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Post by Meleta/Isoldaa on Dec 5, 2010 13:17:33 GMT -5
(( Okies, let me preface this whole commentary by admitting I did not read it all at once, but rather took short sections over time and tried to pull them together into a fuller impression. It's hard for me to give a proper overarching review because, well, it's so damn long. XD And honestly, "Gears of War" - well, this is a fanfic, and I'm just not that "into" that game, so forgive me if I just stick to the "generalities" of a story, and avoid poking at your lore? First, grammar and spelling-wise? Overall, pretty damn good. It's very difficult, I know, to catch everything all the time - more often than not, I have to read, re-read, re-read again (to the power of 20 or so) to catch everything as well (and even then? I'll still miss stuff  ) but you did a really great job editing your own work. (Or if you didn't edit, you're just naturally gifted? XD I wouldn't know... ) The flow of your piece was really good, I could follow your (the author's) train of the story easily. It was very jargon-heavy in parts, which does not help anyone not already a fan of GoW to stay pulled into the story (gotta admit, I kinda "tuned out" those parts, skimmed ahead to the next relevant sentence). Now, since this is actually a story meant to be a fanfic, that's perfectly all right - the readers already immersed in the GoW world will simply *nod* and move right along - they'll "get it." But if you're trying to pull in new readers who aren't necessarily fans of GoW? You'll have to make things just a touch clearer, concerning this lore and such. Your characters though - excellently done and nicely rounded, every one of them. They were each easy to picture, and it was obvious you crafted each one lovingly, with proper attention to detail, and especially in regard to how each would react in any given situation. The only other thing I would say? WOW is this story dialogue heavy. Seriously. At times, I genuinely wondered if I was actually reading a script, or the beginnings of a novella? Don't get me wrong - your dialogue is good and, for the most part, utterly believable for a military unit. But I don't think it's an exaggeration for me to say that a good 2/3 of your paragraphs, at least, begin with quotation marks for the beginning of something someone said. Don't get me wrong - dialogue = good, for the most part. And you really did write it well. I was just a bit offput by relative lack of narrative? Part of me would also like to see something of the "big picture," too - though since I'm not entirely sure of the purpose of your story, then maybe that's not something you're interested in. And when I say "big picture," I mean the whole great big war out there in this world, and how your characters - lowly "grunts" that they may be - are going to impact that world in a HUGE way, you know? No worries about "Mary Sue" or any such nonsense, even if it is a fanfic. But no matter what kind of reviews you get - or don't get - if this is something you enjoy doing, and if you really love this story, then do NOT let the lack of commentary from anyone else ever stop you from getting it down. Writing isn't something you do to get the approval of anyone, for any reason. It's what you do, because you love the stories in your head and the things and people you see there, and you just have to get them down. Of course it's good to have at least a few people who will read your stuff and give you honest feedback - but that's what I usually bother my friends for (God bless 'em XD ) Anything I share here at AWR - regardless of reviews/comments or lack thereof - is just because I feel like it. The practice alone makes you a better writer - and you already are a very good one, Tam. You really have a great talent, hon.  )) |
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Post by tamwyn on Dec 5, 2010 14:10:30 GMT -5
(( Okies, let me preface this whole commentary by admitting I did not read it all at once, but rather took short sections over time and tried to pull them together into a fuller impression. It's hard for me to give a proper overarching review because, well, it's so damn long. XD And honestly, "Gears of War" - well, this is a fanfic, and I'm just not that "into" that game, so forgive me if I just stick to the "generalities" of a story, and avoid poking at your lore? First, grammar and spelling-wise? Overall, pretty damn good. It's very difficult, I know, to catch everything all the time - more often than not, I have to read, re-read, re-read again (to the power of 20 or so) to catch everything as well (and even then? I'll still miss stuff ) but you did a really great job editing your own work. (Or if you didn't edit, you're just naturally gifted? XD I wouldn't know... ) The flow of your piece was really good, I could follow your (the author's) train of the story easily. It was very jargon-heavy in parts, which does not help anyone not already a fan of GoW to stay pulled into the story (gotta admit, I kinda "tuned out" those parts, skimmed ahead to the next relevant sentence). Now, since this is actually a story meant to be a fanfic, that's perfectly all right - the readers already immersed in the GoW world will simply *nod* and move right along - they'll "get it." But if you're trying to pull in new readers who aren't necessarily fans of GoW? You'll have to make things just a touch clearer, concerning this lore and such. Your characters though - excellently done and nicely rounded, every one of them. They were each easy to picture, and it was obvious you crafted each one lovingly, with proper attention to detail, and especially in regard to how each would react in any given situation. The only other thing I would say? WOW is this story dialogue heavy. Seriously. At times, I genuinely wondered if I was actually reading a script, or the beginnings of a novella? Don't get me wrong - your dialogue is good and, for the most part, utterly believable for a military unit. But I don't think it's an exaggeration for me to say that a good 2/3 of your paragraphs, at least, begin with quotation marks for the beginning of something someone said. Don't get me wrong - dialogue = good, for the most part. And you really did write it well. I was just a bit offput by relative lack of narrative? Part of me would also like to see something of the "big picture," too - though since I'm not entirely sure of the purpose of your story, then maybe that's not something you're interested in. And when I say "big picture," I mean the whole great big war out there in this world, and how your characters - lowly "grunts" that they may be - are going to impact that world in a HUGE way, you know? No worries about "Mary Sue" or any such nonsense, even if it is a fanfic. But no matter what kind of reviews you get - or don't get - if this is something you enjoy doing, and if you really love this story, then do NOT let the lack of commentary from anyone else ever stop you from getting it down. Writing isn't something you do to get the approval of anyone, for any reason. It's what you do, because you love the stories in your head and the things and people you see there, and you just have to get them down. Of course it's good to have at least a few people who will read your stuff and give you honest feedback - but that's what I usually bother my friends for (God bless 'em XD ) Anything I share here at AWR - regardless of reviews/comments or lack thereof - is just because I feel like it. The practice alone makes you a better writer - and you already are a very good one, Tam. You really have a great talent, hon. )) ((First off, thanks for reading this behemoth of a story, even though you're not a fan of it at all. That takes dedication I admire you for immensely. Thanks for all the compliments and advice and such an in depth review.  As for the dialogue, yeah, looking back on it, i see what you mean. I need to start writing more non dialogue I guess. I was so focused on bettering my dialogue I guess I went overboard with it. XD With the whole overarching story and their place in the lore of it all, I guess it isn't really made clear because I haven't finished. All this first Act is getting to know the characters and getting them into place to make a difference. I suppose I should have gotten there faster and not took so much time making this a "survival" story. I've gotten comments on this before, the story seeming like its not really going anywhere. I planned to fix that from the last chapter onward, but my muse has been quiet for some reason (little comments, I think). And I write for enjoyment and to bring enjoyment to others. Reviews and comments are what fuel my muse, though, so I am very dependent on people reading. Thanks for being a trooper and going through all this, though, again, because I know how boring it must have been reading some of this stuff. Ill take all your advice to heart.  ) |
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Jan 9, 2011 20:05:19 GMT -5
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Sensar
Author
Homonecropedopheliac and Legal Property of AWR
Posts: 6,898
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Post by Sensar on Jan 9, 2011 20:09:15 GMT -5
Hey, dude, that's awesome! Congratulations! Too bad you ditched us, or I'd say something nicer.  |
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The Drall
Junior Author
Legal Property of AWR
Nothing is true. Everything is permitted.
Posts: 3,796
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Post by The Drall on Jan 9, 2011 20:56:55 GMT -5
Duuuuuuuuuuuude.
That's amazing. Good job.
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Post by o ding on Jan 9, 2011 21:37:01 GMT -5
Lol'd at the "you're all tied" thing. Nonetheless, noice. |
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Post by Meleta/Isoldaa on Jan 9, 2011 22:53:58 GMT -5
Congratulations, hon! *cheers* |
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Post by Dylaria on Jan 9, 2011 22:58:18 GMT -5
Grats man! Breakout and fanfic of the year, not bad indeed. |
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Post by Jenny (Reffy) on Jan 10, 2011 7:07:28 GMT -5
WOOP! Grats Tam! <3  |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 10, 2011 8:57:27 GMT -5
More of a turnout than I expected. Thank you, everyone, very much. This story must be good if I get awards for it everywhere I go. XD
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Post by Meleta/Isoldaa on Jan 10, 2011 10:31:37 GMT -5
More of a turnout than I expected. Thank you, everyone, very much. This story must be good if I get awards for it everywhere I go. XD You're welcome, hon, and uh... XD Yeah, never lose that sense of modesty, that sweet humble air about you! |
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Feb 18, 2011 11:49:16 GMT -5
May I kindly request a removal of Chapter 14? I totally rewrote it, and feel like continuing the story here, regardless of readership.
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Post by James on Feb 19, 2011 0:54:25 GMT -5
Done.
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Post by ASGetty ((Zovo)) on Feb 19, 2011 2:10:07 GMT -5
More of a turnout than I expected. Thank you, everyone, very much. This story must be good if I get awards for it everywhere I go. XD Yeah, believe it or not, folks here actually kinda like you. Story's not bad either. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 19, 2011 11:10:51 GMT -5
Thank you, Agro. Haunted Echo I
Mining Way station, Outer Hollow;
1450 hours
Eventually, the glow sticks Jason had found died away, leaving them in darkness. Indicator lights winked hauntingly in the pitch black, bobbing as their owners moved with their hands stretched out in front of them. Marov took the opportunity to get some much needed rest. Leaning his head back against the wall and closing his eyes, he hoped he wasn’t going to wake up with the ceiling falling down on him or Jonesy somehow messing with something to vent all the air. However, with his finger still throbbing painfully despite the blood clotting, he fell into unconsciousness almost immediately.
“Daddy?"
Almost as immediately, at least to his perception of time, Marov’s eyes opened again, staring into the lightless room. The hair on the back of his neck stood on end as he heard something rustle against the metallic floor. His mouth felt dry as he tried to swallow, knowing deep down in his gut that there was something sinister in the room with him. He stood up with his injured hand braced against the wall, reaching for his sidearm. The hard, bone hilt felt frozen, whispers of pain exuding from it causing him to drop it in surprise. He watched its journey to the floor in what seemed like slow motion, a pale radiance glowing from the pistol.*
Somehow the gun went off as it hit the ground, the brilliant flash lighting up the immediate area for a second. Marov saw a small form fall in that fleeting moment of brightness, a cry of pain grating across his eardrums in a familiar voice. No, that couldn’t be right. She was dead.
All logical thought flew out of his head as he heard her whimpering, his body automatically moving to where he had seen the girl fall. He quickly fell to his knees, the heavy knee pads thudding against the ground as he reached out to find his little girl.*
“Daddy?”
“I’m here, darlin’,” Marov choked out, a faint light similar to his pistol illuminating his deceased daughter’s face. “I’m here. Don’t move. I’m here.”
“It hurts,” the girl replied stutteringly, luminescent tears streaming down her pale cheeks. Marov’s chest tightened, a hollow feeling like someone had just torn out his heart occurring. Panic coursed through his body at a breakneck pace, his own eyes moistening with sorrow as he examined the wound. A hole the size of his thumb stood out against his little girl’s stomach, blood soaking her pink, doll-like dress. A gut wound, then, a detached voice said in his mind.
“I know, baby. I know. Just, just don’t move. It’ll be okay, daddy’s here,” Marov said, his throat burning with an acidic, bitter taste. He didn’t waste any more time talking as he tried to figure out a way to save her, his finger already pressing against the wound to stem the bleeding. She yelled out as he did so, almost causing Marov to pull his hand back. However, he just gritted his teeth against the awful task and kept pushing, stroking his daughter’s face with his free hand.
“Stop it! You’re hurting me!” she half cried, half yelled, slapping away his hand from her face. With surprising strength, she pushed him away, tumbling onto his back. Marov looked up confusedly as she somehow stood over him, the blood still streaming from her wound and darkening the dress. Suddenly, his daughter’s skin darkened to a wholesome brown, her clothing shifting into familiar rags.
“You couldn’t save us,” Naleena sneered, Marov’s pistol appearing in her hand. “You had all the tools, all the power to keep us alive and you failed.”
“No, no, I tried,” he croaked out, wincing as the woman standing over him threw her head back and laughed. The mad, cackling sounded like two people, one sad and full of blame while the other was tinged with anger and bitterness.
“You tried?” the woman replied, the strange twin vocals continuing as her face morphed back to his daughter’s fair features, still wearing the rags. “That wasn’t good enough, was it? You couldn’t save your daughter. You couldn’t save me. So we died. Thanks to you.”
His daughter examined the pistol in her hand, stroking the bone as a haunted scream echoed in Marov’s mind. With her face returning to Naleena’s sneer, she pointed the pistol at his face.
“You killed and took this man’s self, to remind you of something. How you failed to protect us the first time, promising yourself what?” Naleena grinned madly, continuing in a piercing tone. “That you wouldn’t let it happen again? And yet, it did.”
Marov laid his head back and stared at the light coming from the ceiling, thoughts of blame and disgust running through his mind. It was his fault. He couldn’t protect anyone. With his beard wet with tears, he closed his eyes and waited for the end.
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) but you did a really great job editing your own work. (Or if you didn't edit, you're just naturally gifted? XD I wouldn't know... )
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)
