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Post by James on Jan 3, 2010 22:42:52 GMT -5
Topic: Paranormal Horror
Deadline: 9th January
Good luck!
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Post by Bloodeye the Bai Ze on Jan 8, 2010 17:45:32 GMT -5
(On guard Flar!)
The Alder Prince
"This is Doctor Stanford. Interviewing Patient 3285, Ms. Olivia Kroft, formerly Mrs. Olivia Detes. Date is January 24th, 2011. Time is 3:30 PM"
The man set the tape recorder down on the thick glass table in front of him. The older doctor, his face a weathered and wrinkled skin with a set of stern eyes and frowning mouth. He adjusted the glasses on his face cautiously and folded one leg over the other.
"Now... Olivia... I do hope we can talk a little more today. Our last meeting was... well it wasn't very productive."
He looked at the women in the chair across the table from him. She was dressed in a light blue buttoned shirt and sweatpants. Her legs were drawn up in the seat of the chair, her arms hugging them protectively. Even her toes were curled back into defensive little balls.
She still wouldn't speak.
"Please Olivia... it makes things much better for you if you open up. Believe me. I've seen patients have complete turns in their attitude from just talking. I'll tell you what. If you tell me about your experiences, then I'll be sure to have you moved to a more comfortable wing. Doesn't that sound nice?"
The young woman looked up at the doctor through her unwashed red hair. Her eyes narrowed and she let out a weary sigh.
"All... Alright. I'll tell you. But... it's so hard."
"Taking the first step always is." The doctor reassured her.
"Fine. I suppose... it... it all began with a dream..."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Do you want to come with me, dear girl?
I shall wait on you with the world;
I shall lead you in the nightly dance;
And from there you will never leave my trance...
A long pale arm reached out of the darkness for her throat. The taloned fingers wrapped around the slender neck and grasp tightly. She couldn't move. She couldn't breathe.
A set of blue eyes opened wide in front of her, followed by a fanged cheshire smile.
I love you, your form entices me;
You will fall where eyes cannot see...
Olivia's eyes opened wide as she woke from her sleep. A cold sweat drenched her body from the horrible nightmare. Her hand went to her forehead as her red hair covered her face. The midday sun glittered gold through the strands.
"God... this stress is killing me." she said to herself.
She rubbed the sleep from her eyes and got up from the couch she had been sleeping on. It a hard, worn out couch that had seen many a person seat themselves on it. It was barely comfortable, but for her at this moment, it was like a feather mattress.
She looked over at the pure white dress in the corner of the room. The long train hung out into the living room like a white spill of fabric. Immediately, all her worries seemed to lift.
She let out a happy, longing sigh. She was going to be married tomorrow. To a great guy who loved her with all his heart, just as much as she loved him.
Fairy tales were made of this kind of stuff. Too bad she didn't have any glass slippers to go with her dress.
She felt a slight rumble in her stomach. She'd been cutting back on eating the past few days, just to be sure that she'd fit in her dress tomorrow. But, she figured a little light snack from the local deli wouldn't hurt.
She stretched as she rose from the couch and went for her coat. She past by long mirror on her wall, but froze stiff and went pale. She could have sworn, for a brief second, she could see a tall, slender form in the back of the apartment, reaching for her. She spun her head around to look at the kitchen area, where she could see the figure standing, but nothing was there. She looked back at the mirror again, but still nothing was there.
"Okay... so maybe it's just hunger pains." she commented with relief. "I think some pastrami on rye will help that. Nothing like pastrami to make me feel better about everything."
It didn't take her long to get to the bottom of the stairs in her apartment building. The call of the mustard and sauerkraut laden sandwich she had promised herself was enticing. She dashed out the door to the building and out into the open street.
The day was bright and sunny, just how she liked it. And today wasn't the only day that would be so nice. Tomorrow promised to be just as beautiful. It would be perfect. No clouds in the sky at all. Her wedding pictures were going to be great! Everything looked so good. Her whole life was spread out in front of her and it all was like a dream.
"Do you want to come with me girl?"
The voice was soft and singing. It flitted through the air, accompanied by the turbulent strumming of guitar strings.
"...I shall wait on you with the world;
I shall lead you in the nightly dance;
And from there you will never leave my trance..."
Her blood fluctuated between freezing and boiling. The song was just like in her dream. It was a strong and siren-like voice that pressed into her very soul. It gave her a shivering fear, but also tugged at her heart with lustful strings.
She couldn't help but follow the song. Her feet made hasty steps at the notes. Her eyes darted back and forth to try and find the mystery musician in her mind.
"Looking for someone?"
The voice stopped her in her tracks. She looked into an alleyway right next to her. There, dressed in a dakr coat and a stetson hat of a similar black, was a man strumming on a guitar. No. It wasn't a guitar. It was older. Like what you'd see at a renaissance fair. What did they call them? Mandolins?
"You look lost, girl?" came the handsome voice again. The man's head turned to the side. He had a shock of black hair covering half of a rather pale looking face. But, it was a handsome face. Overly handsome. Almost frighteningly handsome.
"N...No I... How long have you been playing out here?" she asked hesitantly.
"Well... hard to say. I don't keep track of time." the man responded.
"I just heard that song when I was..." she stopped mid sentence and shook her head. Obviously, the song she heard in her dreams was him, but only because she must have heard it before or maybe she could actually hear it in her apartment while she was sleeping. Simple. That had to be it.
She started to chuckle warmly. The man kept looking at her with his dark blue eyes.
"Something funny?"
"No... well yes but... oh never mind." she responded, still chuckling. "I thought I was going nuts there for a second."
"They say insanity is the quickest path to reason." the man said with a grim smile.
"Who says that?" she asked with a questionable smirk. She stepped into the dark alley and up to the man.
"Like I said... they."
She was, for some odd reason, actually liking this guy. He was funny, in his own way of course, but still she couldn't help but laughing at him. However, it might be prudent to let him know about her prior engagement, in case he was getting any ideas.
"You know, that kind of sarcasm reminds me of my fiance." she said, hoping the subtly would sink in.
"He must be a lucky man." the musician replied. " Very lucky indeed."
"We both are... I guess." Olivia replied with comforting tone.
"He's lucky to have a woman so fertile." the man said, now turning his whole figure to her. He set the mandolin against the wall of the alley.
The last statement made the smile leave her face. "What do you mean by that?!"
"Fertile. To think you aren't even aware of it." Now he was steadily getting closer to her.
"Aware... of what?" Her fear was rising in her chest, but she couldn't move.
"That... you are with child."
The word "child" came out with an inhuman hiss. In a flash both of her hands were pinned to the wall of the alley. She couldn't scream, as everything had happened so quickly she hardly registered it.
The man opened his mouth, revealing several rows of sharp teeth, like a shark in human form. His hand seemed to grow stronger as they clutched her wrists like a vice.
"I love you, your form entices me;
You will fall where eyes cannot see..."
The man... whatever he was... let go of her left arm and reached toward her stomach. All of Olivia's body shook with fear as she felt his long fingertips caress her belly. Her free arm dangled free and touched something hard. She didn't care what it was. She just wanted this thing away from her.
She grasped the object as hard as she could and swung it at the monster's head.
The mandolin shattered into a million pieces as the beast stumbled back, caught off guard by the attack by the woman. It growled in pain as it let go of her and grasped the side of it's face.
She took the chance and ran. Even though the opening of the alleyway was only a few feet away, right now it felt like a a thousand yards. Every footstep she took in her strides, she could feel the beasts breath on the back of her neck.
She ran out into the sidewalk, completely unaware that she was screaming at the top of her lungs. It took a man in front of her to snap her out of the panic.
"Hey! What is it?! What's wrong?!" he stammered at the fearful women.
"IT'S TRYING TO KILL ME!!!" she screamed at him.
In an instant, nearly a dozen people were gathered around the alley, looking in. Most were saying amongst themselves that she had been attacked by a rapist or something. Maybe a mugger.
She didn't know. All she knew was that when she turned around... the beast was gone.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Many rape victims see their attackers as monsters. It's a common reaction." Doctor Stanford said without even looking up fro his notebook.
"I wasn't raped." Olivia said.
"No, you weren't. They ran a rape kit on you at the hospital right? You were fine. But, that doesn't mean someone didn't try to rape you. The long term effects are the same."
Olivia just dipped her head.
"Now... perhaps we could discuss the following ni-"
"NO!!!" She yelled. "I will not! I don't want to!"
"Olivia... all I have to do is hit this button and the guards come in. They'll drag you back to your cell and pump you full of sedative. Now, do you want that or do you want to continue talking, in this nice, comfortable , free room?"
The girl dipped her head again.
"... my wedding was beautiful."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The white bridal gown shimmered in the light of the hotel hall. Olivia skipped down, running her hand along the wall like a happy child. Even after yesterday, with what happened, she couldn't help but feel like this. Her wedding went off just how she wanted it.
Perfect. Just... perfect. How could she not be ecstatic?
She had spent the evening at the reception, having the time of her life with her new husband. But, a few minutes ago, he had complained about drinking a little too much and decided to retire to their hotel room.
The wedding suite.
he told her to stay behind and keep having fun, as he thought al he needed was a quick nap and be back down. But, she felt a little sorry for him, so she thought he might need a some company.
Besides... why not get the wedding night started early? It wasn't like anyone would hear them.
She reached the double doors of the suite and grabbed the handles of the door softly. She didn't want to wake him if he was already asleep. She opened the doors slowly and slipped in, keeping her back tot he room so she could make sure she didn't close the door too abruptly.
"Sweetie... are you asleep?" she cooed.
As she turned around, every ounce of happiness, of hope, of joy she had experienced that entire day... it fell away.
There, sitting on the end of the wedding bed, was a very tall, very slim pale figure, it was only garbed in a black loincloth. It's arms were covered in scarlet of blood. It held the nightstand bible in it's long hands, turning the pages methodically, leaving bloody fingerprints in the pages. A shock of black hair hung over a handsome face.
On the bed next to it, lay her newlywed husband, spread eagle, with blood and guts hanging all over the place. The bedposts were strung with gory tubes that she didn't even want to think was his intestines.
"It took you long enough, girl." The beast said as it rose, letting the bible drop to the ground. "I thought it was you when he came in. I was quite disappointed." The beast grabbed hold of the man's chest and reached in with it's fingers. When he withdrew them, out came the heart as well.
Olivia couldn't breathe. She felt all the life draining out of her.
"You had his heart. Now... it belongs to me." The beast opened it's toothy maw and slid the heart into it. She could see the organ travel through it's gullet as it swallowed the thing whole, not even considering swallowing. Just a large lump that slid down it's neck and into it's gut.
Olivia grabbed the door handles, but they wouldn't budge.
"Lock the door." The monster said as it walked up to her. "We don't want to be disturbed." It cam right up to her, towering over her like a giant. It had to be almost ten feet tall, with knobby limbs covered in gore.
She gave the handles a hasty push with all her might. Still, they wouldn't move.
"Now, let us begin, shall we?" It reached out for her stomach, just as it did before. The fear of it touching her was so great that she urinated right there in her dress. It slashed at her with a swipe that spread all sorts of her husband's blood all over the shimmering white and tearing away the midsection to reveal her abdomen.
The handles gave way as she toppled back, sending her sprawling into the hallway. The long arms followed after her as she clamored to her feet and began running.
Her screams echoed through the hotel... as if her soul itself was screaming as well.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Olivia sat in her cell, staring at the floor.
The doctor had come to the conclusion that the stress of her wedding, mixed with her starving herself and the event of the attempted rape had caused her to go into an uncontrollable mental state that had driven her to kill her husband.
It was the same prognosis that they had used at her trial. The same prognosis that had gotten her stuck here in this hell hole sanitarium, left without contact with the outside world.
Telling them she that she didn't kill her husband was useless anymore.
She held her protruding belly with a warm care. She hoped, that if moved to a better wing, she might be able to care for her baby. if she just sat there and nodded with the doctors comments and said "You're right" all day long, then maybe... maybe she'd be able to start over. With her baby.
A shadow loomed over her. The only light in her cell was from the night lights outside in the hall. It must have been the night guard on duty. He was a horrible pervert and liked to watch her sleep. At least he hadn't tried anything else.
"You've been dodging me, girl."
Her eyes went huge.
She didn't look up. She couldn't look up. She gripped her unborn baby and kept her eyes closed.
Go away! Go away! Go away! You don't exist!...
"OH! But I do exist!"
Clammy fingers hit her eyelids and pried them open. There was that same face. That same face she'd seen before. Always there. He was always there!
"I finally found you and at the most critical time."
"Leave me alone." Olivia whimpered with tears rolling down her face. "What do you want with me?"
"You?" The beast said with a menacing grin. She felt the familiar hand caress her stomach. "Who said... that I wanted you? I only came for you because I wanted her."
It leaned in to her ear, it's voice a whispering hiss.
"I always wanted a daughter."
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Post by Kaez on Jan 10, 2010 16:13:10 GMT -5
Bloodeye
Spelling & Grammar - 3/5
Ease of Read - 4/5
Use of Topic - 8/10
Entertainment - 11/15
Quality - 13/15
39/50
A few typos/spelling mistakes, couples with a consistent problem with the quotes (quotations can end in ?, !, ..., or a comma. Never a period. "I'm grammatically accurate," he said. Not: "I'm grammatically accurate." he said.) And that was the only thing that hindered the otherwise solid ease of read.
The use of the topic was... while not terribly original by any stretch, still very entertaining and proper, and the quality of the writing was as good as I've come to expect from you.
The entertainment... I just couldn't quite get caught up with the story in any scene but the alleyway one. The others felt like they could have used to be longer and more immersive. Not bad, not even below average, but they could have been better.
Still, a good piece, and worthy of moving on to the next round, even if you don't have a competitor.
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Post by James on Jan 10, 2010 19:45:02 GMT -5
Bloodeye
Spelling & Grammar - 2/5
Ease of Read - 3/5
Use of Topic - 8/10
Entertainment – 10/15
Quality – 11/15
Total: 34/50
I know you can take some blunt criticism Blood, so I’m going to get right into it. Firstly, there were a lot of mistakes, typos that really detracted from the piece and completely ruined the flow.
Use of topic was good, and I enjoyed the premise. I think there was something lacking in the execution though. This is something that should startle me, heck possibly frightens me, and I felt neither. After the alley scene there was a little bit of predictability to it and I struggled to enjoy it as much as I should have.
Besides the mistakes though, the writing was good and considering the length it was a quick and pleasant read except when I was shaking my head at the occasional mistake.
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Post by Jenny (Reffy) on Feb 3, 2010 14:11:54 GMT -5
Reviewer Reviewing: Bloodeye's "The Alder Prince"
- I liked the story. I did find it mildly scary but mostly creepy. I didn't really jump at anything, even the alleyway part, it was more a building of a feeling than anything.
- I didn't see the ending coming but I did know something horrible was going to happen. It built up the suspense well.
- I liked the patronizing tone of the Doctor/Psychiatrist. I think you did very well with the character.
- I liked the jumps between present and past. They weren't confusing at any point and you did not lose me as you jumped between them. (It is all too easy to lose somebody while you do those kind of jumps.)
- Unfortunately there were a lot of mistakes that could have been caught with a quick read through. Stuff like a space before a comma, speech brackets, capitals missing. It did detract a little from the story, which was a pity for such a well thought out story.
- Final comment: Very interesting read. I think you did get the paranormal feeling but not in the usual and typical way - which was nice. I really enjoyed reading it :]
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Post by The Counter Cultist(Sawyer) on Feb 3, 2010 17:26:38 GMT -5
...did I sign up for this?
Or is Xav trying to mess with me again...
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Post by ASGetty ((Zovo)) on Feb 3, 2010 17:29:03 GMT -5
You signed up. . . and then flaked out.
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Post by The Counter Cultist(Sawyer) on Feb 3, 2010 17:47:45 GMT -5
You signed up. . . and then flaked out. I do not recall signing up for this....at all.... |
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Post by Matteo ((Taed)) on Feb 3, 2010 17:51:36 GMT -5
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Post by The Counter Cultist(Sawyer) on Feb 3, 2010 18:03:22 GMT -5
Ahh that was shortly before my comps power supply blew,
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