Pendant

[JMDavis ((Silver))]

New intro is down at the bottom.

[JMDavis ((Silver))]

Foul Ones:

[JMDavis ((Silver))]

Elves:

[JMDavis ((Silver))]

Dwarves:

[JMDavis ((Silver))]

Humans:

[JMDavis ((Silver))]

Pendant-Bearers:

[James]

((I'm going to be honest here Silver, I don't care for this. There's a lot of parts where you can look to really improve.

A: Writing

It's was alright, but there was time where it was quite literally "And this happened, and this happened and then this happened!" Don't do that. Throw in some emotions. Describe. Show don't tell.

B: Dialogue

The dialogue, except for Alexander, felt forced. It didn't feel real. Read Kaez's sig when you're going back over your work. Does it feel like a real person is saying that? Or a movie star?

C: Storyline

I'm going to reserve judgment on this at the moment. But at the moment it hasn't really captured me yet. I don't feel drawn to it. I don't feel involved in it.

D: The Romance Thing.

I'm not sure if that's the right title. But...just no. It was literally like reading a 13 year old girl's first slightly naughty story with the nudity and everything. It felt like you were giving it too much importance.

...

As I said, the writing by at large was alright. But I think this is lacking at the moment.))

[JMDavis ((Silver))]

Oct 19, 2009 22:24:05 GMT -5 James said:

((I'm going to be honest here Silver, I don't care for this. There's a lot of parts where you can look to really improve.

A: Writing

It's was alright, but there was time where it was quite literally "And this happened, and this happened and then this happened!" Don't do that. Throw in some emotions. Describe. Show don't tell.

B: Dialogue

The dialogue, except for Alexander, felt forced. It didn't feel real. Read Kaez's sig when you're going back over your work. Does it feel like a real person is saying that? Or a movie star?

C: Storyline

I'm going to reserve judgment on this at the moment. But at the moment it hasn't really captured me yet. I don't feel drawn to it. I don't feel involved in it.

D: The Romance Thing.

I'm not sure if that's the right title. But...just no. It was literally like reading a 13 year old girl's first slightly naughty story with the nudity and everything. It felt like you were giving it too much importance.

...

As I said, the writing by at large was alright. But I think this is lacking at the moment.))

Thanks for the honesty, and yeah, much of this was written when I was around... 14 or 15 I believe. I'm going to try to do better on the next installment, and try harder to make the romance actually feel... real. (Lani is actually going to be getting real armor soon, I only did the nudity thing amongst elves to show a sort of difference between them and humans).

[ARSmith ((Wolfeh))]

[[ I enjoyed this, and agree with Agro[Which I will tell you know, I write better stories that comply with nudity, thank you, sir! xD] about alot of this. I do believe you have a great potention, and this is just a mistake that you can learn from." Read it over and try to weave it together. Don't leave a seam loose, or it will tear apart. " -A.R.S.[Me! :]] No hard feelings, though! Keep up the road to writing! ^^ ]]

[JMDavis ((Silver))]

Update.

Scrapping this one and completely restarting the entire story.

So... yeah.

Still gonna be in this thread.

[ARSmith ((Wolfeh))]

Good deal.

[JMDavis ((Silver))]

NEW INTRO

The trees were his enemies; they clung to his clothes, tore at his skin and blinded him with their wicked leaves. He felt the item in his pack, felt it’s enticing pull. He had to grab it again, to hold it in hand and feel the warmth it gave off… the loud bellow snapped him back to reality, the sound of heavy feet crushing through the underbrush and detritus. Trees shuddering, and sometimes snapping with a loud crack cases drove him on all the faster.

The boy stumbled out into a clearing, terror gripped him, rooting him in place as he saw the other side of the clearing. Twenty yards away. His mind screamed at his body, urging him onward, trying to force his legs into motion. The boy began to stumble forward again, the ominous sounds of his hunters even closer. A cracking sound, louder than the previous ones sounded through the air. There was a soft whistling, that slowly increased in sound. Basic instincts kicked in, and the boy dropped to the ground, a full tree crashing down and rolling off in front of him. It would have crushed him had he not dropped.

Scrambling to his feet, he cast a nervous glance back and even his mind couldn’t get him to respond he was so gripped in the cold claws of fear. The things that walked forward were something from nightmare, bogeymen told to keep misbehaving children in line. The things stood a head above men and were three times as wide at the shoulder. Their skin was green, brown, or a light grey. They had large, lantern jaws, with hideous yellowed fangs jutting up from beneath. A few had steel-capped fangs with baleful runes carved into the metal that hurt the eyes to even glance at. Horrible, yellow eyes glared above piggy noses, and wild manes of hair hung about their faces, tiny bits of bone braided into the tangled knots.

The ones who dominated his vision wore a piecemeal armor; many pieces slowly succumbing to rust from neglect. The weapons, though, were well kept, the blades of axes and swords polished and oiled and kept at a razor’s edge, while the heads of the maces and flails reflected the light of the sun off flanges and spikes. The lead two were forcefully shoved aside by one who bore little in resemblance to the others.

He stood at the same height, and was just as wide at the shoulders, but his armor was much more well kept, elaborate, and clearly not scavenged from some skirmish against men. The armor was as black as night, and runes were scrawled all across the surface. Thick, spiked chains crisscrossed his chest, connecting two spaulders with leering skulls bound to them. The entire grinning maw of the beast had either had teeth replaced, or capped, with the runed steel. A helmet bound hair within and hid the top of his skull, a visor with small holes poked into it hid his eyes and nose from view. Stopping a few feet in front of the partially standing boy, his grating voice rumbled forth. “You steal from Spirit Wolves. We no like that. We kill those who steal from us!” He snarled menacingly, lifting his right hand weapon up high, a wicked mace with stylized skulls acting as flanges.

The boy winced, closing his eyes and awaiting the blow. A loud shout of outrage drew his eyes open. The green skinned behemoth was reeling backwards, thick sludge-like blood oozing from several arrow wounds. A few shots had fallen too short and were embedded in the interlocking chains across its chest. Its head jerked about, an arrow streaking out of a stand of trees to stagger him slightly, embedding into his right bicep. A shadowy form slipped down behind one of the trees, trying to avoid the sight of the monsters.

The leader bellowed and lifted his left hand, an impossibly huge axe gripped in his paw. The armor almost seemed to snap apart as muscles coiled. The monster let fly the axe, blade and haft spinning end over end before shearing through the tree and the opponent who lay behind. There was no hoarse scream of pain, just the sound of two thunks, one loud and one much softer.

A ragged cheer echoed from the monstrous warriors as they thought their foe vanquished. The helm of the leader swept the area carefully, his entire body tense and both hands gripping the haft of his mace. A grimace crossed the warrior's face, and the cheer stilled. The boy turned his head slowly, dreading what could make such monsters go silent.

Slim forms dropped down from across the way. They wore a strange armor, the plates of it not being made of metal but of polished wood over a baggy white shirt and pants. Cloth was bound in thick layers over their heads, only allowing a pair of almond shaped eyes to peer out. Each warrior, seven in all, held a beautifully crafted bow of yew, arrows knocked and ready.

The monsters let loose a bellow and charged at the new enemies. Five more arrows streaming from each bow before the boy’s unexpected saviors dropped their bows. Instead drawing strange weapons appearing to be swords that had their hilts fused together with their twin swords facing in different directions.

The warriors moved forward fluidly, their speed and grace a match for the strength and savagery of the monsters. The boy watched the battle in fascination, his outnumbered saviors apparently more than a match for his vicious stalkers.

Then he remembered the armored giant, and that he had not charged across to engage the lithe forms. A heavy weight slammed into the back of the boy’s head, a large boot heading off to the battle was the last thing he saw before blackness claimed his world.

[Kaez]

(( In short: Good. It's interesting enough to keep me wanting to read more but vague enough to have me not fully understanding everything that's happening yet, and that's a good combination.

I think you're really becoming a better writer as of late, based off of this and the Writing Contest entry, but it's not without its flaws. It's very descriptive, and not always in a good way. It just seems to explain all of the armor and the weapons and such. All five senses can often be used in description.

Not to mention there's a lot to be done with thoughts! What is the character thinking? What's going through his mind? You detail the setting but not the plot. I have no idea why I should get attached to a character that is just an empty, soul-less thing that I don't even know the thoughts of. Why should I be concerned for his safety? Show me that kind of thing. Get me into his mind.

And the descriptions made the pacing weak, as well. They were just so blandly describing the same things that it was actually hard to keep track of what was going on and how fast it was all really unfolding. So descriptions, over all, need some tuning. But you're working in the right direction. ))

[Jenny (Reffy)]

First off. Loved it. It pulled me in from the beginning. Good beginning for a wonderful story. Lots of description on the visual stuff of the monsters.

Only thing I can really comment on is what Kaez said. Use different descriptive senses. I wanted more on what the night felt like to the boy. Was the ground squishy? Was the air cold? Did it smell of anything.

I think you could have done a better job on setting the scene. It was the only thing missing in my mind.

Keep it up *thumbs up*

[R.J.D ((Thasiloron))]

((Yes, yes, thoughts and the like. The lack of it made me feel... disconnected with the character and his emotions. Oh well, nothing that cannot be improved on.))