Pendant

[ARSmith ((Wolfeh))]

[[ Lovely! It pulled me in from the start. There were, however, puncuation errors and a sentence or two that didn't make sense, but very, very few of those.

Excellent! Keep up the good work! :] ]]

[JMDavis ((Silver))]

<”You know our laws, Daughter. No human is allowed within our village. They are creatures of destruction that spread corruption wherever they walk.”> The tall, white-haired elf looked down upon the warrior in front of him. <”Laniala, you should have let the Foul Ones have him, now they might come for him and assault us…”>

<”The Foul Ones couldn’t find our village, let alone assault it for any length of time. Besides, almost their entire hunting party was killed, or left in no shape to hunt us down.”> Laniala argued, she stood with her arms crossed, still wearing the wood and cloth armor of one of the Rangers.

Her father’s bright blue eyes turned to ice as they narrowed, the grip he had on the staff at his side, one that still continued to grow and blossom, tightened till his knuckles were white. <”Valendil died, did he not? And Ariesela was gravely wounded by their leader, and for what? Sparing the life of a human whelp?”>

<”Keeping them out of our wood? My motives in this were not selfish, Father. You know as well as I that Foul Ones spread corruption and destruction faster than humans. You’ve seen the Misting Lands to know the extent to their corruption.”> She shot back, her jaw clenching slightly.

The older elf grimaced, and looked at the face of the sleeping human. <”He may stay until he is healed, then. But only that long, once he is well enough to walk I want him out of these woods. Understood?”>

There was a long silence between the two elves before Laniala gave a quick nod of her head, <”Understood.”>

The older elf gave a slight bow of his head and turned, marching off, his staff making a click, click whenever the butt bounced off the stone floor. Laniala watched as her father left before falling down into a chair beside the bed. “Hmph!” She crossed her arms, giving a slight pout at only partially getting her way.

~~~

The boy heard sounds, flowing and musical, though he could make out no words. The sounds caused his heart to ache from the beauty. The tone suggested anger and… pleading? He shook his head trying to make sense of it all, regretting he hadn’t done so a moment later when a dull pain shot through his skull. A pained groan escaped his lips, and his whole face clenched in pain.

Gentle words came to him, they kept the same musical quality only now he could understand the words. Even though the words came at an almost inhuman speed. “Don’t move too much, you received a severe blow to the head.”

His eyes slowly cracked open. The dying light of the sun shown into the room, painting everything in dark shades of red. A slightly blurred figure came into view in front of his eyes, his vision cleared and the figure was given shape and beauty. Long black and blue hair hung about a pale, heart-shaped face. Almond-shaped, crystal blue eyes stared down at him with worry, the orbs slowly brightening when she gave him a weak smile. “Welcome back to the land of the living,” she said with a light laugh.

He started to turn his head to look around, but paused when he felt the dull throb that would lance through him again. He closed his eyes to fight away that dull ache and licked his dry lips to try and moisten them, “Where-?” His voice came out as a croak, and he only now felt the rawness of his throat.

“Hold that thought!” The girl vanished from view for a moment, a sound that sickeningly reminded him of the axe slicing through the tree and into the ranger reached his ears, followed by the pattering of liquid splashing across stone. The beautiful woman filled his vision again, this time holding half of a strange fruit in her hands, the rind was golden with ringed purple stripes and filled with a strange blue juice and flesh.

Could it be poisonous? But why go through the trouble of saving him from those… things only to kill him now? He looked between the fruit and the smiling face of the woman before opening his mouth and accepting the juice.

The flavor! The glorious flavor! It was like nothing he had ever had before. The sweetness of the fruit was matched only by the sharp tang that gave a kick as it rushed across his parched mouth and throat. Energy surged through his limbs, he felt the pain dull for a moment and started to sit up, before it all came flooding back. The pain, the exhaustion of his flight through the wood. He fell back with a long groan, flashes of pain turned light dancing before his eyes.

“Ah, are you…” she paused, that would be foolish to ask if he was okay, he was punched in the back of the neck by a Foul One, of course he wouldn’t be okay. “I should have warned you about that, sorry.” She hesitated for a moment before pressing the rind to his lips again. The boy’s lips opened and he drank the juice down again, feeling his pain fade once more. “It acts as a dampener, as long as you do nothing that would cause the pain to flare.”

“Yeah… might have been nice to know,” he murmured, taking a few shuddering breaths to attempt to organize his thoughts. “Alright… where am I?”

“Currently you’re in the Resting House in Kadi os Madyrn.” The last words came out in that language he had heard before waking.

“In… what?”

“The Glade of Shadows, in your language.”

“My language? What?”

“Yes, your language.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“Well… you’re in an elf village…”

And for the second time, the boy found himself fainting, for he rested in a village surrounded by myths.

[Mena]

"The one who dominated his vision" clunky, "The ones dominating his vision" would be better imo.

Arrows fell short but still hit, confusing. I'm not sure how they could fall short but still hit.

[JMDavis ((Silver))]

Oct 27, 2009 23:27:18 GMT -5 Mena said:

"The one who dominated his vision" clunky, "The ones dominating his vision" would be better imo.

Arrows fell short but still hit, confusing. I'm not sure how they could fall short but still hit.

A few had fallen short, the others had hit the warleader.

Small edit: They fell short from hitting his flesh.

[Lilam]

((I liked the first paragraph. Only one minor nitpick:

The trees were his enemies, they clung to his clothes, tore at his skin and blinded him with their wicked leaves.

Feels like there should be a semicolon or a period after "enemies". Maybe it's just me.

The boy stumbled out into a clearing, cold fear gripped him, rooting him in place as he saw the other side of the clearing, twenty yards away, something told him the things could outpace him, be even closer than they were now because of the clearing.

This reads like a run on sentence. Perhaps a period after "twenty yards away" would be less of a mouthful?

...even his mind couldn’t get him to respond he was so gripped in the cold claws of fear.

The boy stumbled out into a clearing, cold fear gripped him...

Repetition of "cold fear", though slightly reworded.

They had large, lantern jaws with hideous yellowed fangs jutting up from beneath, a few had steel-capped fangs with baleful runes carved into the metal that hurt the eyes to even glance at.

I'm not sure what a "lantern" jaw is... but this could be my own ignorance. I really don't know what you're implying here. Also, I think this is another run-on sentence. It flows better if there is a period after "beneath".

The ones who dominated his vision wore a piecemeal armor many pieces slowly succumbing to rust from neglect.

I feel that there should be a semicolon or dash after "armor".

while the heads of the maces and fails

Did you mean "flails"? Again, it could just be my ignorance of weapons...

A loud shout of outrage drew his eyes open, the green skinned behemoth was reeling backwards, thick sludge-like blood oozing from several arrow wounds, a few had fallen too short and were embedded in the interlocking chains across it’s chest.

Another run-on. This could be made into three separate sentences.

It’s head jerked about...

Its not "It's".

...an arrow streaking out of a stand of trees to stagger him slightly, embedding into his right bicep.

I dunno what a "stand" of trees is... clarification plz? >_<

A shadowy form slipped down behind one of the trees, obviously trying to avoid the sight of the monsters.

This is just an opinion, but I think the "obviously" in that sentence is unnecessary. It sounds weird to me.

The armor almost seemed to snap apart as muscles coiled, the monster let fly the axe, blade and haft spinning end over end before shearing through the tree and the opponent who laid behind.

Run-on. Perhaps a period after "coiled".

Slim forms dropped down from across the way, they wore a strange armor, the plates of it not being made of metal but of polished wood over baggy white clothing, cloth was bound in thick layers over their heads, only allowing a pair of almond shaped eyes to peer out.

Run-on.

The monsters let loose a bellow and charged at the new enemies, five more arrows streamed from each bow before the boy’s unexpected saviors dropped their bows and drew strange weapons.

I'm starting to think that some of your run-ons could be fixed if you changed the tense of some of your verbs or used more gerunds. Like, this one should read:

"The monsters let loos a bellow and charged at the new enemies, five more arrows streaming from each bow before the boy's unexpected saviors... etc."

Slim forms...

...slim warriors.

Slim used to describe the warriors twice.

Other than the excessive run-ons, it was good. Nicely written intro. ^_^ ))

[JMDavis ((Silver))]

(( diodon349.com/Vets_stuff/Vet_images/in_memoriam.jpg Lantern jaw, meant flails, and a stand of trees is like a copse, except smaller I think.))

[Lilam]

Oct 28, 2009 20:21:05 GMT -5 JMDavis ((Silver)) said:

(( diodon349.com/Vets_stuff/Vet_images/in_memoriam.jpg Lantern jaw, meant flails, and a stand of trees is like a copse, except smaller I think.))

((Thanks! Didn't know that. Ya' learn something everyday. ))

[JMDavis ((Silver))]

I also, oddly enough, don't see the "slim warriors." part in the word doc..

No wonder... looks like I typed two different things for some reason.

[AEShenhav (Ali)]

Good story so far, Silver. It's enjoyable to read, descriptive and paints the setting very well.

The first paragraph of the intro is a little weird though. It talks too briefly about the object he stole and then moves on without another word of it. I'd suggest going into a little more detail about it, not much of coarse as it seems that you want to keep the object a secret for the time being. I'd just say maybe a little bit more on how he feels about it and about how he acquired it. It's certainly okay to be vague, though I -think- it may be a pendant. ;D I just felt it moved on from it far too quickly.

Other than that, the story is well done. It's certainly not boring and aside from the opening paragraph, moves at a good pace. The grammar could use a little revising in places so I'd suggest a reread though. I'm not good at suggesting what's what, so I'll leave that to Lilam.

Overall, I look forward to seeing where this goes in the future. Just be careful Silver, I can see it going cliche later on. Just keep that in mind and keep up the good work.

[JMDavis ((Silver))]

Oct 29, 2009 12:46:17 GMT -5 AEShenhav (Ali) said:

Good story so far, Silver. It's enjoyable to read, descriptive and paints the setting very well.

The first paragraph of the intro is a little weird though. It talks too briefly about the object he stole and then moves on without another word of it. I'd suggest going into a little more detail about it, not much of coarse as it seems that you want to keep the object a secret for the time being. I'd just say maybe a little bit more on how he feels about it and about how he acquired it. It's certainly okay to be vague, though I -think- it may be a pendant. ;D I just felt it moved on from it far too quickly.

Other than that, the story is well done. It's certainly not boring and aside from the opening paragraph, moves at a good pace. The grammar could use a little revising in places so I'd suggest a reread though. I'm not good at suggesting what's what, so I'll leave that to Lilam.

Overall, I look forward to seeing where this goes in the future. Just be careful Silver, I can see it going cliche later on. Just keep that in mind and keep up the good work.

I'm working on the next chapter right now. But I'm gonna use the old first posts to actually give a good idea for what's been seen so far and such. As well as stuff for the upcoming parts!

[JMDavis ((Silver))]

Something cold and sticky splashed across his face. A slight tingling raced across his skin, like the feeling when a part of the body has fallen asleep and is being forced awake. His eyes flickered open, expecting to wake up in his small alleyway hovel back in Fort Byon. But the smell of human and animal waste did not greet him. His bones didn’t ache from the coldness that would seep into him through the earth and thin cloth he called a blanket. He didn’t hear the barking calls of merchants, or the snarls of alley dogs fighting over scraps of food.

Instead he caught the sweet smell of the forest, of flowers blooming. He felt warmer than he had in a long time, and felt like he was sleeping on air. Birds chimed and chattered, singing their chorus for the world to hear. He felt more drops splash across his face. Once more a face reserved for angels greeted him, one that would force a man to stop and stare.

A groan of annoyance erupted from his mouth. It hadn’t been a dream. He was in a house that shouldn’t exist. In a village that shouldn’t exist. Surrounded by creatures who shouldn’t exist.

“What’s wrong?” The girl asked, tilting her head curiously.

“You don’t exist. Stop talking to me.” He muttered.

The elf blinked, before reaching a hand out and pinching his arm. “Yeow! What was that for?!”

“See? I exist, or else you wouldn’t have felt any pain.” She stated matter-of-factly.

He stared at the childishness and shook his head, “No. I mean, you’re not supposed to exist. Elves are fairy tales people tell their children.”

A musical laugh echoed from the girl, “Is that what humans have come too? I would have hoped your people held a longer memory, even with so short of lives. Alas I’m mistaken, and my father’s words prove true…”

Now it was his turn for his head to tilt curiously.

“We elves stood alongside humans in the past. Granted this was over a hundred thousand years ago. But we fought against a great Beast Horde that was threatening to wipe our peoples out. I suppose us fading into the woods after that sort of helped to paint us as myths.”

She gave a shrug of her slender shoulders, “Anyways, I believe introductions are in order. I am Laniala Vel’veren, Ranger Captain of the Western Borders. You may call me Lani, or Myth if you wish!” She added the last part in slight jest, giving a soft giggle to show it was a joke. “And you?”

Why should he give his name to what was obviously a dream? Pain flared in his head for a moment, that certainly told him it wasn’t a dream. That meant… he sighed, “So this is all real…” He shook his head, and didn’t feel any pain. Great, his pain was making sure he would talk. “Uhm, Alexander. The tavern keeper that took me in called me that.”

“So… your people have no last name?”

“No, most do. I think he just needed to name me so he could order me around easier.” Alexander shrugged his shoulders and pushed himself into a sitting position. “Okay, Lani, now that the introductions are out of the way I need to know something. How best to phrase this… What, exactly, were those things chasing me?”

“Thyr Olaer.”

“In my language, if you’d please?”

“Foul Ones, you people know them as orcs.” At his puzzled look she shook her head, “Let me guess… you’ve never heard of them?”

“Well…” he screwed his face up in thought, trying to remember anything he might have heard while working in the tavern for most of his life. “Well… there was one merchant complaining about orcs… or goblins or something, and the two mercenaries he was talking too laughed how he was jumping at bogeymen.” Alexander shook his head, “Otherwise, no.”

She nodded her head, “If only they were… though it isn’t surprising if he mentioned goblins, they are more likely to stalk a merchant travelling alone, and anything they can outnumber they’ll attack. The person in question was lucky indeed.” She waved her hand idly, “But they are not the concern, you wanted to know of the orcs. How best to talk about them…” Lani rested her chin on a balled fist, wracking her brain.

“They aren’t intelligent, for the most part they can be outsmarted by most anything. They are strong, able to break a human’s spine with only minimal effort. They can see well when it is dark, when it is in a slightly dusky setting their eyesight is beyond compare.” Lani frowned, screwing her face up trying to think of anything else before shrugging, “I really cannot think of anything else you haven’t seen for yourself running from them.”

He blinked, “Not very complicated creatures, are they?”

She shook her head and laughed, “No, not really.” She gave him a wide smile and stood up, “I’ll return shortly, going to go and change out of my armor.” She rose and turned, walking out of the Resting House.

Alexander hesitated for a moment, now actually having a chance to look around the room before the last of the light died. Ah-ha! He tossed aside his sheets, stumbling out of his bed, only now realizing he was wearing a baggy shirt and pants instead of his old clothes. Walking over to a chair where a travel worn sack. Opening the top flap he dug around inside before withdrawing the item he sought.

Thick, black iron chains wound down to a single amulet at the end. Made of a different metal, one he had never seen before, that radiated a light and heat of its own. Perfect diamonds and rubies were inset into the metal, their faces catching the light and casting it in beautiful colors against the far wall. The metal was stylized into a three-dimensional the skull of some wicked beast. The skull looking vaguely reptilian. A mass of sharp spikes jutting outward, each one was sharp as any blade.

He was so enchanted by it that he didn’t immediately notice the strange glow it began to emit. He also didn’t hear the swiftly running feet coming toward him, nor the sharp blades that were pressed against his throat.

[JMDavis ((Silver))]

The guards’ fierce eyes looked red in the light, before fading to pools of blackness as the orb sank below the horizon. “Pyr si airaes. Byrn.” The one on the right growled, his voice brooking no argument. Alexander stared at him dumbfounded, still clutching the chain of the pendant.
”Pyr si airaes. Byrn!” The guard shouted again, pressing his blade tighter to the throat of the boy.

His mouth worked for a while, though shock impeded him to be able to form any words for a moment. Incoherent babble came immediately after his silence. When he felt the blades press tighter, he managed to finally spit out what he wanted to say. “What are you saying?!”

His outburst had come out louder than he expected, and when the guard on the right moved his blade to strike him he was sure he was dead. A slim hand shot out, catching the wrist of the guard. ”Ci pyr’s ialaesal iar,” the one on the left whispered quickly in their language. The one on the left turned his gaze from his friend, looking at Alexander. “Drop the item. Now. You’re coming with us.”

Alexander gulped, his hand shaking before he let the item fall. Strong hands grabbed his wrist as the guard on the right began to drag him off. The other had scooped the iron chain onto the edge of his blade, a look of unease on his face. Quickly, the other guard took some cloth tying the amulet in place one-handed. Once it was secure, all three began to leave the Resting House.

Alexander was dragged facing away from where they were headed, and had to jerk his head around when he and his guards came to a sudden stop. Lani stood there, frowning as she looked between Alexander and the two guards. <”What is the meaning of this?”> She growled, her eyes narrowing.

<”The human was found with this.”> The guard on the left said, holding out the blade so the cloth-bound pendant hung in the moonlight.

The look on the elf girl’s face went from one of anger to shock and fear. She cast a nervous glance down to Alexander, before back to the item on the edge of the sword.

<”We are taking him to the Elder Council, please stand aside Lady Vel’veren.”> The other, harsher guard said.

She hesitated some more before shaking her head, giving Alexander hope that whatever they were saying she was trying to defend him. <”I’ll accompany you there. You! Put that… thing out of the light, we don’t want any others to see it.”> She cast one sullen look down to Alexander before turning on her heel and marching off, the two guards following after her with Alexander in tow.

The winding stone path had lead the procession to what looked to be a massive tree, the lowermost branches were wide enough to comfortably fit four, six-room houses placed directly next to one another. Even the leaves of this tree were large. The few he could see clearly looked large enough to be made into a small, two-person boat.

He gave a slight grunt as he bumped into a stone ramp, They could at least treat me a little gently… even if I’m convicted of something. Even as he had the thought it sounded silly, why should they treat him gently? Cause I’m innocent… He thought but didn’t say, shaking his head and trying to take in everything he was seeing.

The stone ramp would lead up into a massive, seemingly natural opening in the tree. Stone gave way to smoothed wood, and he was treated to the inside of this massive tree. Everywhere he turned his head he saw different ramps leading off into other exits into the outside, pairs of guards standing at attention at every exit. The pathways lead off into the heights of the tree, into darkness.

Thankfully, for him, their own course did not lead into the heavens above, but remained on the bottom. Winding through more massive doorways, some smaller than the first had been, the small group finally came to a rest before a panel of thirteen elves. Each member had long hair of the purest white, and all wore robes that were colored in various hues.

The one in the center rose, he had the longest hair of the gathered elves, his robes of white blending in seamlessly with his hair. A staff of aspen was held in his hand, the top having a bright diamond on it. Lani knelt before the tall figure, the two guards being forced to give a half-bow because of their burden. “High Father,” Lani began before a crack of thunder cut her off.

“Silence, Captain.” The old elf said, his blue eyes hard beneath his brows. He took bitter satisfaction in watching her wince before turning his gaze to the two guards. “What has the human done?”

“High Father, if you’ll let me speak.”

“I said silence!” He boomed, the thunder peeling again and showing it erupt from his staff meeting the wood of the tree. Lani shrank beneath that terrible gaze, feeling all too like a young child under his withering stare. It was a long moment before the High Father turned his look back upon the guards, gesturing for them to speak.

The pendant-bearing guard let go of Alexander, allowing him to twist around and watch the proceedings. His mouth gaping as he saw lightning playing across the form of the old elf. “High Father, my companion and myself had been standing guard outside the Resting House as we had been told when we felt something… odd.” He hesitated, keeping his sword blade out of view for the moment.

“When we went to investigate, we saw the human holding…” his face twisted in disgust and fear as he tipped his blade into view. “This.”

The chamber erupted into gasps of shock and fear, four of the elders pushed themselves back and made quick signs in the air. The rest stayed still, their gazes turned to the High Father whose body was almost completely enshrouded in lightning. A blast of wind tore through the room, threatening to slam the surprised guards into walls. The ancient elf allowed the wind to sweep him into it’s embrace and carry him to the ground.

His anger was not directed at Alexander or the guards, but was focused on Laniala. “See what you have done, daughter?!” He roared, marching toward her. The High Father loomed above her, his eyes bright with the power of the storm. “I told you what would happen if you brought a human into our lands! Now look, he has brought with him a relic of the Dark Ones!”

Then that terrible gaze, saturated with such power was turned upon Alexander. The sudden realization that both guards had quickly left, dawned on Alexander as he no longer felt the grip on his wrist. He was rooted to the spot under that horrible stare, “And you…” Robes swirled around the High Father as iron-strong fingers wrapped around Alexander’s throat, hoisting him into the air. “Tell me why I shouldn’t kill you now.”

He opened his mouth to try and speak, feeling his throat constrict as he fought for air. So… he was just saying that for dramatic effect. And now I’m going to die… Spots swam before his vision, and his thought became muddied. An explosion boomed outside, followed by a horrible shriek and the clash of weapon against weapon. Alexander was dropped to the ground, where he gulped air down greedily.

All the elves had turned, looking toward the sounds. There was a pause before another horrible shriek ripped through the night. A guard staggered in, his head sliced open. “My lords and ladies, we are under attack. Orcs and goblins are swarming over the Glade, and seven Champions are bolstering their ranks.”

“Sound the bell, have all forces quickly mobilize.” The High Father ordered the guard, before sweeping his gaze toward the council. “Come, only we can hope to stand against the Champions.” The council members nodded, those who still sat rising up. The same strange wind kicked up around them as the storm blossomed in their eyes and carried them to the ground. They rushed off, flowing around Alexander and the pendant and out through the tree.

Laniala began to stand, moving to join the elders when her father’s aspen staff barred her way. “No, you will stay here and stand watch over the boy. Make sure he doesn’t escape,” he noticed her about to argue and sent a weak charge through his staff into her. She jumped, staring at him in shock. “That is an order.”

In a swirl of robes, the ancient was off, following after the others into the raging battle outside. Lani was left to feel betrayed and alone with the partially conscious Alexander.