Reffy vs. Wolfeh

[James]

Topic: Gothic Fiction
Deadline: 9th January

Good luck!

[Jenny (Reffy)]

((Good luck Wolfeh! May the best win!))


THE FOLLOWING STORY IS 18+. READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION.

It was midnight in Los Angeles when Alonzo Asa stalked into the alleyway. His eyes were alert and his body tense, ready to pounce. He wore a gray pin-striped suit and white shirt, covered by a long black cloak. His hair was long and jet-black, pulled back in a small pony-tail. He was looking for something as he moved down the alleyway, peeking into windows and around doors. He watched the people, searching for the right one, the supple one, the one who would give him what he needed. It was a primal need, something that he required in order to live. It was like an animal that starved for fresh meat. It was the only thing he felt, as it coursed through his veins and pounded in his ribcage.

Alonzo had once been a man. He had been born into a well off and small family in the September of 1804. His family gave him what he needed as a boy. Work, discipline, and love but he was never happy. It was at twenty-two years of age that he met the coven that changed his life forever. He had been a floater in life, not settling anywhere, and not happy with the paths that lay out before him for the choosing. He'd met the girls in a seedy-bar after drowning his sorrows with whiskey. The coven had known of his indecision and gave him an offer that proved too difficult to resist. To join them and become something else, or be forever stuck within the day-to-day loop that society crawled. What could he hope for? Become a lecturer? Follow his father's trade and become a guard? None of his options really appealed to him.

Alonzo had thought about the offer long and hard, but the coven kept the pressure on. They sent girls to his door every day. The girls would do whatever he asked, and would tell him of wonders that he could have and possess. He need only say the word. They were ladies of the night who would do what he asked because they were being paid. He knew the coven had their own motives for changing him, but he was never able to figure that out. In the end he guessed it was because they had a score to settle, but they never told him of it. Eventually his curiosity overtook his senses and he went back to the coven. The girls performed the ritual that night, prepared in advance as if they knew he would be swayed.

Back in the alleyway not a thing moved, save from the occasional homeless person or cat knocking over bins. A full moon sailed high in the night sky, highlighting everything in swaths of white and black. It was a summer night, the balmy air heavy and thick, sticking to anything it could cling too. Alonzo barely registered the heat, despite the heavy cloak and suit. His eyes shifted quickly from left to right still searching. His footsteps gentle on the road to not alert anybody of his presence.

Most people were asleep and in their beds by now, or resting after a heavy day at work. It was hard times for the people of Los Angeles. The stock-market had crashed in 2009 and money was losing its value. Jobs started disappearing as the World plunged in to recession. People did what they could to get by, and attempted to ignore the stress that permeated every millimeter of their being. One such person was Elizabeth Garner. She worked as a receptionist over at the acting agency. Daily she has to deal with people who could not afford to miss out on any opportunity to get a job. The stress of the job and having no money showed on her, badly. She had been very pretty once. She used to have long curling blond hair that tucked into the small of her back, brown curious eyes, and a slender body. Now most of that had withered a little. Her hair hung loosely, most of its curls crumpled. Her eyes had faded a little, and her body crushed inwards as if to ward off the demons of the World.

Elizabeth was currently poised on a chair near the window reading a book she had in her lap, trying to catch some cool night air and relax. It was “Alice in Wonderland,” one of her favorites. She read it often, using it as an escape mechanism from the World's struggles. Her window hung over the alleyway that Alonzo stalked. It did not take long for him to spot her. He had almost stumbled in his movements when he did. He stood for the longest time watching her thumb over the pages as she read, occasionally pushing a loose strand of hair behind her ear. He felt the dark rise in the pit of his stomach, as it always did. It was a nice feeling, he remembered. Every girl he had taken stirred up the same dark feeling that shook him with lust.

The coven had been quick to work the spell and then withdraw from the area, leaving Alonzo on the floor of the basement, wracked with pain. His eyes were closed against everything in the hope it would go away. It took him a great deal of time to sit up, feeling his body anew for the first time. Somehow the coven had changed him. His arms and legs weren't the ones he had gone into the spell with. They had become swollen with muscles. Even his chest had expanded. He had tried to stand up, almost falling over, when he felt something on his back and near the top of his buttocks. Gingerly he had reached behind his chest and felt spiny structures covered in skin, when he felt near his buttocks he felt what he could only assume was a tail. The coven had told him what he would be changed into. An Incubus. He had laughed at them, telling them it had been a tale and not real, but they had insisted it was. Now he guessed they were right.

It was as he was leaving the basement that he felt the first wave of need. It had struck him so hard that it had nearly toppled him off his feet. It whipped down his ribcage and bounded down his legs, shaking him. He needed a sweet, slender and supple girl. An innocent to take and make his slave. He wanted to ravish without caring for her. To tear her apart with ecstasy and excitement. To fulfill his need. Shocked by his new found lust, he was quick to rush home. Using the clothes he had arrived in he covered his new wings and tail as best he could. He went immediately to his room to think about what had happened. But being alone did not help, as he fought with the emotions and need. It was nearly an hour after his arrival back home that he remembered the little girl who worked the stables. She was a slave. She would give him what he wanted.

Alonzo moved along the alleyway a bit more, recovering his smooth attitude. He climbed the metal fire escape stairs up to her window, effortlessly, making it appear that this meeting had been planned between them. This direct approach worked every time. Nobody would turn away a dashing man like him, without having a natter first. All it took was a quick chat, a suggestion here, a wink there. Then she would be his to do with as he wished.

“Hello, ma'am,” he half leaned on the windowsill looking directly into her eyes.

Elizabeth had hardly seen him coming. She had been so enamored in the book she was reading. “Good evening.”

“What is that you are reading?” He purred, leaning closer so he could pretend to be interested.

“Alice in Wonderland, it's always been a favorite.”

“Good choice. Mind if I come in?” He looked directly into her eyes now, using his persuasive look to do all the talking. It was obviously working for Elizabeth had blushed and gotten out of her seat to invite him in. “Sure, I'll put the kettle on.”

The stable girl had been moving muck when Alonzo walked in, wobbling slightly. She had seen him and stopped her duties, ducking her head in the way she had always been instructed. She was young, only around seventeen, and working for her father. She had dirty blond hair that was kept short, with freckles that spread across her nose and cheeks. Alonzo didn't have to say much, he knew what she would want in ways she never knew possible. All he had to do was move, or touch, or whisper to her in a certain way. He sauntered up to her and took her arm, then gently whispered into her ear. You are mine. She had nodded, unable to say anything else. He could feel her shaking as he lead her into the back of the stables, away from other people.

It was there in the back of the stables that he sat her down, curiously gentle and removed her top. Her ample bosom fell out, barely visible in the dark. He reached out and stroked her face, then moved down her chest to her breast. She was still shaking but her emotions were numb to the situation. He took her breast into his hand, the pink flesh soft against his skin. His heartbeat sped up, knowing he was close to the tender release he needed. The sudden lust stirred in him, moved him into an almost frenzied state, as he ripped her skirt off. She yelped quietly at the rush, shocked and unsure, but unable to move from the spot. She felt trapped by his presence, as if hooked on some unseen fishing line. He leaned in closer again. You scared, girl? She nodded, tears glistening in her eyes. He purred back, I can feel it. Do not be afraid. He took her down with him then, plunging himself into her, whether she was ready or not.

Elizabeth moved to the kettle, flicking the switch to turn it on. “What's your name?”

“Alonzo,” he saw no reason in lying. “I'll take two teaspoons of sugar with my coffee, please.” Carefully he eased himself into the room, seating himself in the chair she had been sat in. He watched her work in the kitchen, preparing the drinks. He appreciated the way her hips swung as she moved occasionally, or the way she went on tippy-toes to reach the cups. Elizabeth noticed him looking at her, and blushed again. A small whisper in the back of her mind had started to nag at her about something but she ignored it.

“I'm Elizabeth,” she introduced, turning back as the kettle came back to a boil. She poured both cups and moved back to where Alonzo had taken her chair, passing his drink to him carefully. “How long are you staying in Los Angeles?” she tried.

“Not long,” Alonzo replied, carefree and easy. He had lived a long time. Long enough to have mastered the art of gently luring a lady in to a false sense of safety, letting them talk, think, and wonder. All the time the lady would speak, not realizing his thoughts, his needs. For a moment he could be normal. He liked that.

The stable girl had been his first. He had left her barely alive and losing a lot of blood. He had run from the scene; too ashamed and scared to stay, his human emotions still too raw to deal with. Confusion was rife within him, tearing his mind in two. He had enjoyed what he had done, the release had been exactly what he needed and more, but he was strewn with the guilt of what he had done to her. He never returned home and a few weeks later, while on the outskirts of the city he had heard that she had survived but was pregnant. The release did not last long and soon the gut-wrenching need was back, shaking him like a grass caught in the wind. He had to find another. He had to feel it again. He needed the sweet nectar once more.

Elizabeth settled down on the opposite seat and watched Alonzo. He was the perfect image of a man: kind, sweet, dashing, sexy, husband material perhaps. But there was a tiny whisper of worry that nagged in her head. It whispered -- run, get out! Do not let him touch you. It beat to a rhythm in her head, turning her thoughts to fear. She tried to set it from her mind but it was like a train coming down the track, to which she was tied.

“Pity you aren't staying longer,” she tripped over her words, unable to ignore the nagging thoughts, her eyes shifting from him to the cup a few times.

Alonzo took a sip from the mug, and then placed it on to the coffee table. He had seen this before. He was starting to lose his hold on her. She was listening to her conscience. “Don't worry, Lizzy,” he purred. “I won't hurt you. You know that? Don't you?”

Elizabeth moved away from Alonzo, but Alonzo was quick to move with her. Even with the quick movement he managed to keep his cool attitude as if nothing was going wrong. He knelt in front of her on one knee and stroking her cheek. “I wouldn't do a thing to hurt you, sweetheart. Look at me! Harmless, you see? I couldn't hurt you.”

“You would ...” she whispered, almost too scared to breathe.

“Lies! Come, I'll prove to you that I won't hurt you. You'll see.” Alonzo was starting to get irritated. For a moment, just a small moment, everything was normal. He liked the normal, and the way it felt, but now it was being snatched from him. Elizabeth could see his anger, but he didn't care now. She was here, he could touch her. He could take her right now. She would never be able to get away.

In a flurry of motion Alonzo let his lust take over. He lunged up, to grab her shoulders, to force her down, and then have his way with her. As he lunged up she threw her cup of coffee over him, scalding his face and neck. She was quick to dart away as Alonzo sat back, his hands covering his face as he screamed in pain.

“Get out! Get out!” Elizabeth screamed, running further away. She darted inside the bathroom and locked the door.

After a while Alonzo stopped screaming and managed to get up, hissing in pain. He moved to the sink, grabbing a tea towel and thrusting it under the cold tap. He would use it as a compress against the scald later. He moved to the window and got out onto the fire escape. His screams would have woken the neighborhood. His control over the victim already spent. She would put up a good fight. It was just not worth the effort. It would be easier for him to find a new victim, than subdue her.

Soon he was back in the alleyway and moving fast. He knew he had to get away from the area. As he ran he tried to place the cold compress to his face. Elizabeth would remember a lot, and would speak to her neighbors, possibly even phoning the police. It was time to move on. He passed from alleyway to alleyway, moving in the shadows and staying out of sight. He only slowed down when he reached the farther end of town. Only then did he lean against a wall to catch his breath and see to his face. It was not the first time his hunt had gone wrong. Women were getting stronger and resisting him, and he was getting older. Times changed.

As he tended to his face he thought back to how normal he got to feel while he was sat talking to Elizabeth. It was a curiosity to him. Now that he was older he often wondered what it would be like to just settle down. To have a wife, perhaps children, and a job; a life. A chance he had thrown away when he let the coven cast the spell. It was a two-sided coin, and he was never happy about it. On the one side he had all the lust and sex any mortal human would want, on the other there was always something missing and the need threatened to drive him crazy. The thirst was never withheld for long after an attack, and he would always be forced to hunt, but some days it grew old. He sighed and leaned further into the wall. Somewhere, off in the distance, he heard a siren wail.

[Kaez]

Ref
Spelling & Grammar - 5/5
Ease of Read - 3/5
Use of Topic - 5/10
Entertainment - 6/15
Quality - 10/15

29/50

Well, before I get to my big scenario here, best cover this first of all: grammar was spot-on.

Moving on: I'm desperately trying to figure out what I missed. I know you, I know your writing, I know your wit, I know there's something that I have overlooked and I'm convinced that once Zovo reviews this I'm going to be startled, scoff at myself, and rewrite this review. But as of now? I'm baffled.

I can't figure out precisely what it is that Alonzo is trying to do, where (and when) he is, and how he gets to be where (and when) he is. He's in the 1800s... then he's in 2009, vaguely assumed to be because of a spell. But no, he's in a basement somewhere -- or is he in the alley? I couldn't figure it out at all. He appears to be everywhere at once, doing different things. The woman just lets him in from her window? Why?

Two scenarios are going on at once, but simultaneously. I'm tempted to think that there's some hint in the fact that someone born in 1808 (and not very old, apparently) knows of a book published in 1865, but I can't quite get the grasp of what that should be telling me. Some sort of magical, time traveling thing is going on but dammit, I don't know what.

As I said, I'm convinced I've missed some crucial thing somehow, and that it will be pointed out to me soon enough, but as of now I can't understand it and have no idea if it really fits properly in the genre, because from what I gather, most of the story takes place in modern day, in LA, or -does it-? I just... I'm so confused.

EDIT: I forgot, I do owe you a compliment on the scene where you remove the quotes from the dialogue to blend it into the emotions. I liked that a good bit, and, again, searched for some sort of explanation as to what was going on in it, but found none.

[Jenny (Reffy)]

Well ... damn.

No time-travel.

Think "Interview With a Vampire" and re-read it. Fail on my behalf.

The jumping between the two time-lines was what happened in his past, and what was going on currently. The jumps into the past explained how he became an Incubus and his "needs."

I thought I made it clear enough between the jumps which was which.

{Going back to icing cupcakes "Down" that one judge didn't get what was happening. If one didn't, the others probably didn't see it either.}

[Kaez]

So it was... two different things happening at two different times, but just intermingled? That -is- quite confusing. Less so than I was confused, but even the very concept of that is tough, I'd say.

And unfortunately for that suggestion, I've never read Interview with a Vampire, so... v.v

[Jenny (Reffy)]

Well - thanks for being honest. Yes, it was two different things happening at once. The past was intended to "clue the reader in" and create a gradual feeling of terror for the girl [Elizabeth] in the present, because of what they were finding out in his past.

Fail ...

[ASGetty ((Zovo))]

Reffy

Spelling & Grammar - 5/5
Ease of Read - 3/5
Use of Topic - 8/10
Entertainment - 10/15
Quality - 13/15

Total: 39/50

Thoughts: As Kaez unwittingly pointed out, your transitions betwee present and past could use some manner of distinction, either one in italics and the other not, or something of the like. It was sometimes hard to tell what time period we were talking about from the first sentence or two of the paragraph which I could see being confusing.

I did like your use of the topic and the way you brought the same theme's forward into a world where they were no longer applicable. Once upon a time a naive little lady might welcome one such as Alanzo into their home, but not in 2009, even though he's got a supernatural way with women, times they are a changin' and folks just aren't as trusting as they used to be.

That said, your final paragraph inserted so much into the Alanzo character that isn't really mentioned throughout the rest of the story. A little internal conflict, a little bit of "searching for something more" in Alanzo's character would have done alot to flesh him out. As it stands the last paragraph was really, "Oh, by the way." and didn't really gel with the rest of the piece in that manner.

Good to see you working outside of you comfort zone, though. I was entertained, but I think you could have done more with it.

Kaez: It goes like this.

Paragraph 1: LA 2009; alleyway
Paragraph 2-3: Backstory 1800's
Paragraph 3-5: LA 2009; alleyway
Paragraph 6-7: Flashback, 1800's; Coven Basement
Paragraph 8-13: LA 2009, fire escape/outside Elizabeth's window
Paragraph 14-15: Flasback 1800's, bumpin' uglies in the barn
Paragraph 16-End: LA 2009, minor Backstory inerlude in paragraph 18

The guy was born in 1808, sometime in his teenage years he was turned into an Incubus, and has lived for 200 years (approx). Hence his familiarity with a book written in 1865.

[Jenny (Reffy)]

... but ... but ... I thought it was awesome story. Man I feel like ... ugh. Maybe its a good thing Wolfeh didn't put a piece forwards coz she would have kicked my butt. Huge failure

Bloodeye got more points than me from Kaez, but his was full of mistakes.

The Alonzo feeling at the end was maybe a patch up. I thought it was nice to end on a thought from him. The "oh, by the way" thing, that you felt was only tacked on at the end, was also brought up when he was sitting opposite Elizabeth. He wanted the normal life.

I did spend a long time thinking about this Guess I'm just not good at this.

[Kaez]

Oh, yeah, that aspect adds up now. But the fact that it didn't upon my initial reading, I think was not a fault of my reading but a fault of the story. And so, even now having a grasp on it, I really feel that I've got to stand by my grade.

[ASGetty ((Zovo))]

Jan 10, 2010 16:38:37 GMT -5 Jenny (Reffy) said:

... but ... but ... I thought it was awesome story. Man I feel like ... ugh. Maybe its a good thing Wolfeh didn't put a piece forwards coz she would have kicked my butt. Huge failure

Bloodeye got more points than me from Kaez, but his was full of mistakes.

The Alonzo feeling at the end was maybe a patch up. I thought it was nice to end on a thought from him. The "oh, by the way" thing, that you felt was only tacked on at the end, was also brought up when he was sitting opposite Elizabeth. He wanted the normal life.

I did spend a long time thinking about this Guess I'm just not good at this.

Honestly, i thought it was a good story and wanted more.
Like I said, the hings you got dinged for were really just the difficulty of the formatting. I think had you put all the flashbacks in italics so it was clear we were talking about a different time and place, you would have scored higher because there would have been less confusion.

I did get the part where he was sitting at the table with her and he considered the normalcy, but it wasn;'t really clear what was meant by that til the end.

You know how in "Interview with a Vampire" Louie really struggled with his condition. . . that would have been a good template. Regardless, it was an ambitious step outside your prefered genre, and I would definitely explore while you're out there.

[James]

Reffy

Spelling & Grammar - 5/5
Ease of Read - 3/5
Use of Topic - 7/10
Entertainment - 11/15
Quality - 11/15

TOTAL - 37/50

Well Reffy, considering how much you worried about it I think this is a good piece. Not a great piece, not your best piece, but it was good. Spelling was flawless as far as I could tell.

I agree with Zovo though, you really needed to do something to break up between the flashbacks and the present. I managed to catch onto it quickly, but as Pete showed the lesser mind might get easily confused.

Also, while I understand what you were trying to do, I did feel it was a little bit jumpy and that disrupted the flow. I think you had the right idea with combining two stories (the past and the present) into one, but I think maybe slowing down the switches might have been better. So maybe 2-3 paragraphs and then switching, unlike say one past – one present – one past.

I both liked and disliked your use of topic. I liked the fact that you brought it forward to a time we don’t usually see the Gothic genre in, it was bold and creative. However, I don’t think you quite caught that Gothic feel. It has a very distinct feel and I think you missed it by a few centimetres.

Besides the fact I felt Alonzo could have been fleshed out a little bit more, they was after all a bucket full of potential in the character you created, I enjoyed and I liked the suspense that was building. The writing was good, as always and I think you deserve a spot in the next round.

[James]

Final Score

Reffy (105) beats Wolfeh (0)

[Jenny (Reffy)]

Thank you Agro! :] The comments/notes will definitely help. I don't think this is the last of Alonzo Asa. You may see him again, in the very near future. Been talking with Mel <3!

Also - woop! 105!

[Kaez]

Jan 10, 2010 19:27:07 GMT -5 James said:

as Pete showed the lesser mind might get easily confused.

I hate you, too.