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Strife
May 6, 2011 21:34:56 GMT -5
Post by JMDavis ((Silver)) on May 6, 2011 21:34:56 GMT -5
Old posts are being removed, going to redo this as I'm still, apparently, coming up with new and better ideas as I go so... a lot of this is starting to become out of date.
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Allya
Senior Scribe
My Little Monster!
Posts: 2,271
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Strife
May 10, 2011 11:57:36 GMT -5
Post by Allya on May 10, 2011 11:57:36 GMT -5
First the good stuff: This was a really fun read. You do a great job of making this feel like a different universe / world while still making your characters relatable (sp?). You used common words in very unexpected ways that painted vivid images in my mind. ("hurtled toward the surface on trails of fire." = awesome) All in all if I had picked this up at a book store and read the first page I would have bought this book.
Constructive criticism:
(1) Your use of punctuation and sentence structure sometimes bothered my eye and mind a bit. The first sentence felt choppy to me and I feel there is a way to reword it and make it flow better. Basically I would say try not to use so many commas / long sentences. Descriptive sentences are great and you really pack a lot of description in there but if you have moved on to a third or fourth new point it's time to cut that sucker off. Your use of ellipses was a bit off-putting too. Personally I can read a pause like that in my mind during dialogue but using it in the narrative is disruptive.
(2) The break before the description of the seven crusades seems unnecessary. With one sentence or perhaps two you could bridge to this description by describing Davos' tense reaction to his choice to request their help. Basically it doesn't feel as though it should be its own section.
(3) I'm a bit torn about the last section. On the one hand I can really see what you are describing when I read it. I have a clear picture of who and what the Shadow Judges are. What I am not clear on is whether Perdition is the name of the Magistrate, the name of the ship, the name of fleet, etc. The first sentence of this section should be reworked to be more clear. Also a small segue into the dialogue would be helpful so I am prepared for what is about to happen. Basically I had to read this section about three times to be sure I understood what you were going for. Your description was fantastic but your setup made it a bit hard to follow.
You packed a lot of story into this short piece. You quickly immerse me in the action and manage to show me what is unique about your world without making it feel like you are "telling" me. I think if you take a fresh look at your flow and some of your sentence structures this story will be amazing.
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Strife
May 10, 2011 12:34:23 GMT -5
Post by JMDavis ((Silver)) on May 10, 2011 12:34:23 GMT -5
Thank ya! I'll work on that and edit my original post with the adjusted version! ^^
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Strife
May 10, 2011 16:34:48 GMT -5
Post by JMDavis ((Silver)) on May 10, 2011 16:34:48 GMT -5
Alright, did some editing and adjustment to the whole thing! Changed a few bits I didn't entirely like as well.
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Strife
Aug 7, 2011 0:56:05 GMT -5
Post by JMDavis ((Silver)) on Aug 7, 2011 0:56:05 GMT -5
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Strife
Aug 24, 2011 12:01:30 GMT -5
Post by JMDavis ((Silver)) on Aug 24, 2011 12:01:30 GMT -5
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Strife
Sept 4, 2011 17:55:15 GMT -5
Post by James on Sept 4, 2011 17:55:15 GMT -5
((Just so you know, Silver, I did spot your message asking for some feedback on this. I'm going to get to reading this once I finish off my last two assignments.))
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Strife
Sept 4, 2011 18:05:38 GMT -5
Post by JMDavis ((Silver)) on Sept 4, 2011 18:05:38 GMT -5
((Just so you know, Silver, I did spot your message asking for some feedback on this. I'm going to get to reading this once I finish off my last two assignments.)) ((No rush! And thank ya!)) |
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Strife
Sept 16, 2011 21:28:27 GMT -5
Post by JMDavis ((Silver)) on Sept 16, 2011 21:28:27 GMT -5
(( Holy... just realized there was a HUGE disconnect... I completely missed placing in a segment! Gah! ))
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