Post by The Drall on Nov 4, 2010 16:01:25 GMT -5
(Yeah, it sucks...but hey, that's why I'm posting. I'd love any and all help.)
Fear Game: Madness Overwhelming
Prologue
He ran down the deceptively peaceful looking hallways, screaming in terror. Behind him, he could hear the wails of the dead, chasing him as he ran. Horrified, he ran faster and faster, the adrenaline in his body fueling his pumping lungs and heart with the needed energy to keep him on his feet. The shrill cries of the damned grew fainter and fainter behind him, struggling to keep up with the man. He ran through a door on his left and shut it firmly. He locked it, and shrank into a corner at the far end of the room. The man waited, and soon the cries went silent. Quietly, he let out a sigh of relief.
The moaning began again, however, and this time it came from behind a door on the left side of the room. The man's body heaved with wracking sobs of sheer fright, and he scrambled for another door on the opposite side of the room. The other door was creaking open just as he shut his own door and found himself in another hallway. He flew to the other end, took a right turn, and saw the exit. Though the lighting was very dim inside the building, outside he could see it was bright and sunny, and full of life. He was panting furiously when he reached the doors. He pushed them open.
“Thank God, thank God, thank fucking God...” he managed to get through between his wails. He shut the door behind him, ridding himself forever of that awful, awful place. The man looked around at his new environment. Tall, beautiful trees stood a majestic watch above him, the wind gently aided leaves of different colors through the air, the sun shone brightly against the blue backdrop of the sky. All was perfect. The man cast a casual glance behind him, his one last look at his prison, but it was gone. It had vanished.
He gasped. “No...no!” The trees had all vanished as well. The sky was now a depressing gray color, although there were absolutely no clouds in the sky. The sun had vanished, as well. He stood upon a barren landscape, covered knee-high in dead leaves, and the moans of the dead sounded all around him. He tried to run, but something was holding his legs in place; he couldn't see it, but it was slowly writhing its way up his lower body and up to his pelvis and torso. The noises around him got louder and louder, but he couldn't see anything. He opened his mouth to scream, but he made no sound.
And suddenly, he was no longer outside. Everything around him was black...was he dead? He must be...but wait! There was a light, and a feminine figure leaning against a far wall. He walked towards the figure, and realized that she wasn't leaning against the wall, but rather, had sharpened, wooden stakes holding her upper body there. One pierced throw each hand, two through her chest and one through her head. She was covered in gore and blood, and he felt a sudden heat as he approached her. Her clothes were in tatters, numerous holes punctured through, and half of her skin had been stripped rather messily off her body.
The man vomited on the ground next to her, disgusted by the smell and the sight. Then, the woman's eyes opened meekly to stare at the man. Horrified, he watched as she opened her blood-soaked mouth to speak, but all that came out was a huge number of spiders. They crawled down her body and up the man's. He swatted at them, but they kept coming. Then, the woman's voice sounded in the room, as well as being echoed in his mind and from the millions of tiny spiders.
“Fear the night, fear the day. Fear the empty, fear the full. Fear man, fear woman. You have been marked.”
Fear Game: Madness Overwhelming
Prologue
He ran down the deceptively peaceful looking hallways, screaming in terror. Behind him, he could hear the wails of the dead, chasing him as he ran. Horrified, he ran faster and faster, the adrenaline in his body fueling his pumping lungs and heart with the needed energy to keep him on his feet. The shrill cries of the damned grew fainter and fainter behind him, struggling to keep up with the man. He ran through a door on his left and shut it firmly. He locked it, and shrank into a corner at the far end of the room. The man waited, and soon the cries went silent. Quietly, he let out a sigh of relief.
The moaning began again, however, and this time it came from behind a door on the left side of the room. The man's body heaved with wracking sobs of sheer fright, and he scrambled for another door on the opposite side of the room. The other door was creaking open just as he shut his own door and found himself in another hallway. He flew to the other end, took a right turn, and saw the exit. Though the lighting was very dim inside the building, outside he could see it was bright and sunny, and full of life. He was panting furiously when he reached the doors. He pushed them open.
“Thank God, thank God, thank fucking God...” he managed to get through between his wails. He shut the door behind him, ridding himself forever of that awful, awful place. The man looked around at his new environment. Tall, beautiful trees stood a majestic watch above him, the wind gently aided leaves of different colors through the air, the sun shone brightly against the blue backdrop of the sky. All was perfect. The man cast a casual glance behind him, his one last look at his prison, but it was gone. It had vanished.
He gasped. “No...no!” The trees had all vanished as well. The sky was now a depressing gray color, although there were absolutely no clouds in the sky. The sun had vanished, as well. He stood upon a barren landscape, covered knee-high in dead leaves, and the moans of the dead sounded all around him. He tried to run, but something was holding his legs in place; he couldn't see it, but it was slowly writhing its way up his lower body and up to his pelvis and torso. The noises around him got louder and louder, but he couldn't see anything. He opened his mouth to scream, but he made no sound.
And suddenly, he was no longer outside. Everything around him was black...was he dead? He must be...but wait! There was a light, and a feminine figure leaning against a far wall. He walked towards the figure, and realized that she wasn't leaning against the wall, but rather, had sharpened, wooden stakes holding her upper body there. One pierced throw each hand, two through her chest and one through her head. She was covered in gore and blood, and he felt a sudden heat as he approached her. Her clothes were in tatters, numerous holes punctured through, and half of her skin had been stripped rather messily off her body.
The man vomited on the ground next to her, disgusted by the smell and the sight. Then, the woman's eyes opened meekly to stare at the man. Horrified, he watched as she opened her blood-soaked mouth to speak, but all that came out was a huge number of spiders. They crawled down her body and up the man's. He swatted at them, but they kept coming. Then, the woman's voice sounded in the room, as well as being echoed in his mind and from the millions of tiny spiders.
“Fear the night, fear the day. Fear the empty, fear the full. Fear man, fear woman. You have been marked.”
Yeah, I knew I was missing something, and I'll work on emotions, and try to stop it from becoming a narrative. I'm finding it kind of hard to do otherwise, though, what with trying to write as fast as I can, but I've been making an effort to improve the quality even if I'm working faster than normal. 
I wanted to feel his horror.