Nemaria

[Hwem]

This story kept me reading without having to force myself through it. I always try to finish any internet story post I start but more often than not it is a chore.

My biggest criticism of this is that I didn't really care about the 4 troopers because I didn't know them. Perhpas if you had given us a bit more interaction with their personalities before the boogie men got them.

[James]

((

Ok. General feel is that I like it. It kept me gripped, I was intrigued the whole way through and that was good.

What might be needed is a little more imagery. The town/village was largely left un-described (unless I glossed over it). That would be the one concern with the writing. Also Tyler's "stomach tearing out" attack felt a bit rushed. Sort of "Oh cr...wait, it's over."

Then there's just three things that caused a little bit of problems but are easily easily fixed.

A: Names. It was confusing for a bit because some of the squad were referred to by their surnames in the narrative, when others weren't. Also we had nicknames that weren't immediately obvious and it disrupts the flow slightly as the reader tries to figure out who's who.

B: Small text. Don't use it. You wanted to get across the impression that his voice is soft. That's good, that's a nice touch. Don't use small text though, say it in the narrative! Say how his voice was so soft Joseph had to lean in to hear or whatever.

C: *cough*. No. Just no. Say he coughed.

Other than that, really good piece and I enjoyed reading it. Which means it's passed my requirements.

))

[Meleta/Isoldaa]

(( Good, solid, fast-moving story, Tam - just a few small errors here and there. And you're not the only person who does this, but when there's dialogue in a sentence, the format for one that ends in a period looks like this:

"blah blah blah," said so-and-so.

Not a period, but a comma, before the last quotation mark, and then a small letter after that to the end of the sentence.

I'm going to echo both Hwem and Agro a bit here, though, on your descriptions and characterizations. I didn't care near as much for the first group of soldiers that went in, as I did for the latter. When the last guy was dying, getting ripped in half, I very much did enjoy those last few moments of the "dying words," but it was way, way too short.

As for the city? I had no clue what kind of a place it was, and couldn't even begin to visualize it. Did it look like 19th century London? Modern downtown Los Angeles? Was it a purely fantastical setting, like Mos Eisley on Tatooine? Not a clue...

As for the monkey things - I really wanted more description of them - Claws? Fangs? Markings? Distinctive clothing or weapons? Tattoos? It just wasn't quite enough to work with.

So all-in-all - great work, wonderful flow - it just needs some expansion there, to let "the rest of us" in on a world that you obviously have mapped out in your head, but we can't possibly know until you show it to us. ))