|
|
Post by ASGetty ((Zovo)) on Sept 2, 2011 11:51:29 GMT -5
Geez, why don't you just sell-out already. If anyone's buying, let me know. I could use the cash. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 2, 2011 18:10:50 GMT -5
Naleena has 0 votes on the poll, btw. Just thought I'd CORRECT THIS MISTAKE AS I HAVE MY OWN!
|
|
|
|
Post by ASGetty ((Zovo)) on Sept 2, 2011 18:13:56 GMT -5
Naleena has 0 votes on the poll, btw. Just thought I'd CORRECT THIS MISTAKE AS I HAVE MY OWN! I only glanced at it... I was working from memory. Poor enfeebled old-man memory. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 2, 2011 19:22:53 GMT -5
Marov has the most, hence the second half, if you've gotten that far. I like him better than Nyvar, but aside from that, I always thought it'd be interesting to read a story not from the 'main character's' point of view, you know? Even though the squad is sort of a main character to itself. |
|
|
|
Post by ASGetty ((Zovo)) on Sept 2, 2011 19:32:42 GMT -5
Marov has the most, hence the second half, if you've gotten that far. I like him better than Nyvar, but aside from that, I always thought it'd be interesting to read a story not from the 'main character's' point of view, you know? Even though the squad is sort of a main character to itself. From the very first chapter I've been questioning Nyvar's position as the leader of the group. For as much time as he spends unconscious or daydreaming; I'm not sure I'd want to be taking orders from a dude with that much baggage/brain-damage. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 2, 2011 19:53:51 GMT -5
Everyone in Sera is like that, now. Everyone has lost someone, maybe even everyone they hold dear. All the humans left number to about, -maybe- a couple million out of the 8 billion previously alive before E-Day. And they're scattered over a planet bigger than Earth.
|
|
|
|
Post by ASGetty ((Zovo)) on Sept 2, 2011 20:03:51 GMT -5
Everyone in Sera is like that, now. Everyone has lost someone, maybe even everyone they hold dear. All the humans left number to about, -maybe- a couple million out of the 8 billion previously alive before E-Day. And they're scattered over a planet bigger than Earth. Yeah, I've been justifying it to myself with a "beggars can't be choosers" attitiude. Nyvar is probably in charge because there ain't a lot of folk with less baggage. |
|
|
|
Post by ASGetty ((Zovo)) on Sept 9, 2011 16:17:05 GMT -5
So, I'm in the ending chapters of this and will probably finish it on my ride home today but just thought I'd drop this in here since I just read it this morning. . .
Tam, if ever in your narrative the words "monster" and "cock" appear in succession, you might want to consider rephrasing your sentence. It's surprisingly distracting.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 9, 2011 17:05:58 GMT -5
You're just a dirty, old man aren't you?  I don't recall ever having done that. Was someone cocking their gun or something? Lol |
|
|
|
Post by ASGetty ((Zovo)) on Sept 9, 2011 17:08:03 GMT -5
You're just a dirty, old man aren't you? I don't recall ever having done that. Was someone cocking their gun or something? Lol Something about a Corpser "cocking" it's head; but you conjugated the verb differently. |
|
|
|
Post by ASGetty ((Zovo)) on Sept 10, 2011 0:41:40 GMT -5
Tam... What happened between Chapter's 18 and 19? Where did Hanson come from? One moment they were entering the Medlab, something fell, then Chapter 18 ended. Then Chapter 19 picked up and Hanson was just -there- and I was supposed to know who this new character was. There's like a whole chunk of story missing there. . . The ending seemed plagued by this as well, like I just got cut off when things were just about to get good, and suddenly "Epilogue." Now that I think about it, perhaps this is due to some wonkiness in the forum it was posted? Were some of the Chapters divided up across multiple posts? Cause that would explain a lot. As is, I'm tempted to demand that you go back and finish the ending chapters, because I kinda feel cheated at this point; like the whole battle at the Slave camp, and the freeing of the slaves, and all that was completely missing. Again, this could be a symptom of the forum from which I took it, and I hope it is. Suddenly switching perspective to characters like Akun and Jason in the final chapter was a strange choice. It was like I was being asked to get to know and care about characters in the final chapter who had been but little more than background for the whole rest of the story. Also, on subtelty. I really liked the quotes at the beginning of the Chapters. They actually contained the subtelty the rest of the story was missing. They were just little things that people said that didn't so much explicitly explain what was happening; but if you gave them some thought you could find in them the answers to questions tat arise later in the story. They also, often provided a bit of foreshadowing, and the occassional red herring, which were both great. It really felt like you put a lot of thought into those little quotes, and I only wish the rest of the story and felt the same. Otherwise, I've no new gripes. I'd sort of gotten into your groove, and become comfortable with the episodic formula I mentioned before, so that was less distracting; though I'd like to see things broken up differently, and perhaps some of the frivolous violence removed. There were a few points where (keep in mind I'v never played the games, but I -know- it's based on a game) where it seemed like you contrived scenarios just to include certain aspects of the game. For instance the whole few chapters in the caves, narative wise they didn't seem really necessary. It didn't lend the characters any additional advantage since they were all captured and brought together later, and seemed more like a way to say, "Hey, remember those bat things we all hate? Imagine being stuck in cave with them, wouldn't that be terrible!" to the fans. Or, "Remember the cave level? With the Imulsion mines?" (I'm assuming there is one)
I mean, really, you could have skipped all that, had them all try to come in the front gate in the same way and end up just as captured with the same results.
Liked that Parker got his just deserts, though that whole shoot out was a little confusing. Think I'd have liked a more definitive answer on his demise, but I'll take what I can get. Akun seemed inconsistant. . . like -you- weren't even sure if he would betray the gears or not. At first he seemed to be ignorant of Parker's scheme, then later he was fully aware of the "experiments," so, he was either in on it and fully aware, or an idiot who can't put two and two together; and he didn't seem like the latter.
Wish Naleena didn't spend the whole second half of the sotry wounded. Could have placed her in Hanson's shoes, given her Hanson's dialogue and essentially redeemed her. Not sure why you didn't. Akun and Hanson felt like replacements for characters we had lost. Akun for Ven, and Hanson for Old Naleena. . . that was kind of a bummer. Damn, guess I had more gripes than I thought. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 10, 2011 1:00:07 GMT -5
Yes, there were points in the story on the other forum where I had to make a new post directly under it, because there was a limit. I figured you'd see them. Apologies for that. The switching perspectives was a choice I made in order to beef up the story and to show the action happening. Because if I just stuck with Nyvar and Marov on that part, you wouldn't see the whole battle, and that'd lead to disappointment, I believe. The caves were only there because my characters wrote themselves into the caves. At first, when I started that chapter, I had planned to go through the wilderness and into the facility straight. But as I wrote, it became as is. Also, there's something in those caves that saved them, twice. I'm sure you can figure it out when you get the last bit of the final chapter. You might want to look back through some of the older chapters, too, to make sure you got it all.
Akun was a...perhaps a mistake. I'll have to read it through, but I thought I made it out to him knowing about the experiments, but not about Parker actually -working- with the grubs. In my mind, Akun thought Parker was trying to make cloaking devices for mankind, using Wretches as a test subject. Maybe I didn't make that clear.
Hanson is in the missing part of the chapter, yep. At any rate, I'm glad you liked the quotes. I really liked tailoring them to the chapter or larger story as a whole. Thank you for the review, Zovo. I'll definitely fix the stuff to the best of my ability. |
|
