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Post by Matteo ((Taed)) on Jan 31, 2011 1:14:03 GMT -5
So this is the newly edited and revised copy of my Cup entry, which I'm planning on sending off to some magazines in the hope of publication. Before I do, I'd really appreciate it if one or two of you guys read it over and gave me some feedback.
Even picking out any spelling and grammar mistakes would be a huge help, but I'd really like to hear what you think of the new ending.
It clocks in around 5000 words, so I'm not expecting an -immediate- response but, you know ..... sooner would be better than later. I'm impatient to start submitting it.
Don't be gentle in the least.
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[Removed while I shop for a publisher]
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Post by James on Jan 31, 2011 15:15:40 GMT -5
((Just excellent work, Taed. It had a very Dresden-esque feel... but in space, with cockney accents. Because of that style, Xavier definitely became a personable character and the ending just re-affirmed it.
The ending was a lot better, firstly because it felt more like an ending, but secondly for just showing that yeah Xavier might be a borderline criminal in this outer space hellhole, but he's still a good guy. And ending with "And then I ran away", I thought was just a great ending for that type of story.
There's really not much else to say, just an excellent story. I didn't pick up on any mistakes... but I don't tend to, so don't quote me on that.))
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Post by Matteo ((Taed)) on Jan 31, 2011 15:22:09 GMT -5
I actually found one mistake on my own ('loom' instead of 'look') so .... yeah, I'm not going to trust your analysis there  You thought the ending was good, though? I was worried, because I thought the shift in gears might be a bit much. The start of the story may have been fairly dark in content, but it had quite a lighthearted style, I think. The ending, though, gets pretty bleak. It's not jarring? The whole reason I put in the bit with the gift money for a prosthetic was to try and lighten the tone and redeem the character somewhat, but I wasn't sure if it went far enough. |
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Post by James on Jan 31, 2011 15:27:24 GMT -5
I actually found one mistake on my own ('loom' instead of 'look') so .... yeah, I'm not going to trust your analysis there I subconsciously correct mistakes. Which makes me a horrible proof reader. I don't think it's jarring at all. Like you said, while it's a lighthearted style, the content is already fairly bleak and dark. I think the initial start of the battle tells the reader that shit just got serious, so they're expecting it to get darker. And the gift money, like I said, definitely redeem the character enough in my eyes. After all he's not a great moral hero since this was based around Picaresque Novels. I mean, if you're concerned and others agree, that he still seems a bit too dark then you could add a moment of hesitation before he shoots Sens and Arthur. But I think it's fine as it is. |
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Post by James on Jan 31, 2011 18:33:54 GMT -5
... without any disrespect to Walder in the slightest, I really disagree with nearly everything he said. Except maybe the use of a list in the narrative.
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Post by Matteo ((Taed)) on Jan 31, 2011 18:38:50 GMT -5
Parantheses are bad. If this is a first piece you're submitting to a magazine, ditch them. If you're a guy whose been published a few times, most editors are more flexible with writing techniques and mechanics like that, but I'm going to assume you're a newbie, so let's just say stuff like that won't win you any awards. I disagree. I think the parentheses fit the informal style of the piece. They're also integral to that little bit of humour. Ditch the parenthese and the 'that's me-that's also me' bit lose all impact. I'm assuming you meant "wind." If I had to pick a favroite paragraph from this story, this one would be it, but again, I wouldn't take your chances with the pararentheses. Thank you. *valley girl voice* Because, like obviously it would totally stink to everyone, right? We all, like, totally know that, right? *clears throat* Obviously seems so out of place. We, the readers, don't know for certain what the bar was, does, or will smell like. The "quite" also seems out of place. I couldn't tell you why. Slows down the sentence, maybe?  I meant that it stinks (obviously) because it's the district where the protein works is. I mention that again immediately after what you quoted but if it wasn't clear you're right, I should clarify it. This is the future. We don't know how far yet, but if we have the power and reason to casually bomb planets into oblivion, it seems like Hello Kitty would at least be a little dated by then, no? Plus, you'd have to get the copyright to mention their brand in the story. Also, the pink glowing eyepatch just seems a bit too out of place. You set a good scene for a sci-fi story with plausible sounding technology, and a gritty atomosphere, and this just throws off the mood. It's not really comic relief, it's just a "The hell?" moment. I like the eyepatch. It's my favourite part of the whole piece. I -should- check to see if there's a copyright issue, though. I get the reasoning for this setup of his thoughts, but I wouldn't take chances. Does Fleischer really mean that? If so, you'll want the reader to figure that on their own, not tell them. Otherwise, it looks akward. If you want his name to sound so intimidating, why not just call him The Butcher, or something equally menacing? Fleischer is German, and a reasonably common surname. I think most people already know what it means. |
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Post by J.O.N ((Dragonwing)) on Feb 1, 2011 0:16:21 GMT -5
I feel it fits the mood perfectly. I loved the story by the way, certainly got the Dresden feel to it. Not much I can say other than you're the man. |
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Post by Matteo ((Taed)) on Feb 1, 2011 15:05:08 GMT -5
Like I said, I can't write the story for you, I can only state my feelings on it. But still, pink eyepatches? It's just so out of place with the mood you've established. . . Even if I did think it was out of place (which I don't, because pulpy, campy, colourful sci-fi with dark undertones will always trump the grey, gritty, boring stuff) the pink eyepatch is integral to my favourite joke of the piece: the 'get your game face on' moment. It's all interconnected Thanks for your feedback, though, guys. I wouldn't mind a few other people commenting as well (particularly a Cup judge, so that they could weigh in on the improvements I've made) but I think I'm getting pretty close to being ready to start submitting. |
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