Allya
Senior Scribe
My Little Monster!
Posts: 2,271
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Post by Allya on Jan 27, 2012 13:21:47 GMT -5
I like this one but I do notice a couple of things. The last line in the second-to-last stanza needs to be reworked. It is one syllable too long and feels clunky. A suggestion would be "A mother's kiss to darling dove" but I hate it when people muck with my lines so ignore me if you're like that too. The other thing I notice is that the first line in the same stanza has the right amount of syllables but feels off because it doesn't have the same rhythm as the other lines. I would rework that one to. I think it's the short words in the middle of that line that throw it off.
The picture and story however, are quite nice and I like the form. It's nifty.
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Post by athelstan on Jan 27, 2012 13:38:28 GMT -5
Third line, fifth stanza: Thank you! I was having real trouble getting the meter for it right while still having it make grammatical sense, but your suggestion is spot-on.
The first line in the fifth stanza uses a trochaic substitution for the first foot of the line, but then "up from" tend to both be stressed in speech, I realized, and I was stressing it incorrectly. Perhaps "Gathered upon the summer fields" which is what I was going with originally before wondering if the phrasing wasn't just odd.
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Post by athelstan on Feb 4, 2012 13:05:10 GMT -5
Viveka
The river of Heaven is shadowed,
The swallows have flown to their sleep.
The trees are exhaling in dances
To stretch their exhausted old limbs
And shake off the raiment of summer.
Ascetics now, bare, unadorned.
The hushing is rushing in breezes,
A fatherly whisper of love.
So under the boughs of the autumn,
Embraced in the coils of roots,
I lie not alone, though secluded;
I'm welcome wherever I go.
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