Post by Marivia on May 14, 2011 15:49:26 GMT -5
Wrote something up very quick, and am hoping for constructive criticism. This is the length I wish it to be(Maybe a little longer, rather not have it shorter..), and I know it's description heavy but those are probably the two things I wouldn't want altered much. It's designed to give a general summary of my WoW RP toon Marivia, and I'm hoping it gets the point across.
Really looking for help with grammar, tenses, and the ability to understand what I'm trying to explain. I understand it perfectly (Obviously. xD) so it's tough for me to edit properly. Thanks a bunch guys. <3
What you see is what you get, and the pages of this book cover are torn and the text is smudged. A rust colored cowl with its jagged silvery spirals and it’s unkempt condition falls just above the tip this woman’s nose. The lilac skin splotched with blood and dirt can be seen in both her long elven ears and the lower part of her face where deep purple lips rest with a demented curl to their corners.
Her gangly frame had a certain teeter to it, not quite of a drunkard but more so showing the lack of attention she cared to place in each step. Sounds were sputtered past her teeth that were shifted across each other, a rough grinding noise accompanying the nonsensical utterances. Her right arm was raised, grasping lightly at the butt of the large blue gun upon her back. It emanated enchantment, which of course was accurate to its design, and the purple leather strap it was clipped to was covered in small pouches that were easily assumed to be carrying ammo.
A large arachnid skittered close behind her its size of which was comparable to a large dog. It itself seemed to match the woman, it’s coloration the same rust of her dragon scale armor and an exoskeleton scattered with spikes as dense as steel. Her mutters ceased and she turned her head to look at her companion from beneath her hood. Her words were cooed out, as a mother would speak to a young child, “Arachne, mama’s little gum drop. Are you hungry? I certainly know I am.”
As her boots tapped against the cobble of the human city her hand finally settled at her side. Her fingers drummed at the air as her rambling momentarily picked up. With a perk of her ears her steps steadied and she grew silent. The wobbling woman who had been seen before now crept silent and sound along the canal path before vanishing within an alleyway, her spider scaling the bordering building in accordance to their usual routine.
The passage merged with a few others at a fairly large nook between the cities buildings. Her hunt brought them here as the sunlit sky began to dim. Her back was flattened against one of the corner forming walls as she listened. A strong stench filled the air, alcohol, cheap as could be alcohol. A wonderful sign of what she was seeking. Someone no one would miss. A homeless man leaned against one of the stone walls, bottles and broken glass scattering his living space his consciousness already only half there.
A jerk of her head in his direction a moment before she dove from her position, her teeth clamping around his throat. It collapsed with no difficulty beneath the pressure of her bite. The man’s expression expressed horror and screams tried to come forth from his gaped mouth but no noise was heard. She backpedaled to admire her work and the human tried to crawl off, the glass upon the dirty ground digging into any exposed flesh. As her victim’s desperate struggle for survival carried on childish giggles bubbled from the woman as her spider descended and entangled the man in thick webbing.
Her steps continued as before, unsteady and mirroring her mental state. Her eyes shined past her cowl and the continuous horizontal shift of her irises tried to settle on the man. She cooed out her words softly, as she had to her companion before, “Not quite my favorite, yet you will do. Yes, you will do wonderfully.”
Really looking for help with grammar, tenses, and the ability to understand what I'm trying to explain. I understand it perfectly (Obviously. xD) so it's tough for me to edit properly. Thanks a bunch guys. <3
What you see is what you get, and the pages of this book cover are torn and the text is smudged. A rust colored cowl with its jagged silvery spirals and it’s unkempt condition falls just above the tip this woman’s nose. The lilac skin splotched with blood and dirt can be seen in both her long elven ears and the lower part of her face where deep purple lips rest with a demented curl to their corners.
Her gangly frame had a certain teeter to it, not quite of a drunkard but more so showing the lack of attention she cared to place in each step. Sounds were sputtered past her teeth that were shifted across each other, a rough grinding noise accompanying the nonsensical utterances. Her right arm was raised, grasping lightly at the butt of the large blue gun upon her back. It emanated enchantment, which of course was accurate to its design, and the purple leather strap it was clipped to was covered in small pouches that were easily assumed to be carrying ammo.
A large arachnid skittered close behind her its size of which was comparable to a large dog. It itself seemed to match the woman, it’s coloration the same rust of her dragon scale armor and an exoskeleton scattered with spikes as dense as steel. Her mutters ceased and she turned her head to look at her companion from beneath her hood. Her words were cooed out, as a mother would speak to a young child, “Arachne, mama’s little gum drop. Are you hungry? I certainly know I am.”
As her boots tapped against the cobble of the human city her hand finally settled at her side. Her fingers drummed at the air as her rambling momentarily picked up. With a perk of her ears her steps steadied and she grew silent. The wobbling woman who had been seen before now crept silent and sound along the canal path before vanishing within an alleyway, her spider scaling the bordering building in accordance to their usual routine.
The passage merged with a few others at a fairly large nook between the cities buildings. Her hunt brought them here as the sunlit sky began to dim. Her back was flattened against one of the corner forming walls as she listened. A strong stench filled the air, alcohol, cheap as could be alcohol. A wonderful sign of what she was seeking. Someone no one would miss. A homeless man leaned against one of the stone walls, bottles and broken glass scattering his living space his consciousness already only half there.
A jerk of her head in his direction a moment before she dove from her position, her teeth clamping around his throat. It collapsed with no difficulty beneath the pressure of her bite. The man’s expression expressed horror and screams tried to come forth from his gaped mouth but no noise was heard. She backpedaled to admire her work and the human tried to crawl off, the glass upon the dirty ground digging into any exposed flesh. As her victim’s desperate struggle for survival carried on childish giggles bubbled from the woman as her spider descended and entangled the man in thick webbing.
Her steps continued as before, unsteady and mirroring her mental state. Her eyes shined past her cowl and the continuous horizontal shift of her irises tried to settle on the man. She cooed out her words softly, as she had to her companion before, “Not quite my favorite, yet you will do. Yes, you will do wonderfully.”
