"Modern" Fantasy Project - Prologue Part 1

[WJChesek ((Evern))]

The orange glow of the setting sun lit up the city below, reflecting off the windows of the buildings almost painfully. Yet that didn't stop the two men from looking down upon it. The first man was tall, and aged, in his mid fifties. His hear was grey, and his hands gnarled. He wore a brown coat over a matching vest and tie. His grey eyes didn't even seem to notice the city below. His face was lined with his age, all the times he'd laughed were written plain around his eyes. And all the times he'd frowned were etched into his cheeks. Above his creased brow were the marks of worry, they only deepened with his current expression.

"No. That way won't lead to anything good." He spoke, his voice gravelly and taken by the years he'd spent smoking from a pipe.

The second man was younger, perhaps in his mid thirties, and he looked at the older man with a mixture of surprise and confusion. His hair, blonde and long, was combed out of his face, and tied back into a tail. He had a close trimmed beard, but no mustache. Blue piercing eyes tried to size up the older man, as if unsure of his decision. He too, wore a coat, though his was black. And the suit beneath was also black, though his tie was free to blow in the breeze.

"What? You said it yourself, this is a blessing. Like all blessings, it should be shared." He spoke, reaching a hand out to touch the older man's shoulder. "You want us to simply continue on as we have?"

A shadow eclipsed over the pair, and the older man looked up, his grey eyes spotting the massive zeppelin as it shaded them from the sun. The dirigible drifted lazily towards the city, it's engines barely audible to the pair.

He sighed, returning his attention to the city. "No, but we can't do as you suggest either. Others have tried it in the past."

"Then we can succeed where they failed!" The younger went on, turning the older man to face him. "We can learn from their mistakes, their failures. We can do this, I'm sure of it!"

The older man shook his head, closing his eyes and setting both his hands on the younger man's shoulders. "So young... So like I was... Listen to me, son. The world at large is too afraid, too scared. The people aren't prepared for this secret."

"And we are? You showed me the figures, Hal, you know as well as I do what will happen if we don't act." The blonde man nearly growled at the older man, his nostrils flaring. "What do you suggest we do, then?"

Hal shook his head. "I'm not sure, David. I just want to do right by my family. By my pack. Especially my daughter."

David smirked, scratching at his golden beard. "Hal, for all you talk about your daughter... It's a wonder I haven't met her yet."

"I don't think so, David. " The older man spoke, with a fair amount of conviction. His previous defeated attitude faded for something more forceful. More powerful. "We won't speak again." He turned away from the city, and started towards his automobile, only to be stopped by one of the younger man's calls.

"So is that how it goes then? You take me in, show me this wonderful and amazing world that I never thought existed! Right under my nose too!" His eyes flashed with anger, and he took a step towards Hal, who never once turned around. "And then you decide you want to walk out as quickly as you came in? You came to me Hal. You came to me. And now I'm going to do what you can't."

Hal merely started walking again. "If you come near my family, David," he growled, "you won't live long enough to regret it."

As Hal drove off in his car, David turned back towards the city, the zeppelin that passed by overhead already almost to the city. "...We'll see, old friend. We'll see..."

[James]

Which brings us to rule number seven: AVOID THE GROCERY-LIST APPROACH TO DESCRIBING CHARACTERS.” – Terry Brooks

... that was my biggest problem with this piece. As I've said to Tam and others, it's okay to go "he had this colour eyes and his hair was so so and he was tall but slim" every once in a while. But you have to be careful when to use it. At the start of a prologue? No. It doesn't give the story any flow. It's a dead start. There's no impetus. And secondly, I knew I was going to get another paragraph describing the other man as well.

Solution? Gradually unveil a character. You could have said:

The orange glow of the setting sun lit up the city below, reflecting off the windows of the buildings almost painfully. Yet that didn't stop two pairs of eyes from looking down upon it, one piercing blue and the other made up of a colourless grey. The taller of the two men surveyed the streets as his brown coat twitched in the wind, the lines upon his face tightening as he frowned.

"No. That way won't lead to anything good." He spoke, his voice gravelly and taken by the years he'd spent smoking from a pipe; a hint of concern still evident behind the tobacco mask.

So you're still giving us some descriptions about the man, but you're not doing it as if we're reading a shopping list. Do you see? Also it's just far more entertaining to read it that way, it brings characters more to life.

Besides that, it looked like a pretty decent beginning. I would like to see the dialogue a little more separated and a little more believable. The first one is easily fixed because instead of condensing your descriptions into the first three paragraphs, you can slowly describe the characters as the conversation takes place. It allows you to insert some longer paragraphs in between a block of dialogue. The second issue is that they talk like characters, they don't talk like real people. Say the words out loud yourselves and you should hear what I mean.

I like the premise though, it looks entertaining. And there's already a hint of a conflict that looks threatening, real and intriguing.

So, basically, I think you've got a good foundation set here, Evern. But you need to polish up your delivery a little.

[WJChesek ((Evern))]

Take two, intro:

---

The orange glow of the setting sun lit up the city below, reflecting off the windows of the buildings almost painfully. Yet that didn't stop the two men from looking down upon it. "No." He spoke, his voice gravelly and taken by the years he'd spent smoking from a pipe.

"What? Why not?" The second man, reaching a hand out to touch the older man's broad shoulder started. "You want us to simply continue on as we have?"

A shadow eclipsed the pair, and the older man looked up, his grey eyes spotting the massive zeppelin as it shaded them from the sun. The dirigible drifted lazily towards the city, it's engines barely audible.

He sighed, returning his attention to the city. "No, but we can't do as you suggest either. Others have tried it in the past."
"Then we can succeed where they failed!" The younger went on, turning the older man to face him, his blue eyes piercing and young. "We can learn from their mistakes, their failures. We can do this, I'm sure of it!" His blue eyes piercing and young.

The older man shook his head, closing his eyes and setting both of his weathered hands on the younger man's slim shoulders. " Listen to me, son. The world at large is too afraid, too scared. The people aren't prepared for the truth."

"And we are? Hal, when you told me I was frightened out of my mind. But time and experience taught me that this- What others view as a curse- It isn't, Hal." The blonde man nearly growled at the older man, the nostrils on his hooked nose flaring. An unspoken question went between them.

Hal shook his head, his weathered lines deepening as he thought. "I'm not sure, David. I just want to do right by my family. By my pack. Especially my daughter." He chuckled coldly. "Took me a while to learn that."

David frowned, scratching at his golden beard, his ponytail fluttering in a sudden breeze. "So you admit it. You don't have an alternative."

The older man stuck his hands in his pockets, halting most of his own coat from whipping in the wind. "No. Neither of us do."
"I'm going through with my plan, Hal." David turned back to face the city, looping his thumbs into his belt. "For the good of all of us."

Hal turned to walk towards his automobile, shaking his head sadly. "I'll stop you. " It was all he said, leaving his younger counterpart to his thoughts before he stepped into the vehicle and shut the door.

As Hal drove off in his car, David glanced up to the sky, noting the zeppelin's progress. "...We'll see, old friend. We'll see..."

---

The artificial lights shone harshly, reflecting pink on the walls and floor. The room itself was empty, bare of most anything save a few pieces of spartan furniture, and several flood lights, brought in by the police officers who originally took the case. A door creaked open, and two people entered, each a stark contrast to the other.

The first was small and female, she stepped right up to the blood pool in the center of the room, and the white chalk outline of where the body was on the ground, and squatted, taking care not to get too close to the evidence. The second hung back, tall, and clearly uncomfortable in the situation, as he stared at everything but what was important.

She sniffed, tilting her head to the side, and looking around, one hand waving over the outline in an effort to recognize the shape of the body, what it must have looked like, how the event happened. Bright grey eyes gleamed out at the room, taking in every visual detail, while her nose did the same with a few whiffs of the air.

The man grumbled. "Do you have to sniff like that? It's weirding me out." He frowned, busying himself with adjusting his gleaming brass badge.

She simply ignored him, reaching a hand up to brush a loose strand of brown hair out of her face, tucking it behind a small ear. The hair itself was cut short, presumably to keep it out of the way in most situations. "I'd say you could leave, Bob, if I didn't need you to tell me what your detectives came up with." She took another whiff, then nodded. "Alright, lay it on me, Bob."

Officer Bob sighed, glad for the distraction from the scene of whatever heinous crime had been committed here. A long hand withdrew the pad of paper from his belt, and he started to flip through it, stopping when he got to the current crime's notes. "Alright- The vic is a Caucasian male; age thirty, brown hair and eyes. He was found there with a cracked skull, seven broken ribs, two collapsed lungs," he rattled off the list with efficiency, having done this several times before, "Coroner found bruising around the neck, suggesting that he was strangled. The body in the other room was female, age twenty-seven, with the same strangulation marks around her neck as the-"

She cut him off with a wave of her hand, frowning. "We went over her in the bedroom, Bob." She shook her head, then stood, and stuck her hands in her pockets, turning her grey eyes to the uniformed officer. "Here's what I figure; our killer comes in the window, there," she removed a hand from her pocket to point at a nearby window, seemingly undamaged, "And goes to do his deed with the lovely lady in the bedroom. He finishes, just as the husband comes home. Both are surprised, the killer recovers first, and they start to brawl. Our killer got in a good many kicks, knocked hubby against the end table there." She nodded. "Then, jumped on top and started the strangling." She shook her head. "Left by the same way he entered. Through the window."

Bob struggled to write all that she rambled off down, nodding as he went. "So, you think you can catch this guy?" He asked, scribbling a bit of his own thoughts down afterwards before looking up at her for a reaction.

She simply smirked, then shrugged. "I'll let you know, Bob." She chuckled, then looked at the window, only seeing her reflection, that of a confident young woman in men's clothing. "Mind driving me home?"