NotAlice vs. Meleta

[James]

And here we go, the second round of the AWR Cup. This time you have two topics. You have a genre that the story must be set in and a perspective that it must be written in. If you have any questions, just ask them in the discussion thread.

Topic: Medical Thriller
Perspective: Third Person Omniscience
Deadline: Saturday - 16/1


GOOD LUCK!

[NotAlice]

Well... my family have placed me in a rather bad mood this morning so I think finishing off has been a bit of a half hearted attempt, but I know I'm going out later so now is about the only time I have to put it up. I've done worse but I've done better. At least it's something. Don't know how on-topic it is...
Oh... needs a warning... for deffinate lol.

Hopeworth

Music filled the air with sensual and erotic melodies. The room was thick with the rich aroma of lust and sex that swam around him, filling his nostrils and seducing his senses. Evan pushed his way through the crowded dance floor, the press of naked bodies’ whispered sonnets against his burning skin. He walked purposefully over to where seating booths lined the back wall, his eyes scanning silently for a flash of red hair along the back. There she was, sitting in the furthest booth, her eyes glazed with lust as she watched the ‘dancing’ couples around the room.

Evan slid into the booth beside her, running his fingers up her thigh. She jumped and turned to face him, a broad smile breaking out across her face when she saw it was him. She leaned towards him and kissed him passionately. Evan groaned, deepening the kiss. He couldn’t believe he’d stayed away from her for so long. He was just glad to be back with her in his arms.

“I was beginning to think you weren’t going to show,” She whispered, letting her lips glide up his cheek to his ear lobe, which she bit down on gently. “I’ve missed you.”

“I got held back at work. I hope I didn’t keep you waiting too long,”

“I’ll let you off this time. But if you left it much longer I may have been inclined to join the action on the dance floor,” She lifted her head and looked out over the dance floor before grinning at him, “That’s one fine bit of meat over there with that blonde.”

He looked in the direction she was looking and saw who she was looking at. He was a big guy, muscular with a light tan. He was dancing with a small blonde and seemed to tower over her. He watched them for a few seconds. The blonde was a feisty little thing…

Evan turned back to the woman in front of him and ran his fingers through her luscious, dark red hair. She smiled at him. “I’ve missed you too Sophie,” He pulled her back to him a recaptured her lips. She deepened the kiss, plunging her tongue deep into his mouth, their tongues dancing to a song all of their own.

Beep beep! Beep beep!

Sophie pulled back from him and dug through her pockets for her phone. “Hello?”

She gave him an apologetic look as she listened to the person on the other end of the line. “Yeah… Uh huh… Sure. I’ll be there… No it won’t be a problem-… No… yeah… Okay. See you soon.” She hung up.

Evan looked at her. She sighed.

“That was my boss. He needs me back at work ASAP. Something’s come up.”

Damn… Evan smiled at her, “We’ll just have to rearrange this for another day. How does same time tomorrow sound?” He winked.

“Or,” She wrapped her arms around his neck, “How does 9 o’clock tonight sound?”

“Where at?”

“My house,” She grinned at him and placed a light kiss on his lips that left him longing for more, before vanishing into the crowd, heading towards the doors. Evan sighed. God damn! Now he just needed to wait another few hours before she’d be his. Hadn’t he waited long enough already?

He turned his attention back to the dance floor and watched dances taking place, wishing he could join in, wishing Sophie was still with him. He’d be dancing tonight. He just had to make it through the next few hours. He growled deep in his throat. Tearing his eyes away from the crowd he stood up sharply and headed for the doors, choosing the leave the club and the dancing crowds than risk joining in the fun. Sophie wouldn’t mind if he did, but he did. He wanted Sophie, only Sophie, and he’d be damned if he took someone else before he got her.

When he pushed open the club door the cold air hit him, clearing his head and his senses, removing the smell of sex and lust from his nostrils. He breathed deeply. Sighing, he headed west, the direction of his house. Maybe a nice hot shower to freshen up might pass some of the time away.


A few hours later found Evan turning in to Sophie’s street, weaving down the roads till he found the right house. He was late. He’d got stuck behind an accident and had to wait for the traffic to be redirected along another route. He growled. He was sick of waiting.

He made his way up to her door and rang the bell. It didn’t take long for her to answer. She wore only a light bathrobe tied at the waist.

“Hey,” She said, stepping back to let him pass. “I was beginning to think you weren’t going to show.”

Evan smirked, noticing the way she repeated her earlier words. “I take it that means you started without me?”

“Maybe just a little,” She closed the door and walked towards him, untying the knot as she did and letting her robe drop. His eyes ran down her body immediately and took in her oiled form. She pulled his top quickly over his head before leaning up and whispering in his ear, “I thought I’d wait for you before I had too much fun on my own.”

She brushed pasted him, making her way seductively down the corridor and through the door at the end, which Evan knew from past experience was a spare bedroom. He watched the sway of her hips till they vanished out of sight before following her down.

He looked around for her as he entered, not expecting her to be behind the door, so he received quite a shock when two hands spun him around and pushed him on the bed. He looked at the window on the far side of the room. A group of people had stopped in the middle of their walk and were now discretely trying to look through the window. Evan pointed it out.

“So we give them what they want – a show.” She sat on his lap, her thighs straddling his hips. It had his blood pounding through his veins, but it was no where near as intimate as either of them wanted. She slid down his zipper, freeing him from all restriction before wriggling over him.

Evan groaned, pulling her to him and until her nipples brushed his mouth. Goosebumps ripples across her skin. She trembled helplessly, a gasp escaping her and causing him to chuckle slightly, a sound as arousing as his touch as she arched further into him.

When he pulled away she groaned, her voice ragged as she spoke, “Oh God, I’ve missed this.”

“And I have no intention of stopping just yet,” He let his hands graze down the inside of her thighs, grazing her. She shuddered and thrust into his touch, moaning as he teasingly pulled away.

He pulled her down into a kiss using his free hand, claiming her mouth as his fingers slid into her. She moaned and his movements quickened, the pressure building up low in her stomach. She pulled away from him, pushing him back so he was lying on the bed. Out the window he could see their watchers now standing their in plain view, their gazes fixed on what they were witnessing.

Evan rolled them over and pressed himself between her legs, letting the desire flood around them. She let out a sound that was almost a growl and his plunged into her, loosing all sense of being. Letting the sweet sensations overtake his senses until the feeling of release overcame him, then everything went black. He hadn’t notice the sting in his arm as he’d plunged into her, like he hadn’t every other time it had happened.


His vision came back to him slowly and he tried to blink away the remains of the darkness. He was used to this happening, he guessed he just fell asleep after having sex with Sophie, and he never bothered to question why it only ever happened when he was at her house, and not when they were in the club. Usually he thought nothing of waking up and not remembering falling asleep, happy with the content feeling he’d acquired, but this time, he felt something was wrong.

This wasn’t the small made-up bedroom they’d been in… this wasn’t a room he recognised from her house at all. In fact, it didn’t even look like part of a house. He sat up quickly. Or at least, he tried to. His wrists and ankles had been chained to the bed frame – which was the only similarity to where he first fell asleep at. A bed. But other than that, nothing was familiar. He pulled at the chains around his wrist, growling as they bit into his skin.

“They won’t come off,”

He looked up sharply, banging the back of his head on the metal frame as he did. Sophie stood to the side of the room next to a door he hadn’t noticed when he’d given the room a quick once-over. “What?”

“You can’t just tug them and expect them to come off. They’re made from the new biometal being experimented with in the Hopeworth base.” That name tugged at the back of his mind. Hopeworth…

She sounded different as well, not like the Sophie he’d been with for the past few months. She sounded… cold? Unemotional… It was then he noticed that she had something in her hand. A needle?

“What are you doing?” He asked her as she moved away from the doorway. She just looked smug as she came towards him. It was indeed a needle she was holding, and a damn big one at that. “What the fuck!?”

He tried to lash out, fighting against the chains holding him as she lowered the needle towards him. She jabbed it roughly into his arm and he hissed in pain. What the fuck was the crazy bitch doing?

“We had a feeling you might have been getting suspicious. But, even if you hadn’t it was time to hand you in anyway. You’re ready. It’s worked.” She walked over to a counter at the far side of the room, picking up a small clear tub. Inside it Evan could see a cloudy white coloured liquid. “Your test results have been providing stronger, more positive results every time. You reacted well to our trial. Now, it’s time.”

“Time for what?” He growled. She wasn’t answering any of the questions she was making. What was going on?

“You are at your most useful now. The drug that’s been injected into your system has taken effect better than we could ever have asked for. We know who you are – what you are.” She walked back over to him and sat on the bed next to him. He didn’t react. “The drug we’ve been injecting into you has been specially created in the Hopeworth labs. It’s a fertility drug of sorts.”

Hopeworth… the military base that was experimenting with cross-human genetics and DNA? The ones believed to be trying to create some sort of superhuman army? What did he have to do with this? “If you know of what I am then you’ll know I’m infertile. No fertility drugs will work on me and you’re being ridiculous if you think they will.”

“Did I not just tell you this particular one is specially made? It will work. It has worked.”

Impossible…

No drug, however specially made, should have been able to affect him. If Hopeworth had been able to create something that was working then… how powerful was the stuff they were diving into? Human genetics was a tricky subject to work with and provided many boundaries that government would not allow to be crossed. It also brought up many ethical issues of right or wrong. The government would never allow half of what was supposed to be going on there to happen. Would they? Then again, didn’t the military often work of a law completely of its own? It was worrying stuff.

“Do you work for them? For Hopeworth?” Was that who was calling her before when they were in the club? She said her boss… if she worked for Hopeworth then, was that him wanting to talk to her to tell it was time for this… what ever this was.

“Yes. I thought you’d figure that out. I must say this recent assignment has been a thoroughly enjoyable one. Pity it had to end.”

It had all been a lie? Was that what she was saying? Meet the queen of manipulation and deception… He stayed silent.

She laughed softly. “Yes, yes I know. How awful of me to lead you on the way I did, blah blah blah. But if you don’t mind, I think I’ll go find my boss now and tell him you’re awake. I’m sure he has big plans for you.”

She left the room quickly, her words echoing through his head. He was part of a Hopeworth experiment. Hopeworth were trying to create a superhuman army. They knew what he was. They’d made him fertile. Was it hard to guess their plans? As the doors closed behind her there was only one thing racing through Evan’s mind - Get out!

[Jt]

((I finally just had to give up, and ask my friend JT to post this for me. I apologize for the delay, and if there are any errors in here, it is completely my fault for not being able to preview and edit like I’d normally do for the “final time.”

For what little it might be worth, it’s still the 16th here in Alaska, where I live. : / Still, up to the judges to assess as they see fit. ))

“Doctor Hourigan!”

With the athleticism of a natural born cross country runner, the young woman dodged and wove through the oncoming throngs filing past her on the busy sidewalk. Carefully-capped cups of caffeinated morning goodness clutched in either hand, Maggy could make out the white-coated back of her boss up ahead, deep red hair pulled back tightly in that perpetual signature pony tail, swaying with every determined step. Now, if she could only get her attention.

”Doctor Hourigan! Wait! You won’t believe-”

Pulled from her reverie by her research assistant’s insistent, yet oh-so-familiar voice, Doctor Elizabeth Hourigan looked over her shoulder – just in time to witness the rather spectacular collision of young woman and sidewalk. Natural athleticism Maggy might have in spades, but natural grace? That was a whole other thing.

“Damn Mags.” The profanity slipped from Liz’s lips without a moment’s notice as she sprinted back – not that Maggy would need any help up from her. This was Atlanta, after all – here in the heart of America’s South, a lady in obvious distress was never ignored on the streets. To a native New Yorker, such genuine graciousness and gentle politeness was a bit unnerving at first – but definitely easy to get used to. God, she could really grow to love this place.

“You all right, sweety?”

“Here, let me help you up, ma’am.”

“Well bless your heart, darlin’… Hold on now, I think I have a wet nap somewhere in my purse.”

Maggy was back on her feet long before Liz made it to her side, her face beat red and the knees of her dark scrubs a little worse for wear, but otherwise unharmed and whole. The coffee, though? That had to be written off as a complete loss, the majority of it simply darkening the sidewalk now in twin splatters that would be burned off by the end of the hour in the Georgia mid-morning heat.

“Geez Maggy, what are you doing out here? I was coming in already, just a little late” Liz laughed softly, throwing the empty containers in a nearby bin. Shaking her head, she took up the pace next to her assistant.

“No amount of coffee’s worth eating sidewalk. Not even Starbuck’s – the stuff is seriously overrated.”

The young woman stepped around the splatters with a dubious eye before she looked back up at Liz with an abashed grin. “No, Doctor Hourigan. You have a package waiting in your office. From Doctor Meir.”

To her credit, Liz’s step never faltered. Hell, she didn’t even blink.

“Thanks Mags.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Despite all the hype, and flying right in the face of all the press and the romanticizing of the place in movies and novels, there was nothing particularly awe-inspiring or fascinating to be found in the offices of the Center for Disease Control. The CDC was a government entity, after all – row upon row of same size offices with similar furnishings dotted most of the building, cookie cutter made-to-order straight from a bureaucrat’s wet dream.

Still, the vanilla sameness could not bury the fact that these walls housed some of the most singularly brilliant minds to be found in medical science, anywhere in the world. To her credit, and with a good Catholic girl’s ingrained humility, Liz never considered herself one of them. She was simply proud and contented to be here, and counted among the number working in this illustrious place.

Liz took a deep breath as she walked in her office, closing the door behind her with a soft click. Her eyes fell immediately on the yellow package Maggy set almost perfectly in the middle of her desk. There was nothing particularly distinctive about it – just a simple puffy yellow package, the kind with the protective plastic bubbles inside. Liz’s forest green eyes narrowed with a sudden rage – after all that had passed between them, all those years, the best that bastard Avi could do was… what? Send her goddamned CDs back to her in the postal equivalent of a plain brown wrapper? Son of a-

Liz took another deep breath, this time trying her damndest to swallow her temper. She fell in her chair with a growl and glared at the envelope, as if she could make it burst into flame with the force of her fury alone. Long fingers tapped out a delicate rhythm on the desktop for a moment or two before, quick as a flash, she snatched the package and tore it open.

And then stared stupidly at the envelope’s sole contents as it fell, with a decidedly anti-climatic plastic click, on the desk.

A flash drive. He’d sent her… a flash drive? There was nothing particularly special about it – he could’ve bought it any Staples or Office Depot or hell, Wal-Mart. ’I swear to God, Avi - if you’ve sent me a virus, I’m going to drive the two hours to come kick your ass personally.’

With no small amount of trepidation, Liz plugged it into the port. Her brow furrowed in consternation, wonder even, as she pulled up PDF document after document. They looked to be photocopies of lab notes, the occasional e-mail memo, all at a quick glance having to do with a ribosymal antiviral construction, if she was any judge. And damn, if she had to guess, this was… No, it couldn’t be. How in the hell? Avi’s work didn’t have a thing to do with… couldn’t be… This just made… no sense. None at all. If nothing else, Avi had the integrity of a saint – he would never stoop to stealing research, trade secrets. Not unless…

Liz’s suddenly trembling hand covered her mouth as her eyes scanned the data, knowing full well she was probably looking at the end of her career with every passing second, with absolutely no idea how this could have ever fallen into her lap. ’Dear sweet Jesus… Avi, what did you do?”

And as if in answer to her silent prayer, her eyes fell on the video file listed at the very end. Liz took yet another deep breath before clicking the icon, readying herself as best she could for what might be there.

Doctor Avi Meir. Her Avi – or at least, that was how she still thought of him. Couldn’t help but think of him. Liz wrung her hands together, willing them to stay in her lap as his face filled her computer screen. Those beautiful brown eyes, framed in lashes that would make any woman weep in jealousy, seemed to be staring right at her with an urgency that she had never seen in him before.

“Liz… I… Is this thing working? Damn it!“ The scene panned suddenly to the ceiling of his Birmingham apartment, and then back again to his handsome face, the worried wrinkles in his brow utterly out of place and new to Liz’s eyes.

“Liz,” he continued, obviously trying to pace himself, and speak as clearly as possible, “If you’re watching this right now, that means I’m probably dead.”

Avi laughed then, that familiar, self-deprecating chuckle still somehow ringing warm and clear through her computer speakers despite the horror of his words. He ran his hands through his curly black hair, trying to gather his thoughts again. “Yeah, I know. Corny as hell, right? But hon, it’s true. And if you’ve seen what’s on this drive, you might begin to guess why. There’s so much to tell you, and I’m sorry for dragging you anywhere near this. There’s just no one else I can… trust...” He laughed again this time, shaking his head as if to clear it before continuing on.

“Just full of the clichés today, huh? First things first though – and this is my last chance to tell you. I love you Liz. Always have. Still do. I should’ve married you at the JP in Syracuse – just said the hell with our families and done it. There’s not a lot of regrets I have in this world, but that? Yeah… “ Avi’s image sighed for a moment before he continued. “I do love you, Liz. Which is why it’s probably one of the cruelest things in the world I’m about to do, leaving this shit storm in your lap. But baby, there’s no one left… “

[Jt]

~*~*~*~*~*~

Avi said as casual a “good night” to his secretary as he could manage before laying the package on the edge of her desk. The smiling, plump, middle-aged woman returned his farewell with a small wave before she went back to sorting the same old pile of correspondence that she would, as always, drop off in the mailbox on her way to the car garage.

“See you tomorrow, Doctor Meir,” she said sweetly, that soft Southern drawl only adding a certain undefinable charm to the gentle woman’s face, “Take care driving home now, darlin’ . Radio says there’s been at least two accidents on 459 so far this afternoon.”

“I will, Evelyn,” he reassured her. Avi threw her a last quick smile over his shoulder before he pulled his jacket a bit higher around his neck and readied his umbrella. He had learned to love his new home here in the heart of the American South, securing one of those prize jobs with the University of Alabama medical research labs – but damn were these spring thunderstorms something to behold. Sure, New York could see its share of storms, but nothing like the ferocity of these Southern monsoons – and forget about the unnerving wail of tornado sirens…

The walk between the UAB building he worked in and the Veteran’s Administration parking garage he used wasn’t that far at all - thankfully. The umbrella he had been holding against the rain’s onslaught was turned inside out in ten seconds flat, broken and useless and more than a little hindrance in his hands as he broke into a run. His footfalls on the rain-soaked sidewalks were punctuated by the not-so-distant rolls of thunder as he leapt to the street during a lull in the traffic – and right into a goddamned miniature river. The splash soaked his leg near up to his calf in cold water, but there was no help for it now as he dashed into the darkness of the car garage’s stairwell.

Avi shook himself off in the gray gloom, stomping one especially squishy shoe repeatedly on the concrete – for all the good that would do. He passed no one as he climbed the stairs to the third level and walked out into the garage itself - empty of everything and everyone, it seemed, but the endless rows of cars. Avi walked as sedately as he could manage to his silver Mercedes - a damn good deal he got too, with the plant right there in Tuscaloosa. He refused, absolutely refused to wince before he hit the remote keyless entry on the chain in his hand.

But no, there was no explosion - just the familiar chiming and the solid thunk as the locks disengaged. Avi couldn’t refuse himself the small sigh of relief that welled up in his chest – though he did manage to avoid looking like a paranoid fool by checking his undercarriage for anything… unusual. The young doctor slid into the car, the clean, familiar smell of new leather greeting him as he turned the key in the ignition.

The car’s engine did nothing but purr into life, earning a much larger sigh of relief this time as he rested his head on his hands over the steering wheel. He just didn’t know how much longer he could go on like this, waiting for the worst at every turn. He had been so sure he was caught, stone cold busted when the files had just disappeared from storage. And there was no one he could turn to with this – not when the corruption traveled all the way up the food chain. Avi knew that in the passage of the tsunami of money, power and infinite greed that threatened to come crashing down on top of him, a man’s integrity wasn’t going to be worth a good damn.

Still, that integrity was his - and it was all he had left now. Avi knew he couldn’t just ignore what he knew, let them make lab rats of unsuspecting men and women. Certainly not to the ones his great grandfather had told him time and time again were the very best and bravest of all. He could still hear the beloved old man’s words, spoken slowly and clearly as he pulled up the sleeve of one of those innumerable button down cotton shirts. The numbers tattooed on his arm were faded, to be sure, after all years – but still heartbreakingly legible. “They came for us, tateleh. They didn’t leave us to die – not like the ones we trusted in the shtetl. All those GIs, Avi – the very best of men. You grow up with a heart like that. Be brave, strong - you understand me, yes?”

Avi thought of Liz then, pictured those laughing green eyes and the sweep of her flame-colored hair… Damn, he wanted to see her, just one more time. Because something very bad was coming for him like a runaway train, and Avi knew everything in his world about to leap the tracks and crash and burn-

The soft knock on his passenger side window almost sent him screaming like a little girl through the Mercedes’ roof. The lovely young woman’s blue eyes widened as a slender, delicate hand flew to her mouth, a small, embarrassed smile there at the corner of her lips.

“I’m so sor… but my car… start. Could I… jump from…?”

Avi laughed. He just couldn’t help himself. Hands still trembling, heart pounding, he shook his head at his own foolishness as he pressed the button to roll down the passenger window. “I’m sorry, miss,” he began easily, “Just startled me there for a moment. You said you needed a jump star-“

The gun appeared quite naturally in her hand, as if she had been born with it there. Her other hand slid quickly inside the car door, unlocking the latch long before he could roll the window back up. In less than a second, she slid as easily into the car as rain water down a gully.

“Good evening, Doctor Meir,” she purred almost sweetly, with only the faintest hint of a tell-tale Southern accent, “You and I – we have much to discuss. Drive.”

The smile on her face only widened, her eyes narrowing with a pleasure, as she took in the terror on his face, the shock and disbelief etched on those handsome features. Becca could feel something hot and sudden stirring in her loins as she bit the inside of her lip, just enough to hurt a little. Maybe, just maybe, there would be time for a bit of fun before the inevitable end of their little tete-a-tete.

“Drive. Please.”

[Jt]

~*~*~*~*~*~

Thomas Medina stood on the deck of his Monterey home, stone gray eyes sweeping over the a similarly gray sweep of ocean vista - a breathtaking view that only an obscene amount of money could have afforded the man who enjoyed it.

But then again, when you were the handsome, brilliant and charismatic doctor, the very same heralded genius who developed the cure for the common cold? Well – actually the holy grail of cures with a few side effects, and some rather unexpected applications, of course, that the U.S. military was more than interested in exploring.

The soft chime of the doorbell broke his self-satisfied reverie. Thomas chuckled a bit to himself as he turned to walk back inside, a quick look in the mirror as he passed revealing nothing less than his own perfectly coiffed, stunningly perfect and perpetually smiling face. Thomas never wasted a moment on false modesty – what would be the point? He had always had natural good lucks and charm and that, combined with a stunning genius and unbridled ambition, were more than sufficient to propel him from backwoods trailer trash to where he stood now – the very epitome of a self-made man. Money, power, prestige, fame, respect – all that and more were now like a second skin. No. Like Thomas’ birthright, what should have been his all along.

Thomas. Not “Tom.” And God alone couldn’t save the man who dared call him “Tommy.”

His already brilliant smile fairly shone as he greeted the golden blonde woman at his door, placing a gentle kiss for the world to see on the soft lips of her oh-so-nervous, worried face.

So very beautiful, and such a nasty, twisted-up piece of work, his little Becca. No, no, it wasn’t as if she were the first of his creations, or the only - but she was certainly his favorite. Pliant and obedient, she never questioned a thing he said, never second guessed even once anything he ordered her to do, or denied him a single desire, no matter the cost in pain and humiliation. Hell, she’d even learned to love their little games - the more excruciating, the better…

Just. Perfect.

Well, almost.

She hadn’t quite accomplished all he’d sent her out to do. Was the good, upstanding doctor dead as a door nail? Oh yes, quite. Just one more tragic victim of crime’s blight in America’s cities, yet another carjacking statistic with a bullet hole in his once pristine brain pan, his body torched with his own car out somewhere where the kudzu grew wild.

And yet, there seemed to be a damnable fly in the proverbial ointment. One of those last pieces of information she worked out of Dr. Meir, likely to the accompaniment of his agonized screams and her moans of pleasure, had not pleased Thomas at all.

He wrapped an arm lightly around her shoulders for any passerby to see as he led her into the house, just as loving as you please. He could feel her trembling beneath him – always a good sign. “Thomas,” she began, her voice shaky and uncertain, “there was just no way to intercept-“

Thomas turned on her quick as a snake, grasping her graceful neck in one hand and slamming her head into the den’s doorframe. Becca’s eyes began to roll back into her head, her ears ringing and everything around her turning black and white, the impact almost – but not quite – enough to make her pass out. She whimpered just a little before getting her bearings back though she made no move to shove him back, or get away. Rather, soft, pleading hands touched his face, his chest, as the hand around her neck squeezed even tighter, the pain in her head blossoming now deliciously.

“He must have… known about the storage facility… for months. Copy machine… stupid damn copy… machine… saved and sent… mailed to that bitch of his… “

He would have laughed, if it wasn’t so damned ridiculous. Him? Doctor Thomas Medina? THE Doctor Thomas Medina? Defeated by a ten dollar flash drive and the goddamned U.S. Postal Service? Not a chance in hell. Still, he didn’t like excuses for piss poor performance. Excuses were like assholes, and everyone’s got one – just as his dear, old, and thankfully long dead father used to say.

“I didn’t know, baby,” Becca whispered hoarsely, half in desperation for the air her lungs were screaming for, and half delirious with pleasure as the affects of the asphyxia began to set in. “I didn’t know… he was… onto us and… “

“Shhh… Hush Becca,” Thomas crooned softly, squeezing her throat just a little tighter as he admired the way the skin pinked up around her eyes - a lovely shade of lilac really. “I know you’re going to make this right, aren’t you, my beautiful girl? No, there’s no reason to get all worked up, sweetheart. You’re going to fix this mess, and make everything all right for me again, yes? After all, I’m a goddamned American hero, you know…“

[James]

NotAlice

Spelling & Grammar - 4/5
Ease of Read - 5/5
Use of Topic - 6/10
Entertainment - 11/15
Quality - 12/15

Total: 38/50

Another good piece Alice, I think you have to be one of, if not the best of our younger writers here.

I couldn’t find many mistakes as I read through and none so glaring as to disrupt the flow. Add a wonderful pacing to the story and it was an easy read that I breezed through without any trouble.

Now, the use of topic is what you let down a little. The Medical Thriller part was excellent, I didn’t even contemplate a military genetic idea when I made the topic. And the fact you left it open at the end gave it that thriller feel. However, while you got the medical part near perfect you nearly completely forgot the perspective. Excluding, I think maybe a line; it was third person limited and not omniscience. We only saw Evan’s perspective and that cost you a good three points probably.

The story was just like last time, excellent. Again the more raunchy parts were handled tastefully and generally served a purpose for the story. I did feel that most of the suspense built was due to the fact that I knew the topic. If I had sat down without knowing it was a medical thriller I don’t think it would have been quite a success. Maybe throw in some foreshadowing of something going wrong in there if I was to offer suggestions on how to fix that.

But the writing was good, the story good. Only really the perspective let you down, Alice. Great work.

Meleta

Spelling & Grammar - 4/5
Ease of Read - 4/5
Use of Topic - 8/10
Entertainment - 13/15
Quality - 14/15

Total: 43/50

Another fantastic piece, Mel. Fantastic.

Spelling and all that jazz were nearly bang-on, and nothing was glaringly detracted from the piece. Except when you messed up the formatting, but I won’t penalise you for that. The flow was good although I felt a little out of place with the quick succession of jumping between characters and time.

Use of topic? Fantastic. Wonderful story of a Medical Thriller, even if it was what I was expecting. However the added on fact that it’s an American Hero who is also some sort of psychopath mixed it up quite nicely. Also you hit the perspective right on the head, excellent.

Entertainment value was great, I was feeling the suspense and I shook my head when Avi lowered the window because I knew what was going to happen. Avi was a great character that really oozed personality out of the story. I would have liked to see Liz do the same; the reader definitely learnt a lot about her but maybe a little more reaction to Avi’s video.

Besides that though, the writing was excellent with a nice balance between simple and more metaphorical descriptions. Read smoothly. Great work.

[Kaez]

NotAlice
Spelling & Grammar - 4/5
Ease of Read - 4/5
Use of Topic - 5/10
Entertainment - 10/15
Quality - 11/15

Total: 34/50

I'll skip over minor mistakes, because really all of the primary 'mistakes' were quite minor. I found it mildly entertaining, really. The first bit of it felt rather... well, no, definitely 'adult', and I wasn't entirely sure where you were going with that -- which, as Agro said, probably played a crucial role in my enjoyment of it. I knew that something medical was going to come in, and that was really what made it a 'thriller'. Without knowing that, I doubt it would have been quite as exciting.

In regards to the quality of the writing, really quite good -- though I think it went downhill in the medical bit of the piece, honestly. Descriptions are natural to erotic scenes. They aren't as natural to something like sitting in a stale room, and so I think it got a lot less vivid, suddenly. The only major flaw in it was really the fact that it -wasn't- omniscient. So while I give you a 4/5 for 'medical thriller', a well done portrayal of that, gotta go 1/5 for the perspective and end up with 5/10.



Mel
Spelling & Grammar - 4/5
Ease of Read - 5/5
Use of Topic - 8/10
Entertainment - 12/15
Quality - 13/15

Total: 42/50

Oh, Mel, you're the best.

Just about perfect grammatically and read like an absolute charm. Normally I'm not fond of the whole 'breaking up into multiple posts' template, but it really worked here, for obvious reasons. The use of the topic was really wonderful, especially because it was essentially three combinations of third limited instead of a more jumbled mess that third omni too often becomes.

Thoroughly entertaining throughout, though I would have liked to have seen it be a bit more fleshed out so that I could have more seriously appreciated the cast of characters. And the writing quality left very little to be desired. Just really great work with this one.

[James]

Final Scores

Meleta (85) beats NotAlice (72)