Reffy's Imagination! :P

[Jenny (Reffy)]

CHANGED: This is now Reffy's Imagination.

Snippets from current projects, rewritten assignments, poems, flash fiction, scripts ... anything that wanders into my head.

Enjoy <3 Reffy

[Jenny (Reffy)]

Death: The short

Written and copyright to and by Ditzy/Reffy 12/17/2009

FADE IN FROM BLACK
FRED's body on the floor. Car crumpled around lamp-post in the background. FRED stood to screen-left looking bewildered.

FRED
(quietly)
What ... happened?

FRED shows more bewilderment and tries to touch body on the floor.

DEATH
I wouldn't bother with that. No use.

DEATH FADES IN screen-right.

FRED
Why? Am I ...

DEATH
(interrupts)
'Fraid so. Car crash.

FRED
(shock)
Car crash? And that's it? I'm dead now?

DEATH
(moves shoulders as if chuckling but no sound)
Yup.

FRED
But I can't be! I have a family, and next month was my sisters birthday, and I still didn't finish the report for my boss!

DEATH
Nothing you can do about that now.

FRED
(shocked silence)

DEATH draws out clipboard and hands it to FRED with scythe pen.

DEATH
Sign this please.

FRED
What is it?

DEATH
Oh – just legalities. The usual.

FRED
(signs then hands it back)
But I really cannot be dead. I've never had a crash in my life! I'm the safest driver around!

DEATH
Wasn't your fault. You swerved to avoid somebody.

FRED
Who?

DEATH
(points over his shoulder)

FRED
(turns to look)

Camera zooms in on lady with pram. No sound is heard, and she is paused in still-frame.

FRED
(mumbles)
Wow. What now?

DEATH
You were ...
(checks his paperwork on the clipboard)
... Christian – right?

FRED
Uh, yeah.

DEATH
(pulls out chain with key-rings on it, un-clips wings)
Here.
(passes wings over to FRED)

FRED
But these are too small ...
(takes wings which suddenly soak into his hand and sprout from his back)
Oh!

DEATH
(grumpy)
Any more questions?

FRED
(busy inspecting wings)

DEATH
Good.
(DEATH fades out)

FRED
(flaps to test out wings, hovers for a moment and then flies off screen-top)

THE END!

((psst - this is just daft but kinda fun too))

[ASGetty ((Zovo))]

Is it wierd that I totally have an idea for a sequel?

[Jenny (Reffy)]

Dec 17, 2009 20:47:53 GMT -5 ASGetty ((Zovo)) said:

Is it weird that I totally have an idea for a sequel?

A little but go for it if you like

It might turn into a webcomic - If I can ever be bothered to start one up again and keep it going. This was only a bit of fun as a first script.

Currently working on a second script, in my preferred genre (Fantasy: Qwibeth)

[Shinga]

Aww, that was... sad, but very clever and well-written!

[WJChesek ((Evern))]

Ha! Nice!

[Jenny (Reffy)]

Thankies Shinga and Evern Was worried it wasn't sad enough. I tend to make things too light on the first try.

Wanted something pretty simple for a first try. Not sure why Death and Angel popped into my head - probably too much Pratchett and friend wished for wings as a joke

Loved the key-ring idea. That was a last minute thought. It holds all the key-rings for all the religions on the world (including pasta and meatballs)

[Jenny (Reffy)]

The Precarious Future
Copyright to Reffy 12/22/2009


SETTING: Hospital seating, waiting room. The waiting room has white and cream walls, red seating, tattered posters hang, overly clean. Occasionally a nurse moves passes with trolley of equipment. A few people/patients scattered about; some coughing, others silent with heads hung low.

One LADY in particular stands out. She is in burgundy duffel coat, her hands knitted together in her lap, her eyes distant as she overlooks the waiting area. She has an old withered face, beyond her years (actual age 32, appearance 45) black hair that is long and lanky.

CAMERA ZOOMS in on LADY. Her eyes are still cast over the area. There is a silent sadness in her expression.

FRIEND moves IN SCREEN-RIGHT, carrying two paper cups filled with steaming coffee. It looks tasteless and very watery, but at least it is hot. FRIEND is taller than LADY. She is wearing a blue-coat, jeans and a printed t-shirt. She has a cheery expression, blue eyes, hardly any wrinkles, and blond-hair.

FRIEND
Here you go, hun.
(hands drink to LADY)

LADY
(takes drink with a nod, barely looking towards FRIEND)
Thanks

FRIEND
How long have you known?

LADY
A while now. I didn't say anything. Didn't want people to worry.

FRIEND
You should have come to me earlier!

LADY
(doesn't respond, just looks down at the hot coffee)

FRIEND
How long do you have?

LADY
Doctor said a few months, but it maybe only be weeks.

FRIEND
I'm so sorry, hun.

LADY
(takes careful sip of coffee, part burning tongue on hotness)

FRIEND
What about Sammy? Where will she go?

LADY
Probably to her Grandparents. We talked about the possibility when I gave birth, but they don't know how far the tumor has progressed.

FRIEND
Are you scared?
(short pause)
I'm sorry, I didn't mean too ...

LADY
(shakes her head dismissively)
No, it's okay. Yeah ... I'm scared. Worried about Sammy and her future.

FRIEND
That's understandable.
(takes sip of coffee)

LADY
(tears spring to her eyes but she is quick to wipe them away)

FRIEND
(notices the tears)
You don't need to worry, hun. I'll keep an eye on Sammy. You just focus on getting better.

LADY
(shakes her head)
There is no getting better.
(starts crying)
Its progressed too far ... They cannot remove the tumor. Things will only get worse ... The attacks will come more often ... and I don't know what will happen!

FRIEND
(puts down her coffee and takes LADYs away, placing it with hers on the table)
Think positive.
(hugs LADY, patting and rubbing her back)

LADY
(sobbing on FRIEND)
How can I think positive? My whole World is changing. I could have months, I could have just weeks!

FRIEND
(stops patting LADY, grabs her arms and holds her still)
Shush! You cannot think like that ... Sammy is in daycare for another few hours, right?

LADY
(wipes the tears away and takes a few deep breaths)
Yeah. They've been really good with her ... and the payments. Wouldn't have been able to afford it without their help.

FRIEND
(offers LADY tissue)
Why don't us girls go have some fun then? I'm sure you could do with it.

LADY
(takes tissue, wipes eyes dry and blows nose)
You really don't have too ...

FRIEND
(shrugs)
It beats hanging out around this place! C'mon.


FRIEND hoists LADY to feet and they move OFF SCREEN-RIGHT.
CAMERA ZOOMS in on barely touched coffees, that are still steaming. Background is out of focus but you can see people moving in the blur.




SETTING: FRIEND's car.. LADY is in the passenger seat and FRIEND is in the driving seat. They are parked outside a local fun-park. It has two or three large spinning rides, with lights and whooshing sounds. There is also a few stalls like popgun shooters, water soaker's and ring-toss.

FRIEND
You ready?
(looks over to check LADY)

LADY
Are you serious?

FRIEND
Completely serious.

LADY
(chuckles for the first time in a long while)

FRIEND
Remember when we used to come here as kids? We'd always hit the Rocket Roller-coaster first, and then get some candy, and play at the hoops table!

LADY
Yeah - 'cept you were really crap at it!

FRIEND
(nudges LADY playfully)
You joker! So ... are we going to sit in here for the next few hours talking about it? Or do you want to go have some fun?

LADY
Okay, lets go have some fun but I get first dibs on the Rocket!


LADY and FRIEND exit the car and move towards the fun-park. The closer they get the more excited and giggly they get.


TICKET-BOOTH
Just two?

FRIEND
Yes, please.

TICKET-BOOTH
Two dollars, please.

FRIEND
(hands over two dollars)

TICKET-BOOTH
Thank you. Enjoy your day.
(stamps LADY and FRIEND hands with red-star)


LADY and FRIEND move into the park, half-jogging to the Rocket Roller-coaster. Hardly anybody is at the fun-park because it is midday. There is no line for the Roller-coaster. They jump into seats and get locked in, then ride the roller-coaster screaming and whooping. Sticking their arms out to feel the g-force, and the wind rushing against their arms.

CAMERA follows them on the ride, both from their POV and facing towards them.

Once the ride is finished and they have been unlocked from their seats LADY and FRIEND almost fall off their seats. Both are extremely dizzy with adrenaline. They are laughing like school-girls.


LADY
Haha! I forgot how much fun that was!

FRIEND
Haha! Yeah! Wow.

LADY
C'mon, lazy bones! To the Candy Station!
(runs off toward the stall)

FRIEND
(giggles, happy to see LADY enjoying herself, then runs to catch up)

CAMERA position is over LADY's shoulder towards the Candy Station. There is a kid behind the counter. He looks barely old enough to have graduated high-school. He is wearing park uniform.

LADY
Can I have ...
(looks over the line of candy)
one oversize lollipop, a bag of cotton candy, and some skittles!

CANDY-BOY
(gathers items and hand them to LADY)
That'll be five bucks.

FRIEND
(stops LADY for getting into her purse)
I've got it. This treat is totally on me.
(pays CANDY-BOY)



LADY and FRIEND walk over to a bench and sit down. LADY digs into the cotton candy, getting her fingers sticky. She takes a piece and lets it melt on her tongue. Her eyes are bright and her whole posture has picked up. FRIEND helps herself to some of the skittles, picking out the orange and purple ones, as she used to when she was a child, and leaving the rest for LADY.


LADY
Thank you.

FRIEND
Ha! It was nothing.

LADY
No, really, thank you. It's been a long time since anybody has taken me out anywhere.
(pause)
People look differently at you, when they find out you are dying ... but you didn't. You didn't wrap me up in bubble-wrap or worry for me. You are an Angel.

FRIEND
HA! Me, an Angel? You have to be kidding.

LADY
(shoots FRIEND a look that tells her she is serious)

FRIEND
It's the least I can do. Got time for one more ride before you have to go get Sammy?

LADY
Sure.
(finishes off cotton candy, licking her fingers)



CAMERA POV from behind bench, pointed towards next ride.
LADY and FRIEND walk together towards next ride slowly going out of focus.

THE END
((If you are going to review this please be gentle!! Still learning and went with slightly cliched topic.))

[Janaril]

Reviewing just the latest one, "The Precarious Future"

Hmm... The storyline is a bit cliche, as you said, but I do like the screenplay-style of writing. It has a nice flow to it, despite seeming somewhat broken up at first, and is on the whole well written from start to finish, no real grammatical or spelling errors to detract from the reading. On the whole, it is a good piece, especially if you are just starting to work with this style as it seems.

That being said, I think there is a lot of potential for improvement. It is a good, solid piece, but somewhat 'dry', or monotone. It doesn't quite grab at the reader's attention as much as it could, and among other pieces of writing could easily fade to the background. I would try to work on getting more of the emotion to come through the writing. There doesn't seem to be as much room for description in this piece as in something that was written as a novel or short story, but that means you need to get as much out of that space as you can.

Most of the scenes, you seem to almost force-feed the reader the information. (In the park would be the best example "It has two or three large spinning rides, with lights and whooshing sounds" and later on.. "Hardly anybody is at the park because it is midday. There is no line at the roller coaster" ) Yes, you present the setting quite well enough, but it lacks the emotion that a piece of writing should have. I would suggest a more vivid description of each scene. The hospital scene is sad, so describe it in a way that will bring the reader down. The scenes at the park are happy and uplifting, so take the reader up with it.

Overall, I would say this is a good, solid piece. The only thing is that, as a sort of screenplay which would usually rely on an actual stage and actors to convey the emotion and imagery, you should work on your description of the scenes so that it can come across in writing as well : )

[Jenny (Reffy)]

Thankies Janaril :]
The first part was supposed to be a little fractured by the emotions and inability to talk, but don't think it quite had that effect. Now that I read it myself I did miss a bit of the emotion that was supposed to be there.
I was keeping scene-describing to a minimum. Not entirely sure why. Think its just because this is a first time full-length piece and I'm not sure how much note-age the producers/actors would want.
Awesome notes, that will come in handy later for the next script. :]

[James]

Well, well, well, Reffy. Correct me if I start correcting you on stuff that is actually right. I haven't dealt much with the more screenplay sides of thing.

Two things that I'm going to mentioned. That's dialogue and describing the scene.

Dialogue: This is your key weapon for building suspense, attachment to characters, plot. Everything really. And I felt it was a little dry here. One of the thing Pete always recommend to me when I stray into this dry area is to read the dialogue out loud and then go "Would someone actually say that?" It felt a little too straight forward and direct for the situation they were in.

Setting: I thought you did well there. Janaril said be more vivid to evoke emotion, and yes you can do that. But you can also explain in the bare bones way which you did (which is perfectly fine and I quite like) and still evoke the same emotion.

For example, one of my favourite modern playwrights, Arthur Miller's start to A View from a Bridge

The street and house-front of a tenement building. The front is skeletal entirely. The main acting area is the living-room-dining-room of Eddie's apartment. It is a worker's flat, clean, sparse, homely. There is a rocker down front; a round dining-table at centre, with chairs; and a portable phonograph.

There's the start of the play, a paragraph of stage directions explaining the setting. Quite similar to yours. Direct, short, sweet and as Janaril said 'force-feeding' information.

However because of the words used, it's able to evoke emotions and foreshadowing and understanding just as much as a more vivid imagery prone way might.

"Skeletal" - Empty, bare. This is a house that doesn't have much. Poor.

"Living-room-dining-room" - Same room, small house. Poor

'Worker's Flat" - Again, there's a real imagery of poor working class blaring through at us, all through simple descriptions of the scene.

And you can see them going on for the rest of the paragraph.

So to sum up. Dialogue I think need a little work, Reffy. Just to evoke a bit more and give the piece a real zing, a little spice. Descriptions? I think you're nearly there. Keep it simple, that's excellent. Just really consider the simple words you use and what they can cause the reader/audience to think of.

[Meleta/Isoldaa]

You've already gotten some great feedback on this one, Ref, and I don't really want to reiterate what everyone else said, particularly about the dialogue.

The only suggestion I'd give you? Next time you work on a script, go for it! Don't give your reader/audience the "safe" scenes. Show us whenthe dying woman loses it, terrified and screaming at a loved one how unfair and hateful it all is. Or give us the moment she has to tell her daughter. Give us the serious "oh y gosh holy crap how do they get through it moments," if you know what I mean?

[Jenny (Reffy)]

Thankies Mel & Agro I do tend to play things a little too safe when I'm outside of my comfort zone, which means my writing comes through to the readers as lacking. I should also read things aloud more often!

Might rewrite this sometime, or add to it. Still experimenting with Scripts, since I have locked myself in to doing "Script Frenzy" (although that will be the webcomic we spoke about! *sheepish grin*)

Should probably experiment with something like that in my art thread after the Cup, and before MoP.

[Sensar]

What I would say, to add to everyone's feedback, is work on properly formatting the script that you working on. I took a few Production classes with a brilliant teacher, and he made sure we knew how to write the scripts. Dialogue wise, it's fine, but you miss important factors that establish the setting within this medium.

Here's a site I just found that might help: www.scriptologist.com/Magazine/Formatting/formatting.html

[Jenny (Reffy)]

Oh! Now that will be helpful. Going to check out that website - thank you!

I was just considering asking you to look over my scripts since you are well connected with the theater! Beat me to it. Need to get some good practice under my belt before April. I've only read a few scripts, learning as I go along. Think that website will help a great deal.

Have you considered doing "Script Frenzy"? It is probably partly up your alley, considering the theater stuff. 100 pages script in April. I'm doing a script for a webcomic.