The Fourth Estate

[James]

<Removed for Publishing Purposes>

[J.O.N ((Dragonwing))]

Fuck Yes

[James]

... good then?

[Deleted]

Another supernatural story set in modern times, eh? I don't suppose this is anywhere near the same universe as what you've been working on in the past? At any rate, I suppose a review is in order, so let's start off with your favorite thing.

Spelling was surprisingly great. I spotted only one mistake on that front with a quick scan or the actual in-depth reading. "Some people might have been spooked if they could nearly kill a man without battering an eyelid, but Jensine knew better." 'Battering' should be 'batting'. Even if you meant to use it, it's much too 'forceful' a word to use when describing a blink.

Grammar, on the other hand, I spotted a few sentences that didn't exactly work. "“Jesus, Sandi,” Jensine smiled, staring at the elderly woman who stood within the doorframe of the bathroom. " The comma before 'Jensine' should be a period, since she's performing an action rather than you using a word that describes her speaking.

"“The sun is in the sky,” Bosse gestured to the patio door." Same here.

“Do you know how long it took to finally finish her?” Jensine said, taking a sip from her mug. <-- Was 'said' intentional, as if to say it wasn't actually a question? Regardless, it feels out of place.

"Wondering if any other person detested shopping as much as her, " Shouldn't 'her' be 'she'?

Aside from those minor errors, I had an easy time of reading through the short here. It was simple, to the point and flowed well. Not much to say other than you obviously feel comfortable writing material like this and it shows.

As for my entertainment on the subject, perhaps it's just me, but aside from the shot at the beginning, it's setting up the characters and not much happens because of that. I can look ahead and see reading more of the characters might increase my enjoyment, but as of now there's really not much to them. Business-like sniper/vampire hunter and vampire. She seems professional, he seems the same, despite their hatred of each other. Not much character (other than our vampire hunter perhaps having a soft-spot for children as a possible result of being an orphan due to vampires in the past?) comes into play otherwise. Not much humor, either, which is something I usually enjoy from your previous work with Collingwood (that's the name, right?).

Overall, aside from the errors, it's very much a comfortable groove for you to fall into, I think. As of now, I can't say I'm excited to see more, but I'm willing to read a bit further since you're one of the few writers I actually enjoy reading material from. I suppose I should mention it was a little difficult for me to get through this story, however, due to a bit of boredom near the middle. I mean, vampire hunters have been done before. I hope you'll add your regular flair to the rest of the story to make it a bit more entertaining.

[James]

Nov 21, 2012 13:30:51 GMT -5 Croswynd said:

Another supernatural story set in modern times, eh? I don't suppose this is anywhere near the same universe as what you've been working on in the past?

Actually, it is. Dr Jensine Holm shall be making an appearance in the fourth Collingwood story, A Vampire in Kensington.

Overall, aside from the errors, it's very much a comfortable groove for you to fall into, I think. As of now, I can't say I'm excited to see more, but I'm willing to read a bit further since you're one of the few writers I actually enjoy reading material from. I suppose I should mention it was a little difficult for me to get through this story, however, due to a bit of boredom near the middle. I mean, vampire hunters have been done before. I hope you'll add your regular flair to the rest of the story to make it a bit more entertaining.

Oh, there's no more. That was it. Besides giving me a chance to just back into the groove, it was really a concept piece. It's wanting to play with the fact that actually rising technology is really a vampire's worst enemy. And a chance to have a run out with Jensine Holm. So I'll make sure to flesh her out a little more and add a bit more humour (which shouldn't be too hard since I'm planning to play her off against Vinnie.)

But thanks for the review. It seems like that I've at least kept a steady hand on the writing, if not the entertainment factor (which is easy to get right).

Time to move back onto The Temples of London and a Sci-Fi meet Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy story I've got in my head.