Alonzo Asa 18+

[Jenny (Reffy)]

THE FOLLOWING STORY IS 18+. READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION.


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[ASGetty ((Zovo))]

Haven't read it yet (at work and all) but I just wanted to say that I think it's great that you've chosen to explore this character a little more.

[Blu]

Needs more sex appeal!


Word choice gets repetitive in some places, (Particularly involving the coven) but otherwise good.

[Deleted]

- I really liked this! I've no idea where you're taking this, obviously, but Alonzo seems like he has the potential to either be a great, three-dimensional villain, or a really awesome anti-hero that you hate to love. Either way, he's a well-rounded character and I think you've done an excellent job conveying that here.

- One sentence I didn't really think was necessary was: "They were ladies of the night who would do what he asked because they were being paid." It felt redundant because you'd already said they were being sent by Elisa. It is entirely up to you, but I was already quite they were prostitutes before reading that sentence.

- I like the jumping around between time periods. I don't know if I could do that, but I think it worked here. I wasn't confused or anything, and indeed it was interesting to see Alonzo as a new incubus in one paragraph, and then an old, wizened one in the next

- I didn't see any grammar or spelling stuff. But I rarely can catch those sorts of things, anyway, much to my own chagrin.

- I loved your descriptions. I love how you describe how balmy and hot the night is, and then, of all things, we see...Alonzo in a suit! Drove home the point that this dude wasn't quite normal early on, which was good. Sex scenes were naughty, I felt guilty just reading them, and I'm not even the incubus here!

[Jenny (Reffy)]

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[Jenny (Reffy)]

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[Blu]

Her boobs flopped out of the top, nipples already erect, and boobs pert, the curve of the boobs magnified by the only light in the small apartment.

Again, gotta get on you for repetitive word choice. I mean, reread this sentence. I know you can do better than this.

[ASGetty ((Zovo))]

Oh, Alonzo. . . where to begin. (you asked for it)

Let me start, Ref, by saying that I think of all your characters to date Alonzo here has to most potential. That said, lets do some broad strokes.

Verbs: The first thing I noticed was your choice of verbs. It started out rocky but as you got into it you loosened up a bit and it got better. And then in second installment that same thing happened; rocky start, better with time.

In the beginning things simply "are." This was, that is; a lot of mundane 'being' verbs which don't really add anything to the story other letting the reader know that some exists. It's commonly accepted that adjectives are your descriptive words, where things get colors and smells and textures. . . what is often forgotten is that your verbs carry as much descriptive weight as any adjective. Does your character "move" from point A to B? Or does he "stride," or "slink," or "stalk?"

Keep in mind who your characters are and use the appropriate verbs. Where verbs fail; there's always adverbs. If he's already "strutted" and he needs to "walk," perhaps he "walks confidently." Every phrase about a character should remind us who that character is with virtually every word.

There were a couple of flow issues in the first two paragraphs. I would move the description of his outfit into the second paragraph in lieu of mentioning his "heavy cloak and suit." Later when you describe what an Incubus is, you could have moved all that into the previous paragraph and it would have flowed better.

I would like to know a little more about the "ritual."

Back on word choice; you mention at one point whilst reflecting on his urges Alonzo acknowledges them as "a nice feeling but a dark one. . ." I think better words could have been used. Alonzo doesn't seem like the type to thing of things as "nice," his emotions are stronger than that. Perhaps it's a "sinister pleasure" or something. He's a dark character, lets keep him dark. He's also old, from a time when people talked differently; both his dialogue and thoughts would reflect this. Try to see what you can do about making him a bit more articulate; both out loud and internally.

I think he should have known the stable girls name. Maybe he's watched her from afar before he was transformed. Knowing her name adds intimacy, having fantasized about her previously emphasizes his desire.

You initial reflection on the “two-sided coin” aspect of his character appeared a little too explicit. “On the one side he had all the lust and sex any mortal human could want, on the other there was always something missing and the need threatened to drive him crazy.” It’s the kind of detail I would try to hint at through his actions and thoughts without explaining it outright to the reader. Little conclusions like this allow a story to be satisfying to read; let the reader think a bit, you don’t have to spell it out.

I’m unsure how Elizabeth arrived at the conclusion the Alonzo isn’t dangerous. Their conversation went from talking about how long he was going to be in town straight to “I won’t hurt you.” That’s creepy, that screams dangerous; then he all but attacked her.

Elizabeth doesn’t seem too observant, and her friend doesn’t appear nearly concerned enough. This isn’t just some dude who she met in a bar; it’s some shadowy figure who crawled out of the alley (literally) and chased her into her bathroom.

Honestly, though, in just this little snippet of story, the whole conversation between Elizabeth and Catherine could probably be removed; or at the very least moved to end since it occurs the day –after- Alonzo’s encounter with Shelly.

Ok; lets talk about Alonzo himself. Again, I really like this character and I think he could be brilliant if we clean him up a touch.

Thing 1: You mention that an Incubus is driven “a demon that needed to spread it’s seed with out care for where it landed.” And then throughout the story Alonzo continues to be very picky about his targets; going so far as to mention that he “needs” a specific type of girl.. Seems inconsistent. Perhaps mention that, though any woman will do, over time Alonzo has acquired a certain preference.

Thing 2: The hookers. This was a really good spot to include some deep character development for Alonzo and I felt you kind of dropped the ball a bit. When he’s standing in the street appraising the girls, noting their disheveled presence, it would have been a great place to add a little empathy to his character. Maybe some musings on addiction, self-loathing; key aspects of his character. After all, though they disgust him (as much as he disgusts himself) they are all really in the same boat; aimless folks steered down deplorable paths as a result of bad decisions. I expected him to be a little more empathetic to the plight of the hookers, even though he was repulsed by them. Instead he really gets all over Shelly’s shit about it without ever really making the connection to himself.

In regards to being repulsed by them, he stands on that corner for quite a while awaiting the “right girl,” but I thought the whole idea was that he was there because the “right girl” wouldn’t have him. There were no “right girls” there, every one of them was a consolation prize to be repulsed and disgusted by. Maybe Shelly stands out for some other reason, but certainly not because she’s the “right one.”

Thing 3: Little thing here. Lightweights don’t drink absinthe. Neither do people who live in trashed one-room studios.

Finally, some nit-picky stuff starting with;
Britishness. Your characters are in California, Alonzo has spent time in Mexico. He wouldn’t think it terms of nattering or knickers. Elizabeth –might- be British (sure, make her British) but usually folks put a “pot” of coffee on. Tea comes from kettles. J
Boobs: Remove this word from your narrative. It works in dialogue, it works in a character’s thoughts; it doesn’t work in narrative. Between that and repeated mention of “drugs” but no specific drugs; it was pretty clear you were uncomfortable writing about the subject matter. You’re writing about pretty mature stuff here; keep the word choice on the mature side. Your prostitutes can be strung out on heroin, and even sloppy breasts are still breasts. “Boobs” sounds like a ten-year old wrote it; though be careful not to go too far in the other direction, you don’t want it to sound like a Penthouse forum.

Again, and I can’t emphasize this enough (especially after all that criticism) I really do think this is a great character and a great start to a potentially really high quality story. Check your PMs for more on that.