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Post by tamwyn on Dec 2, 2009 22:46:47 GMT -5
“Alright, Rus. I’ve got a job for you,” Ty said, looking at the Wraith factory and the storm overlooking it. “Jos is on his way with his squad of marines. I need you to take out the snipers up top so we can get in and open the door for em. After you get the snipers, follow us in. Think you can do all that?”
“Aww, Sarge, you can trust me. This’ll be easy,” Rus said, chuckling with eagerness. He hefted the Sniper Rifle in his hands, causing the stabilizers swing around. “Just wait for my signal.”
“Roger. Jacks, Tex. You’re with me. Nick, keep the Wraith back for now,” Ty commanded, heading toward the sandy dune with the two ODST’s in tow. They rested down on their stomachs, their desert-colored armor blending them in with the surroundings.
“Alright, targeting,” Nick said, using the Wraith’s sensors to check the rooftop. “We’ve got five Jackals with Beam Rifles and a couple of Shades on the corners.”
“Roger,” Rus replied, dropping to the ground and resting the butt of his rifle against his shoulder. Zooming once, he scoped out the opposition. A couple of Jackals milled about on the roof, running their patrol lanes. Another three were hackling one of the Grunts in the Shade Turret, poking it with their rifles. The other Shade moved back and forth across its zone, its barrels glowing a menacing purple.
“Affirmative. All targets accounted for. Wait for my signal,” Rus whispered over the comlink, sweat running down his brow despite his suit’s temperature controls. Zooming in once more to sight the tip of the Grunt’s head in the moving turret, he blinked.
Crack-crack.
The Grunt slumped in its seat as the bullet whizzed through its skull cavity. The three Jackals by the other one looked over at the dead gunner.
Crack-crack.
The other Grunt fell out of the other Shade, its blood splattering its previous tormentors. They squawked and jumped, diving for cover. The other two Jackals already had him sighted up and let loose a barrage of beams. Rus threw up his left pauldron, thickened to offer him protection against one or two shots.
Fortunately, none of the shots hit him, though one did turn the sand next to him into sizzling glass. He got back into position and shot two more times, knocking down both Jackals. The other three still hadn’t surfaced. He reloaded quickly, dropping the empty cartridge in the sand beside him and clacking in a new one.
“All but three targets neutralized, Ty. Those haven’t surfaced. Still want to go?”
“Like you said, Rus, I have to trust you. If you see em pop up, take them out before they take me out,” Ty replied, jumping to his feet and running down the side of the dune, followed closely by Jacks and Tex. They fired as they ran down, turning the Elite and squad of Grunts guarding the doorway into mince meat.
Rus turned his attention back to the roof, hearing Nick lobbing a few discharges at the Wraith coming around the corner. One of the Jackals was poking his head up above the short wall, the only cover on the side of the roof.
Crack-crack.
“Two target’s left on the roof, Ty,” Rus said, his voice a monotone as he took out another of the Jackals when it tried to return fire quickly. “One more down.”
“Roger. We’re at the doorway. Tex, breach the door. Jacks, you come in behind me. Aim high.”
“Rus, aim for the left side. Covenant infantry rushing around the corner," Nick said over the radio.
“Can’t you take care of it? I’m a little busy with the roof.”
“Oh, sure. You can have the Wraith then. Good luck getting a shot through that armor.”
“Covering.”
“Go, go, go,” Ty yelled, the door busting open and the three running in. Rus took it all in as he moved down to the left side with his scope. A couple of Brutes and Jackals were firing at the dune around him. They didn’t know where he was exactly.
Crack-crack.
He brought down a Brute. The rest of the force focused on his position. He rolled to the side as a plasma grenade impacted the sand beside him. It exploded just as he got up and ran, causing the alarms in his suit to go off. The sniper rifle banged off his helmet as it skidded across the sand. Rus followed it, dropping to his belly again and grabbing the rifle.
He sighted up a Jackal. It’s ugly beak cracked as his bullet sheared through it. The thing fell to the ground, the others around it raising their shields. The remaining Brute threw its weapon down, roared, and charged up the dune.
He didn’t have time to reload, so he ditched the rifle and scrambled to his feet, walking backwards and grabbing his Battle Rifle. The Brute crested the hill to a spray of bullets as he flicked the switch to full auto. Its shields went out, but that only enraged it, causing the beast to run at him on all fours. Bullets thudded into it, round after round penetrating its thick hide.
He clicked empty.
“Shit!”
Rus was slammed to the ground as the Brute hit him like a truck. It started beating on his chest plate. He thought he heard the armor crack.
Dew-dew-dew-dew-dew-dew.
Superheated plasma passed over his suit, so many alarms and status lights telling him he was FUBAR he couldn’t see straight. The weight disappeared from his chest. He inhaled sharply, crying out in pain as he did so.
“Rus? You there, man?”
Rus struggled to breathe, his hands scratching at his chestplate. He thought he heard thuds getting louder, a voice in his ears telling him to hang on. He closed his eyes and the sounds around him dimmed. Bright light seared through his eyelids. The sounds got louder. He felt wind and sand rushing around his face, more forceful by the second.
“Rus, hold on. I got ya.”
He looked to the side to see a shadow over him, fiddling with something. A sharp pain jabbed in his chest and he bit back a scream. He felt a cold, biting feeling in his chest, as if a million ants were crawling inside his ribcage. The feeling was accompanied with sharper sight and hearing. His head cleared as he looked down at his chest. There was a puncture right above his heavily armored mid-chest section.
“C’mon Rus. We need to get into the Wraith.” Rus nodded, grabbing Nick’s hand, standing up with a grimace. Nick shoved his helmet into his arms and he secured it with a snap. He slung his arm over the other ODST’s shoulder as they walked toward the Wraith. Explosions hit the ground near them, near the tank, near them again. He looked up. The sun was swallowed up by the storm and a wall of tan rushed toward them from behind the factory.
The pitted armor of the Wraith soon filled his vision and he scrambled up into the Gunner’s seat, grabbing a hold on the light plasma turret. He gritted his teeth against the pain as Nick moved the tank forward. Sand ran across his visor. A crack appeared in it as a sharp piece of shale hit it.
Plasma fire scorched the air around him, hitting the tank’s chassis and barely scratching it. Rus returned fire eagerly, mowing down the reinforcements coming from the left and right sides. A big door opened on the factory’s side and Nick gunned the throttle, boosting them toward it. They entered at high speeds and crashed into a plasma belt carrying pieces of Wraith armament. It stopped them cold, the parts directly in front of them thrown forward.
“Close the door! Now, Jacks!”
“I’m trying! It won’t let me close it with all those Covenant crowding in!”
A couple of Jackals were rushing in, sand coming in with them.
“Well override it, damnit!”
“Working…”
Cries of pain echoed from the outside as the storm enveloped the building and cut off all the light in the doorway. The Jackals grew panicked and dived inside, followed by bleeding Brutes.
“Don’t worry about it. One Covenant clearing plasma blob coming right up!”
The blast echoed in the cavernous space. Rus’ vision grew blurry and he fell back into the seat.
“Close it!”
The doors slammed together and he fell victim to the darkness. |
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Post by Jenny (Reffy) on Dec 2, 2009 23:21:14 GMT -5
Ok. Never played Halo, probably never will. I'm not a Sci-Fi chick, and don't really do FPS games. So, sorry if I miss a lot or get things wrong  - before…something - Needs spaces! - You know that tin can of yours is maneuverable, right?” LIKED. Little bit of humor. - laughing over the radio. Always the joker, Jacks thought moodily. - Just my opinion, but I think "moodily" was a weak word to use in this situation. - The whole thing was very lighthearted, which was sweet and pleasant to read. Not sure if it should be or not, considering it is supposed to be "shoot, shoot - ALIENS - bang, bang, shoot!"  This is where I really need to play the game to know. - “Jacks? What’s going on? Jacks, please respond,” Ty said, his voice betraying the frustration of waiting for information. LIKED. Probably the first bit of actual tangible emotion so far. - You mixed up real life voice with mic/communication voice italics. This confused me a little. Happened when Tex saw something. Or where they talking by comms? Not entirely sure. Got lost here - could do with clearing up a little for the reader-ease. - Are they referred to as ODST's? Or should you be using the long-term-wotsit for it? - “Wort, wort!” the Elite warbled - Would have liked a description of the Elite thingy considering I have no idea what it is, lulz. Might have developed the situation further and made it more scary/tense. (Also, pink needles? They fire pink needles? You have to be kidding! lulz!) - I liked the pacing. Was quick enough to draw me on and not stale. The sentences the right length. Paragraphs felt a little short, but think that is ok in this case. - Tex's sudden emotion threw me a little. - Nice twist at the end. Gus driving what I can guess is a baddies spaceship. ~~~~~ - where a Wraith was being worked on by floating sacks of what looked like Old Earth’s jellyfish. Liked that whole paragraph - guys…hope - again, spaces! - Still nice pacing. Well done on continuing it successfully. - He laughed to himself, walking into the doorframe to see the Grunt with its hands on two spherical objects. It stared at him with its beady little eyes, a slight tremble to its triangular frame giving away its fear. Nicky stared back at it, a cold feeling of dread running down his spine. LOVED! - Amazed the ODST wotsit didn't get at least a little hurt after getting shot but those exploding pink needles and suicide bomber. Think a little hurt would have made the situation feel a little more real. It's no fun having characters who don't get hurt. ~~~~~ - A couple of Jackals milled about on the roof. LIKED the use of milled - Fortunately, none of the shots hit him, though one did turn the sand next to him into sizzling glass. O.o Interesting - Rus said, his voice a monotone. LIKED the use of monotone. - Dew-dew-dew-dew-dew-dew - sorry but this made me lol >.> - status lights telling him he was FUBAR he couldn’t see straight. Is FUBAR a technical term in ODST? Coz if it isn't then I don't think it should have been used in a piece of writing, unless it is in dialogue. - LOVED the ending. Was pretty intense despite not fully understanding what was going on. ~~~~~ On the whole, a very strong piece. Excellent work |
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Post by Meleta/Isoldaa on Dec 13, 2009 2:27:50 GMT -5
(( In your first installment I was enjoying the dialogue quite a bit. The only thing I did not care for, actually, was the tearful Tex - it seemed a bit... mmm... contrived? And just because she's a girl, doesn't mean she has to cry. She's a woman of much bad assery, after all...  The second section - it's almost impossible for someone who doesn't know what a grunt, a Jackal or an ODST is, to follow. Yes, I get the idea of a suiciding soldier wanting to take some of the enemy with him, but without the descriptions it's really hard to picture (It was VERY helpful when you described the Engineers like "old Earth jellyfish" - gave a great picture when one stuck it's seemingly gelatinous head into the cockpit. >< ) Last section: “I’m trying! It won’t let me close it with all those Covenant crowding in!”
A couple of Jackals were rushing in, sand coming in with them. Seemed repetitive, not needed. Overall, it was a fun piece of fanfic. On the whole, I reallyliked the vast majority of hte dialogue, and there were very minimal grammatical/punctuation errors. *big thumbs up* There was also a consistent use of the "vernacular" in a way that military types actually would speak, in the dialogue and the narrative, that made it flow easily. Great job here, Tam.  )) |
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Post by tamwyn on Dec 13, 2009 11:24:25 GMT -5
Yeah, after so much critisism I think I might take out the Tex part in the beginning...it does seem a bit cliched and forced. To the Jackals, Grunts, and ODST's, I suppose I could go edit in some descriptions; make my shorts a little longer Thanks for teh reviewz, Mel & Reffy |
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Post by James on Dec 13, 2009 21:48:30 GMT -5
What I’m going to do is the same with what I did for Evern, which is look at the review I gave you for the assignment and then see how the next piece fits with it. Last review:
So:
Again, another solid improvement and an enjoyable piece. My main complaint last time was the whole “he did this and then he did that,” and you fixed that mostly. They was a far better flow to it and we saw more thoughts between the action. However there was the odd occasion where you relapsed and we had a paragraph of “He did that… he turned… he did this…blah blah”, so just avoid that. But far better variation this time.
Having not played much Halo, I agree with Mel, that there could be far more descriptions in the piece. I think that’s the curse with fanfiction, you think you can get away without describing stuff. Don’t do that! Describe what you can and keep the flow going. The use of the jellyfish is a perfect example of this because it worked brilliantly.
And like last time, the dialogue felt realistic and I felt a connection to the characters, so good work Tam. It’s improving with every post.
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This is where I really need to play the game to know.
))
