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Post by ARSmith ((Wolfeh)) on Oct 14, 2009 21:18:10 GMT -5
... Please be nice... Hint: I did say please... And it just popped into my head, so it's a rough draft ?] I suppose. So, yessirs and yes'ms... Enjoy. Oh, and leave a comment! :]
.: A Feeling :.
To dream alone, wishing, praying to some unknown god.
It's funny, how a single word can send me straight to tears.
Even funnier how a single feeling can send me into utter shock and heartbreak.
But somethings different this time, odd. A feeling, a feeling in which I've never experienced.
Your words make my heart mend, beat with rejoice,
Each little thing making me weak-kneed and loved.
A single touch is all it takes,
To make me use my airy, gentle voice.
Don't let go of me, not just yet.
Let me show you what you've shown me,
Love, compassion... and hope.
A hope to expand, to long out what we can and will be.
Age, a single word, a single butterfly in a million,
Compared yet to the beating heart- no.
The beating wings of a bird, an eagle.
The same, love and an eagle are. They soar, they grow.
A difference, though. An eagle grows, and dwindles,
As love never dies, never perishes.
Through heartache, it thrives,
Begging to be let from the cage it is held within.
I wish you were here with me,
To share this feeling. A feeling, indeed, that is overwhelming, suffocating.
It's something everyone needs, the thing that we share.
A spark and a twist between two, to end the problems we face in almost utter despair.
Funny... humorous how a feeling can do so much, though,
Usually outspoken and misused, mistreated.
I repeat one last, and final time...
I wish you were here with me or I with you... |
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Post by Matteo ((Taed)) on Oct 15, 2009 13:47:42 GMT -5
I never know how to constructively critique poetry ...... Is it enough to say that I liked it? It certainly paints a very beautiful picture.
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Post by Kaez on Oct 15, 2009 13:53:05 GMT -5
You didn't try to bend or shape the meaning of what you're saying to fit some sort of pattern. You were honest with it and said things exactly how they felt, and I can admire that.
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Post by ARSmith ((Wolfeh)) on Oct 15, 2009 18:21:28 GMT -5
Thank you very much. :] And of course you can say you like it! I don't write and post poetry, expecting something big like 'I want to be like you, kid' or anything to special. I'm glad you like it, Taed, and Mr. Kaez, thank you very much. :]
I have a question to throw out to you both.
Would you say it's good enough to keep writing things like this?
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Orombur
Senior Scribe
Especially Mushu.
Posts: 2,417
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Post by Orombur on Oct 15, 2009 18:49:29 GMT -5
This was a great poem. As Taed said, it painted a great picture. The emotions conveyed through this are very clear, something that good poetry always does. I enjoyed it.
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Post by theredbaron on Oct 15, 2009 22:57:32 GMT -5
I got a 'feelin...
That tonight's 'gonna be a good night...
That tonight's 'gonna be a good night...
That tonight's 'gonna be a good good night, a feeling...
Whoo oooh....
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Post by ASGetty ((Zovo)) on Oct 16, 2009 0:58:16 GMT -5
Thank you very much. :] And of course you can say you like it! I don't write and post poetry, expecting something big like 'I want to be like you, kid' or anything to special. I'm glad you like it, Taed, and Mr. Kaez, thank you very much. :] I have a question to throw out to you both. Would you say it's good enough to keep writing things like this? Hmmm. . . I enjoyed your word choice, the imagery you conjured. Though your question was not directed at me, I would certainly encourage you to continue experimenting with this style. My most constructive criticism, though, would be that in the future you make an extra effort to remain within the realm of what you know, what is real to you. What I mean is; as Kaez said, it was honest and pure and good, in parts. Other parts, though, felt forced. As though this "feeling" you are refering to is a beautiful, wonderful thing to you, but that you didn't feel you were communicating it properly, so you opted to embelish beyond the range of what it actually is. This leads to it feeling artificial in places. You're cheating yourself and betraying your own work. Sometimes, less is more. Perhaps I am being too harsh a critic, perhaps it is exactly how it's written and I'm too cynical to appreciate it. Do not be mistaken, there is certainly some really good stuff here, and alot of future potential, and over-all as a composition I enjoyed it. This, though, is my two cents. |
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Post by ARSmith ((Wolfeh)) on Oct 16, 2009 18:33:36 GMT -5
Thank you very much. :] And of course you can say you like it! I don't write and post poetry, expecting something big like 'I want to be like you, kid' or anything to special. I'm glad you like it, Taed, and Mr. Kaez, thank you very much. :] I have a question to throw out to you both. Would you say it's good enough to keep writing things like this? Hmmm. . . I enjoyed your word choice, the imagery you conjured. Though your question was not directed at me, I would certainly encourage you to continue experimenting with this style. My most constructive criticism, though, would be that in the future you make an extra effort to remain within the realm of what you know, what is real to you. What I mean is; as Kaez said, it was honest and pure and good, in parts. Other parts, though, felt forced. As though this "feeling" you are refering to is a beautiful, wonderful thing to you, but that you didn't feel you were communicating it properly, so you opted to embelish beyond the range of what it actually is. This leads to it feeling artificial in places. You're cheating yourself and betraying your own work. Sometimes, less is more. Perhaps I am being too harsh a critic, perhaps it is exactly how it's written and I'm too cynical to appreciate it. Do not be mistaken, there is certainly some really good stuff here, and alot of future potential, and over-all as a composition I enjoyed it. This, though, is my two cents. Thank you! I did, indeed, believe I was trying too hard. It came naturally at first, until I lost what I was thinking. I have a frail memory. Thank you -very- much for the critique. :] |
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Post by Kaez on Oct 16, 2009 18:47:02 GMT -5
Exactly what Zovo said.
(yes, I edited your last post. Your response got caught inside the quote.)
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Post by ARSmith ((Wolfeh)) on Oct 16, 2009 19:00:50 GMT -5
Exactly what Zovo said. (yes, I edited your last post. Your response got caught inside the quote.) Oops! Thank you, Mr. Kaez. ^^; And thank you also for the critique. It may bum me, but hurt makes things grow into even better things. I'll learn from my mistakes in due time. :] Gracias, mis amigos! Spanish classes are paying off... :3 |
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Post by ASGetty ((Zovo)) on Oct 17, 2009 4:19:26 GMT -5
Hmmm. . . I enjoyed your word choice, the imagery you conjured. Though your question was not directed at me, I would certainly encourage you to continue experimenting with this style. My most constructive criticism, though, would be that in the future you make an extra effort to remain within the realm of what you know, what is real to you. What I mean is; as Kaez said, it was honest and pure and good, in parts. Other parts, though, felt forced. As though this "feeling" you are refering to is a beautiful, wonderful thing to you, but that you didn't feel you were communicating it properly, so you opted to embelish beyond the range of what it actually is. This leads to it feeling artificial in places. You're cheating yourself and betraying your own work. Sometimes, less is more. Perhaps I am being too harsh a critic, perhaps it is exactly how it's written and I'm too cynical to appreciate it. Do not be mistaken, there is certainly some really good stuff here, and alot of future potential, and over-all as a composition I enjoyed it. This, though, is my two cents. Thank you! I did, indeed, believe I was trying too hard. It came naturally at first, until I lost what I was thinking. I have a frail memory. Thank you -very- much for the critique. :] Happy to help. When writing poetry bear in mind this simple fact; the key ingredient to good poetry isn't structure, isn't rhythm or rhyme, it isn't even clever word choice. . . It's sincerity. Always. |
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