer. You mention mind reading tech in the beginning but when he is being interrorgated why do none of his superiors use this technology to see this log? There seems to be a plethora of relgions being used from Roman to Norse, how does this combination work? Is it just because they are polythestic? Are they even real? Where is the conspiracy exactly? My guess is that it is polytheism trying to erase monotheism but I have absoultely no idea. It is never really clarfied or if it is then I didn't pick it up.

Also, there is no space between the end of entry 3 and the notice of entry 4. All the other entries had this seperation, it throws off the reading and the looks of the whole thing off a bit.

Altogether I really want this to make sense and work because I think this idea has promise. It just isn't there yet, it feels like an alpha or beta version that isn't ready to be seen quite yet. The ending of it shows a lot of promise that a man who tinkers with time becomes god in the long run but I'm left with too many questions to enjoy it.

I know I'm being harsh but I'm not doing it to be mean. I think that if I air all this out you can improve and your next project can get closer if not hit the potential that it could hit.


Ali:

Spelling & Grammar - 5/5
Ease of Read - 5/5
Use of Topic - 9/10
Entertainment - 13/15
Quality - 14/15
Total - 46/50

Notes:

Alright, well with spelling and grammar I didn't really notice anything worth putting up. There was a missed comma or something silly once or twice but beyond that I noticed nothing worth noting. The story flowed well and I had no trouble keeping up with what was going on while keeping the curiousity of what the bigger picture was. It held my attention and kept me wanting to know what was going to happen next. If anything I would say that it felt a little short in that not a whole lot happened. She wakes up, flees to her office where she meets one of her bosses and is shot. The bit of history into Hannah's time in the city was nice but I wish that a little more had happened.

This gushed conspiracy from the first line to me. Almost a little too much, it felt a little in my face right off the bat. It worked and hooked me but the bluntness of it took me back for a second. That isn't nessessarily a bad thing, just not what I expected. The only nagging question I have is about the time period. While it isn't too important as from the description I'm assuming late 19th to early 20th century. On that note if I'm correct then I'd have to ask if you got your idea from history. Again the main complaint I have is that the story felt short.

I enjoyed the story minus the feeling that it could have felt a little longer and there wasn't too much character interaction besides the doorman and her killer. Beyond that I just plain liked it and found the final bit while not giving a whole explenation it gave enough of one to satisfy. The last line in particular was a good way to close it in my opinion. Short, to the point and had a bit of weight to it.



Daj:

Spelling & Grammar - 4/5
Ease of Read - 3/5
Use of Topic - 10/10
Entertainment - 10/15
Quality - 9/15
Total - 36/50


Notes:

I noticed a couple spelling/grammar issues during my reading I'll start with the more confusing one if you don't mind.

"His name… I think it was Thomas… Anyways,"

On the whole the ellipses followed the rules although there were a lot of them (more on that later). This one however bugs me because of how "Anyways" was capitalized. I was under the impression that you didn't capitalize the word after an ellipsis if you kept the sentence going. Furthermore I looked up what to do if an ellipsis does end a sentence and apparently you have to use a period afterwards. (who knew?)

Another little grammar issue was this line.

"but they must have been serious BS because they really pissed me off."

I'm not exactly sure what you had in mind when you typed that but it looks like you got caught between two ideas and didn't catch it. Either way, it doesn't read quite right I'm afraid.


I understand that this is supposed to be as if I'm listening to an audio recording but the amount of ellipses seemed a little overkill to me. Just about every sentence has one and that kind of saturation bothered me because in at least a few cases I think either a period or another form of punctuation would have been sufficient. Maybe it is grammatically kosher to use it that much but it just felt a little spray and pray to me and made it a little hard for me to find a good reading pace for.

For good news though, it's fiction and there is defenately a conspiracy. I can see what it is and how the story is based around it. Honestly though, it again felt a little saturated. There was no real build up or setting, it was all just kinda there. I also found the whole lizard race eating people thing, I don't know, just not really up there. Maybe I'm wrong but I don't really feel any originality in that part of the piece. A lizard race named the "Draconians or Reptilians or something like that" just set me back a moment. If you were going for a comedic or parody styled piece that would have been all well and good. I didn't get that feel though and there can be a lot in a creative name.

On the whole this felt a bit rushed and crammed. Almost like you weren't really sure what you were going to do and came up with something on the fly. Even the main character doesn't really have a "soul" as it were, as if he is merely a narrator. I learn a bit about him but I never really felt a reason to care that he was likely dead, like there was nothing to conenct to. It's readable and I can make sense of the whole thing and where everything fits in but I felt little appeal towards it as a story.


Walder:

Spelling & Grammar - 3/5
Ease of Read - 3/5
Use of Topic - 5/10
Entertainment - 13/15
Quality - 12/15
Total - 36/50


Notes:

Okay, this piece didn't really start off strong. I didn't feel hooked, nor was the grammar at it's best. There were some uneeded commas and I really didn't understand why "Little" was in quotes the first time around but never again. Never mind capitalized, it just felt a bit awkward. To be honest I wasn't really hooked or finding a whole ton of improvement until the kid started finding the newspapers. That gave me something to go on and the sentences started cleaning up. I noticed some more extra commas but the awkwardness declined in a big way. As the story went on I felt it got stronger and I actually got interested with what was going on. I never really got my answer but it ended well enough anyway.

With that however comes my main complaint. This did in no way seem like any kind of conspiracy. Horror? Sure. Supernatural? Hell yes. I just didn't feel any real conspiracy at all. Hell, I'm not even quite sure who the antagonist was behind it all. Was it that girl? Was it the senator? I don't know. If this had been in the supernatural catagory this would have fit perfectly but it isn't. I'm just left trying to figure out how any of this is a conspiriacy at all. The newspapers seemed to hint at something, as did all the blood on the walls and whatnot. (I'm assuming it's blood) There just didn't seem to be enough honest background to it all to piece anything fully together. The girl seems to tell at least part of the story but everything she says is suspect from the other two people the main character met before. I feel this could have hit the mark for conspiracy but just wasn't quite built in that way.

In short, it had some flaws but was overall enjoyable. I just really wish I felt it was in the right place as far as topic goes.

[Mena]

Injin

Spelling & Grammar - 3/5
Ease of Read - 3/5
Use of Topic - 5/10
Entertainment - 6/15
Quality - 7/15
Total - 24/50

Honestly, not very easy to read. I kept reading and re-reading. Maybe because it was written in the style of a journal and I feel it didn't really tell much of a story, in my opinion. You had the concept but it fell short.


Ali

Spelling & Grammar - 5/5
Ease of Read - 5/5
Use of Topic - 9/10
Entertainment - 14/15
Quality - 14/15
Total - 47/50

Great job. The conspiracy was believable, very enjoyable read. The end part about the city burning was great and added a nice real life affect, seeing as Chicago did in fact burn in 1871.



Daj

Spelling & Grammar - 4/5
Ease of Read - 4/5
Use of Topic - 10/10
Entertainment - 10/15
Quality - 10/15
Total - 34/50

This story had all the elements but you could have expanded on it and written really good story. It just felt incomplete and I wish you had wrote more.


Walder

Spelling & Grammar - 3/5
Ease of Read - 4/5
Use of Topic - 6/10
Entertainment - 13/15
Quality - 12/15
Total - 38/50


Little slow at the beginning, enjoyable enough read. I had a couple problems though.

-No need to rub that little fact in, though, if all he did was pull some girl's hair, or cut some kid with the scissors.- I didn't quite get this sentence. I was like "what?" -shrug-

-"Where did I go wrong?" Dad whispered to himself, before Sammey left to explore the mansion.- Was his Dad with him outside the mansion? Just didn't feel it belonged or could have been elaborated on a little earlier on so that it made sense.


A few grammatical/spelling errors that could't be overlooked. A nice story but I think it could have been put together a little better.

[James]

Ali (136) beats Walder (107) & Daj (105) & Injin (81)