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Endless
Nov 6, 2009 21:34:45 GMT -5
Post by ARSmith ((Wolfeh)) on Nov 6, 2009 21:34:45 GMT -5
.: Endless :. [ Written in someone else's prospective ] Endless. Crashing waves of rue brisking me away into sea.
I'd helped myself into his heart, I believed,
Making a trade with the devil, sacrificing my own in exchange for his love and compassion.
He took care of it, my heart. He did. Never wronged it horribly, at least.
Was I fool to believe that he'd never hurt it? Ever throw it to the wolves?
For too long, he plotted, led me on, hid my heart in his deceptive curtains of fake love.
Yes. Fake. Not the original. Pretend.
He twisted it not long after it began, drowning me in my own emotion.
Not his. He had no sympathy for an average girl with dreams.
It was endless. The shock of regret for allowing him in crashing over me like an angered wave...
...Drawing me away from the shore... from the will to go on...[[ Wrote it with thoughts of my boy-crazy, heart broken, and confused best friend who I'd do anything for. It came off the back of my hand just now. I didn't think it over, just typed. Kay... constructive critique... KGO ]] |
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Endless
Nov 6, 2009 22:23:52 GMT -5
Post by ARSmith ((Wolfeh)) on Nov 6, 2009 22:23:52 GMT -5
Aw... someone loves all my poems. ^^ Thank you, anonymous!
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Endless
Nov 11, 2009 21:45:07 GMT -5
Post by ARSmith ((Wolfeh)) on Nov 11, 2009 21:45:07 GMT -5
No one going to give me critique that is vital to my young, poor mind!? o.o; ...
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Lilam
Junior Author
SWAG
Posts: 2,785
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Endless
Nov 11, 2009 22:54:07 GMT -5
Post by Lilam on Nov 11, 2009 22:54:07 GMT -5
.: Endless :. [ Written in someone else's prospective ] Endless. Crashing waves of rue brisking me away into sea.
I'd helped myself into his heart, I believed,
Making a trade with the devil, sacrificing my own in exchange for his love and compassion.
He took care of it, my heart. He did. Never wronged it horribly, at least.
Was I fool to believe that he'd never hurt it? Ever throw it to the wolves?
For too long, he plotted, led me on, hid my heart in his deceptive curtains of fake love.
Yes. Fake. Not the original. Pretend.
He twisted it not long after it began, drowning me in my own emotion.
Not his. He had no sympathy for an average girl with dreams.
It was endless. The shock of regret for allowing him in crashing over me like an angered wave...
...Drawing me away from the shore... from the will to go on...[[ Wrote it with thoughts of my boy-crazy, heart broken, and confused best friend who I'd do anything for. It came off the back of my hand just now. I didn't think it over, just typed. Kay... constructive critique... KGO ]] ((I really liked it. ^_^ The tone was spot on -- it really conveyed the confusion, hurt, and sorrow of the speaker. I like when I can sympathize with the speaker.  As far as constructive criticism goes, I'd say that there were a few parts that seemed a bit forced or sounded too "flowery" (i.e. "deceptive curtains of fake love" and "crashing waves of rue") but nothing too distracting. Though the second line is my favorite, it reads a little awkward... but I don't think anything is grammatically wrong with it... maybe it's just the contraction ("I'd") that's throwing it off for me, however, that's just a persona opinion, not really a critique. I like how the poem ended with ellipses; kinda' like the ebb and flow of waves on beach... well, at least in my mind anyways. I also liked the title... I don't have a reason why, I just do.  The seventh and ninth lines don't feel like they fit with the language and flow of the rest of the poem, but again, that may just be an opinion of mine. Anywhozit, great job! Especially for something you just wrote off the top of your noggin.  *huggles* )) |
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Endless
Nov 19, 2009 21:39:29 GMT -5
Post by ARSmith ((Wolfeh)) on Nov 19, 2009 21:39:29 GMT -5
Thank you. ^^ Anyone else? It'll help a little girl achieve a big dream! : D
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The seventh and ninth lines don't feel like they fit with the language and flow of the rest of the poem, but again, that may just be an opinion of mine. Anywhozit, great job! Especially for something you just wrote off the top of your noggin. 
*huggles* ))