Post by Marivia on Apr 12, 2009 0:40:27 GMT -5
Which was amazingly complex and ridiculous. Warfare and civilizations, 'villains' and villains. Right, wrong, cause, motivation...and I got killed! (Technically)
I don't know how far I'm going with this, but I wrote a small 'beginning'...which is more like an 'end'...but maybe if I write more it will come out a bit more understandable. Yes, it's a first draft to pretty much nothing.
And yes, I love your constructive critique.
Here it all is:
A walk home from work along the cracked sidewalks, easily my most hated part of the day. Ten blocks from work to home in the hot summer sun. Times like these I wish I owned a bike, or even a car. It was such a warm and bright day, such an agonizing walk. I continue, counting my steps, trying toe keep them even, three steps in each sidewalk square.
I get two blocks, counting my steps gets old, I smell the scent of charred wood. A few days ago a house burned down on this block, never usually get so much excitement in this neighborhood. You should have seen all the gawking at the sight as the building went aflame. The two living in the home leapt from the second story window, smashing against the driveway. Pieces everywhere, truly disgusting.
Three more blocks behind me, I'm in the downtown area now. There's a bar and grill here that's rather interesting, always so many people inside through the large glass windows. I stop a moment, they're all watching reruns of baseball. They watched this one yesterday and this morning, so I simply continue my pacing.
Few more blocks, two and a half to be precise. I'm rather bored at this point, and wish I still had my MP3 player to listen too. It wouldn't be much use now though, I can't find my CDs to upload, nor are they in stores any longer.
A few more blocks and I'm home, I walk through the door and drop my bag. I don't even exhale before being lifted off my feet and bear hugged by my behemoth of a boyfriend. I look him in the eyes and note that one is missing, "Again, Ciran?"
He places me down and I groan, he looks at me like a saddened ten foot tall beast. I tug on my straw-like hair and sigh, "If you keep loosing parts, we're not going to be able to afford dinner anymore..."
The world is now a better place, there is no war, no famine, and people make due with their money, yet one aspect is a bit off and rather odd. I started my life human, and now there are none left. My story is rather extensive, yet average in today's people. Wonderfully, it starts right where I stand now.
I don't know how far I'm going with this, but I wrote a small 'beginning'...which is more like an 'end'...but maybe if I write more it will come out a bit more understandable. Yes, it's a first draft to pretty much nothing.
And yes, I love your constructive critique.
Here it all is:
A walk home from work along the cracked sidewalks, easily my most hated part of the day. Ten blocks from work to home in the hot summer sun. Times like these I wish I owned a bike, or even a car. It was such a warm and bright day, such an agonizing walk. I continue, counting my steps, trying toe keep them even, three steps in each sidewalk square.
I get two blocks, counting my steps gets old, I smell the scent of charred wood. A few days ago a house burned down on this block, never usually get so much excitement in this neighborhood. You should have seen all the gawking at the sight as the building went aflame. The two living in the home leapt from the second story window, smashing against the driveway. Pieces everywhere, truly disgusting.
Three more blocks behind me, I'm in the downtown area now. There's a bar and grill here that's rather interesting, always so many people inside through the large glass windows. I stop a moment, they're all watching reruns of baseball. They watched this one yesterday and this morning, so I simply continue my pacing.
Few more blocks, two and a half to be precise. I'm rather bored at this point, and wish I still had my MP3 player to listen too. It wouldn't be much use now though, I can't find my CDs to upload, nor are they in stores any longer.
A few more blocks and I'm home, I walk through the door and drop my bag. I don't even exhale before being lifted off my feet and bear hugged by my behemoth of a boyfriend. I look him in the eyes and note that one is missing, "Again, Ciran?"
He places me down and I groan, he looks at me like a saddened ten foot tall beast. I tug on my straw-like hair and sigh, "If you keep loosing parts, we're not going to be able to afford dinner anymore..."
The world is now a better place, there is no war, no famine, and people make due with their money, yet one aspect is a bit off and rather odd. I started my life human, and now there are none left. My story is rather extensive, yet average in today's people. Wonderfully, it starts right where I stand now.
