Someone Who Cares

[ARSmith ((Wolfeh))]

Breathe in,
Breathe out,
Then look around.
What do you see?

A cafeteria of people,
Your age,
Your grade.
Look closer?

More people,
No friends,
Nor family.
It's a pain, right?

You're in a corner,
No food on your table.
You see a girl ahead.
Is she looking at you?

Your heart flutters.
Not a mean look.
Definetly not.
Does she like you?

She comes and sits down.
She's a brounette,
She has very pretty eyes.
Is she smiling at you?

You're sweating,
You're nervous.
She kinda laughs.
Is she laughing at you?

You nod a little as she says hi.
Chuckle as she smiles even more,
Then take another deep breath.
Does she care?

" My name is Laura. "
She says,
Offering her hand.
She wants to touch you?

You hesitantly wipe your hands on your pants,
Reaching out to quickly shake her hand.
Her eyes brighten at your touch.
She isn't grossed out by you?

She takes a few bites of her food,
You watch a little awkwardly.
You clear your throat then ask,
" Why are you over here? "

The girl cocks her head,
Taps her chin,
Then laughs.
" Why not? "

You struggle for words,
Find the right ones,
Then choke out.
" Because you're blind? "

She laughed at this,
Thinking you were joking.
She stops.
" Why would I be blind? "

You frown,
Sulk back onto the wall,
Then look down at your knees.
" Because no one cares...? "

She held back a giggle,
Reached out,
Touched your face.
" I care. "

[Kaez]

I really enjoyed that. There was a line or two that felt kind of long, that hindered the flow, but otherwise... wow. Really, really good stuff. Your poetry works so wonderfully, almost entirely because of a real skill at keeping an intriguing pace.

[ARSmith ((Wolfeh))]

Why, thank you! :'D

[tamwyn]

Wow. That was an awesome poem. The way it switched between thought and dialogue was, I thought, quite entertaining, compelling me to read the next paragraph to see what's going to happen. Another wonderful thing is the...rapidity of it, it looks short and I can read it fast, but it ends up, in my perception, a long read.

I can also emphasize with the "guy" in this, it resounds within my soul with personal experience, enhancing the message? Moral? of the poem. It suggests feeling of lonliness and sadness in the beginning, quickly morphing into nervous "happy", ending with a heartwarming ending; an ending anyone would want, also giving hope that it will happen to oneself...

Well, sorry, I'm rambling. But I give it a 5/5. I don't read much poetry, but I liked this bit. Keep it up; I'd love to read more!

[ARSmith ((Wolfeh))]

Thanks. :] I'll keep working at it!

[Jenny (Reffy)]

I'm gonna echo what the others said: I liked this :] I think you got the emotions just right and very vivid. The self-doubt, worry, nervousness, happy bit at the end. The journey from low beginning to friendship is a beautiful thing and I think you nailed it.

I do agree with Kaez. There was one or two sentences that were a little long and disrupted the flow. I'm thinking snip them down a little, shouldn't be too hard. Otherwise the pace is pretty natural. Quick and easy to read, but at the same time a good journey. It feels a lot longer than it actually is.

Can I ask why you " gave spaces " with your quotation marks? Personally that was the one major thing that bugged me about this poem. I think you also have capitols in the wrong places ... like after a comma but at the beginning of the next line. I'm not sure on the rules for that kind of thing in poetry though, so I could be wrong.

[ARSmith ((Wolfeh))]

Oh! I have a bad habit of hiting the space bar after placing a quotation mark. ^^; It's a Gaia thing. And the capitol thing? It could go either way, as far as I know. Don't take my word for it. : P

EDIT: I also trimmed some of the sentences down, changed a sectence or two. Better, or...?

Also, which sentences are you referring to when you say they disrupted the flow?

[Meleta/Isoldaa]

I actually thought this was all very sweet - the subject matter took me back not a few years, in a way, and that was actually pretty nice. ;D

I'm still not a fan of second person writing though - most of the time it feels like someone's forcing something on the reader. Your verses might have had even more impact on me, at least, if it was written in first person? (which, I almost thought, the narrative itself cried for?)