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Post by Kaez on Oct 19, 2009 11:06:39 GMT -5
(( While I can definitely say I -like- it... rhyming poetry is just very rarely as good as non-rhyming poetry. Feels forced in a lot of places and I can really imagine it'd be more poetic and indulgent if it didn't rhyme. Just my two cents. ))
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Post by Kaez on Oct 19, 2009 11:52:08 GMT -5
Rhyming is the only way I know how to do poems. x.x Perhaps it would be, but I don't know how. Do I just write random things? You write what you think, what feels right and gives justice. The only one of mine I can give as an example is: awritersrecluse.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=s&action=display&thread=1701I just sat down and wrote with the intentions of painting a picture with the words. I gave no consideration to rhyming -- but I gave consideration to the meter. |
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Post by ARSmith ((Wolfeh)) on Oct 19, 2009 19:00:00 GMT -5
I'd have to say it was okay, to be honest. The storyline is vague to me, and the rhyming is kind of silly. I did enjoy, though, the use of words, and the mood of the story how it changed from joyous[If I'm right] to sad.
It was very strained at parts, like it was forced out. Poetry should flow together without any actual train of though. :]
That's my constructive critique.
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Post by ARSmith ((Wolfeh)) on Oct 19, 2009 19:04:48 GMT -5
Yush. Dialogue and poetry I'm absolutely horrid with. You aren't horrid! Golly. I'd enjoy reading your poetry on my spare time any day! :] Don't down yourself. |
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Post by ARSmith ((Wolfeh)) on Oct 19, 2009 19:07:19 GMT -5
Oh. Ha, used to people downing themselves.
My apologize.
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Post by Jenny (Reffy) on Nov 2, 2009 17:26:11 GMT -5
Here I float,
In a rain-washed city,
the lights glow harsh and bright,
Fixing what I can on this human blight.I like how the sentences gradually grew on the beginning paragraph. Didn't like the use of blight. Just didn't seem to fit in my mind. It didn't flow smoothly enough. I think it started after the "She came to me" bit. That paragraph just felt awfully out of place. Work here might make this even out a little. I did like the ending. Makes the reader think. I tend to agree with the others about the rhyming couplets. It is hard to do right and can feel forced. Just go with the flow next time and ignore pretty stuff 
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Post by Meleta/Isoldaa on Nov 27, 2009 18:21:00 GMT -5
I love seeing modern poetry, Tamwyn, where the writer isn't using free verse, and attempting to overlay some formal structure. For that alone, you get a huge *thumbs up* from me, for whatever that might be worth.
The imagery of a rain-washed city was wonderful. You also use other words that imply a great sin was committed in the death of the child (such as "atone," a "debt" that had to be paid, etc. ) If I had any suggestions for you, it would be that you might consider implying that though the city is rain-washed, the sin of the "child's" death will not be expunged or washed away by the rain, but only in the blood of the ones who committed the atrocity on her (as perpetrated by the narrator).
I don't know the HALO themes to which you referred, but the semi-religious imagery you began is quite powerful - you might want to consider continuing in that vein.
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Post by theredbaron on Nov 27, 2009 19:13:51 GMT -5
Rather nice thingie ya got thar Tam.
My only complaint is more of a personal one. What the hell killed her? What's going on? Did she find a toy that turned out to be a cybernetic assasin sheep and/or human?
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