Experiments in Writing

[Kaez]

The leading factor in keeping me from enjoying it as much as I should, like with the Villain story, is some really unnecessary typos...

[Jenny (Reffy)]

((First off *Proud sniffle* Glad to have inspired some continued-creativity. Tis what I'm all about ... and why you always see me rambling on about something happening!

Comments:
It is slightly unusual to have a monologue directed to an audience, but it is refreshing.
It was a good insight into a Soldiers World. While it was slightly humorous, it also managed to keep the dark. It didn't feel light, and I don't think it should.
I liked the character. He felt very real. I liked that you made him loyal to England, and the slight accent. It made the character really "pop." The traditional French comment made me chuckle.

You didn't capitalize "mum." She is obviously somebody he respects, so I think it should be capitalized. Even in dialogue.

One added tip: In a formal/traditional manuscript-script there would be no formatting [bold, italic, whatnot] and the names are usually completely capitals ... I believe. I've only written 2 complete scripts so far. You probably know that anyways!

Keep the creativity going!))

[James]

Dec 29, 2009 22:18:20 GMT -5 Kaez said:

The leading factor in keeping me from enjoying it as much as I should, like with the Villain story, is some really unnecessary typos...

There are intentional mistakes there, so I don't know if you're including those.

[James]

((Alright this one took me an hour. Longer than I expected. I seriously underestimated poetry. It's a bit choppy because this wasn't actually meant to be a sonnet. It was meant to be an opposite of a certain poem, consisting of 5 stanzas and 45 lines. Well after 16 lines and I wasn't even half-way, I decided to remould it into a sonnet.))

Not Near Naples

Suffocating grey clouds floating,
Above the colourless city.
Great slabs of dead concrete bloating,
Hiding beauty that should be pitied.

Little ants rush in the busy street,
Unaware, uncaring, not there,
And yet this is a world to meet,
To run, to jump, to live, to dare.

Joy still reigns in my beating heart,
I cannot help but laugh and cry.
Life is too wonderful to mark,
By having a great life go dry.

Modern solitude rules this city,
Alas though, is it also pretty.

[James]

Note: That's only my third ever piece of poetry I've written. And the first in over two years. And one was a limerick.

...

*sage nod*

[Aguyinarpg]

Perhaps it's because I can relate to writing an army script, but I liked it. Has a bit of that cliche army though that I myself try to avoid, but it does in-fact reinforce the dialogue and give you a sense of the world he's living in. My only problem is that it's a fourth wall narration, which again is probably just my preference. But as a script, it was done well and explained much. Was pretty good.

[James]

Next experiment planned is going to take a bit more effort and time. Firstly it's going to be written between writing stints in Of Phantoms and secondly I'm doing some research.

I've got Script - Theatre
And I've done a poem... even though it was quite terrible.
Next in line is:

Screenplay - Adaptation of the First Scene of A Study in Scarlet

[Jenny (Reffy)]

((Alrighty! First off awesome 3rd piece of poetry Go you! Just a few comments, and praise.

- Suffocating grey clouds floating, Not sure floating was the right word to use. Suffocating and floating just do not go hand in hand. Once is dark, the other light. Unless you intended this?

- dead concrete I liked that you personified the concrete by using the word dead.

- Little ants rush in the busy street,
Unaware, uncaring, not there,
LOVED this :] Good imagery.

- I really enjoyed the "up-beat" of the 3rd paragraph. It really lifted me. The first two were very dark, so this one was refreshing.

))

[James]

Upon the Quiet Street

I step upon the quiet street,
A thick Darkness shrouding my way,
I look upon the silver stars,
And wonder if they’re the same.

Each glistening light,
Each shining pebble,
Lights my way,
And still I yet wonder,
If they are the same.

Isn’t it funny?
So very weird?
That each and every blemish,
of that black sky above,
Is all the same to us?

Not identical,
Not even twins,
I mean that what I see,
Is what you see,
When we both look above.

Not distance or time,
Can change that fact,
And it strengthens my heart to learn,
That all of the cosmos works together,
To keep both you and I,
whole.

[Meleta/Isoldaa]

XD Well, I managed to review the PREVIOUS poem you wrote, just before this one - that I have only just seen. >< doh!

Anyway, concerning "Not Near Naples," I really loved the juxtaposition of hope and the desire for "more," wtih the hopelessness and aching "aloneness" you managed to invoke. This was short, yes, but full of images made with an economy of words I could really appreciate.

And oh yes, definitely - poetry is hard as hell to do right. ><

[James]

Jan 18, 2010 5:49:51 GMT -5 Meleta/Isoldaa said:

XD Well, I managed to review the PREVIOUS poem you wrote, just before this one - that I have only just seen. >< doh!

Yeah, I wasn't really planning on writing anything new before the end of the review but I sort of spontaneously wrote it.

[Sensar]

*squirms a bit*

I have just read your script. And I have some critique.

E-hem.

First of, you wrote in a massive amount of stage directions and scenery for just a monologue. For theatre, that is highly inadvisable. As is having a truck on stage . . . You are asking for almost a movie or novel medium through this script, your writing bias screams through this.

A part of theatre is compressing the power of the piece. Your bits of dialogue are entirely unneeded. And your formatting of the monologue is strange. I understand that on a forum, people do not enjoy blocks of text, but for scripts they usually aren't divided like that. It forces beats upon an actor and director that can cut back from the power of the piece.

As for the content itself? Not brilliant, but not to dull. My biggest problem? No motivation, no reason to really speak. I would hate to have to act this out. It's simply weird to try and express verbally. I tried to read it, but it just feels awkward somehow. And why character speaking? Where is he from (specifically, that is)? Why is he speaking about this? To the audience, according to your direction. On another note, there doesn't seem to be much cadence or cohesiveness to the piece, which isn't helping. Read what you write aloud when you work on things like this. Everyone has a way of speaking.

It's an interesting idea that needs to be placed in a more powerful setting, and with more powerful language and cohesiveness.

----

Not Near Naples - There is a lot countering points here. Reffy spoke about suffocating and floating, and pitied beauty is another. You reinforce this word confusions in the final duet. It is quite good, I must say, if your intention was a the ambiguity of living in a modern world. You also had some wonderful imagery painted here.

Upon the Quiet Street - I think the only real problem I had reading this was the shift in tone, from heaviness of the street to the fleet cosmos. It seemed like to different poems at one point. Good poems, but different none the less.

As for your poems.

[James]

Jan 18, 2010 19:05:57 GMT -5 Sensar said:

*squirms a bit*

I have just read your script. And I have some critique.

E-hem.

First of, you wrote in a massive amount of stage directions and scenery for just a monologue. For theatre, that is highly inadvisable. As is having a truck on stage . . . You are asking for almost a movie or novel medium through this script, your writing bias screams through this.

Arthur Miller.

But yeah other than that, I tend to agree. But it was an experiment to A: Try a hand at some stage directions and B: Get myself into the role of a character and just have him say to the audience what he's feeling. That's the reason for the sort of lack of cohesiveness, it's just really Charlie up there, speaking his mind.

[Sensar]

Jan 18, 2010 19:11:21 GMT -5 James said:

Jan 18, 2010 19:05:57 GMT -5 Sensar said:

*squirms a bit*

I have just read your script. And I have some critique.

E-hem.

First of, you wrote in a massive amount of stage directions and scenery for just a monologue. For theatre, that is highly inadvisable. As is having a truck on stage . . . You are asking for almost a movie or novel medium through this script, your writing bias screams through this.

Arthur Miller.

But yeah other than that, I tend to agree. But it was an experiment to A: Try a hand at some stage directions and B: Get myself into the role of a character and just have him say to the audience what he's feeling. That's the reason for the sort of lack of cohesiveness, it's just really Charlie up there, speaking his mind.

That's what most monologues like this are. But there didn't seem a reason for him to do so. And with theatre, you need purpose. Otherwise it's just flailing about.

[James]

Jan 18, 2010 19:25:10 GMT -5 Sensar said:

Jan 18, 2010 19:11:21 GMT -5 James said:

Arthur Miller.

But yeah other than that, I tend to agree. But it was an experiment to A: Try a hand at some stage directions and B: Get myself into the role of a character and just have him say to the audience what he's feeling. That's the reason for the sort of lack of cohesiveness, it's just really Charlie up there, speaking his mind.

That's what most monologues like this are. But there didn't seem a reason for him to do so. And with theatre, you need purpose. Otherwise it's just flailing about.

Maybe, it's just that I don't write scripts or this is just a mess around but I think giving him a purpose would ruin it. I like the fact that it's casual, it's non-important. It's just because he feels like saying something.