Monologue- Constructive Criticism

[Sensar]

(Hello, I've been working on a series of monlogues on my off-time, and I've been looking for critique. If you would take the time to read this effort and give me some feedback, I would truly appreciate it.

-Sen)

Monologues- Comical

This troubled elder man is ranting to his therapist about the one major trouble of his life, his name.

GORDON BICKLEWICK: I hate my name. Gor-don Bick-le-wick. People think it’s strange. Whenever I introduce myself, I see a snicker, a smile, a strange look, that condescending attitude. People can’t look past the name to see ME. As I am. I don’t understand it. I hate that. I hate not understanding, and I hate people’s attitudes. When I was younger, I didn’t mind the little kids laughing, they were little kids, and I was a little kid. It didn’t mean much to me then. But, as I got older, it ticked me off more and more! I ended up in the school therapist’s office after smashing a kid in the face for taunting me. Sickywick, Blicklick, Sickylick, Bordom… It wasn’t inventive, but it was aggravating. I joined the swim team, use the rage’s energy to make me win at something. I’m not very talented, but you don’t need to be to be good at sports. But, no matter how many times I won, how many races I swam, the announcer would always crack up when reading my name. In my senior year of high school, I got sick of it and left the team. Passed with straight A’s in all my academics, got into Harvard Law. I thought of being a lawyer, to bypass the talent range. I worked my way through four years of college, graduated with a PhD in law. That moment would have been perfect, if it hadn’t been for the professor who laughed when he read my name to receive my diploma. Half the class did too. The few who did know me snickered. I had been a recluse. I had the perfect start for a good life as a lawyer, but no firms would hire me. I ended up teaching swimming at a junior-high. An all time low. But I needed the money while I looked for work. They were all turning me down, and I knew it was because of my name. I worked at that school for nine years before landing a contract with a small firm. I worked there for five years, winning all my cases. But the judges still laughed when called for me to defend my client. I got a better contract, but it was the same deal. I considered changing it, my name, but I didn’t want to see the smug look from the government official. I worked on and off for the next twelve years. I started flaring up at my co-workers, friends and family. Then I came to see you. My boss threatened to fire me unless I could control my anger. Still, thanks to you, I’ve been feeling a bit better now. Only took you a year, hm? But, nevertheless, I still hate the name Gordon.

[Sensar]

Don't all jump to give me feedback. Please.

[Lilam]

It was okay. I smirked at the ending. But I thought that he hated his whole name from the anecdote about the kids making fun of his name, which included his last name and his first name. That didn't seem to fit with the punchline, but that's just my opinion.

I'm not a bit fan of monologues and I don't really know how to critique them, so... I say it was an okay attempt.

I hope someone can offer you better feedback than myself. >_<

[Sensar]

Well, I appreciate the the feedback. Not everyone who watches theater is well-versed in it, so, having all sides is nice.

[Commediakat]

I am an actor, director and aspiring playwright. I read a lot of scripts.

So, reading this, I automatically imagine how the actor would consider the beats, the rhythm and emotions of the character since, naturally, monologues are meant to be out loud. Here's just my first impressions;

Pacing feels a little rushed. Think about how you want the actor to present this and what feelings you want evoked from the text. Just separating the wall of text into paragraphs can make a difference in how it's read or interpreted.

Probability; it felt a little unbelievable. Re-read it (out loud) and think about the character's own reaction to the events in his life. Are they really a result of his name or is something else contributing to his lousy luck? Consider adding the character's feelings into the text, either directly or again, with pacing. Otherwise, he's just telling a story. (These are the hardest monologues to pull off.)

I liked the punch line! If you want to exaggerate the absurdity of the monologue, consider building a bit more throughout - the probability won't feel so much of an issue if the ridiculousness is introduced earlier on.

This made me think of George F. Walker's writing. If you're not familiar with him, I highly recommend "Suburban Motel". It is a series of related short plays that are full of both pathos and absurdity. I think you'll recognize my reference if you read them.

Hope that was useful! Thanks for sharing this. (p.s. I'd love to see if you've written any women's monologues in this vein. I love black humour, but it is rare for a woman's piece.)

[Sensar]

There you go. I could never direct.

Thanks for your feedback.