|
|
Post by Kaez on Oct 22, 2009 16:59:17 GMT -5
(( www.nanowrimo.org/Essentially: It's when a hundred thousand people or so get together and all vow to write 50,000 words in under 30 days. So I'm going to re-create this and turn it into a novel, in short. )) |
|
|
|
Post by The Timeless One on Oct 22, 2009 17:02:53 GMT -5
((Ah.))
|
|
|
|
Post by Raquel on Oct 22, 2009 17:58:57 GMT -5
Would you still like reviews for this, Kaez?
|
|
|
|
Post by Kaez on Oct 22, 2009 18:03:23 GMT -5
Would you still like reviews for this, Kaez? Oh, of course! Even though I am going to be altering it some, this is still generally what's going to start the NaNoWriMo entry. |
|
|
|
Post by Raquel on Oct 22, 2009 18:12:27 GMT -5
Hm.
...Well, this demands at least a second read. *scurries away*
|
|
|
|
Post by Raquel on Oct 22, 2009 18:31:23 GMT -5
From the first half-
"Every breathe was a struggle for the remnants of fresh, clean oxygen that were never enough to satisfy his lungs yet more than he needed to stand."
I think the proper words would be "breath" rather than "breathe" and "was" rather than "were."
Second half - "There, interrupting the natural chaos of things, a body lay."
"a body lay" almost feels overused by that point. Maybe corpse slept, or...well, something. That's about it for, er. Wording, I guess.
As for the story itself - it's very non-traditional in the way it's writ, and I like it. It gives off a strong vibe of it being a cold, lost night in some distant place just by the way it's arranged, and seems more perfectly in place here than any other style I could think of.
The only thing I would really change that wasn't up there is I'd probably add the two parts you've gotten so far together. They seem so continuuous, yet there's a gap...but yeah.
As an added comment...you're now the owner of the second story on my list of "things I will be keeping an eye on." Congratulations, if it means anything to you. Forgive me if this sounded rather stupid, by the way. I've been feeling a bit hazy for the last day or two.
|
|
|
|
Post by Kaez on Oct 22, 2009 18:38:54 GMT -5
(( Breathe should be breath and were should be was, you're right.
And yeah, I'd fix something like that word repetition after and edit (something I haven't done to this yet).
But that non-traditional style, as Agro and I have discussed, can be a pro or a con when coming to writing a hopefully-publishable novel. So we'll see, but I do like writing it, and you seem to like reading it.
And yes, they will be combined into a single chapter. :]
So thank you very, very much! ))
|
|
Mena
Scribe
Posts: 667
|
Post by Mena on Oct 27, 2009 23:11:18 GMT -5
Confusing.
Starts by painting a picture of rigid adherence to duty. The soldier ignoring "shouts of a future, foretold and forewarned". You get the feel this is someone who is steady in his beliefs, knows the reason for his duty, and embraces it. But it then looks as if he's disgusted with that duty, that responsibility, and his situation.
After that, it looks like he's crazy, but his mind is telling him to be sane, to not kill himself.
What is the past of his father and his father's father? Was it the posting he was at as a soldier, the life of being a soldier, or the fact that they killed themselves at some point?
How do you interrupt the natural chaos of things? Normalcy?
|
|
|
|
Post by Kaez on Oct 27, 2009 23:25:15 GMT -5
The first bit there is intended to work that way. He knows his duty but he is disgusted by it. He has a great arguments going on inside his heart and mind. Half of him says one thing, the other half says another. He's completely overwhelmed by internal conflict. And the fate of his father and father's father are elaborated on later.
But yeah, I supposed I do. I think the chaotic nature of his mind and the environment he finds himself in are reflections of instinctive, decent reactions to his surroundings. Normalcy, in a place like this, in a situation like his, falls apart.
Thank you for your very interesting input, Mena or Mena's husband! Not just a review but an intellectual retort.
|
|
Lilam
Junior Author
SWAG
Posts: 2,785
|
Post by Lilam on Oct 28, 2009 18:30:55 GMT -5
(( - Tired, they pulled as his bruised ankles. "Rest now, in the shade of a young life spared," they pleaded. "Tired, they pulled as his bruised ankles..." seems like a fragmented sentence. - I think your descriptions were good without being all flowery or too purple, but (Warning! Personal Opinion Is Imminent!) I think you could have left some of the superfluous adjectives out and it still not hinder the message you were trying to get across. Just one example: His blasphemous mind would never conquer his honorable gun. I think that "honorable" could be removed without affecting flow or the emotion of the sentence. But, again, that's just a personal opinion.  - Though I like the descriptions (I'm a sucker for good metaphors and similes *happy-squirm*), I'm going to say that maybe there's a little TOO much information in some spots. While reading it, I felt a bit overstimulated in some parts. Sometimes, I just wanted to read that the night was just the night, and not an allegory to something else. I think that may just be a personal preference though... "Come my tan-faced children," he spoke. Four sets of eyes turned to his words, in a search for wisdom and compassion in a relentless place such as this. "Follow well in order, get your weapons ready." The volume of his gritty voices increased, his eyes widening. "Have you your pistols?" He turned up the the men, his soldiers, his living kin. "Have you your sharp-edged axes? Pioneers! O, Pioneers!" - Was kinda' surprised to see you use a Walt Whitman poem as a rousing speech, but I think it works fairly well (and, well, I'm a fan of Walt Whitman's poetry. Very interesting guy.  ). It's a unique touch and me likey. - Don't have much else to say except it was a good read and I hope to read more when/if you continue this for NaNo. )) |
|
|
|
Post by Kaez on Oct 28, 2009 18:50:11 GMT -5
Yeah, Agro said very similar things: Good, but too heavy in the descriptions.
And I can understand that, and appreciate the input. :]]
|
|
|
|
Post by Sekot on Oct 29, 2009 11:24:14 GMT -5
I personally enjoy the heavy imagery. Its dense and requires thinking, it isn't superficial and every line ends up meaning something. Whether that's significant or not though is a slight issue, but meh.
Keep up the good work Kaez.
|
|
|
|
Post by Kaez on Oct 29, 2009 11:28:28 GMT -5
I personally enjoy the heavy imagery. Its dense and requires thinking, it isn't superficial and every line ends up meaning something. Whether that's significant or not though is a slight issue, but meh. Keep up the good work Kaez. Well, thank you, good sir. |
|
AEShenhav (Ali)
Junior Author
Jewish Princess
Weird and creepy.
Posts: 3,204
|
Post by AEShenhav (Ali) on Oct 29, 2009 12:13:32 GMT -5
A very nice piece of work Kaez. The picture painted visually and emotionally is vivid one. I liked how in the first part, it was all about Pvt Victor. His emotions, his thoughts, and eventually his death. Then the aftermath, the second part, I liked how it was more of the collected emotions represented by the Commander.
Very fine use of language. There were a few grammatical errors but nothing a quick reread thought won't catch. The only complaint I'd say that I had was that not much happened plot wise. There's only a few things that we know: They're soldiers in a desert on a distant planet in the future.
But really, this complaint is only justified by where you're taking this. If it's a short story about the emotions of the characters, then the 'plot' is unneeded. There's absolutely no need for something more and having more would ruin the effect. However, if it's going to be longer and have more of an extensive plot, then I'd say a little more of it would be better.
So I know that I'm rambling at this point since my only complaint can be nulled by the direction of the story but hey, that's me. I actually have an awesome idea as to how I would end this, but I won't share in case you already had that planned or maybe you had something better. ;D
Anyways, good job Kaez. I look forward to more.
|
|
|
|
Post by Kaez on Oct 29, 2009 12:23:24 GMT -5
A very nice piece of work Kaez. The picture painted visually and emotionally is vivid one. I liked how in the first part, it was all about Pvt Victor. His emotions, his thoughts, and eventually his death. Then the aftermath, the second part, I liked how it was more of the collected emotions represented by the Commander. Very fine use of language. There were a few grammatical errors but nothing a quick reread thought won't catch. The only complaint I'd say that I had was that not much happened plot wise. There's only a few things that we know: They're soldiers in a desert on a distant planet in the future. But really, this complaint is only justified by where you're taking this. If it's a short story about the emotions of the characters, then the 'plot' is unneeded. There's absolutely no need for something more and having more would ruin the effect. However, if it's going to be longer and have more of an extensive plot, then I'd say a little more of it would be better. So I know that I'm rambling at this point since my only complaint can be nulled by the direction of the story but hey, that's me. I actually have an awesome idea as to how I would end this, but I won't share in case you already had that planned or maybe you had something better. ;D Anyways, good job Kaez. I look forward to more. First off, thank you very much! :]] In regards to the plot, you're quite right. I had intended, in the next post of the story, to unveil exactly why they were there and give some background on Victor, because there simply isn't that much explanation of the plot in those first two. Unfortunately, as it currently stands, my NaNoWriMo story -won't- be this one, so any more of this is on delay for at least a month or so. Still, I really do like this, and have no idea at all where it would have been going, and certainly would like to hear your thoughts on that if only so I could securely put this in my ideas bin for future writing. |
|
). It's a unique touch and me likey. 
