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Post by Injin on Apr 28, 2012 19:27:18 GMT -5
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Post by Injin on May 5, 2012 1:42:31 GMT -5
If someone would at least give me an opinion of the story I wrote, it would be much appreciated.
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Allya
Senior Scribe
My Little Monster!
Posts: 2,271
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Post by Allya on May 5, 2012 18:18:57 GMT -5
I just finished reading it and I really liked it. There were a few grammatical and spelling errors but nothing terrible. But more to the point, I like the idea of it. It uses the lore in a fun way but has its own epic-feeling story line. You know how when you read a good fantasy series and you can tell a journey is just beginning for a main character and you're excited to see it start? It was like that.
There are a few places, specifically when you start talking about who is whose mother that I got a bit confused so I would take a second look at that part. I also think the story could use a bit more filling in, more description surrounding some of the dialogue.
All in all it is a great start.
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Post by Injin on May 5, 2012 18:29:17 GMT -5
I just finished reading it and I really liked it. There were a few grammatical and spelling errors but nothing terrible. But more to the point, I like the idea of it. It uses the lore in a fun way but has its own epic-feeling story line. You know how when you read a good fantasy series and you can tell a journey is just beginning for a main character and you're excited to see it start? It was like that. There are a few places, specifically when you start talking about who is whose mother that I got a bit confused so I would take a second look at that part. I also think the story could use a bit more filling in, more description surrounding some of the dialogue. All in all it is a great start. Which number paragraph is the mother part that you are confused with? Also, thank you for taking a look at it, Allya |
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Allya
Senior Scribe
My Little Monster!
Posts: 2,271
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Post by Allya on May 5, 2012 21:30:30 GMT -5
It was the part that started "While Ysgrim rested, Brelyna left the room and wandered down the halls, muttering, “I still can’t believe he hasn’t realized I’m not his real mother. She is still in Daggerfall if I recall. If she tries to interfere again, I WILL really have to send Ulfur. The boy may be only fifteen, but he could rip a mammoth in half if he got angry enough.” And the next couple of paragraphs.
This part was a bit confusing to me because I think you were just saying she wasn't his brother's mother either. That's a lot to throw at a person. The reaction of the guy in the next paragraph was confusing as well.
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Post by Injin on May 5, 2012 21:34:15 GMT -5
It was the part that started "While Ysgrim rested, Brelyna left the room and wandered down the halls, muttering, “I still can’t believe he hasn’t realized I’m not his real mother. She is still in Daggerfall if I recall. If she tries to interfere again, I WILL really have to send Ulfur. The boy may be only fifteen, but he could rip a mammoth in half if he got angry enough.” And the next couple of paragraphs. This part was a bit confusing to me because I think you were just saying she wasn't his brother's mother either. That's a lot to throw at a person. The reaction of the guy in the next paragraph was confusing as well. Ah. Makes sense. I tried to convey that she was out of the room, and muttering to herself, and that Aleehi didn't realize this, despite the fact she is a Dunmer. Guess I need to relook on how that is stated. |
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Post by Jenny (Reffy) on May 11, 2012 15:02:28 GMT -5
This might be long, hun. Don't take any of it to heart - k? I've not done this in a while either so it might be sketching and I don't fully know the Skyrim universe. First thing of note was how modern it felt. I'm not sure I appreciated that aspect? It's Skyrim. It's oldy-woldy. I wanted moody. Having a stroppy teenager in these times just didn't fit. There was also a lot of modern day sayings like: "If I've told you once-" and "-You should act like it." It made immediately sinking into the story difficult. Maybe this wouldn't have been such an issue if I didn't know a little about the world already? Who knows. The other noticable things are the grammatic error moments. There were open quotation marks and capitols where they weren't needed. This would benefit from a comb-over. lately, mother”, Ysgrim began, “My dreams < New sentence here or lose the capitol? Example. Just noticed that we weren't even given any setting, descriptions, visuals - anything to go on. What does he look like? What does she look like? Where are they exactly? This probably didn't help with my immersion effect. I want to be able to snuggle with a story but yours was chilly. “And plus, I can’t just have you grab me from behind like that. < And plus? That doesn't make much sense to be honest. Laughing, Ysgrim agreed, “Yeah, yeah, here you go” and tossed eight coins, instead of five, “You buy yourself some mead while you are on your way back to Winterhold. Tell them I sent you, and you get a discount”. < I don't know if you are "allowed" to do that? Break off from conversation to add in another action without putting in some kind of punctuation or something. Take your time when editing. Don't worry about spacing things out. I liked that you continued his sentence as he left the dream. That was a clever transition. The mother showed no emotion, or you didn't tell us about it, when talking of his history. Surely there would be a bit of emotion about having her son kidnapped and his aunt killed? Give us something to feast on! “This is all so crazy. Should I head their call to go to them then? I mean, what is even written on the letter? I was sort of knocked unconscious the second I opened the letter”. < Not the reaction I'd have to being kidnapped as a youngster. I kinda get if you were going for confused, perhaps, after being unconscious? Also, 'Heed' is the word you were looking for. “That’s the thing Ysgrim, the letter dissolved into fire the second you dropped it and fell asleep. < If the letter dissolved then how did she get to see the signature? That was how she'd identified it as being The Blades, right? When the mother explained the history between his father and the aunt you overused the "sort of" which seems out of place again. I don't know if the formatting during the sleep scene was needed? The underlining was just distracting. If you need to pull attention to something powerful and shouted there are other ways. Describe it. Maybe the words hurt his ears? Maybe that's all there was were the words? You used bolden to highlight another person/being in the dream, which again could be done other ways. Do they have lollipops in Skyrim?  Overall thoughts: It's definitely something but I feel like you could explore it further and delve deeper. This feels like a plot but it's only the skeleton of the story. Give us immersion. By going into the finer and more beautiful details you'll also find that the creativity block you are experiencing will disappear. I always find that the more I can give when my writing is suffering the more I can get into it. It feels like you didn't get inside this story. I'm sorry. I like the premise, I like where it could go, unfortunately I liked J’zargo more than the main-character - so be careful there. It has a world of possibilities. Don't give up but do go back and edit. Enjoy fleshing out something that could definitely be a something! |
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Post by Injin on May 11, 2012 16:09:42 GMT -5
This might be long, hun. Don't take any of it to heart - k? I've not done this in a while either so it might be sketching and I don't fully know the Skyrim universe. First thing of note was how modern it felt. I'm not sure I appreciated that aspect? It's Skyrim. It's oldy-woldy. I wanted moody. Having a stroppy teenager in these times just didn't fit. There was also a lot of modern day sayings like: "If I've told you once-" and "-You should act like it." It made immediately sinking into the story difficult. Maybe this wouldn't have been such an issue if I didn't know a little about the world already? Who knows. The other noticable things are the grammatic error moments. There were open quotation marks and capitols where they weren't needed. This would benefit from a comb-over. lately, mother”, Ysgrim began, “My dreams < New sentence here or lose the capitol? Example. Just noticed that we weren't even given any setting, descriptions, visuals - anything to go on. What does he look like? What does she look like? Where are they exactly? This probably didn't help with my immersion effect. I want to be able to snuggle with a story but yours was chilly. “And plus, I can’t just have you grab me from behind like that. < And plus? That doesn't make much sense to be honest. Laughing, Ysgrim agreed, “Yeah, yeah, here you go” and tossed eight coins, instead of five, “You buy yourself some mead while you are on your way back to Winterhold. Tell them I sent you, and you get a discount”. < I don't know if you are "allowed" to do that? Break off from conversation to add in another action without putting in some kind of punctuation or something. Take your time when editing. Don't worry about spacing things out. I liked that you continued his sentence as he left the dream. That was a clever transition. The mother showed no emotion, or you didn't tell us about it, when talking of his history. Surely there would be a bit of emotion about having her son kidnapped and his aunt killed? Give us something to feast on! “This is all so crazy. Should I head their call to go to them then? I mean, what is even written on the letter? I was sort of knocked unconscious the second I opened the letter”. < Not the reaction I'd have to being kidnapped as a youngster. I kinda get if you were going for confused, perhaps, after being unconscious? Also, 'Heed' is the word you were looking for. “That’s the thing Ysgrim, the letter dissolved into fire the second you dropped it and fell asleep. < If the letter dissolved then how did she get to see the signature? That was how she'd identified it as being The Blades, right? When the mother explained the history between his father and the aunt you overused the "sort of" which seems out of place again. I don't know if the formatting during the sleep scene was needed? The underlining was just distracting. If you need to pull attention to something powerful and shouted there are other ways. Describe it. Maybe the words hurt his ears? Maybe that's all there was were the words? You used bolden to highlight another person/being in the dream, which again could be done other ways. Do they have lollipops in Skyrim? Overall thoughts: It's definitely something but I feel like you could explore it further and delve deeper. This feels like a plot but it's only the skeleton of the story. Give us immersion. By going into the finer and more beautiful details you'll also find that the creativity block you are experiencing will disappear. I always find that the more I can give when my writing is suffering the more I can get into it. It feels like you didn't get inside this story. I'm sorry. I like the premise, I like where it could go, unfortunately I liked J’zargo more than the main-character - so be careful there. It has a world of possibilities. Don't give up but do go back and edit. Enjoy fleshing out something that could definitely be a something! Thanks for the review. I will go through it and edit here and there to fix the current problems. I'll also add some detail. Once more, thanks for the help. |
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