Evern vs. Drall

[James]

And so the AWR Cup kicks off with the opening match between Evern and Drall.

Topic: Robinsonade
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robinsonade
Deadline: 9th January

Good luck!

[The Timeless One]

I fled…because they wanted me gone.

The forest was peaceful and quiet, save for the beautiful singing of the birds. Snow-capped mountains loomed off in the distance, their majestic peaks standing proud and tall. Small white clouds dotted the sky, and the sun shone brightly. Everything within the forest was out and about, including a recent addition to the ecosystem.

I fled to protect them…so they wouldn’t get hurt…

The man was dressed in worn down clothes, with rips and tears adorning the fabric of his shirt and pants. He had black hair, as well as a beard and moustache, and his face was set into an emotionless gaze. Only by looking into his green, unsettling eyes could one see the conflict and rage within him.
I fled, promising to never return…and they hated me for it…they called me a monster…

They hated him, and feared him. Because he was special…because of what he had “become”. He looked sicker and sicker every day, and his eyes had changed drastically.

His eyes, oh how they loathed him for that. They were a beautiful, healthy blue once…they had complimented him for those jewels…Carol adored him for his eyes…

But suddenly my eyes are green, some sort of disgusting green, and I’m no longer a human…I’m a monster…

He could hear the sound of running water nearby, and he moved towards it. A small stream wound it’s way through the woods. He stared at it for awhile, debating whether he should use this opportunity to his advantage. Surely animals came here to take a long drink of the fresh water. It didn’t seem to be polluted. Not yet, anyways.

Slowly, he got down to one knee and dipped a hand into the stream. The water felt so cool on his skin. It was soothing and relaxing. He let his hand trail along the surface for about two minutes, and then sunk his whole fist into the fresh water. He got up and looked again at the stream. Sensing the effects had begun to take place, he turned away and began to walk. He would wander throughout the woods for a time, and when he knew he had caught dinner, he would return.

And this is why I’m so dangerous, so deadly…because I was forced into this…

As he walked, something began to take place in the forest around him, a very subtle change, but noticeable after a few minutes. The earth where he tread across seemed to die after his passing. It became black and took on a sickly look.

I’ve learned to control it, master it. I’ve learned to do all this with something I never even wanted…

Now it wasn’t just the ground. Tree trunks took on a deadly, forbidding look. Leaves shrivelled. Small branches began to fall. The man paid no attention to the devastation taking place behind him. He was completely lost within his thoughts.

And still, they hate me…

He roared, and swung his fist around, against the bark of a tree. He winced in pain and shook his hand. Stupid. That was so stupid of him. After he had gotten over the pain, he looked back up, and saw that the tree had undergone a huge transformation after he had punched it. A huge hole had been punctured through the trunk, and the tree had a very unhealthy look to it now. The man moved out of the way, and it toppled to the ground. He looked back at the rest of his work. He frowned, and continued to walk away from the poisoned land. No, this was not his work. He didn’t ask for this. If his family and friends had never asked him to flee, none of this would have happened. They were the ones responsible for this, not him

Yes, it was they, the cause of this…and they would pay…

****

He approached the carcass, lying not far from the stream. The poor, foolish deer…but it couldn’t be helped. He had just as much right to survive as did the deer. Unfortunately for the dead animal, he could do things it could not. And that made him a survivor.

It makes you a monster…

Carol’s voice rang in his ears. No, she was the monster. Not him. This deer’s death was her doing. He had to eat, didn’t he? Had to survive.

He pressed his palm against the fur of the animal, and felt the power wash over the deer. Like everything else he touched, the deer looked skinnier, weaker. The corpse took on frightening features. This is what he was brought down to…survival using the cruellest of methods. This was no his doing. He would turn this power against those who had made him like this.

They would feel his fury.

[WJChesek ((Evern))]

Running. That was all they ever did now. And it was something Tiny was entirely unused to doing.

Timothy “Tiny” Shumaker was a large man, one whose problems were usually solved in a spray of blood, bruises, and broken teeth. Almost always these parts belonged to the problem. He was certain that somewhere, a dentist loved him.

Running just ahead of Tiny was Claire, the sole reason that Tiny was even here, now, running away from something that scared the shit out of him. Claire was using her spry athletic limbs to outrun the giant of a man, no doubt she had no idea that he was falling behind.

A thundering roar brought Tiny’s head around, only to be rewarded with a spinning view of a green and blue blur. When the motion stopped, he found himself staring into the angry nostrils of what seemed to be a vicious bear. Albeit one that was much larger than any bear Tiny had seen in his limited experience at various zoos. Its massive claws dug into his right shoulder, shredding the fabric of his jacket, and the nice white shirt beneath, and spreading blood all over the ground.

Several things happened at once. Tiny heard a small girlish shout coming from the side, the bear’s head turned to face where it came from, stepping over Tiny somewhat protectively. Then a huge branch came flying out of nowhere, smacking the bear in the cheek, drawing blood from the inside of its mouth. The bear roared in pain, stepping away from the dangerous stick and, Tiny could only assume, Claire. The branch blurred a few more times over Tiny’s face before the bear gave a final roar, and thundered from the immediate area.

Tiny let out a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding, his head dropping to the earth to look up at the green trees and blue sky. Some clouds rolling calmly across the field.

“Are you alright, Tim?” Claire asked, dropping the branch off to the side and kneeling down to fuss over his injury.

Tiny grunted, giving her a weak smile. “At least you scared it away, hon. I’ll be fine.” He started to sit up but was immediately floored by the pain in his shoulder.

“No, don’t move yet, we’ve gotta stop the bleeding.” Claire pressed her hands against his chest, tearing off his tattered sleeve and tying it around his shoulder, just next to the gaping hole. “Why’d we come here, Tim?”

Tim watched her tie the makeshift tunicate around his shoulder, the blood flow slowing. “Here? We didn’t come here, hon. We were dropped here because people are idiots.”

Claire raised a brown eyebrow at his comment, tightening the knot with a grunt as Tiny sucked in air through gritted teeth. “No. I mean. Why did we even get on that plane?”

Tiny shrugged with his good arm. “What does it matter now, Claire? We need to get out of here, before something else decides I look tasty.”

[ASGetty ((Zovo))]

Drall

Spelling & Grammar - 4/5
Ease of Read - 4/5
Use of Topic - 3/10
Entertainment - 9/15
Quality - 11/15

TOTAL - 31/50


Thoughts: What?
So, we're obviously dealing with aman who has become some manner of monster here. At first I was thinking, hey cool, Drall wrote a Robinsonade about the Hulk, nice use of topic. . . But then, stuff started dying, and the man started blaming everyone and getting all vengeful, and there was no Robinsonade. I mean, I get the idea that he ran away from everyone and everything, but I'm having a hard time believing a survival story which could have taken place in roughly ten minutes.

Things to consider; what happened to him? Who is Carol? Who is he? Now that he has to survive, how is he going to? It started off strong, I recall thinking the first two or three paragraphs were good, gripping, made me want to read it but after that it seems you lost steam or just didn't really know what to do with the piece, so you just didn't do it.

Regardless of how this piece fairs in the compeition, I would revisit it in the future because it certainly has potential.

Evern

Spelling & Grammar - 4/5
Ease of Read - 4/5
Use of Topic - 3/10
Entertainment - 5/15
Quality - 10/15

TOTAL - 26/50

Thoughts: Technical stuff looks good; except the begining/middle/end formula which traditionally makes a story a story. Many of the same things I mentioned to Drall I would apply to your own piece, but then you knew that didn't you, this isn't an honest submission, this is just something you cranked out so Drall wouldn't advance by default. Aside from spelling and grammar I really have nothing good to say about this.

[WJChesek ((Evern))]

Yeah. My heart wasn't in it. Had to get something in, and couldn't come up with anything good.

[The Timeless One]

I wanted to leave a lot of things open for the judge's interpretation, but I guess I could have done that better. Or maybe it's just an excuse to not do as much work as I could have.

My biggest regret was not mentioning Carol more, actually.

[Kaez]

Drall
Spelling & Grammar - 5/5
Ease of Read - 4/5
Use of Topic - 4/10
Entertainment - 7/15
Quality - 10/15

30/50

Well... grammatically sound! That's a good start, I suppose. In fact, even the next point of judging was hard for me to be harsh with, because it did read fairly well save moments of slight confusion, and that I can't deny.

But the use of the topic was... okay, yes, it's a rough topic to deal with, but this story was just confusing. We aren't given much at all to work with and while that can range from being a very good thing to a very bad thing, you probably ranged closer to the latter. Leaving things up to interpretation is good, but at least give us something to work with. So the topic and entertainment scores aren't high... but quality, more or less, relatively at least, is. Because I actually thought it was quite well written -- at least compared to the quality of the story itself.


Evern
Spelling & Grammar - 5/5
Ease of Read - 4/5
Use of Topic - 5/10
Entertainment - 7/15
Quality - 8/15

29/50

Spelling and grammar were solid, as far as I saw, and it read pretty fluidly throughout. The use of the topic was... meh. Meh. Like I said to Drall, I know its a rough topic, but this just doesn't quite cut it. It's a very typical scenario -- but at the very least, we do understand what the scenario is.

Entertainment wise, I was interested, but only mildly and for just the brief amount of time the post lasted. As you've confirmed, there wasn't much effort put into this, and the story and shortness make that fairly clear. The quality was disappointing, knowing what you've put out before, but again, that can be attributed to a lack of sincere effort. The choice of 'tasty' for the last word absolutely ruined the mood being formed by the dialogue and pretty much sealed a one point loss to Drall in my book.

[The Drall]

I'm actually really proud I did so well grammatically! Thanks, mate! And yeah, I could've done a lot better then I did. Ah well!

[James]

Drall

Spelling & Grammar - 5/5
Ease of Read - 4/5
Use of Topic - 3/10
Entertainment - 7/15
Quality - 11/15

Total: 30/50

Well… that was interesting.

First off, as the others have said, grammar was near spot on. There was nothing that I noticed when I was reading through, so excellent. Also because of that, the flow was nice and the read breezed by.

However…

Not really what I would have thought for a Robinsonade. Sure, it seemed to be some sort of island. Sure, he seemed to be isolated. But, it didn’t have that island survivor feel. It seems very secondary to the real story.

… I don’t know what the real story was. We have this guy/monster, cool. He kills stuff by walking on it, seems like he’s a pollution man, even cooler. There’s this woman called Carol who seems important, excellent.

And…

… Nothing. You didn’t go into details. You didn’t make me feel anything for the story and by the end I was left feeling very unfulfilled and therefore the entertainment mark took a hit. Saying that though, the writing was very good and I think it was just the execution that let you down.

Evern

Spelling & Grammar - 4/5
Ease of Read - 3/5
Use of Topic - 6/10
Entertainment - 6/15
Quality - 8/15

TOTAL - 27/50

I don’t think you really need much for me to say. Spelling was fine and therefore it had a flow to it, except the fact that there was no visible beginning or ending left me confused.

Other than that, thoroughly disappointed, mate. You had a better grasp of the topic than Drall, but there was hardly any story. We didn’t know what happened, who are they and therefore I felt nothing when I was reading it. I was mildly intrigued at what they were being chased by, but when I found out it was just a bear. Meh.

[James]

Final Score

Drall (91) beats Evern (82)

[Jenny (Reffy)]

WAY TO GO DRALLY! You really showed 'em! ;D Commiserations to Evern Have a cupcake!

[The Drall]

Nice job, Evern.

*bow*

*shake hand*

[WJChesek ((Evern))]

Jan 10, 2010 19:28:03 GMT -5 The Drall said:

Nice job, Evern.

*bow*

*shake hand*

<returns the bow, and shakes hand>

<Accepts cupcake from Reffy>

Thanks.

[The Drall]

Jan 10, 2010 19:25:41 GMT -5 Jenny (Reffy) said:

WAY TO GO DRALLY! You really showed 'em! ;D Commiserations to Evern Have a cupcake!

Thanks

I'm worried about the next round now.

[ASGetty ((Zovo))]

Jan 10, 2010 20:43:18 GMT -5 The Drall said:

Jan 10, 2010 19:25:41 GMT -5 Jenny (Reffy) said:

WAY TO GO DRALLY! You really showed 'em! ;D Commiserations to Evern Have a cupcake!

Thanks

I'm worried about the next round now.

If you can keep this level of quality, but put a little more thought into it, I think you'll do fine honestly.