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Post by Kaez on May 25, 2010 18:54:46 GMT -5
The summer rains have passed the forest by, leaving withering soil and fragile leaves in their wake. Something rumbles from deep within the Earth as the buried roots struggle for sustenance. Blankets of ice and snow smother the tender grass. This branch of the World’s Tree begins its limp decline, where leaves speak fire against the frost. There is no wind now. In stillness, browns and whites arise where greens once flourished.
A crippled sun drags overhead.
The forest shall not welcome my venture into it. It will offer me no food, its plants wilted and its creatures dormant. It will offer me no shelter, its trees bare and its floor frigid. I will toss aside any burdens, for my cause is vital and my determination is unwavering. The fate of so many rests on these tired feet. I will not stop; I cannot stop.
Night is falling and I look up to the stars to guide my journey. Alone, my mind reaches up, straining and ripping against the bonds of earthly promises, yearning for higher spaces (in company, it wallows in the mud, caught in the mire, stained with filth). If in anything I may find comfort, it is the solitude – a rare, welcomed indulgence – and moreover, I have no desire to cross paths with what stirs in the deep of these woods at the break of nightfall. My eyes furiously scan the horizon, my knuckles tightly locked around my sole dagger.
Whispers in the darkness – some language not welcome outside of the woodland’s edge. They are watching. I can feel their foul eyes like bitter breath against my neck. The forest is unwelcoming, but conquerable; its inhabitants are hostile. They will not make this journey easy – tension, like a tightly coiled knot, grows taught within my breast. My footsteps grow hastily, though I know they cannot be outrun. I only hope to move swiftly and sturdily enough to avoid some dark hex. I only hope.
Az-davanon ada-maran Dar-a-Van; Vada-maran davam-A
Their words like venom, hissed from the fangs of a snake. I train my mind on other thoughts to no avail. Their curse echoes in my mind as horns through a canyon, deafening. My legs sprint beneath me, maneuvering through the tightening corridors. The shattering of dead branches beneath my feet and the volume of their spells overwhelm me – everything is twilight and blurred as I pant heavily through the forest. Should they run at my sides, neither would I hear them nor see them. They are everywhere, if anywhere.
Something tells me, ‘Scream! Cry back at them, quote holy tomes!” But my tired lungs, aflame with exhaustion, offer not a whimper into the cold. I can imagine myself slowing, my legs coming to a rest, sitting comfortably against the moist bark of a Grand Oak. Has it been minutes, now? Hours? It feels as though I might have run for days, and memories of anything prior to this deep fear in my heart are unreachable. In stumbling, my ankles nearly give way, but I catch myself. There is no end in sight. Now, or later, I must stop. There is only one choice.
a-Madav Dar-van; Az-davanon ada-maran-A Vada-van davam
Should I run on like this, my lungs shall fail, my legs shall collapse. I’ll faint unto hard ground, and it is not certain that I will wake. And so I ease my legs, I loosen my arms. Slowly, gradually, my pace lessens and lessens further. My throat stings and the whole of my joints are ignited with coals from beneath. Either the darkness grows deeper, or my vision fades. My mind departs, gently floating into serene emptiness. Everything is dark and numb, though I am warm. My skin feels as though it is coated in fine silks and the sweet aroma of incense pours into my senses.
Blackness fades to a deep, encompassing maroon.
My eyelids fluttered open, staring up at the waking dawn. The sky: a collision of deep, nightly blue and the golden-orange of the rising sun. My limbs were with me and my mind had been gathered; I was awake, as I was once asleep. Indeed, I found myself wrapped gently in a fine robe, some carefully-woven fabric. My head lay against a soft pillow, rested and comfortable as though I had slept the winter away and awoke at the birth of spring. Warmth filled me.
I knew those woods well, and it had not been long ago that I had ventured into them. The first day of my journey was long and tiring, but in the night I regained my strength. I had decided to walk through the night... and the voices came. I remembered them then as I had heard them the night before. Tranquil and intoxicating, they sobered my mind and calmed my thoughts. I rested... and everything went numb.
And now, I was here. Lying on some fine cot, wrapped warmly in robes and blankets, my head comfortable, my eyes staring up at the morning – as much as I pondered, as many details as I sought, I could find none. My location was somewhere deep within the Changing Woods, west of Buham. Such was as specific as I knew. I am not alone, of that I am sure (though I know not my company).
The journey to Hurubah, the delivery assigned to me, would be a failure if I had not been carried westward after I passed. My timely arrival now would only be achievable on horseback, and no horses were available in the deep Woods. For all I knew, my newfound companions might be further delays upon my journey. It occurred to me, then, rather startlingly, that I had not heard nor seen any other with me – though surely someone accompanied me now, to do all of this.
I took one long, deep breath and sat up, propped against my outstretched arms, and saw no one. |
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AEShenhav (Ali)
Junior Author
Jewish Princess
Weird and creepy.
Posts: 3,204
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Post by AEShenhav (Ali) on May 25, 2010 19:20:14 GMT -5
Very entertaining Kaez. Grammar was perfect as I could see (as always) and the language used painted both a colorful picture and progressed the story well. Though I'll admit, in the beginning it was a little confusing. But only a little. Still, I enjoyed the whole thing and it did very well in captivating me. One think I really like the more I think about it is that you can either continue the story from here or leave it as is. It's both complete and begs for more at the same time. That can't be said about 90% of Hollywood movies that end up having sequels.  |
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Post by Jenny (Reffy) on May 25, 2010 20:43:09 GMT -5
- Imagery is beautiful as usual :]
- Something rumbles from deep within the < Nattered about this in chat. The word "Something" pulled me out of the story. (Switching from story-telling to narration broke the immersion.)
- Jealous of your imagery >.> lol "Crippled sun" and "Leaves speak fire against the frost"
- against the bonds of earthly promises < Might be me being a dork ... but should Earthly have a capitol?
- I really liked the narration on the 4th paragraph. It pulled in some feeling.
- They will not make this journey easy – tension, like a tightly coiled knot, < see bit underlined. Tension - excellent word use and technique. The one word then comma make it feel tense. Excuse me if I'm talking out my butt here, lol.
- But my tired lungs, aflame with exhaustion, offer not a whimper into the cold. < again, excellent!
On the whole, loved it. Like Ali said, it is finished but unfinished. It was satisfying but at the same time I want more. This could easily blossom into a project ... and I would definitely continue reading if you did.
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Post by Kaez on May 26, 2010 8:58:48 GMT -5
Thank you both very much! I've replied to much of what you've said in AIM, so I won't do so here, but the feedback is very appreciated. Honestly, I'm not sure what's going to happen from here. I'll likely write some more.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on May 26, 2010 16:01:59 GMT -5
Shit title, some description felt forced. Specifically, I also HATE HATE HATE BLACKEST, DARKEST HATE first person narration. ... Otherwise, everyone else said what I like about it.  |
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Post by ASGetty ((Zovo)) on May 26, 2010 18:35:36 GMT -5
Quite interesting.
I'm a little disappointed that it was a dream/memory though.
As noted before, you're word choice and imagery are wonderful, and in this you seemed to take a more poetic turn with your phrasing. I wish only that the poeticism had remained constant, or non-existant; as it appeared inconsistent in some areas which was distracting.
Very interesting read though.
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Post by Kaez on May 26, 2010 19:34:58 GMT -5
Quite interesting. I'm a little disappointed that it was a dream/memory though. As noted before, you're word choice and imagery are wonderful, and in this you seemed to take a more poetic turn with your phrasing. I wish only that the poeticism had remained constant, or non-existant; as it appeared inconsistent in some areas which was distracting. Very interesting read though. Yeah, it started poetic, but that faded a lot. I realized that when writing it and got kind of discouraged myself. I considered (and am still not completely ruling out) writing some more -- in which it wasn't going to be a dream, in fact. But the way this ends, it's definitely a dream. |
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Post by ASGetty ((Zovo)) on May 26, 2010 19:36:35 GMT -5
Quite interesting. I'm a little disappointed that it was a dream/memory though. As noted before, you're word choice and imagery are wonderful, and in this you seemed to take a more poetic turn with your phrasing. I wish only that the poeticism had remained constant, or non-existant; as it appeared inconsistent in some areas which was distracting. Very interesting read though. Yeah, it started poetic, but that faded a lot. I realized that when writing it and got kind of discouraged myself. I considered (and am still not completely ruling out) writing some more -- in which it wasn't going to be a dream, in fact. But the way this ends, it's definitely a dream. Just glad to see you haven't given up on fiction.  |
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Post by Kaez on May 26, 2010 19:39:20 GMT -5
Yeah, it started poetic, but that faded a lot. I realized that when writing it and got kind of discouraged myself. I considered (and am still not completely ruling out) writing some more -- in which it wasn't going to be a dream, in fact. But the way this ends, it's definitely a dream. Just glad to see you haven't given up on fiction. Since I signed up for next month's tourney, where I'll certainly be writing fiction, I figured it couldn't hurt to churn something up. But this actually started as one of next month's intros I was writing for Agro. I liked it so much, I stuck with it. |
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