Damn Proud

[ARSmith ((Wolfeh))]

... Omg, my friend pissed me off in class Monday, which is -really- hard to do. We had to write a paragraph or two for PAP Language Arts for our substitute over Citizenship. She recommended we think of the army. My ex-friend, Jasmine, made a remark. She said," People only go into the army to get shot. They aren't fighting for 'their' country. It's stupid. They could do other things, like maybe work -in- 'their' country. " By God, she is so stupid after her break-up, and a friggen bitch to boot. It did, however, inspire me. Well, here I go. :]

.: Damn Proud :.

What do you see when you lie down with me,
On the battlefield of strife and war?
Do you see a country filled with men and women,
Fighting for a cause worth fighting for?

Damn proud is what you oughta be,
For standing on a free land.
Damn proud is what you need to be,
When death is on demand.

What do you see when you lie down with me,
On the resting ground of grave and death?
Do you see a country's men and women,
Reluctant to give their very last breath?

Damn proud is what you oughta be,
For standing on a free land.
Damn proud is what you need to be,
When death is on demand.

Take a good second look,
At all the dead and gone.
Then look at you and me,
And ask yourself what's being done.

We are simply alive through the price of others.
Alive through the power of unity.
And here we stand side by side,
Sisters to a beautiful country.

So what do you see when you lie down with me,
On the battlefield of strife and war?
Do you see a country filled with men and women,
Fighting for a cause worth fighting for?

Damn proud is what you oughta be,
For standing on the freedom land.
Damn proud is what you need to be,
When death is on demand.

[Injin]

I find this quite patriotic

[Jenny (Reffy)]

Ugh! Friends! I know a friend of mine who probably would have said the same thing - and I woulda bitch-slapped her for it ;D

What do you see when you lie down with me,
On the battlefield of strife and war?
Not sure lie down is the correct word to use here, felt odd. Although I do like the idea of "looking" at him.

Damn proud is what you oughta be,
LIKED the use of "oughta."

LOVED that you used the 1st line from paragraph one and two again on the latter paragraphs. Wishing you could have done that for all the paragraphs but then it may have become repetitive.

Take a good second look,
At all the dead and gone.
Then look at you and me,
And ask yourself what's being done.
Think this paragraph needs a little more work. It didn't match the beat/pace the others did - unless you did this on purpose that is

We are simply alive through the price of others.
EXTREMELY POWERFUL! LOVED!

Very patriotic and very powerful. Extremely good piece, kudos. It can sometimes be hard to reach the right point of respect in these things and I think you got it head on! ;D *salutes*

[tamwyn]

Hrmm, hum. I've said before its kind of hard to judge poetry, but I'll take another stab at it.

"What do you see when you lie down with me," - I think that "lie" should be "lay", but that's just me. It makes it smoother when I read it.

"On the resting ground of grave and death," - This seemed a little odd. Grave doesn't seem the right word here. Maybe "ground of the bravery's death"? Dunno. Grave and death just don't click for me there.

"Alive through the power of unity. And here we stand side by side, Sisters to a beautiful country." - This was a little funny to say, but understandable. Ryhming poetry is difficult and you do a great job otherwise.

"When death is on demand." I feel ashamed...but I lol'd. Maybe "When death is here on hand."? Dunno again!

Overall, you did awesome. It actually made me feel proud to be an American and made me feel guilty for not joining the army.

Should make this poem a recruitment poster.

[Dylaria]

Alright, I'm gonna take a stab at this here "reviewing" thing again. I'm gonna go by section an point out stuff that caught my eye. Note I'm a better critic than teller of praise so don't take anything I say too hard okay? Cause if I don't mention something that means that it flowed well enough that I didn't give it a second thought. (which is a complement in itself)


Sections 1 and 7:
"What do you see when you lie down with me,"

I know it's already been said but I don't know if "lie down with me" is the best way of putting it. With the next line being "On the battlefield of strife and war?" (a line I quite like), I personally think an action like walking or standing or perhaps some other means of looking over would fit a little better. Other than that nothing to say but solid.

Sections 2 and 4 and 8:
"When death is on demand."

Very small thing here, and that is the word "on." Maybe I'm missing what you really mean in this line but (again in my humble opinion) the words "the" or "in" might have flowed a little better.

"Damn proud is what you need to be,"

First off, this works without needing any change so this is extremely petty. Still "need" feels a little strong as if there is no other option. If you were going for a very strong manner of saying it then ignore this.

Again though, overall it works and sends a strong message.

Section 3:
"On the resting ground of grave and death?"

I'll be honest, I'm not too hot on the use of grave there. Maybe if it were "graves" indicating the things rather than a magnitude or feeling. Going by a thing rather than feeling maybe use something you would see somewhere that soldiers and the like die, such as bodies, blood etc. If you were trying to convey feeling though that is just as well and detracts nothing. There might be better words if you were trying to go the feeling route but I'm at a loss of better ones at the moment I'm afraid. I do like the mention of the other side though, that victory comes with sacrifice.

"Reluctant to give their very last breath?"

Again, I might be thinking of a different message here. I'm assuming you mean a spiritual sense of country and such. If so it felt to me slightly unclear but it does work. If you were referring to the people themselves though it almost seems as if they are reluctant to give their lives to the cause if needed. I figure this isn't what you intended though so I'll leave it alone.

Section 5:
"Then look at you and me,
And ask yourself what's being done."

This reads a little weird to me. It is slower than the rest of the piece and seems to break tempo with it. I can't say if that is good or not but "at you and me" seems just a little odd, maybe use "I" but I'm not sure of a fix or even if it needs one. As for the lower quoted line, the "yourself" seems to just be a slower but again if that was what you wanted then it isn't a problem but rather a great way to slow the pace.

Section 6:

I haven't much to say here besides that I loved this part. There may be something I'm missing but I can't find anything that doesn't fit perfectly. So, great job here. Brava!


Overall: It did what it seems it was created to do quite well. It for the vast majority read quite well and nothing was flawed enough to detract enjoyment of the piece. Admittedly a lot of what I picked up on for "flaws" were very petty and some were quite possibly simply differences in writing style. This in itself is a good thing, nothing was really -wrong- with it, just a couple things that stuck out to me. With that in mind, I have to say it was quite well done.

PS: Tam is right, the recruitment office should ask your permission to use this. Better than most the stuff they have come up with in years.

[ARSmith ((Wolfeh))]

Ha... Thanks, ya'll. I'm an amateur, but I'm trying. :]

[Meleta/Isoldaa]

(( Anyone who tries to apply structure and rhyme to their poetry in the day and age of "free verse" automatically gets huge kudo points, from me at least. And you may say you're an amateur, and say you're "just trying," but as you know, it's nowhere near as easy as it looks.

That said, there are definitely some awkward phrases, many of which Dyl already pointed out, so I won't go too deeply into those. I'll only say the times it seemed a bit awkward was when you dropped out of the vernacular, emotional speech, and tried to kick up the formality of what you were saying.

The only other thing I had a question about, was the identity of the person who is doing the "speaking?" At some points, it sounded as if you were using the voice of a soldier (to me, at least, the phrase "... when you lie down with me... " almost seems to say that the speaker is dead, in the grave, calling on others to remember his/her sacrifice?). And then at other points, your own voice seems to come through loudest (and I'll assume, of course, that you are not actually in the military?)

All in all a great piece for one of your first stabs at poetry, and glad you got it in you not only to write it, but to post it, too. ))

[ARSmith ((Wolfeh))]

Alright. Here's my second whack at it after reviewing the critique. :]

.: Damn Proud - Revised :.

What do you see when you stand there with me,
On the battlefield of strife and war?
Do you see a country filled with men and women,
Fighting for a cause worth fighting for?

Damn proud is what you oughta be,
For standing on a free land.
Damn proud is what you oughta to be,
When death is in demand.

What do you see when you stand there with me,
On the battlefield of mourn and death?
Do you see a country's men and women,
Fighting to keep fighting, reluctant to give their very last breath?

Damn proud is what you oughta be,
For living in a free land.
Damn proud is what you oughta to be,
When death is in demand.

Walk with me on the battlefield,
Invisible to the eyes of soldiers.
Watch as blood spews and as guns are fired,
And tell me now why they do this for others.

We are simply alive through the price of them.
Alive through the power of unity.
And here we stand, side-by-side,
Sisters to a heavenly beautiful country.

So what do you see when you walk back with me,
On the battlefield of strife and war?
Do you see a country filled with men and women,
Fighting for a cause worth fighting for?

Damn proud is what you oughta be,
For living on the freedom land.
Damn proud is what you oughta to be,
When death is in demand.

[James]

((Alright, this review will probably fail because it's poetry and I'm a pacifist but...

The repetition throughout the poem really worked and emphasised the message. The informality of the piece was also a nice touch, which lent to the poem feeling far more personal. And as Mel mentioned, sometimes you just took away at informality and that just loss the flow a bit.

Everyone else has seemed to cover the parts that might need fixing.

Edit: And then you go and post something new as I'm reviewing!

*shake fists comically*

Youngin'. ))

[ARSmith ((Wolfeh))]

[[ Hehe... -Smiles rather innocently- ]]