Match Eight

[James]

The Beginning

Vitkor licked the thick red blood from his fingers, one by one, enjoying the copper, warm taste. After he finished he hummed lightly, the deteriorating throat causing it to sound a lot more rash. His yellow eyes peered towards his victim as the gentle moonlight glanced through the open window. It was how he had gained access to the girl’s house.

"That's the beautiful thing about blood, my dear," Vitkor leaned up on his knees towards the girl. She was on the floor, her guts poured out to the side, her belly split from neck to navel. Vitkor dipped his hand in to the open chasm of her torso and pulled another piece of flesh to eat. "Not only does it keep you alive ... it also tastes great."

Truth be told, he was surprised she was still alive. She was barely an adult and had fought well, scratching him a few times before she fell. Vitkor had crept into her mind and pulled it down with shadow claws causing her to go crazy. He'd then used a small dagger to make pretty work of her delicate white stomach. Now she laid crumpled on the floor her breathing short and shallow with her eyes glazed over. Her mouth hung open in terror and her mind screamed.

It had all been so easy.

[James]

Entry One

Vitkor licked the thick red blood from his fingers, one by one, enjoying the copper, warm taste. After he finished he hummed lightly, the deteriorating throat causing it to sound a lot more rash. His yellow eyes peered towards his victim as the gentle moonlight glanced through the open window. It was how he had gained access to the girl’s house.

"That's the beautiful thing about blood, my dear," Vitkor leaned up on his knees towards the girl. She was on the floor, her guts poured out to the side, her belly split from neck to navel. Vitkor dipped his hand in to the open chasm of her torso and pulled another piece of flesh to eat. "Not only does it keep you alive ... it also tastes great."

Truth be told, he was surprised she was still alive. She was barely an adult and had fought well, scratching him a few times before she fell. Vitkor had crept into her mind and pulled it down with shadow claws causing her to go crazy. He'd then used a small dagger to make pretty work of her delicate white stomach. Now she laid crumpled on the floor her breathing short and shallow with her eyes glazed over. Her mouth hung open in terror and her mind screamed.

It had all been so easy. Infiltrating her life, getting into her home, ripping apart her mind. He had expected so much more resistance than this. But, once again, humans proved just how weak of will they were. He dug into the flesh, enjoying the taste perhaps a bit too much than he should have been.

The cool night air carried the sound of voices to his ears. Vitkor looked up from his meal and hissed, an unnatural sound piercing the night. He grabbed another bit of flesh quickly and ran off, leaving a very short trail of blood behind hinting in which direction he had gone. The door to the room flew open just seconds later, barely missing his escape.

Someone began to gag as the smell of the girl’s innards reached them. Into the room walked a large man; a rather imposing sight compared to those around him. He stood a good five inches taller than the rest of them and was clearly better built. Behind him walked another man with a small beard, not quite as imposing, but still carrying an air of superiority. The others began to spread out around the room, giving the two men their space.

The bearded man bent over and began to examine the body. He put quickly put a glove on and stuck his hand into her innards, showing no signs of nausea. The girl whimpered a bit, clearly on the verge of death.

“What do you think Louie?” The smaller man stood up, glancing at the girl for a quick second. “Is this our guy?”

Louie, the bigger man, also glanced quickly at the body and allowed a look of disgust to creep onto his face. “I’d say so. Got all the right signs. Torn up girl, cut open… Is anything missing?” The bearded man bent back down again to examine the girl.

“Yeah. We got parts of the intestines missing, not too mention everything that’s on the floor. I’m amazed she’s still alive.” After he mentioned this. Louie quickly reached for his gun. The bearded man stepped out of the way, knowing what was coming. With no expression on his face, Louie shot the girl in the head, putting her out of her misery. A few of the other men in the room turned to look at him. The bearded man glared back at them. “What? You saw her. Think we could have done anything to save her?” Not one of the other men said anything. “Thought so.” He turned and spoke in low tones, only meant for Louie to hear. “Whoever he is, boss, he’s damn good.”

Louie nodded and rubbed his chin. “You got that right. How he’s managed to avoid us for so long is beyond me.” He shook his head. “But we’ll find this one, just like we found all the rest. There’s only so many places a demon can hide from me.”
Vitkor, who had been hiding in a nearby bush., had heard everything that was going on. He hissed again, followed by a low guttural growl. Some of the men in the room had heard this and started towards the window, but Vitkor was already far gone before any of them could know he was there.

~~~~~~

The window creaked loudly, and the woman shot straight up in her bed. Was someone trying to break into her home? She flicked on the light, but didn’t see anything. The window was still closed, and the bush outside of it was scraping up against it, creating an eerie creaking noise. She had been jolted awake by a bush. Inwardly, she had to laugh at herself.

As she was going to lie back down, she saw a shadow out of the corner of her eye. She turned in that direction and screamed. Standing in one of the corners of her room was a man unlike any person she had ever seen before. Small scars riddled his gray face. His throat looked as though the skin had begun to melt away, some of the muscle underneath being exposed. The rest of his body looked the same as his face, with skin the color of a decaying corpse. He wore a large trench coat covering his torso, and a green pair of torn up, baggy shorts. The ends of his fingertips were blood red.

“Hello, my darling,” he said in a gravely voice. “How lovely to see you this evening.” The man smiled a wicked grin, revealing the teeth that were rotting away and riddled with holes. She screamed again and started trying to back away from him. He took a step closer, still grinning, and she could feel something begin to tug inside her mind.

Fall to me… Shadows began to form in her eyes, starting to black out her vision. You are my prey. The shadows expanded further and further into her field of sight. She fought desperately against the mental attack, and the signs began to show on Vitkor. He began to strain, clearly struggling to tear down her mental barriers. This is simply nature, my dear. The strong eat the weak…

With a final scream, the last of her mental barriers fell. The woman was reduced to a whimpering shadow of her former self. Vitkor smiled again and reached into one of his trench coat pockets for his dagger. He pulled it out and walked towards the woman, placing the point on one end of her shirt.

“Your blood is mine now, darling.” He stabbed the dagger into her stomach and began to cut towards her throat. Her mind was so destroyed that she couldn’t even muster the ability to cry out in pain. How weak these humans were. Even the strongest of will could eventually be reduced to no more than a husk on the floor.

Suddenly, the door to the room flew open. Vitkor growled and leapt at the doorway, hoping to catch whomever the intruder was off guard. Unfortunately for him, they were ready. A strong arm reached out and grabbed his own in a tight clutch. Another came flying out of the doorway, catching him in the side of the head. He dropped the dagger to the floor, which it hit with a soft sound. The arm released Vitkor, who was clearly dazed from the blow.

“Just how long did you think you run from us, demon?” Louie walked into the room with the bearded man by his side. There was something different about him now, a certain fire in his eyes. “Did you really believe that we would never catch you?” He reached out and grabbed Vitkor by the throat, clearly anticipating the demons next move. He lifted him up off of the ground. Vitkor put up a useless struggle, trying to tear at the hand that had him. Louie tossed him to the bearded man. “Take him out of my sight. We’ll send him back in the morning.”

Vitkor struggled to get his breath back. “If you really think… I’ll go back there…”

Louie leaned in close to his face, and Vitkor could clearly see that it was no trick of the light that made his eyes seem as though they had a fire. There was actually a fire burning inside them. He backed away, clearly shocked by the sudden realization. “I think you will, unless you would prefer I kill you here.” Vitkor said nothing more, knowing better now. Louie waited another second, expecting an answer. When he got none, he turned back around. “As much as expected. Get him out of here. There’s more clean-up work to be done.”

[James]

Entry Two

The Gladiator hath fled!

[James]

Entry One's Reviews

It was a good start, and maybe a good skeleton for a story, but it needed a lot of padding. Nothing really pulled me in. He destroyed a girl’s memory in one paragraph – which could have been spaced out a lot more. Mention the memories being destroyed, the sanity, what does she see, does it hurt

I did like the description of Vitkor. That bit was the most enjoyable bit of the story. The plot-idea was also a very good idea. It was an enjoyable read, don't get me wrong! Just could have been better.

***


This was certainly one of the most “colorful” beginnings of all the matches – and there was no end of the gore, throughout. I could have almost bought

SPOILER: Click to show

Spoiler:
the nonchalance of Louie and his partner to the obvious agony of the victim, if I actually knew what these guys were? Detectives? Bounty hunters? Demon slayers of some type or another? There was really no context in the story, for me to understand why these guys did what they did, hunting demons – though apparently it had exactly nothing to do with any empathy for the victims, or “civic duty?”

And the way the end was written, it seems there remained the question of “Is Louie even human himself?” Which would explain Louie’s disregard for human life – but his partner's? Also not expounded on, was the implication of “… back there…” being hell, I would assume? Or some type of horrible, infernal prison? I get the ending was supposed to have "the twist," but it need a bit more punch, to really sell it.

***


For a short story, the plot is pretty decent. You barely had enough time with how short it was to work much on any of the characters and such, so there's not much to complain about plot wise. I would've liked to have seen a longer story, maybe have Louie fleshed out a bit more, because he intrigued me a great deal.

Grammatically, it fell a bit short. There were many errors in there that could have been avoided had you reread your piece. Some of them were just slips of the finger while typing, I expect, so it would have been worth your time to check up on those.

Overall, a decent short story, with nothing big to complain about save the grammar mistakes. And since your competitor has fled the Arena, I assume you know already, Gladiator, that you shall pass into the next round.

***

An intersting premise which could have used a bit more fleshing out. Though it is well written, I think it's a good thing your opponent didn't show up.

Strong imagery, chilling villain, but over all it didn't really do much for me. Bad guy kills girl, cops show up and identify bad guy. . . bad guy sneaks into girls room, cops show up and get bad guy with little to no adversity even though it is implied that this dude will be hard to catch. . . Seemed a little lacking; rushed perhaps?

***

Not bad. Well written, and I liked how it was formatted, but the plot didn't necessarily blow me away. If it were longer it probably could have offered a little more in that way, but overall, no real complaints. If it were up against one of the tougher entries, might not have made it, but I think it could have topped over half of the others.